Magical Sprinkles

Brussels sprouts back to me

2010-09-29T21:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Bee,

I must have woke up on the wrong side of the bed today with some crazy emo hormones running through me. Otherwise I must be bipolar - feeling so differently at every minute that you will be grateful that you are so far away now. It must be one of those days that deep inside me I am crumbling and all I just wanna do is crawl into a cocoon, snuggle and live in my world of bubbles and rosiness where everything is nice and sweet and fluffy. Yes, shut the world out. Shut out the reality that no matter how much I try to achieve, I still will never be good enough in some ways. And that no matter how great an advocate I may be someday, I still am daddy's little girl, gullible and naive, always wanting to believe that the World is make out of people who will be nice to us if we are nice to them.

Today I ain't not that tough and I just want you to be here, to sing to me, and tell me your funny stories. As I wipe tears off my tear stained cheeks, I thought of those times when we used to sit and laugh for hours at the silly attempts to outdo each other for being funnier than the other. But as the images flashes across my mind, my heart aches even more. It makes me misses you and I cling on a tiny spark of hope - hoping for things to be how it used to be when it was all dandy and nice.

Sadly, the hustle and bustle of life has kept you away. Life still needs to go on even when one of us feels crappy. The world does not stop spinning on it axis just because I want it to. Time and time again, I keep coming back to this spot where I feel, I haven't grown up. I haven't become wiser through the years. I haven't gotten smarter through the experience and now, I am on the precipice of not knowing what's right and what's wrong anymore. I have lost all sense of wisdom. Today, I pray for the courage to accept the changes and the faith to believe that all things have to serve a greater purpose.

Love,
Me

our first midautumn

2010-09-23T00:19:00.000-07:00

Even when the leaves turn yellow and start falling, even when the nights get longer and the days are shorter, even when the temperature takes a dip and it gets colder, I know I have you to catch the falling leaves, to have and to hold during the nights, to laugh and chatter with during the days, and to cuddle under the covers during the cold nights, keeping each other warmth. Thank you for the lovely surprise. Happy Midautmn darling!

Evening Classes for Men

2010-08-17T21:26:00.000-07:00

WICOE

(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;

DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK

OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL

Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place

Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -

Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;

DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;

BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY

AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;

BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN

YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES

& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;

LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counsellors available

Little Penang

2010-07-28T23:47:00.000-07:00

The week zoomed by faster than we could imagine and it was Wednesday again. We did a heritage trail of Penang for the Wednesdays. After work, the weesians gathered at the Cheong Fatt Tze Mansion and waited for our "chauffeurs" to pick us up. Smartly clothed in our office attires, looking very out of place, we clambered onto our Trishaws with excitement and off we went on our discovery ride around parts of Penang we never knew. Super Tanker commented how some passersby must be amused by why such smartly dressed people could not afford proper rides. We oohed and ahhed when our Trishaw peddler gave us some lessons in architectural 101.
It was indeed an educational Trishaw ride for us - Penang albeit a small island offers a unique taste of culture and is rich in its heritage.

Those who are interested or have never been on the trishaw should try it. Its an eye-opening experience. In today's fast pace world that we live in, we often do not have time to stop and appreciate the richness around us until it is gone. Go now, there are plenty of Trishaws awaiting around Penang Road to take you around and you can act all touristy and speak in funny English or Japanese or Korean.

Then we went to have some not-so-nice food at Sri Malaya, Jalan Pintai Tali.

However if you are interested to check out the food and proof us wrong - here're directions to get there.

I do not know why our food did not turn out as mouth watering as you are seeing it on the net.

This is what you see online

This was what you get at the place.

Go try for yourself....

Kuching in a glance

2010-07-27T23:23:00.000-07:00

Look to the East - Part III

2010-07-25T00:24:00.000-07:00

When one travels East and is not fit enough to hike the highest mountain in Malaysia nor super adventurous to venture through swamps or engage in any activities that makes you sweat, you do what the Weesians do best - Binge eat. Coming to Sarawak is not complete without trying its local delights of which I hereby present to you a barrage of what we thrown into our tummys in Kuching.

Our food ambassador, Super Tanker

Everything is good to our Food Ambassador

Sarawak Laksa at Madam Tang's

The Food Ambassador's favourite drink in Kuching - the Honey Sea Coconut

One of the Food Ambassador's many favourite food in Kuching - Kolo Mee

We left Kuching pretty well fed

Look to the East - Part II

2010-07-20T02:14:00.000-07:00

Day 3: Cave Explorations

This was an all girls adventure thrill because the boys are stupid and lazy.

We started out the morning with a hearty breakfast of Sarawak's famous kolo mee soaked in Lard Oil.

Hydrated ourselves

At this 'highly recommended' Kopitiam

Off we drove to the Caves

Our Navigator/Map Reader and Driver

The journey there was mystical and breathtaking

We city girls were really awed by the lush mountains

After hours and hours of driving...finally,

It was a sloppy hike up

I huffed and puffed

Oh my, more steps?!!

It was dark and slippery too. A torchlight would come in handy if you decide to venture into the Caves.

See how narrow the steps are...

After a harrowing climb, we reached the light at the end of the caves. Or rather the entrance of the Caves.

By the grace of God, we made it up the Caves alive

and ~~posed~~ stared in wonder

I came, I saw and I waved.

Pictures don't do justice to the Fairy caves. It was an experience to have gone for my virgin cave exploration . For a city girl like me, little wonders of the nature and funny rock formations amaze me beyond words could express.

Look to the East - Part 1

2010-07-19T02:11:00.000-07:00

After 6 months of pre-booking and planning, we finally flew East via the "Now everyone can Fly" Airline and landed in Kuching, Sarawak safely in one piece.

By the time our flight arrived in Kuching and we were picked up, it was nearly 9pm and we were close to exhaustion. Some kind Sarawakian friends drove us miles into the dark so we can feast on some exotic meat before we call it a night...I bring you,

Day 1: The land of the Pussy

Day 2 : Dancing in the Rain

We found our way to the Rainforest World Music Festival 2010.

We met the karate kid there

If you could appreciate cultural music, you would love the RWMF but for hippie kids like us, we totally were just there so when people ask us, we could attest that we have been there and done that. So it's has nothing to do at all with the music, it is just a cool factor.

We also met a lovely Japanese Tourist who speaks good english. There is her on the right. Kawaii deska?

Since the music did not interest us that much, we decided to fill our tummys which were reporting to be hungry at all hours.

See how long an Iban Long House is? A whole village is meant to fit in there I suppose.

I tried to snap a picture of this gorgeous man in front but obviously my iphone did not do a good job.

After all the walking around under the hot sun, some of us got tired and sleepy.

Luckily I slept on my 2 hours bus ride to the Sarawak Cultural Village where the RWMF was held.

I woke Super Tanker up and she wasn't too happy.

The Brazillian was wide awake too.

Super Tanker's revenge for waking her up was to let me smell her unshaven armpits. Deadly.

I wasn't too happy and had to be taken to

the First Aid Room to detox from smelling Super Tanker's armpit.

We hired a bodyguard to come with us to Kuching

And invited the Karate Kid to tag along too

So we could be protected from the throngs of strangers

We survived Day 2 and ended the night singing and rubbing our shoulders with sticky strangers.

to be continued....

Week Buzz

2010-06-24T20:55:00.000-07:00

This was how my week started....(Now you see it)

This is how I got through my week

Drink a gazillion cups of tea from my posh Starbucks thermos and feed on Toblerone.

This is how my week is ending....( Now you don't)

That's why I am ushering in the weekend looking like this

Sweeney Todd the Terrible Barber gave me an ugly fringe. Now I look like I just graduated from Law School, fml.

I also bring you updates from Plan Bee live from Newcastle

This is my Ex-Vietnamese Servant

He overbaked himself for the summer, doesn't look dashing anymore.

Do you wanna know how he gets through his week?

By annoying me over ebuddy daily.

HAVE A FANTASTIC FRIDAY EVERYONE!!

I feel old

2010-06-19T22:10:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEE!!

I officially turned a quarter century old.

Junbug's Chosen song of the month

2010-06-16T03:26:00.000-07:00

I wanna be a billionaire so freaking bad

I bring you this June - The Wednesdays

2010-06-15T01:35:00.000-07:00

I know I have abandoned y'all for awhile now and my blog readers must have dwindled down to 1. The tricky thing about maintaining this blog is that at times, I get caught up in the maelstrom and lose my literally flair. As I do not have a dozen photos to post up each time, I have to write ingenious essays of short stories on how to entertain my faithful readers and entice new ones to enter the lair of magical sweetness. That is not an easy feat when you do not lead a life like Lady Gaga's. Naturally, you ran out of things to talk about.

However since this month is the BEST month of the year where the sun is out, the days are brighter, the birds are chippier and people are friendlier, I have decide to make a come back. Someone's gotta clean out the cobwebs and the dust gathering here, can't let you loyal fans down, can I?

Coming to the month of June is like reaching a milestone for me each year. I have survived 6 months of the year and coming close to bid adieu to another chapter of my life. Yes, the chapters in my life closes mid year when I usher in a new age and grow a year older and a year wiser. Beyond the events that has taken place in the last 365 days, there is another story being told - inside of me. These tales may not be the highlight of my year but they are the ones I live in - the path I have trodden on.

This June, The Wednesdays celebrated our 1st anniversary. The Wednesdays was formed by the 5.30 man (the one who leaves work at 5.30 sharp) whose whole idea was to have a little get together every middle of the work to destress and unwind. It also serves as a break in a long week and gives us boring legal professionals something to look forward to. Here are some insights on how we legal professionals get through the week in a year.

In the spirit and joy of our 1st anniversary, the members of the Wednesdays all took the afternoon off from work to celebrate. We started off with a long lunch at Bella Italia which I must say serves great italian food. It has a cosy atmosphere and its a place where you can only go for lunch when you are on leave or your boss is not in the office because expensive lunches are meant to be savoured.

I look like I have a muscle spasm here. Bad photographer.

The delicious Spaghetti Vangole that was like a landmine with all its bird's eye chillis

The bangladeshi Waiter who begged us to have his picture taken

The best tiramisu in town as proclaimed by mei mei and snippet of the bangladeshi waiter who can't leave us alone in peace

My all time favourite italian dessert - panna cotta

Then we went to spend our trust fund and help boost the economy

We caught Shrek Forever After - the jokes were no longer funny after so many episodes of Shrek. Donkey is starting to be a tad annoying and Puss has lost his charms.

Then we all proceeded to Ingolf, a german restaurant up in Tanjung Tokong for dinner. Yes, it a European theme Wednesday feasting. From Italy to Germany we travelled.

So yes, we had quite alot to eat between us 4 - we are all growing children.

We took the obligatory group picture - yes as you can all see, the crazy bangladeshi waiter from the Bella Italia just forced us to bring him along. We also had a gift exchange where each of us bought a little something for each of the Weesians (Wednesday's members) to commemorate our one year of friendship and to test how well we know each other - hence, buying the appropriate gift.

This is us girls - the proper group members sans the Bangladeshi waiter.

So there you have it, how June has started off being an exciting month for me. The Wednesdays means quite alot to me. If not for the group, I would have dreaded going to work everyday. It was comforting to have something to look forward to at every middle of the week be it just a simple meal or a round of bowling. I guess the little things in life for me means having people around me to laugh over a hectic day at work, share my trivial ups and downs and help me pull through a strenuous week. Happy 1st anniversary Wednesdays!

The countdown to quarterlife.

2010-05-21T02:55:00.000-07:00

Someone once told me, if you want a fulfilling life, then join the Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them. Mine isn't that fulfilling afterall, since the only exotic place I could think of I had visited is Santorini Island in Greece, which may be far from exotic for some of you. I have met strange people but I have not kill them. I can barely run 5km, what more join the army and get shipped off to Iraq.

In a nutshell, I cannot see how fulfilling my life can get. My everyday routine is so mundane that if you lead my life, you probably would have jump off cliffs by now. I have just returned from a whole morning at trial with my Walking Encylopedia and my brain cells are close to collapsing from exhaustion. If there is a brain cell tribunal, I am sure I have alot of complains from mine. Overworked and underfed.

I honestly believe now, with every ounce of strength - emotionally/mentally/physically I have in me, I haven't quite grown up and fully developed to be the mature woman I would have expected to be as I near towards my quarter-life. On some days, I still feel I live in a glass house and if someone decides to pelt pebbles at me, my santuary of happiness will shatter. The essence of every pursuit of happiness is to be able to detach yourself from worldly things and live life knowing that nothing is eternal, nothing last forever, and in some ways or another, we either get left behind or leave someone behind.

Nobody likes a whiner. Trust us on this one (if you don't believe us, ask Michael Moore!) Seriously, I've really got to cut that out. It's driving some people fucking nuts. Every time I whine (especially in public) it must make you want to leave me on the side of the road. This waffling about how unfulfilling my life is has got to stop. I change my mind faster than Rudy Gulliani changes his politics. Do I freaking love my job or not? Do I want to go for a smashingtastic holiday or not? Do I like coming to work and replying nasty emails or do these nasty emails make me want to cry and go home instead? I am starting to remind you of the schizo ex-girlfriend from college - and that is never a good sign.

I was once a 3 foot cutely chubby kid that everyone loves, even when I was just babbling endlessly about how I enjoy colouring my parent's stark white walls with permanent colourful marker pens. The keyword there was COLOUR. White just wasn't my taste when I was tiny and cute. Well, I did not stay 3 foot forever. I grew taller, a little and all my antics were not so funny as my height increased too. Pretty soon, that "being cute" thing started to wear a little thin. I had to back it up with some serious substance. After all, the world is filled with formerly cute kids who couldn't quite cut it at the next level. When I turned 6, my parents sat me down and gave me the "talk". They warned me, "If you want all this continued love and affection, you're going to need to raise your game." For starters, no more painting on walls.

So, I took their advice with a kilo of salt, knowing they have my interests at heart and that for the next 15 years, my hands will be in their pockets. I do not want my inheritance to be cut off nor I found the idea of camping in the garden appealing. Besides, 12 years later, I had to be begging them for a car. So...I took the safe road, the higher road - I did not become a stripper, I live my parents' dream - made them proud and made myself ~~so miserable~~ a professional.

All I have to do now is be grateful for the blessings in life and grow up!!

6 phases of being in the Legal Profession

2010-05-07T01:23:00.000-07:00

PHASE 1

You are listening to jazz -- Your first day at work is great. Your fellow co-workers are wonderful, your office is cute, and you love your clients !

PHASE 2

You are listening to pop music -- After a while you are so busy that you are not sure if you're coming or going anymore.

PHASE 3

You are listening to heavy metal -- This is what you feel like after ONE month.

PHASE 4

You are listening to hip hop -- You become bloated due to stress, you're gaining weight due to lack of exercise because you are so tired and have so much work to do and, when you do get home, you feel sluggish and suffer from constipation. Your fellow co-workers are too cheerful for your liking, your clients don’t understand a word you say and the walls of your office are closing in.

PHASE 5

You are listening to GANGSTA RAP -- After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch and you forget what a 'good hair day' feels like as you just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine.

PHASE 6

Y ou are listening to the voices in your head -- You have locked your office door to keep people out. You wonder WHY you are even here in the first place and WHY you became a Legal Professional!

Just us

2010-05-05T19:44:00.000-07:00

I have quite an obvious indifference on whether people likes me or not. I also think my Achilles' heel is probably my poignant intolerance towards humourless people lacking in intellect, emotion, empathy or character. The raison d'etre for my blatant sarcastic attitude is that - life is so short and I shouldn't waste time with shallow idiots who make Paris Hilton sound like Mother Teresa.

I do need to work on how I relate to others. SM had a point when he said I needed to review my relationship skills. Look, I know I can sometimes shut down and give you that blank stare when my brain cells cannot make sense of the words that are coming out from you and I may have lapsed into the leagues of unintentional rudeness at times.

I have meet vastly different kind of people in my growing years (until I stop growing and became the small person I am today) and was exposed to a disapora of individual personalities. Now, I find myself to be more selective. refining the group of people I hang out with. or maybe the proper word is discerning.

Nick Hornby once said that it was no good pretending any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party. I think ours would. SM's idea of a great movie are characters who speak in a language that I can only understand if he translates them for me. Okay, I admit. There may be a slight communication breakdown. But I think I can relate to his record collections. Perhaps.

A small part of me tends to agree with this sentiment. The idea of being in a relationship with someone who shares my interests and similar perspective on life is warmly comforting. I tend to be very passionate about the things I love so there's a large part of me that wants to be with a man whom when I read a great book, hear an amazing song, watch a deeply moving film or discover a new restaurant, I can run up to him excitedly and yell, "Look what I found! This is US!" Then I suppose SM will just look up from my IPhone - take a 5 seconds pause - give me that sheepish you-are-just-so-cute polite smile and go back to killing whoever or whatever he is killing.

On the other hand, doesn't every couple start off by talking about all the things they have in common? And if the relationship doesn't last, don't you just end up thinking about all the ways you were so different? More importantly, isn't life much more interesting being with someone who not only has different interests but also brings a different perspective to life?

Although I think we get together with someone because they are similar with us in many aspects, share the same goals and visions and are interested in traipsing the journey together. I cannot emphasise it even more that my primary consideration of being with someone is because I can laugh with him. I like to know after a long day at Planet workplace, I have someone to go back to and laugh about things, share a joke and lie in bed together giggling.

Perhaps the ideal goal of a relationship between two people isn't a merging of two individuals. On the contrary, maybe the healthiest long-term relationships accept that, even between the closest people, infinite distances exist and the key to happiness is to not only wholly love someone but also to be comfortable with the great expanse that inherently lies between you.

Honestly, I don't know what the future brings for me and I'll confess that there are times when this uncertainty makes me a tad nervous. Maybe then again, I just think damn too much.

Like Papa Walrus once said, I am too smart for my own good.

Jokerbird my pet crow

2010-04-22T01:49:00.000-07:00

I went through a chronic phase once whereby I simply enjoyed doing things alone. I meant it. Alone. Just me, myself and I. Three of us but still alone. You get my drift. It started somewhere around after the Christmas breaks in England and lasted for awhile when I returned home. So for slightly under 18 months, I enjoyed going to the malls by myself, eating on my own, cooking on my own, watching tv by myself, taking walks in the park alone, slurping chai tea latte in my favourite coffeehouse on my own and taking long bus rides all by myself.

How did I even fell into this vacumm of solitude?

Well, once upon a time, in a land far away where the temperatures were as cold as your freezer and the people spoke in a funny accent, I had a pet crow (named Jokerbird) whom I love with all my heart and soul. Life was brilliant then, I tell you. I chirped and sang to it on a daily basis. Yes, I chirped and sang for the crow of mine not vice versa. I fed it with the finest bird feed and let it drank from Avian bottled water. However, much to my horror of horrors, my pet crow eventually got sick and tired of me and died. The unexpected death of my pet crow was traumatic. I found it difficult to get through the days without the chirping and singing. It was such an agonising period and there was such a huge void in my life that could not be filled then. No one could take my sorrows away and in my depressing state, I slipped into desolation.

Now - wasn't that touching? No? You peoples are so hard to please. I tell story, not only you all did not applaud but also failed to appreciate the literary depth of such a heartwarming tale. But it is okie. I am a very forgiving person. I understand how some of you did not go to my University in the North East of England and would be unable to appreciate the magnitude and impact of the death of my pet crow in my life. My Uni had Gordon Sumner, a.k.a. Sting and Jonathan Ive, a.k.a father of the Ipod. That is enough said.

Sorry, I burned all pictures of Jockerbird when it left me all alone in this big wide world to fend for myself. Otherwise I could have shown you how shinny its feathers were when it was still alive and useless.

Anyway I have broken out of my routine of living in loneliness. I found solace in lame jokes and lame people.

Ahh, It's Moanday again!

2010-04-19T08:21:00.000-07:00

Weekend flew by so quickly and even before I could say, "Ahh, I lurveee weekends", its Moanday already.

I am a pretty emo kiddo when its the weekday. I don't know about you but I wish I had a bottomless Cayman Island account (Oh, I do!!) to support my lavish lifestyle of La Mer facials, Milk Spa, Honey Caramel Hair Treatement and carviar for every meal. So while I am waiting for my wish to be granted, I still have to drag myself to Planet Workplace every day save for the weekends and the days when I can hardly crawl out of bed. In case you are wondering how I manage to wake up daily, stay alive at Planet Workplace and go back to bed - I am telling you this - it is no easy feat - I kid you not. Through forced repetition, I eventually became pretty good. Thereby, over the years, I have learnt to embrace my Moanday Blues with grace and a less cranky attitude.

During my Uni days, I told myself that if I miss the Moanday morning classes, I will fail that subject, not graduate, not fulfill my childhood fantasy of suing people and be a disgrace to the family clan so much so that my parents will throw me out of the house and I will not be able to afford my closet of designer clothings when I am 25. Yes, so with much persecution and sacrifices, I found myself bleary eyed sitting at the front rows of most lectures on every Moanday mornings for five years - silently chanting in my head - this is for the greater good. Want to know what happen?

I am in my ne plus ultra, a member of a profession most parents dream for their child but unfortunately for me, I am almost 25 and I still can ill-afford a closet of designer clothings. All those hours of torture listening to the dronning of old clever people talk about law did not bring Hermes or Dior knocking at my door. I should have just stuck to my childhood dream (Suing people is a childhood fantasy) and be a stripper. I am pretty sure I would be able to confirm my status as an avatar of fashion chic.

I have yet to wisen up. I still follow the rules. I still step on my accelerator when the light turns yellow because yellow means "nyeh nyeh, the light is changing red soon!" and I still come to work every Moanday, even when I least want to because I have yet to find someone to pay my bills, feed me and clothe me. I also don't think anyone has yet to come up with a technology to make my car run on water. I also have not managed to psycho my parents to buy me my VW Beetle. Threatening to camp outside in my garden does not seem to work anymore with them as they get older. My closet is still very much void of portentous fabrics. So many wishes unfulfilled.

I think I am in need of a long holiday. One that will see me spend my entire trust fund in an attempt to set my own record for most luxurious holiday ever abroad in a semi-comatose state. This is another wishful thinking. Like I said earlier, wishes take a long time to come true.

Truthfully, I have another wish. I wish my Moanday scenarios would involve the following :-

kissing hubby dearest in the morning, ushering him off to bring home the bacon, going back to lie in my 100 thread Count Egyptian Cotton Sheet bed, having the butler serve me English breakfast in bed, getting up and look pretty, hitting the gym to maintain my bootylicious figure, catching up with my other pompous girlfriends, going for Volcanic Ash Thai Spa,bathing in lavender scented milk, looking sexy and showering hubby dearest with hugs and kisses when he returns home with the Bacon.

Ahh, Bliss!

Alright, enough wishful thinkings. Since it is Moanday and we all have alot to do before the sun sets, y'all better go back to starring at your computer screens and wishing that time will fly by faster - I bid you all adieu and have a lovely Moanday till my next whinning and screaming.

My heart cries

2010-04-16T00:31:00.000-07:00

That feeling of being with you, of being so close to happiness have been ephemeral. I was so close to reaching that famous happy ending, almost believing that what we share is not pretend. I cannot go on dreaming for I know I am. Romantic dreams must die.

Slowly, your hands are slipping out of mine.

We have grown apart and the feeling is no longer the same. You are now that stranger again I am trying to get to know. for everything we once shared, it felt so real, so true, so maddening that I stopped trying to process it - I just relegated myself to just feeling what felt right. I hunger now for tactile confirmation, for sensory input that all I felt is not just my imagination.

I gave myself reasons why I should not be attracted to you. I tried so very hard. Yet, the subtle truth was undeniable. I was falling in love. heart first. I found the best of me in your eyes. You, the rare and unexpected friend.

we forged a closed relationship. there were no channels of communications; lest one should offend the other. it was a relationship predicated on false presumptions and inaccurate assumptions. we were restricted by our perpetual walks on tippy-toes and prolonged moments of fragility. these were the circumstances i found myself stuck with. trapped. like a bull in a chandelier shop.

Yet, I continue to cling on, desperately trying to console my soul. desperately trying to hush down the whimpers of my heart. Truth be told, if you lean close enough, you can hear the beatings of my trepidation.

no matter how hard we try to be different, we still end up living life according to platitudes. there's just too many of them out there. for instance, i'm now coveting what i don't have... but i'm not going to deny myself that feeling. i should not let you have me. you just would not appreciate it.

Humans - so hard to please

2010-04-13T20:24:00.000-07:00

I have make it to the middle of a frenetic week. *pats on the back* I am anticipating re-runs of a week like this until my trial is completely over. Just yesterday, I spent the whole morning in Court ~~yawning~~ waiting for my case to be heard only to be told close to lunch time that it is postpone to the afternoon. Oh wells, the whole team took it to our stride,went for brunch and drinks next door, killed time and lugged ourselves back to Court again with full valour and excitement to fight our case - only to have it part heard and postpone to another date. This is the glamarous life I lead.

This whole 'lawyering' job sometimes saps up so much of my jovial happy fun self that I am worried, I will be turning to a grumpy-frumpy-old-wrinkled woman with a quarter-life-crisis (provided I am blessed to live a century, otherwise I am even more doomed) very soon. I just need a more balanced life. I need more people in my life. Working life can be a social suicide compared to the times when you were in college and living like a yuppie. There is only so much time and energy you have after a whole day at work. How am I going to find a ~~rich and nice man to marry~~ more balanced life?

At the start of the year, I told God (Yes, surprise surprise, I do pray) that if He puts more excitement in the things I do to be able to afford my expensive facials, a.k.a. makes me use more of my brains at work, I will think He is a crackerjack of a God and bug Him a wee bit less to send the right man my way. Anyway, God Answers Prayers. So my lawyering career picked up, my life got busier and everything became so hectic I don't even have time to ~~oggle at guys at my favourite coffeehouse~~ watch CSI. Hallelujah, Amen!

I am not very nifty when it comes to my prayers. I should have told Him - God, make me use my brains at work but don't overworked me, don't kill my social life and don't forget, I still want to use my uterus and find a man to inseminate my eggs.

Yes, so my life is a little off balanced because I asked for it. I craved to be thrown into the deep end of the pool and I took the stir stick and caused ~~my own yeesang~~ this pandemonium. *Why oh Why?!*

However I believe, in the grand scheme of things, the stars should eventually aligned and things should fall into place as I go along.*keeping my fingers and toes crossed*

Of course, deep down, I would want a more laid back life. Truth is, there are so many things I wish could have happened differently. But all in all, things happen for a reason. I try not to live life on "what ifs", I want to try new things, live out of my comfort zone, and yet be grounded in the right soil. In summation, even if I hit a maelstrom, I vow to hang on tight to my principles and not lose sense of myself.

So though life is not always rosy - SM doesn't always ring to make me laugh, I still have to work my tiny butt off at Planet Workplace and its been a year since I jetsetted to an exotic part of the world, I am satisfied with the decisions I have made. I would be telling the truth if I said the past months had been a sum of all the best decisions that I could have made for myself.

I am also satiated for now. Lucy Choo is back from the republic of kiasu-ism to entertain and amuse me. This is one woman who has seen me through thick and thin and everytime she returns on the jetplane, she never fails to bring me gifts. The benefits of having this woman as my bosom buddy. I love her for ~~showering me with M & S cookies~~ her hysterical laughters, for her encouragements, for her honesty and for being that person in my life I know I can fall back on no matter how far I have gone.

Baby, I am at the right place and at the right time - please convince me otherwise.

Weekly pyscho-babble

2010-04-08T00:08:00.000-07:00

I am an inherently lazy writer. Correction. I am just inherently lazy. I don't see myself as a writer, just yet, because most of my jottings here are mostly mundane minutiae of my existence here on Earth and occasionally, little snippets of my thoughts. So if given the choice of curling under my duvet, stare up my ceiling and think of nothing or sitting down in front of my computer - I will choose the former.

I don't quite like to use my brain, especially on the weekends. If you want to look for me on the weekends, you can always find me sitting in front of the idiot box lazily flipping channels. Nothing will catch my attention and zilch registering in my head. To an extend, sometimes, my others peas from the same pod call me bimbotic.

Ever on a weekend, if you catch my out in one of those posh coffeehouse sipping my favourite Ice Chai Tea, its mainly because once in a blue moon, I have a need for others to validate my existence on this Earth and I come out to interact. I also find it easier to laugh my asian ass off with my learned friends when my brain is not working. *Breaks out to sing* - I can see clearly now the brain is gone.

However, as of late, I find myself starring on my lappie screen on ends, cracking my brains, occasionally typing like a crack-natic to meet my 101 deadlines. The only thing that seems to take my highly stress train of thoughts away is when SM steals me out for a few hours to crack me up. I also do not know how I can put up with the amount of nonsense he throws at me. He is like the English weather, unpredictable but something you will grow to love and be fond of. I find him simply hillarious on some days and on others, I just wish the Earth below him will open up and swallow him.

After pyscho-analysing myself, I have come to the conclude that I have very short attention span. It is a wonder I even make it through law school considering how I zone out every 20 minutes or so. Maybe then, my attention span was a tad longer than it is now. I took 3 days to complete this short post. Yes, you can only imagine. So while I have 101 deadlines to meet, I can only dedicate 20 minutes of attention to it before diverting to something else for a whole hour - no wonder it is taking me dinosaur years to complete my work. I seriously have to get a new brain. One that has a longer span of attention. Gasps!! This is one of my quarter -life crisis. Worrying about the longevity of my thoughts on things and people.

The weekend is coming again. I can't wait to stop using my brains...it feels good doesn't it, to think of nothing and nothing at all?

Men, if only you knew these

2010-04-01T21:04:00.000-07:00

1. We are exciting and always evolving.

You know how you always cannot figure us out and can't freaking stand when we throw you a curveball? Well, a girl likes to surprise her man with a thrilling mix of exhilaration and anticipation by being adventurous, spontaneous and erratic, if I may say. If we are so predictable all the time, life with us will get so static and you will believe the myth that a relationship is meant to get humdrum after awhile. You need to be fascinated by each other, otherwise it won't last. So the next time, we come home with a stack of cookbooks and is so determine to bake that double chocolate mint cinnamon muffin, cheer on us and get all excited, will ya?

2. You are not our entire life.

As charming and dashing you are and as much as we love spending time with you, you are not our everything. We may think the world of you but you are NOT our world. We will be scary if we depended on you for our sense of fulfillment - trust me, you will feel suffocated. So the next time we don't ditch our girlfriends for you, don't whine. Be glad that we have seperate entities and be thankful we respect you enough to keep your own life - i.e. hang out with the boys, drown in beer and speak profanities.

3. Appreciate us.

Just like you, we lead busy a busy life and yet we try to find time to look pretty, smell nice and please you. Stop taking it for granted the little herculean effort we put in for you. Stop whinning when we forget to shave, stop moaning when we forget to put on your favourite song in the car, and stop thinking we were put on this Earth simply to serve you and you alone. Sometimes all we want is simple - for you to look us in the eyes and show us that you care, that despite the out of bed hair and the eye bags, we still look lovely to you.

4. You are important to us - that's why we get upset (sometimes)

If we do not give two rats ass about you, we would not be upset if you had too much to drink and will be driving home alone - nor will we be staying up late just to be rest assured you have gotten home safe. Do you feel our love or sense our tiny gestures of love when we bring you a treat after you tell us you aren't feeling well or compliments your brilliance after you finish a stressful work project or takes you out for ice cream after a long tiring day? Although we do not mother you or assist you in every little thing in your life, we are consistently doing small things, nurturing things to let you know we care.

5. We want you to be the best man you can be

We always want to help you reach your potential by actively supporting your goals, even pushing you a teensy bit so you can succeed in whatever you do, but we can only do that if you share with us your thoughts, talk to us and stop thinking that we are bimbotic creatures who only knows about Chanel and Gucci. If we encourage you to shape up, work harder, drink less, and take care of yourself better, we have your best interest in mind. This means also calling your bluff and not letting you get away with slacking off. Eventhough it may seem like tough love at times, we want to help you achieve and accomplish things. So, don't drown your liver with alcohol, get early rest and do not binge eat before you hit the sack at night.

6. We like to know we are special

At the end of it all, we just want to feel we stand in a special place in your heart and we are an exception. The exception. We should not have to tap dance to get your attention. If we could sit with you and oogle at girls, laugh with you when you do the sillest thing, pamper you when you are feeling low, give you a massage when you feel sore and share your bad and moody days without saying a word, we like to know you will do the same and shower us with some love. Flowers would be nice. Chocolates may do the trick. Hugs and kisses sums it all.

In Conclusion
No matter how beautiful or intelligent or quirky we may be, there is bound to be someone out there who is more beautiful, more intelligent, and more quirky. We do not ask for much, just a little love, a little attention, a little more tender care - all we really want is to laugh with you, cry with you, love you, care for you, and be the girl you keep and grow old with. Most of all, we want to be the one you hold and cherish through good times and bad times. We just want to be the exception.

p/s: In case you are waiting for me to say, Haha, Just kidding! April's fool - sorry, that ain't coming.

Truce

2010-03-31T22:51:00.000-07:00

I am not a scientist. I do not know the optimum temperature for fertilisation nor am any wiser on the effect of subzero weather conditions on the production of milk from the mammary glands. However I share your quiet understanding that I want to hear pitter patters of tiny feet and mutual confidence that the nursery should be filled with teddies, booties and happiness.

So I am staying loyal to you through this frigidity. I believe love is a friendship that has caught fire. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses. Yours drive me crazy but I am too noble to be angry at you for so long.

Somewhere beneath my sense of fun, my bravado and my independent exterior, I have a marshmellow for a heart. Soft and squeashy. But life is not a movie. and nothing is as easy as "making eye contact—tentatively at first, then a pact—before ripping off each other's clothes and declaring undying love…"

It's the way you make me smile and wanting more of you. Wanting may be the worst feeling of all, next to hope. But hope is the worst. Hope is the moment before peeing on the negative stick. Hope is the moment before they tell you they can’t find a heartbeat. Hope is a setup, a bait and switch, an illusion.

Perhaps these are the most frightening parts of our relationship, when I turn to you, I see the best of me in you and realised I am not complete without you. Just like Lauryn is not complete without Zara and Jayden without Alexander.

Now, shall we kiss and make up?

When I do not Sleep enough

2010-03-30T01:27:00.000-07:00

I think its never too late to learn to appreciate the little things in life that makes it sweet. When life gives us a second chance to appreciate those around us, to make amends and start anew, we should get down on our knees and thank God for allowing us to fall off the pedestal and yet love us the same.

People who have lost and have spent enough time hanging on the line of hope would see second chances as foreign. Something they wished they knew or had, something that they could only watch others take and something that they could only wonder what it feels like to have.

As we gear towards the end of March, I have already hit my first bump for the year 2010. Though very much I want it to be the first and last glitch of the year, I know it wouldn't be. However, when the world seem toughest, I am glad I could still be counting my blessings and the wondrous people in my life. Words of comfort flowed, people came and sit through the dark with me till dawn came and someone was always there to push the frowning lines up to a smile.

____________________________________________

However, today's entry is not to waffle again about the fantastic-ness of my life. I have just had 6 hours of sleep, i.e. I have been deprieved of the requisite 10 hours of brain rest needed for me to think intelligent thoughts and speak like the Dalai Lama. I also have just been driving 4 hours on the road. I am effing cranky, tired and have lost all sense of wisedom.

I happened to chance upon Plan Bee's latest blog entry - finally an entry after a million years in hiding - only to discover for the years we have been together, he has never been sincere and true. For all the times I genuinely believe he thought I was funny and the way he used to be lol-ing at my silly-ness - just my own fantasty. My own made-believe that after searching far and wide, someone out there thinks I am funny. He has just actually perfected the art of fake laughter. So the haha-hehe were all just lies. Good acting. Should give him an Oscar for it. All that air of happiness was just a chimera. I am crushed. Crushed is an understatement - I am shattered. I can never see him in the same light again. My impression of him is now tainted. The sheet of virgin snow has now smeared with droplets of red blood on it. Good or not my description?

But because I am a nice person. Sweet. Loving. Forgiving. I am giving him a second chance. Although he does not seem to deserve it.

At the moment, I have filed my Cold War Petition against him. I am declaring hail storm and a temperature of -10 degrees upon him. In summation, our relationship shall be frozen till he repents. Kneel on Durian skin and beg for my forgiveness perhaps? Let me sleep on it. Meditate on that idea.

*Crackling Evil laughters*

If I am a Panda

2010-03-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...

Does this log make my butt look fat?

Mum? Can you come and get me down now?

You go. I'll just stay here and rest my head a little bit.

I'll give you 2 seconds to get off me or I'm calling Mom.

Dear Martha Stewart:

I have this brown stain on my nice, white, fluffy butt...

Go Away...Hmph! I am having a bad fur day.

I cannot believe that I'm stuck in this tree again.

What is the matter with me?

Baby, there's no other superstar. Papa-paparazzi.

Now, Run along and go have AN AWESOME WEEKEND BOYS AND GIRLS!!

De-stress 101

2010-03-17T20:51:00.000-07:00

Lend me your shoulders

2010-03-16T20:48:00.000-07:00

It seems as of late, I have let myself believe that despite the complexity of things and the uncertainty that clouds us, there is a reason for everything that God allows to happen. An explanation and a significance in every event, from the most unseemingly and unexpected to the most joyous and unexplicable.

We feel wiser when we come out of a catastrophy and are able to see how everything connects to lead us to where we are today.

We feel stronger when we emerge, although brusied and scarred - at least, we did not become a casualty to that event.

We very much want to believe that the things that happen to us have great meaning. It's the way we feel life should be. Yes, some days we feel our life's a soap opera. But we want-we need-to have the sense that there's a purpose and value to it all. And we're right.

Sometimes its the smallest reason that can change your lives forever.

To quote Marilyn Monroe,

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

Today, I really hope what Marilyn said is true. I pray that what ever decisions Dinosaur makes, it will be to give him a better heart and to lead a healthier life so he can grow old with grace, walk me down the isle and run with the grandchildren. I want to walk to the edge and believe that my superhero - that one person who will give me his world should mine crumble and fall - has to go through this bypass surgery so that he can be living better to enjoy his golden years.

Sometimes things happens to me and my favourite people in the world. These things may seem horrible, painful and unfair and right now, it does. However, if I take a step back and reflect, I know that without overcoming those obstacles, I would not discover my potential, strength and will power of heart. I would not possess the courage to confess that despite the times Dinosaur drove me crazy, nagged me insanely and was being outright unreasonable, I always have and will love him deeply for the sacrifices, the unconditional love and just for being my daddy dearest.

Why does all my favourite people have to a.) fall sick; or b.) die; or c.) fall off the face of the Earth? If everyone is the same to me and there are no favourite people, it will not have hurt so much. Today, I have decided to delete my favourite people list, so when God takes one of the people in my life away, my heart will be less battered because it will just be another person missing and not a favourite one.

This is me - holding back tears and trying very hard to be a tough cookie.

An English Awakening

2010-03-09T00:51:00.000-08:00

I honestly believe that at some time in our lives, the humdrum of reality will make us languorous. I am finding myself ensconce in a world where responsibilities and tedium is a daily suffocation and yet I can find no exit from it. Scribbling on the walls of Sprinkles of Magical Sweetness is my sole evanescent from the drift of adulthood.

This is where my thoughts are genuine, real and alive - as far as words, phrases, lexicons, sentences allow me to express. A place where I do not have to display maturity, stoicism nor pull up my socks and buckle up my shoes. Unlike the world I inhabit it, this is where people do not recognise me by my face...I am associated with the chemerical, the fairytales, the lovestories, the anecdotes, and the words that people read.

It took me over a year to detached myself from England. I held on so desperately to the little bits and pieces of memories, photographs, souvenirs, texts, messages, e-mails and whatever article that has an inprint of Great Britain over it. Everytime I bump into something or someone that reminds me so much of England, my heart will whimper, "I know you". I will shuffle my feet nervously, be on the verge of choking up and beret myself for not being able to let go. Talking about England always brings a glow to my face. That nostalgic glow.

Though it is good to be back, I only wish it wasn't so soon.

I still remember vividly that one night in England with ML in my living room packing and unpacking our boxes, half of our belongings strewn all over and unable to decide what to discard, what to keep and what to give away. I tucked away some of the best things England had given me in the reccesses of my mind and flew home at the beginning of autumn, when the leaves were falling and if you kick up those leaves, the magic is gone.

I flew back to England for the last time, smack right into winter for Sarah & Mark's wedding, graduation, and to be called to the English Bar. I have finally arrived at the end of the road of a long and winding holistic education. Plan Bee was kind enough to house me in the winter and kept me warm and well fed with his yummylicious family recipes when I was there. He was also sweet enough to take me out for a romantic candlelight dinner at our favourite Spanish Restaurant the night before I left and helped me packed my luggage. He spread out on my suitcase like a Starfish so I can close it and warned me not to open it again until I have arrived back home. All that was 15 months ago but snippets of it still play in my mind.

It was heartbreaking when Plan Bee and I stood out in the cold and hugged each other tight. "I will see you back home", he said. I held back tears and slide into my cab which took me to the Central Station and transported me out of Newcastle, forever. That was when I thought to myself, This is it. This is real. No more texts of "I will see you in Eldon Square in 5 minutes", no more "Let's go to Morrison", no more "I am waiting for the 39/40 bus lah", no more stupid snow, no more "Counter No. 5", no more...end of english stories.

I checked my phone for the last time at Paddington station before hoping onto the Heathrow Express with a heavy heart...O2 has served me well for the years I was there. My phone beeped and beeped with all the goodbyes text, wishes of farewell and safe journey, all the request to come back soon - If I could be more dramatic, I would have broken down, wailed, sat by the railway track and pledge my soul to England.

And so here I am now. In the vestibule of the past and the present. I have encapsuled a huge chunk of England and I am burying it in my lavender field. I have done a pretty good job cleaning up all sense of familiarity and longing for that country. A place that has open up sights, experiences, memories and given me a horde of friends from all over the world. It has connected me and awaken my senses, my thoughts and taught me independence. To quote, I matured in England.

Now, I am moving again. I lied at the beginning of this story. I did find the exit from the daily humdrum but I am just wondering - is this exit for me to take? A story I will leave for some other day.

Tea and scones are waiting for me.

If ever we say goodbye

2010-03-03T22:12:00.000-08:00

I have enough statistical results to show that distance often kill relationships even the most romantic and loving ones. It is just too hard to keep something alive when you are miles away - out of sight, out of touch and out of mind.

It's like a garden. If you don't tend to it after a long time, the flowers will just wither and die and weeds will grow and kill your plants.

When I started hanging out with SM, he was an exercise freak. On most weekend evenings, he will go for his jog at this place and since yours truly here don't do running and sweating, he drops me at this nearby fruit juice stall to get high on natural sugar and hydrate myself silly. This hobby then slowly died off and it has been quite awhile since I visited said fruit juice stall. Yesterday, after a long time, he decided we should go there and get our shots of fruity goodness.

It's often at our little sit and sip sessions (sss) that I find my heart strings being strummed. It must be the sugar. They make my heart palpitate a little more, my pupils dilate, my knees wobble and my cheeks florid. I think that is why as a kid, my parents have allow only very small dosages of sugar into my bloodstream, otherwise I would be having fits all the time.

SM casually mentioned if I move away from the beautiful island or to a distance further than a radius of 40km from him, he thinks I will not be laughing as much anymore because cracking a joke over the phone will not have the same effect as telling it straight to my face.

I think what he meant was it will not be plausible to be mean to me and watch my face cringe with annoyance.

Alot has changed since we first started hanging out, except the being mean and horrible to Nie part did not go through an evolution. In between our talks and laughter, SM and I have learnt to fit into each other's comfort zone, so much so that sometimes he forgets I am a girl with very tender feelings and emotions. Although his mirthful words can be quite blunt and hurtful at times, I have learnt to temporize that issue. It is friends like SM that I appreciate most because he is not afraid to share his sincerest opinions with me. Tactful openness and honesty are traits I look for in people whom I let in my heart.

I cannot tell if our propinquity is a factor that has bonded us. I also have no idea will I still laugh as much as I do now when he is not around anymore. But I do know, if we do say our goodbyes, the scintilla of joy that he has brought to my life will dispers. As much as some people lights up our life, the certainty of that bright glow lasting is like a candle in the wind.

Long distance relationships do not work. What more friendships?! There is no commitment or promises to hold on to and it is just too much hardwork. SM also finds it silly to chat on the phone because he said he is not a shareholder in Maxis. So if I ever move across the ocean, he will just delete my number and forget me.

Being the busy person he is, the only time he ever has for me is after midnight, when he is lying in bed and cannot sleep! During the day and before midnight, he is busy running errands ; Busy clicking on his BB; Busy replying his emails ; Busy yanking on the phone ; Busy living up to his lifestyle ; Busy gulp gulping ; Busy gobble gobbling ; Busy grumble grumbling.

I just fit in after 12, after all that busyness has settle down. In conclusion, I am the least of his priorities and worries. Because I am independent? Because I just am the filling to his void? Because I just so happen to be there? Because he finds solace in being mean to me? Because I allow him to run his busy life while I fall behind and everytime he turns around, he can be assured, I will always be there?

The veracity of reality is such that when someone leaves, they leave behind a gap in our heart that we want to fill. Be it physically and/or emotionally. Even if SM encounter difficulties to replace such a wondrous fabulous friend like me, he will go against the odds and find one homo sapien with a vagina and breast. So will I. Because we do not like emptiness.

We like to be filled up. We are like cars too. We cannot function on an empty tank. We cannot move forward without fuel. However, should it be really difficult to find our preferred "type of petrol", we can settle for any "type" as long as it fills us up and keeps us running.

Even if in the deep recesses of our hearts, we miss the people who are miles away from us, the distance often becomes a toll and over time, the emails stop coming, our ringing phone no longer bears your number, the conversations come to a halt, a replacement comes in one form or another and the gap in our hearts eventually closes up, albeit with visible cracks. This is what I sometimes call, the coping mechanism.

So, even if I leave, even if one day SM is no longer there to make me laugh, even if he no longer calls, even if the bridge is burn, and even if my heart aches so badly because I miss having him by my side, I must move on and cope with the lost. Just like how I have lost others through the oceans and the miles - SM will be another statistical number.

This is one of the reasons I am really grateful I keep this blog. Its gratifying to be able to trash my feelings out here when I can find no one to share it with.

Oh when happiness comes MARCHing in

2010-03-01T00:08:00.000-08:00

As I March into a fresh beginning of the 3rd month of the Year 2010, I could not be more thankful for Planet Workplace who splurge a bom to pamper me with a great weekend relaxing on the beach, baking under the sun, inhaling the salty air of the sea, and above all else, sleeping for upteenth hours on comfy bed and snuggling under silky sheets. I believe I truly deserve the luxurious golden treatment after all the stress, sweat and tears I have spilled in the battle to ensure Planet Workplace constantly stays at the top of the pyramid of the Work Galaxy.

My parents have been darlings enough to spoil me too. They finally decided that I deserve to have my phone upgraded since I can now afford to pay my own phone bill. So since the trust fund is paying, why hold back right? I swapped my trusty Samsung that has faithfully served me for 4 years ever since I graduated from Uni for today's latest Apple's technology.

From this

to this

I don't think I will need to bore you with how awesome the iphone can be. So I will humbly leave you boys and girls scurrying to the nearest Apple Store to get one of this awesome gadget for yourself too.

Yes, I know how easily contented I get with little things in life. While my peers' tycoon parents are splurging on the latest Channel or the coolest sports car in town on them, my iphone is like gold dust on a mountain of treasure. In my endless pursuit of happiness, I think it is always good to be servile. Besides, I rather like to look at the glass as half full rather than half empty. At least, I got myself a new phone. *GRINS*

2 years later

2010-02-22T19:04:00.000-08:00

For a long time, I had in my head the words I wanted to say most if I saw him again. I have rehearsed those speeches in my nightmares so many times that I thought I could reel it off at the top of my mind if I ever bump into him. When it did happened, when he finally sum up enough courage to ask me out for coffee and chat, the ghost of our relationship has already found its resting peace and the disappointment that has been left unspoken of for 2 years is so prodigious that I honestly think, would never go away.

Nevertheless, it felt like a huge boulder stone has been lifted off my chest to be able to trash out my emotions proper after such a long time. The long silence served its purpose as a.) space for us both to breathe, b.)healing turf for my pain and c.) an aperture for me to grow with grace and in maturity.

His apologies and contriteness were expected. His admittance of guilt of infidelity and of being a cheating jerk were anticipated. However, I did not augur that his idealogy of me as a person was bended and distorted to an extent. He expected me to club him to death. I would rather he stay alive and live to reflect and regret on his selfishness.

After being part of his life for half a decade, he knew so little of me, understood just a fraction of my character and never saw that I profess the emotional intelligence to cope with his lies and transgressions, until that day.

I am not perfect as a person. I admit that I have my imperfections. I had my fair share of ugly side and tantrums throwing in the relationship. I whined and I complaint. I had my dissatifactions and I did drive him up the wall crazy with the expectations I set up for us.

I was stubborn and silly. No matter what the odds were against us, I persisted to help pull us through the storm, even if it meant mending heartbreaks after heartbreaks. I refused to listen when others around me told me - that I could do better without him.

His book of excuses has expanded indefinitely. He confessed that he still possess a filthy lot of excuses till today. Old habits die hard.

Although the wound has healed, the scars never stop reminding me that once, someone that I loved so dear betrayed me. By his own admittance, he ran away when the going gets tough. He abandoned ship and took the easy way out. I just wished his character build up was better. If I am able to turn back time to when he was a child, I would teach him never to cheat. on his exams. and on his girlfriend.

The things I said to him 2 years later were the same as the words I had 2 years ago. Maybe then I lacked the maturity to articulate it the way I could now but the message has never changed.

The DNA that very much make up who I am still has not changed. Its surprising that he said I make more sense to him now - now that he is willing to listen and more compassionate of a person. I failed to tell him, if only he was not screaming that much back then, he would have heard what my heart wanted to say and it would have saved me from having to pick up pieces of my broken heart.

My well of bitter ale has run dry. There are no more vestiges to hold on anymore. It is cathartic to come together as adults and make decent conversations after more than 750 days in silence. It is a relief to be able to see the wolf in the sheep disguise.

If I could change one thing back then, it would be complications he put us through. The very foundations of our relationship, trust, has been hammered through and through by him. He literally pulled out the bricks that constructed our relationship and when that's gone, what more had he or could he have expected?

I very much doubt that he will be able to capture the catastrophic effect he has rained upon me. He never will because I think he lacks the emotional intellect to understand that feelings are fragile and a human heart must be treated with care. He is not a fighter when it comes to love. He is a seeker. A seeker of an exit door and a seeker of excuses.

Everything happened for a reason. His departure made me the person I am today, more stoic, more independent and more liberated. He freed me from those deceptive rose coloured tinted glasses and now my visions are clearer. Others have been right, I am better without him.

It now make sense that those closest to me were able to tell that I was falling for Mr. Wrong when I could not. Its now laid out so clearly in front of me why he is a bad idea. Perhaps then, I was too young, too willing to believe that all I ever needed in a relationship was someone who made me laugh. Things have changed. I am now wiser by leaps and bounds now that life has played its little joke on me and my cynicism has just about eroded the last of my girlish hopes and dreams, imbuing me with a wary eye and an unfailing gut feeling.

Blame it on those damn rose-tinted glasses again, but when I was in the throes of a passionate relationship, it is easy to overlook the details, wave off his shortcomings, finding explanations and excuses. This fail relationship taught me something the hard way. Self respect, patience, never to disregard my gut feeling, courage and self confidence. This lesson came unexpected but it is always the hands on experience that makes an impression.

I don't know how

2010-02-19T00:09:00.000-08:00

The only times that I really felt there was something between us is when you hold me close in your arms and caress my hair. I don't know how you keep breaking my heart and I cannot understand why I keep letting you do so. I thought I had all sweet memories of us packed up in the recesses of my mind. I have talked myself straight to believe that we are nothing more than just what we are now and will be.

It has been 6 months of laughing with you since we last sat in Winter Warmers sipping that nasty Lavender Milk Tea while watching girls walked by and taking in the hypes of conversations surrounding us. since then, you have held me close when it hurts, catch my tears when my heart aches, and make it all better when it feels so bad. You have made it so easy to live with you, so much harder to know that our time together is short, ticking like a clock.

My library of memories of you keep stocking up. Every chance I have to snuggle close to you, I breathe in the scent of you, the air that has your name written on it and when you put your lips on mine, I tremble. I just know, it will hurt even more, losing someone as dear as you. It will take more than 2 blinks to blink of those tears and it will take more than just distance for me to forget us.

Snippets of thoughts

2010-02-18T00:17:00.000-08:00

"Unconciously, perhaps, we treasure the power we have over people by their regard for our opinion of them, and we hate those upon whom we have no such influence. I suppose it is the bitterest wound to human pride."

I must not deny the Astronomist of his brilliance. He is shrewd and mean. A deadly combination especially when he does not like you. It took me this long to realise now, it would hurt my pride more than my feelings if one day, my thoughts and opinions no longer hold value in his eyes.

The less someone gives a shit about you, the more apt you are to try to please them. It will drive me nuts on an internal level if the Astronomist stop responding to my affections. Not that I have shower him with enormous amount of predilection but just enough to be liked. Humans are funny in that sense. We keep testing the waters to see if we can evoke some kind of reaction, and if we get it we are validated.

Often enough, validation is the sole goal, and once we've achieved it we quickly lose interest. This is what is called 'taking someone for granted.'

And the Astronomist knows it when he is being taken for granted. I lack the acumen to lap up on his love like a sad puppy and yet I want to take the moral highground, be nice and rain my affections on him.

It's pretty screwed up if you think about it. Rationally, we know that we should draw close to people who care about us as much, or more than we care about them. In practice, it's usually much different. We value those that don't give us our due.

That's why I failed to buy the Astronomist a Valentine gift and if I return his gift to me, I know it will crush his heart to a million pieces. I can't possibly be that greedy to keep his gift when my heart is already not in it for real.

I just do not know how to walk away eventhough my heart already has.

Believe 11:2

2010-02-11T00:01:00.000-08:00

I once wrote;

If anything, leaving an old relationship, and severing ties with my past life have taught me to believe in humanity even more. How so you may ask? Simple. We are all kindred souls, each and every one of our lives echo each other’s experiences – beauty, love, faith, wretchedness, spite, and loneliness. I have, in so many short months learned that each and every one of us lives with memories – connections to the past and cages from the future. Everyone around you lives with something deep in their lives that they are trying to get over. In short, everyone is trying to cope. There are no princes or princesses because there are no perfect people. Everyone has lost and everyone remembers. Those hurdles, be they bumps, hills, or mountains, are owned by and real to the person who faces them. It’s hard being a believer all the time and it takes far more courage even still to be a believer knowing that there is nothing left to believe in.

Keep believing.

Cupid Vs Tiger

2010-02-10T01:16:00.000-08:00

Yellow Peoples, Chinese New Year is just around the corner. According to Wikipedia, Chinese New Year is the longest and most important festivity in the Lunar Calendar. According to Nie, Chinese New Year is the only time of the year, everyone gathers to give and collect money respectively. Don't you agree? What other time of the year are you allowed to visit people's home or people will open their gates so wide to welcome you so they can give you money without asking anything from you in return? On top of that, they even feed and water you, for FREE TOO!! So good or not, this festive season that the yellow peoples celebrate? *grins*

This year, February 14th 2010 marks two occasion : Valentine's day and Chinese New Year. Cupid Vs Tiger.

"Whether you see Valentine’s Day as a chance to shower a loved one in gifts or a good excuse to order an extra-dry gin martini, you’re probably going to think about love at some point that day."

"Whether you see Chinese New year as a festive season to rake in the "ang pows" or a good excuse to binge eat on all the cookies and delicious food, you're probably going to think about money and food at some point."

While some of us are blessed to be going back to celebrate the New year and at the least, have the reunion dinner with our loved ones, some of us have to make do with the comfort of friends abroad. It is at times like this, that we all yearn for the warmth of our family and the familiarity of our homes.

I have done my share in boosting the Malaysian economy; Squandered all my money to clothe myself so I will look pretty and nice this New Year and have been a fillial daughter giving my parents a small portion of my hard earned money as everyone around me seemed to be doing so. This is the first year I am digging money from my own pocket and also the first time after a little while, really looking forward to usher in the New Year. My Fengshui master prophecy this is a good year for the Ox, like me. He said this is the year a rich and handsome man will ask for my hand in marriage. He did not exactly said it in those words but you get the idea, I should be popping babies by next year. Peoples, Just laugh with me. We shall just wait and see the stripes the tiger will reveal for me this year.

As for Valentine's Day, I know the Astronomist is planning a surprise because the Dentist could not keep his mouth shut and spilt half the beans. I am not amused. Because the surprises that the Astronomist springs often sweep me of my feet and I am not sure if I can reciprocate in kind. My heart is a confused organ. Maybe I should consider an organ transplant? I sure hope he does not send me another air ticket to wherever he is going to be this CNY. Why't can he seem to get that I am just like any other girl?! All I want is the 1 carat, solitare, princess cut, VS1, colour E diamond.

Just kidding.

Truth be told, I do not know what I want any longer. On one hand, the smell of his freshly done laundry still lingers in memory and on the other, I dread having "the talk" with him.

Reality Vs Ideality perhaps?

Note: I am looking forward to the Golden Sands Retreat.

Flyday giggles

2010-02-05T08:56:00.000-08:00

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

In a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'

In a Nonsmoking Area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push.'

At an Optometrist's Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

On a Fence:

'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

In a Restaurant window:

'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

At a Propane Filling Station:

'Thank heaven for little grills.'

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

'Invite us to your next blowout.'

HAVE AN AWESOME WEEKEND BOYS AND GIRLS!! YOURS TRULY WILL BE IN THE CAPITAL SHOPPING TILL SHE DROPS. *GRINS*

My mother sent me this

2010-02-04T00:15:00.000-08:00

A very successful Singaporean lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too close to the car and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a policeman was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche; it was completely ruined and would never be the same no matter how hard the body shop might try to make it new again.

His lights flashing, but before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before ,was now completely ruined and would never be same no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally calmed down from his rant,the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he said. 'You're so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important thing in life'

'How can you say such a thing?' asked the lawyer.

The officer replied, 'Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing?

It got ripped off when the truck hit you!'

'OH, MY GOD!' screamed the lawyer.

'MY ROLEX!!!'

Note: I wonder what my mother was trying to insinuate. I don't have a porsche and I don't have a rolex. Is she hinting she will get me the car and the watch? *Grins*. My mother sure loves me.

Sharing of the month

2010-02-03T23:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in this world, bad things happen. Things that disappoint us and makes us say to ourselves, "Why God, why?" Sometimes, we might even get worried or afraid because what comes next is so uncertain and unknown, but quoting one of Charles Stanley's Life Principles, "Disappointments are inevitable but discouragement is a choice." I remember that I don't have to give into those feelings of fear and hopelessness. Here are two points to remember:

1. God is for us. (And if God is for us, who can stand against Almighty God?)
2. God often uses trials to position us for Greater blessings. (This thought process helps me to maintain a right attitude in the midst of trials.)

Also, Jeremiah 29:11 is a verse that gives me comfort in times of uncertainty. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Lessons in Fabruary!

2010-02-02T19:39:00.000-08:00

February has slowly picked up from the slow start that January had to offer for 2010. Made my first blunder of the year when I told my boss that our meeting in the capital city of KL with the clients was on a monday instead of tuesday. So I flew us both down south only to learn that next time, I should check my calendars properly otherwise I will earn myself an "accidental" shopping trip and spend all my lifetime savings on clothes I cannot afford. I put up the night with PW who has a holy neighbour with a penchant for singing and shrieking like a banshee in the wee hours of the morning. After 2 sleepless nights, one blunder, overswiped credit cards, crazy bumper to bumper jams and lotsa lotsa dust I just could not be happier to return to my paradise island to recover from the trauma and stress.

I am learning this from February : Learn from the bad as well as the good. Fall down, make a mess, break something occasionally. And always remember that the story is never over.

Last night, SM was having one of his moody days and asked me out to make him laugh. I failed. Terribly. I realised how he is the one between us both who possess the fineesse to think of the most hillarious things to say and make us both laugh over it. When he turned the table around, all I had was my bony shoulders and a warm embrace. I lack his capricious ingenuity. I think that is how different and similar we can be at the same time. He is whimsical while I am stoic...maybe this is what you call a balance. Even on his melancholic days, he is still able to amuse himself silly.

I am learning this from SM : Learn how to entertain yourself. Close the door, crank up the stereo, and dork out. Invent new dance moves. Play the air guitar. Practice your touchdown moves. Too many people are self conscious even when they're alone. Don't be one of those people. While you're at it, learn how to laugh at yourself.

SM took me up to check the pool area at his gym which has an infinity pool. When I laid on the gazebo and stared up the unfanthomable midnight blue sky sprinkled with glitery diamonds, I thought of my favourite people all over the world who are also staring up the same bright sky. Somewhere out there, someone's thinking of me, I hope. Made my day and even my week's worries all dissipated. Stargazings do wonders to your soul. SM shared his philosophical lecture on how Gengkis Khan, despite being such a great man and conquering vast amount of land in China, would also have his weak and vulnerable moments. Yes, that self-praising prick was comparing himself to the great Gengkis Khan. Although Gengkis Khan conquered and was ruler of many nations, he too was not happy all the time. He could have all the power and women in the world but he too could also be an emo kid. Just like SM, he may have a gazillion friends and bank in a 5 figure salary every month, deep down inside, he is also an emo kid.

I learnt this over my pool-side star gazings moment : Happiness is not fame, money or power. The key to life is finding your sweet spot.

What lessons do you think Nie can learn from you or situations? What's one life lesson that you would wish to share with Me? What's the best philosophical advice you ever received from someone? Care to spill it for the inquiring mind? *smiles*

This shall be a 'Fabrualous' month.

Cloudy with a chance of sunrays

2010-01-28T18:42:00.000-08:00

Reading and writing are amongst the things I find solace in. They also sit at the top of the list of Things-Nie-Is-Passionate-About. However should there ever be a declination in the quantity or even the quality of my writing, it can be attributed to the life I have to lead. Yes, I lead a double life. One on virtual world and one in reality. I am not too good in balancing many things at one go, although I like to think I am a highly intelligent species of the human race who find multitasking as easy as reading my ABCs, sadly, that is not the truth. It's just a myth and something from the fickle of my imagination.

My persona online that I bare to so many people is something I am cautious about. How many people read about you and to what extend are those people are both unchartered waters and sometimes it scares the sense out of me. We tend to choose what we want to reveal to the world and whether it is on a blog or on facebook, to certain extend, our online personality is manupulated to a certain level.

We all try to structure our lives in ways that others will view us favourably and maybe to think, we are popular and/or funny. We want to appear smart and cool. We all do, admit it or not, want to fit into the crowd and not stick out like a sore thumb. That is why some of us succumb to saying things we will not usually say in real life and doing things that contradicts the person who we really are. I think a man's heart is the most lethal poison in the world. Our heart can deceive us to do and say the most outrageous things and it also, more often than not, reflects our deepest thoughts, desires and characters.

We don't root for people's success as much as we quietly revel in their failures. That's the truth.

In reality, life can be hectic chaos. As unpopular as I am, I still have a full-time professional job to maintain so I can still enjoy my lifestyle of glossy hair and expensive facials that can feed a small third world country. I also have a barrage of friends who enjoys my company for coffee, tea, me lunch, and dinner. Some delights in bringing me to functions when a date is needed, which means to interpret that, to the horrors of horrors of you peoples, I sometimes moonlight as a social escort (without the after dinner frills) and/or socialite. As boring as I am, there are a handful who still buzzes me online if I don't initiate a conversation with them. I have a church to attend, a God to worship, a family to go home to and friends who regales in my non-existence humour and non-significant presence. I can only imagine how hard it must be for popular people like Barrack Obama or Angelina Jolie to lead a life - all that millions of people to please, the mass amount spent at plastic surgeons, the dentist appointments, the critics and the pressure to stay perfectly good looking for the cameras and the trauma of having some douchebag drawing balls and beard on your photographs.

My point here being is that, I don't write here for a slice of the admiration pie. I don't hope to be popular so I can join the league of rich and famous. I just view this as another outlet I can let out my creativity and rant about life's little dramas that God has kindly granted the roles for me to play on this stage.

However, I have learnt, peoples, as nice as I want to believe them to be, find schadenfreude as interesting as orgams. Yes, what a big word. No...not Orgams. I mean Schadenfreude. My expensive education abroad has indeed matured me and my experiences have expanded my horizons to see that the world is filled with people who finds delight or seeks satisfaction in someone else's misfortunes. That's the ugly truth.

I feel compelled to share this with you all. I am taking a sabbatical from facebook. I won't bore you with the details that has led to this decision and I also lack the emotional capacity to regurgitate the story again. I feel that this virtual social site has given me a hindsight to the good, the bad and the ugly. A little too much, perhaps. Although it has little effect of my life in reality, I rather it has no impact at all. As everyone knows, Facebook can be like discovery channel. I still like to be discreet about mine life, if possible. Facebook can make it impossible.

But let's face it, I hear some of you jeering there, forming your own opinions, probably wanting to suggest I should just shut down my facebook account. In all honesty, you have not lead my life nor travelled the journey I have went on and everyone is bound to have an opinion about everything. I respect that.

Some people think it's the holding on that makes you stronger, I believe it is the letting go.

Love is in the Air

2010-01-25T00:42:00.000-08:00

After searcing far and wide, long and hard - I finally found the love of my life. I bring you :

DANIEL PHILLIP HENNEY.

When N'Sync wrote - God must have spent a little more time on You - they composed the song for Daniel Darling.

When Men speaketh of God's gift to woman - they are referring to Daniel Darling.

When Women speaketh of that man who makes you wet between your thighs - they are referring to Daniel Darling.

This is one mix species who got all the right genes flowing in him. Ahhh, Wobbles wobbles.

Peoples, my search of a husband is officially over. Finally, my eggs can be inseminated with A-Grade gorgeouslicious sperms.

Now you peoples, please start saving to buy babygros for my hensem and beautiful kids.

Another blue movie

2010-01-24T22:36:00.000-08:00

For weeks I had to bug Suavest Maximus (SM) to bring me along to watch Avatar 3D and because I "booked" him to the movie, I had to reject others who invited me along although I was very much tempted to catch it earlier. (We only managed to catch the movie 3 Weeks after I annoyed him nonstop how he wasnt a man of his words for not bringing me to watch it) Being the Kiasu person that I was and after hearing all the 'niceties' review of the movie, I knew I just had to join the league of fanatic peoples, watch it in 3D and ooh and ahh over it just like everyone else had even if we have to wait weeks to get the tickets. when SM asked me what was so good about the movie that it has overtaken Titanic in the international box office, I lamely replied "because it is a blue movie". I did not understand what the hype was all about Avatar, I just knew it is a must watch if I do not want to lose my cool-ness with the crowd.

James Cameron's sci-fi adventure did not do much justice to the awesome reviews it garnered throughout its released. The film was blue. Indeed it was. filled with blue Neytiri, residence of the Pandora, who wore nothing but just beads around their blue naked body. But..But..you still cannot see anything la.

This is a movie that if you do not want to die an uncool person, yes, please go watch it. However, it's not a movie like Transformers, Dark Knight or even Disney's animated Pixar 'UP' whereby you can watch it on reruns after reruns and not get bored of it. Avatar has all the cliche dialogues, cliched characters, and cliched storyline. It's like after 15 minutes of watching uncomfortably with the 3D glasses, you can guess how the story will develop and how many people will eventually be sacrificed to make the ending a va-va-boom, leaving the audience in awe and not bothered that it was actually a movie that pale very much in comparison with ~~my grandma's home-made birthday video.~~ Titanic. Another James Cameron's genius. At least in Titanic, there was a pretty face to look at and a never-to-forget-scene, i.e. where Rose stood with her arms wide upon on the ship while My heart will go on plays at the background. I can hardly remember any scenes from Avatar now. Except this.

Sure, Avatar was a 'pretty' movie with amazing graphics that even I am awed by that. I have to give credit to Cameron on his brilliance in creating a fantasy world that lights and shines at every touch and step. Even the creatures living in Pandora has this futuristic alien-like features. Other than that, it is not a movie I will want to watch a second time. Not one I can sit through for another 2 hours and gush about it. Besides the brilliantastic 3D graphics, I still cannot understand why people are going back again to watch it...times are not that bad afterall I guess. No where to spend all that money maybe?

Relevation of the month - Watching Avatar just once doesn't make you cool. You are just "up-to-date". You must have watch it like 3 times or more and in 3D only can be considered cool okays.

Date with the Associate

2010-01-20T01:55:00.000-08:00

Peoples, look like 2010 might just pick up for me afterall. I am/will be going for a double date with the Pregos Roomie and her husband. Yes, I am excited and No, I am not hoping for love at first sight. And again no, you peoples do not get to see how he looks like. I am just not stalker material to possess a photo of him to be uploaded here. I also would like to believe I am not a superficial girl and am a firm believer that looks can only last for so long, its the character that will sail towards the horizon. Now, can you all just hurry back, get on your knees and pray for me? If you are not all that religious, just be happy for me or email me some voodoo/spell to cast on my date.

Husband (you know who you are), will want to talk to you before I go on my date next week. Haven't chatted much with you lately and I am starting to miss that hysterical laughters and crazy talks. Maybe talking about this upcoming date will get you all anxious and green with envy - then lure you to come crawling for my attention. SEEEEE, the things i've to do to get your attention. Sigh.

The opposite of Love

2010-01-19T01:56:00.000-08:00

"You change your mind like a girl changes her clothes", I apprised him. Kelly Clarkson hit the right tune when she sang that song. He laughed. He laughed all the time but he admitted he is fickle, even a little scared maybe. We bicker and banter everytime he rings. He confessed that he miss those times when we will just lie in on saturdays just making conversations. Perhaps we found a kinship in each other during those times that we dearly desired in our lonely moments. We escape our daily routines in life by just listening to each other's thoughts, by sharing epiphanies and prattling about everything under the sun, sometimes losing track of time.

One day, while I was babbling about my favourite disney cartoon, he leaned over and stared into my eyes. Affixing those big brown eyes to mine. Peeping into the windows of my soul. searching for a hint or a sign that we were soul mates, he said.

I just think he can be quite intimidating sometimes. we may share the same demographic and speak the same language but there is something about him that I will never quite understand. maybe that explains why we are drifting apart. He is a difficult book to read. Too thick of a text to disgest.

It's not just the seas that are seperating us and he knows it. we both know it. He is just too afraid to say it out loud, as if, speaking it out will ruin the current state of our relationship. He doesn't quite like to stress test the foundation of our relationship. That's why he hardly ask about my state of affairs in particular, he said, "its the not knowing that will not kill us". Something that I am still unsure if I disagree. He has this canny ability to influence my thoughts and I am addicted to this, always scurrying back to him for his wisedom, his words, his thoughts, his humour and his indubitable character.

"Do you like my gift?", he queried. You cannot compensate the lost of quality time by gifting. Thank God for immaterialistic girls. "I do", I replied. I truly did. I cannot deny him that credit of knowing me so well.

"How're you?" He probed. "Not too good", I admitted. He need not ask further, he knows why. " I like what you did to your hair", he kindly offered. I laughed. And I heard him chuckled on the otherside. "I miss us", He finally admitted.

I don't think I could ever appreciate him enough.

We never learn, do we? We are always repugnant towards those who loves us most, the ones who will give us their kidneys if we ever needed one. Until we lose them. I do not want to repeat my mistakes with him and the words "I do not know how to love you the way you love me" is becoming a banality. I cannot guarantee I will be the one he wants and I am not ready to lock it down full time. Settle down with one dime and spend the rest of my life with someone I still do not understand.

I do not know if I am a better person with him. He just makes it easier with him around. Like all things in life, this cannot stay perpetual. He is unwilling to sacrifice and I cannot love a man whom I cannot read. A litle mistery is fine. Too much makes me redraw. makes me feel incapable. frightened perhaps of venturing out with someone you hardly understand.

"Come to HongKong", that was the last he said before we ended the night with our goodbyes.

Eternal sunshine for the broken heart

2010-01-18T00:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes people do and say things without realising how much they have an impact on others and the lives of others. Sharing this planet with 6 billion people means someday we are bound to bump into some people who will light up our lives and another half who will inevitable crush our hearts, regardless of whether we like it or not. Though the saying goes that we are only responsible for our own happiness and it should not be dependent on others, I am of the opinion that our surrounding circumstances and the people whom we let in our lives do play a part in our pursuit of happiness. They are each, liken to a brick in the construction of a building.

Complicated situations and I don't go too well together. If at all possible, I try to avoid it at all costs. However more often than not, I always find myself being pulled into one, an object being caught in a turbulent moment of a spinning cyclone. This is supposed to be my year! But no, God has some other fantastic plans for me. When human plans, God laughs. He must be having the chuckle of this time up there. The loathsome thing about my pursuit of my happiness is that I am constantly nursing heartbreaks after heartbreaks. licking the wounds of my own and others. I longed to be completely ignorant in those moments when my I can hear the sickening sound of cracking hearts slice through the silence - to be completely sated by warms thoughts of happier times. It's like skiing on a thin slate of ice and watching it crack beneath you - in a torrent of a moment, you find yourself slipping underneath the ice and sinking into the icy waters. Now, I am disjointed in the agitated current.

As my heart shatters into a million pieces, showering me for a prolonged moment, as the shards of everything I once felt jingled on the ground around us and I find myself exposed to world so dark, so cold, so heartless and of such infinite magnitude and size. I do not know how to fix it as my eyes moist up. such hapless moments. I always try to make the best of every situation, I am that girl next door who looks for goodness in every corner, every situation and every person. I found your silver linning easily. You weren't the darkest in the flurry of cotton candy clouds. however my expectations of you were naive. you are just my transit stop, not my destination. at least, not for now. I am not that smiling face you expect at the arrival hall. I am merely another traveller in throngs of a thousands arriving at the terminal. Some are here to stay, some are here to visit and some are just stopping over. I fit in the last category. However, I realise, I fell in love when I shouldn't have. Yes, my whole world, my whole orbiting world consists of just a small, close revolution around my beating heart. I let my heart palpitate and beat hard against my ribcage at the thought of this man who makes me laugh. Lean back in my chair and laugh hard, for the first time in a very long time. I betrayed my rational - my wisedom that screams Nooo, Stop.

The greatest tool of feminity is trust. To be able to sit back and let the man in my life take the wheel, steer me around, drive at neckbreaking speed and trust, that I am in good hands, that I will be all right, no matter what. But you see, this was never about the issue of trust to begin with. This is about the cruelest irony in this twist of fate. You are that man I should never have fell in love with. You were meant to be foreign, but now you are familiar. You were suppose to be distant, but now dear. the more I tried to process the blurring lines, the more maddening it becomes.

Is our relationship bounded by just mere comfort and convenience? Am I just consoling my soul that soon all this will come to pass and my long delayed flight out of here will arrive soon? You will never feel the tears trickling down your arms because I am just too afraid to let it fall in front of you. I want your memory of me to be pure happiness and bliss, not stained by sadness. At the end, the vestiges of what we didn't have, what I couldn't have are just fleeting moments that I try to hang onto, desperately, before my head goes under the water. An unfulfilled love can be romantic in its own twisted way.

Now God, you can laugh.

The magic is gone

2010-01-14T05:57:00.000-08:00

My brain has been a giant site of useless junk churning with nonsensical ideas on how to convince my parents to spend more money on me. I could well afford quite a few things on my own now but I am just too stingy and the thought of having to spend my OWN hard earned money is not very appealing. Yes I am a horrible ungrateful offspring to have. As since all my brain energy is already channel to con my parents' money it takes me hours and days to compile enough mental willpower to create a blog worthy of your time and energy.

Life at work has also been hectic and CrAz-E.

I am always leaving work with tears welling, exasperated and very much wanting to just go home to a nice bathe. During my drive back home, tears will roll down my cheeks and I will silently pray that some kind hearted arsonist will torch planet workplace so I will never have to go back and endure a whole team of people who has contributed to my soaring blood pressure level. It's a rough start at work since the beginning of year 2010; I can't offer perfection. or anything resembling it for that matter. In fact, I am already at my wits end on what else can be done.

But I can offer an earnest desire to try harder, to get better. No, fuck that. I will be better. Because the one positive thing about being at the bottom is that things can only get better from here. And that I can promise: I will do better. Bit by bit, day by day. Nothing is insurmountable.

My heart is doing sommersault flips in my rib cage at the moment. I have my eye on someone who makes me laugh but that's never enough. to stare from afar and wish that things were a tad different. I am finding myself being enveloped in a warm facade of intimacy, becoming best friends from just mere acquaitance. I can only promise to laugh a little more and to be a little better. Scraped knees are easier to heal than broken hearts you say heh?

I wish things will eventually fall into place and this melee that is hanging like a mist over me will disperse soon so I can see the road ahead clearer. Where's my sprinkles of magical sweetness in life?

my heart is whimpering

2010-01-13T23:19:00.000-08:00

it sucks when you have a bad day and you have to sit through it at work when all you want to do is go home, curl in bed and cry your heart out. At the end of the day, you are not even sure if you have someone's shoulders to borrow, you are not even sure if anyone would be there to wipe those tears and most of all, if that one person you are crying for, even knows how you are feeling. All you really know is that love hurts. It stings the heart when its unrequited but it warms the heart when its felt.

To cut or not to cut

2010-01-12T19:47:00.000-08:00

I am contemplating chopping my locks, save on shampoo and cut down the time on my blow dry sessions. What do you think?

Thank you for loving me

2010-01-11T20:16:00.000-08:00

Whenever I think about Rusell Peters and his skit on dad and spanking, I am reminded of my own asian parents upbringing where one half (thank God) believes in the saying, "spare the rod, spoil the child".

My parents (or rather my mother only) is an old-school authoritarian and is a firm believer of what the experts like to call, conditional parenting. When I was younger I was made to believe, so frightened by her "threats" of rotan (canning), that if I am bad, mummy will not love me.

I grew up in a well balanced household with a pretty permissive daddy who is often blackmailed to give in to my whimps and fancies and a disciplinarian mummy who often dooled or withheld awards unless I behave according to her wishes. If I had driven her crazy with my naughty antics the night before, I will arrive in school the next morning with sightly red lines on my legs.

Back then, children my age were never exposed to child abuse advertisements with a hotline number printed largely at the bottom of our tv screens so we can call the child abuse line if ever we find ourselves or our neighbours' children being abused.

Neither was my mother "uber-cool" like most american parents who discipline their young children by forcibly isolating them, a tactic we prefer to call “time out.” The only "time-out" I have gotten when I was a child was my parents allowing me to sit on supermarket floors and wail my heart out while they continue browsing through their shopping.

Although I have yet to arrive at parenthood, I realised that one of the most powerful currencies of a child is parent's acceptance and approval. Till today, in most of my life's choices and decisions, I still seek both Home Ministers' seal of approval before I proceed to launch my next course of action.

I chanced upon an article recently and studies have shown that "..conditional parenting proved damaging. Those mothers who, as children, sensed that they were loved only when they lived up to their parents’ expectations now felt less worthy as adults."

I don't really know what does that mean in deep psychological sense but my years of education has helped me decipher that my mother's conditional parenting skills to reinforce my obedience could have actually caused me to suffer long-term psychological harm. If my mother reads this now, I am sure she will vehemently deny that her love for me is unconditional and her defence would be along the lines of "...of course I love you as my evil child without any strings attached." But according to studies, what counts is how things look from the perspective of the children — whether they feel just as loved when they mess up or fall short.

Eventhough my parents set up 101 rules for me that I couldn't understand back then (and some which I still have not understood), they helped me understand that rationality and sensibility are subjective. By not consistently appealing to mine interest helped equipped me with the strategies needed to contend with moments of tedium or instances when other’s interests supersede mine. Without strategies for tedium, I would most likely give up when a problem is too hard and I feels bored and frustrated. Thanks to dad, I have learnt that when I do not get what I want at the first instance, all I have to do is threaten to pack my bags and move out to the tent in my garden until they buy me or give me whatever I want at that time. Thanks to my no-nonsense and conditional loving mum, I also learnt that after sweltering under the tent for 2 hours, I will eventually get bored, tired, hungry and move back into the house - and to be greeted with the Cane, even worse off from where I have started. Sorry, I lack a conniving mind when I was 8.

Now, I have a greater respect for the sacrifices my parents made for me. And I don't mean material sacrifices. I mean the emotional ones of denying me a car when I was a teenager because they knew I liked to go out and more often than not over do it in libations. I hated them at the time but now it's different. Now I have a context for the past. Now I realize that they made tough choices and placed themselves in the roles of villains because they were guarding my well being and nurturing my potential.

As my parents' child, I am dependent on them to make the decisions when I am unwilling to or unprepared to. Sometimes, I will them to to be that bad cop for my own greater good. Even if I may resent them for some period for making my life miserable but in the long run, its always turn out sunshiney.

I also believe the study conducted as according to that article could be flawed because:-

a.) its written by an ang mor and so what does he know about asian parenting?;

b.) how many asian specimens did they interview to come up with that results?;

c.) I grew up to be a well-rounded kid, albeit a little emo at times;

d.) Most asian kids who grew up without the coodling have achieved pretty awesome things themselves, like most of my peers; and

e.) my parents have seen the depths of my heart and they still love me the same, or in fact, even more.

So, thank you mum and dad for being such amazing parents. Now at my quarter life crisis year, I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Well, thanks to my parents for investing their life savings in a whole array of Enid Blyton and Brittania Encyclopedia, I did not become a stripper. I truly appreciate the sacrifices they have made for me just so I can grow up to be the lawyer I wanted to be since I was 10. ~~and since I saw that child abuse advertisement. now i can start drafting my statement of claim against you both, muahahahaha~~!

Quay Side in Newcastle

2010-01-07T19:40:00.000-08:00

I miss sitting by the river bank and watching the world go by.

Just another Junbug

2010-01-05T23:07:00.000-08:00

After barraging my readers with a posts after posts of New year, countdown to New year and New Year related writing, my well of literary writing has run dry.

As I don't have a 3 year old kiddo to brag about

nor a husband who loves me endearingly and showers me with diamonds and more diamonds daily (yet)

nor am I a highflying career lady who jetsets to exotic places every week - there isn't much of life's gaffe to yak about. Thus, my creativity juices that can flow are limited. Just like you cannot milk Long Island Tea(s) or Pina Colada(s) from a cow - I couldn't possible write about anything else other than topics I am kindred to.

Eventhough I do not lead an enthralling life, I trust things will pick up slowly over time. Since it is not rational or realistic to buy a husband online or to adopt a child from Africa just because the Jolie-Pitts are doing it, I am relatively stuck to make-do with the tools and little experience I have in life to keep my blog alive and my readers glued. I also do not have any profound interest in anything and even if I did once, it was just short-lived considering my short attention span - can't really go on ends about my panda obsession where I tried (but failed) to psycho my parents to buy one for me to keep in our garden. There is no particular celebrity that I worship and I hardly give two hoots if Jay Chou sings about boiled cabbages.

But I am still writing this blog because it is cheaper than therapy and I am certainly too poor to be able to afford a 100 dollars/hour session.

Reading back on my previous posts, I feel I have came a long way since when I first started. Writing and reading are highly therapeutic for me and gives me a great deal of perspective on life. By articulating my thoughts virtually, I am able to vent and rattle about my anguish, joy and various stages of my life to people that I have not meet, have not spoken to and also with those who are just too far and too busy with their lives to hear from me daily. I figured its not so much of what I have to say or what I have in life.

when I reach my golden years,

I know I can look back at my blog and have a good laugh.

I silently pray there will be more new ramblings to share as I go along in life.

Another Manic Monday

2010-01-04T01:50:00.000-08:00

Why New Year Resolutions don't work

2010-01-03T18:51:00.000-08:00

Peeps, Happy 2010! I am glad all of you made it back alive from the stampede of New Year's eve celebration that may have lasted till the wee hours of New Year's day itself for some. Hope you all had a whale of a fun that night with loud noises and slurred songs and that you have pulled yourself together - it could not have been pretty. 3 days must be more than enough for y'all to toast and roast in bed nursing your terrible hangover. Today, its back to reality baby. It's the 3rd day of 2010! It's time for our annual tradition of kicking off the New Year by setting ourselves up for failure and self-loathing.

What's your promise to yourself? Getting in shape? Getting organized? Getting out of debt? Getting in a relationship? Getting more involved in other things other than yourself?

Sure, I've made plenty of resolutions. They've all ended the same way. I'm still not ripped, and my room is still a mess.

My only resolution that has ever been successful is continuing to be totally awesome. That didn't take much work.

I've got no problem with resolutions. They're good things. But no matter how much we promise to ourselves that this year will be different, no matter how much we pray, no matter how much money we spend on a new home gym, 90% of us will give up our resolutions in failure.

I think I've got some reasons why.

1.) One whole day to make a commitment

Much like us Gentiles, the Jews take New Year's to be a time of reflection, repentance, and promises of improvement. Know what comes before the Jew's New Year's? A whole month of psyching themselves up about how much more awesome they're going to be after the New Year. That's right. They spend a whole month looking at their lives, and what they're doing wrong, and how they can improve.

I on the other hand, see a random infomercial for a Bowflex, and on a whim decide that perhaps I should go to the gym...right after I finish this box of Oreos. I spend way more time thinking of what I should tell my family I want for Christmas, than I do telling myself what I want for New Year's. Because, after all, I can make the same resolution every New Year's. Asking for the same thing every Christmas is just stupid.

In other words, when you compare us to the Jews, the rest of us are kind of only using half our butts on this whole resolution thing. Anything that is given such a small amount of thought must not be that pressing.

2.) Resolutions aren't important

You've made it this far by being out of shape, disorganized, and dodging bounty hunters, and I applaud you. If you really needed to change, you would do it. But people are programed to take the path of least resistance. Most resolutions have no immediate benefit, either because they take too long, or they just aren't that beneficial to begin with.

If you want to change your life, it has to be a need. I'm going to need my shrink to tell me, "Nie, you must go and fall in love this year. If you don't, you will DIE a lonely death." Otherwise, why do today what I can put off until tomorrow? Most of us have resolutions that would be nice to keep, but not resolutions we need to keep.

3.) January is a terrible month to do Major things

I personally am not a big fan of New Year's Day. It's usually cold as death outside, gray and wet, and depressing (when I was in England). January is a terrible month, and the start of a long, gray season (unless you're in Australia or live on the equator.) Everyone's taking down their dead Christmas trees. The only good thing is we have a bunch of new Christmas toys to play with while winter drags on.

They need to do a study to determine what is the most motivating day of the year, and make that New Year's. I vote for June 19th.

4.) Most resolutions are self-inflicted punishments

Most of us aren't masochists. We don't get some kind of weird pleasure out of inflicting pain on ourselves. But we pretend to be masochists on New Year's. We tell ourselves we've been "bad," and we're going to have to eat some "whole grains," or go "jogging" to punish ourselves for all the terrible stuff we've done to ourselves.

But within a week or two, most of us realize that we don't need to improve ourselves to raise our self-esteem, because there are medications that can raise our self esteems just fine, along with extending our lives far past what nature intended. So what's the point of living if you're going to be miserable?

What's your resolution? How are you not going to fail this year?

To the New Year Baby!

2009-12-30T01:02:00.000-08:00

its another one day before the year ends. all throughout this year, so much has happen and without me thinking much, its now going to be over in a wink of an eye. The year itself feels like a blur. like i stepped outside my body and watch all those things and events going around me and yet unable to do at thing or two to stop the bad and the ugly from happening. Although I am blessed with a supportive group of people, I always have this tingling feeling that I am all alone inside. It really hurts to be playing tough, to have no proper shoulders to cry on and not to have that one person I can really rely on, for better or for worse. At the end of everything, I just want to go back to someone who will perpetually be there to rub my tired backs, massage my feet, envelope me in one big bear hug and tell me that everything will turn out alright because no matter what happens, I always have him. I am this point of my life that I really yearn to be taken care of.

But i know better. Everyone that has been there for me or could have been there has drifted, run their course of the race with me or are getting occupied with their own life crisis. As much as I am looking forward to next year as another new beginning and close the chapters from this year's book, I am also afraid. Will it be another 365 grueling days of battling it out on my own? What does it really feel like to have someone there to be with you when the going gets tough? Will I ever know how it feels like?

Its a fresh start for all of us next year. We hope that we will be able to get it right the next time round - try new opportunities, venture out into unchartered waters, try new adventures, make new friends and meet more people, have more fun and laugh like we have never laughed in years. I should be more impromptu next year. Fall in love without having to over-anaylse things or situation. Fall in love without thinking twice. Fall in love without worrying I might get hurt. Fall in love and Stay in love. Its still difficult even as the years go by. I still remember those smiles. those crazy eyes. those little details. those words. those frantic mumblings. those whispers. Maybe what they say is true, you never forget the first person you give your heart to.

But I guess screwing up is what makes love all abit mysterious. It's what makes the heart yearn for one more shot. It's what makes my life so colourful...it's the toughest decisions in life that we made no matter how painful it may be that makes each year count.

Next year, I vow to truly not be afraid to say it or show it..when I love someone. Since I am not fairly good at being alone, I vow to pray harder that next year, I will really go out and not be afraid to fall in love, not to be afraid if someone tells me he loves me and promise not to run a million miles when some good decent guy confess that he goes to bed with my picture at his bedside. I vow not to be so commitment phobic and I truly truly swear to try to give my heart away.

Here's a toast to a great 2010!

What's your resolution for 2010?

Calvin and Hopes

2009-12-29T02:07:00.000-08:00

growing up really sucks. there is of course no denying with growing up comes financial independence (which can be a good or bad thing, depending on how much daddy and mummy was paying you in contrary to how much you are earning now standing on your own two feet) but i guess one of the major problems of getting older is that you pick up "responsibility". it's the inevitable "effect" of growing up, like it or lump it, growing up simply means that you must care about more things in the world. have more things on your mind and more worries guarantee less time to yourself and the inevitable loss of childhood innocence. how great those days were... those carefree, whimsical days when all you worried about was what mom packed in your lunchbox that day and how you were gonna avoid getting pelted with rocks by Billy the Bully during recess. ah...the memories.

i was lucky to be able to catch up with a good friend from uni today. technically, he isn't from my uni. we just happened to be in the same country at the same time. i guess you could called us "accidental" friends. long story short, our friendship blossomed when we chanced upon each other when i was sightseeing in London and he offered to take me around. he did confessed later that he wasn't much good of a tour guide of London and only offered to do so because I looked so lost and he took pitied that I was alone. I did felt a tad crept out at that time but he turn out to be a pretty awesome friend who made London feel like my second home. he was always one of those people I knew I could count on and having him around while living abroad was one of the few blessings I thank God for. a true friend: he's always there when i need him. i pray to God that i could be half the friend he is to me.

so my stint in England came and went and naturally, after I returned, the long chats on the phone that we used to enjoyed with our free minutes came to a halt. we kept in touch but since we lived in different time zones, it was never more than the occasional mail or text message. occasionally, we might "bumped" into each other online and chat but it was never the same like the good old days.

let's call my accidental friend, Calvin. Calvin recently landed himself an awesome job in London as an investment Banker being a graduate from LSE himself. yeah, he's gonna watch his bank account balloon up now. what's even better about Calvin is that he is SINGLE and is actively hunting for that bachelerotte who will complete his cosy apartment in Camden.

we went out and chatted about life, love, relationship, Christmas and our pursuit of happiness. All in all, Calvin has grown up so much in this year alone and years of elite education at LSE has seen him grown from boy to man. He is still the same charming and remarkable man, grounded and sincere man that I shared so many heart to heart moments with. he has developed new views on life and adopted different stances on various things but overall we both agreed that growing up wasn't all that nice afterall.

growing up does have certain repercussions. you don't have those refreshing, innocent reflections on life anymore and you lose the creativity you once possessed in your childhood imagination. probably cause your mind is too often preoccupied with burdensome responsibilities and recurring worries. as a result, "grown-ups" become more cynical and weary after years of a hard life beating them down like red-headed step-children. i find myself becoming more cynical and sarcastic every time i take a sip of bitterness from the cup of life. i glare at little kids with so much envy and jealousy that they wet their pants and their parents label me as pedophilic. but how i wish i could be back in their shoes, exuberating so much imagination and raw creativity.

So we are both in our mid-20s now and while Calvin has achieved an amazing feat landing himself a job as an investment banker, I still didn't know what to do with my life. It's not that I do not have a focus in life, I am doing what I have been slogging in law school for but there is more to life than just being a lawyer, isn't there? I always wanted to be everything from a rockstar to a ballerina to a rich man's wife to being a personal designer shopper. Deep down, like most woman, I yearn to have a family of my own. To hear pitter patters of tiny feet and to have someone who comes home to me. Calvin tried to comfort me by applauding my achievements and my larger than life principles. He felt I am having it better than him and that I had cut myself a pretty good deal in this short span of a year. Although the comfort of having one another at just a phone call away can no longer be a privilege we enjoy, we still manage, he said.

Throughout life, we always tend to look back and think, shoudda, woudda, coulda. I shoudda have study medicine. I woudda have been a doctor and I coulda marry a doctor too. Well, maybe it helps not to be so hard on ourselves sometimes. Though the cosy apartment at Camden does sound luxurious and niceties, its still going home to an empty place. Nothing beats the comfort of being where home is. Truth be told, as envious as I am Calvin, I am not ready to leave my cul de sac. I still enjoy going home to mummy and whine about the Bully at work. I have yet to really grow up. But that is another story. let tomorrow worry for itself for today is already laden with it. we can only hope that the sun will come out tomorrow.

Christmas past

2009-12-28T00:54:00.000-08:00

It's the dreaded Monday after the Christmas holidays where some of us not so privilege souls have to drag their lazy selves to slog at work and compensate for the deficit in our bank account due to the season of giving. I nearly fell off my chair when I checked my bank balance this morning. It felt like someone had robbed my bank. or either someone hacked into my account and siphon my lifetime savings in just a span of a week. It seems then I will have to usher in New Year pauperized.

During the holidays, I over binged on the Turkey. guzzle enough liquids for my livers and/or kidneys to hate me. Hibernated like a Polar. Indulged in a buffet of heavenly desserts. suffered bruises courtesy of rowdy ~~snogging~~ Crowds. and gratified in the glory of Christmas Shindig. This year wasn't much about the presents. nor did I get my Tiffany's & Co. or rather the loveliest gifts were not placed under the Christmas tree. They arrived by air and was stuff in my postbox. The postmen in my country seriously need a lesson or two from Santa in delievering Christmas presents with style. They come in their noisy motorbike, honk incessantly at your front gate while you fumble to the gates only to be greeted by a rude grouchy stare and a loud demand for you to sign off their delivery manifest sheet quickly. It must be a crime to be popular and to be receiving gifts for Christmas here.

Thankfully over the years, I had the joy and blessings to be in the company of great peeps to celebrate this holiday season with. In 2005, I had my first English Christmas, the whole she-bang from Cranberry sauce to Christmas Turkey to Salmon to 8 inches of snow to boxing day. The whole fiesta. In 2007, I was most fortunate to have a Down Under Yuletide. In 2008, I flew back from England just to be able to do the countdown in a nick of time back home. This year, I feel that I needed a more chillaxing one. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't that I didn't expect another round of smashing Celebration but rather, I felt expectations are what ultimately killed the celebrations. when you start expecting Christmas to be all glitzy and gold, you place an unfair burden on yourselves and others to make it happen. and as greed is a human flaw, you eventually expect so much that eventually even the best Christmas would feel like a failed celebration in your eyes.

So when it comes to the Best Christmas, the Gold standards of Christmas, I don't believe I really have one. It could do without the Christmas tree or the 8 inches of snow. It could do without the Turkey and the free flow of champagne. it could also do without the presents underneath the tree. it could have a million without(s), but if it has that one thing, that one-liner that makes that christmas uniquely Christmas for that year, I am quick to cheer on it and ride a sleigh with you.

I hope all of you had your own wonderful Christmas time. Coming up next - New Year's celebration. Though I did say to celebrate it with a big bang, let's just hope y'all do not come back from the New Year's holiday hanging on drips or with a broken nose. A hang over is excusable. Till then, run along now and drown in your Monday blues...

All I want for Christmas is

2009-12-22T18:45:00.000-08:00

Thank you for 2009

2009-12-21T02:24:00.000-08:00

My weekend trilogy was amazing. I clocked in so many hours of sleeping, eating and drinking time that I am probably overworking all my organs. I managed to squeeze in a little serenity time at Borders but only to grab a cook book for Christmas present. The countdown to Christmas is always exciting, its looking forward to meeting friends and family, its knowing that there will be surprises waiting for you underneath the tree and its the memories of past christmas that keeps us on our toes, wondering what is in store this year for us all.

At some point in this year, we may get nostalgic and realise that 2009 will be gone in just barely 2 weeks time. Like drinking, its in that moment when the last drop tickles down your throat, that's when you see that moment of clarity at the bottom of your the bottle.

Someone made me realised that life is short and too often, I find myself not having say enough from my heart to the people around me. in life, everything comes in pair. the good comes with the bad. the beautiful with the ugly. the dark and the light. the beginning and the end. with good times, comes inevitably, the bad. at least in my life, I find this to be invariably true. for one, death is a departure. one of the tenets in life should be to have fun and enjoy it as much as possible before you have to leave.

I had a rather good 2009 so far, with a few days left for it to play a prank on me, screaming, tricks or treat!Before this year ends, I want to give my bits and pieces of awe-inspiring thank you rambles to those who have made my life count. you have to put it all into perspective. words may do no justice in capturing my profound emotions for all your people and if you were just next to me, I would have manifest all these emotions into a big hug. However, as all my favourite people are scattered around the globe, words will just have to suffice.

In this journey of life, I am blessed to have had friends to discover things with. To grow with, to laugh with. To bitch with and to rattle with. For all of you who have came from far and wide, brace the traffic and put your livers at risk and witness my celebration of my 24th this year, a big thank you. For those who have tread with me patiently in my walk with God, guided me and enlightened me on His words, I owe you more than words can say. I can only tell you that you have given me the sight and the faith throughout the storm. For those who has whisks me away for holidays and getaways, thank you for sharing my stressful moments, my bad haired days, and left me with wanting more of you people. You kept me moving and looking forward when life throws me in the deepest end. I will not understand why you choose to be friends with me. I will not know why you all stuck by me and I will never have enough to go around for each and everyone of you sweethearts but I thank you all for such awesome 2009...be it bitter or sweet.

I ran through a fullisade of emotions and I like to believe that my rationality kept my sanity for the year, but what struck me the most is that you kept running this race with me. I can't say much for the next, what with female hormones, menstrual cycles and all the symptoms that precedes them. as we get older, our love comes with MANY conditions. we have our list of wants and our avatars of idealism. some of us, God-willing, may happen to meet someone who meets all these expectations. Nonetheless, with my flaws and imperfections, I am thankful that some of you could see pass them or even have the audacity to pretend that I am perfect as a friend in ways that I cannot conjuer.

I love you guys too for such an amazing friendship.

Here are snippets of my life in 2009

There were of course many others who has been part of my 2009 but they were and still are too far for me to capture any momentos with them for viewing here. They were the most extradinaire of all as they bridge the miles that seperate us with their phone calls, their emails, they drops -ins of hellos on msn and skype, their scribblings on my facebook wall and snail mails. John, Shean, Patrick, Wai Shin, Rachel, Victor, Roxanna, Maria, Joyce, Fungying & Paul Koshy, Ricci, Shawn, Andy, Hisako, and all my other friends whom I have unintentionally left out, it isn't because you arent signifcant in my life but rather, my memory tends to fail me at this age - thank you for 2009!

What Ifs

2009-12-19T02:05:00.000-08:00

In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with … and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And it’ll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you’re single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter.

All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.

You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?” That’s what the one that got away is. The biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.

If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already with the one you’re with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her every so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been,” but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing. But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different. What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple … find him, find her. Because the very existence of a “the one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got this one?

Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be “the one that got away” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.”

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”

>>>> Do your best always. Think twice or probably a lot of time before deciding in doing things. It's not healthy having regrets and "WHAT IF's" in our lives. Be happy and always give your best shot in things that you really want to do... have a HAPPY LIFE and HEALTHY HEART always. meaning HEAL - THY - HEART!!

Sometimes Love just ain't enough

2009-12-16T18:35:00.000-08:00

Dear You,

Now, I don't want to lose you

but I don't want to use you

just to have somebody by my side.

And I don't want to hate you,

I don't want to take you,

but I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.

But like a fool I keep losing my place

and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,

and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.

There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.

Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you

I don't want to blame you.

Baby, you don't have to take the fall.

Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.

Maybe I just want to have it all.

it makes a sound like thunder

it makes me feel like rain.

And like a fool who will never see the truth,

I keep thinking something's gonna change.

And there's no way home

when it's late at night and you're all alone.

Are there things that you wanted to say?

And do you feel me beside you in your bed,

there beside you, where I used to lay?

Love, Yin

Another day has gone

2009-12-15T01:59:00.000-08:00

Note to self : pay a visit to Borders and drown myself in the world of literary fiction. I need to breathe in those words and take a break from everything. and i mean it. every damn reality.

Life lately is one of those cinematic moments where I see the world spinning around me and I am caught outside my body, seeing everything in its chaotic perspective. I am feeling under considerable pressure and I am being forced to make concessions. I am not particularly happy with the state of affairs but I feel I have no alternative. If I were to forced issues, I would be completely left out or completely ignored by one or all. The frustration I feel at work with the people I have to work with is uncomprehenable. People who have been forced to be on my team, not by choice but by a decision from someone sitting on an expensive swivel chair. I am not too good at disciplinaring people. I loathe confrontations and every minute of it, I have to try to fight back those tears of anger, frustration, craziness and at the same time, maintain my sanity.

the sad thing is, I've got a dozen apologies, a dozen "i didn't mean it", a dozen pointing fingers, but no real acknowledgement of wrongdoing. in the aftermath, there is no real growth. no progress. no improvements. I am ending up with more explaning to do and a victim myself - a victim of ignorance, a victim of indifference and a victim of incompetent staffs. This just disappoints me. It's not that I dislike my job. Its just that this will be another reaffirmation that I have to be MORE assertive.

We may be different sizes of pebbles. In the end, we are still pebbles in the same pond. We make it our job to make as big a ripple as possible. Bigger ripples last longer. They travel faster. But in the end, we still sink to the bottom of the pond.

Just not my cup of tea

2009-12-14T20:52:00.000-08:00

a relationship is like a cup of tea. left out in the open too long and it just grows cold. i'm pensive about how it fell apart - was there something that i didn't do? was it something we could reconcile? when was the turning point? how can it be salvaged? but nothing comes to mind. well, not nothing. correction, a lot of things. so many things that they bump and cancel one another out to become nothing.

passion dissipates like evaporating steam off the wide orifice of a teacup. it's gradual, barely visible, until ultimately, it becomes cold and you're left with nothing but a soggy tea bag, half a cup of amber liquid that stains the glass, and the somber recollection of the warmth that once soothed the soul. now, the longer it sits, the more permanent the stain.

i'd say we were like oil and vinegar. a delightful mix, but never really homogenous. never really coalescing. maybe we needed a shaking. things needed a stir. but we were left sitting on the counter, powerless to stir ourselves, gradually separating into adjacent layers until we were completely distinct. the thin layer of our relationship was the only thing that bound us.

my thoughts are befuddled. too much thinking. i've had the sudden realization of the certain clarity in not thinking. the feeling of not feeling. it may be a bore, but apathy is a great panacea.

i was still waiting for a response when he stopped calling altogether. i guess that's when he made the conscious decision. he decided to severe ties. go into a incommunicado mode. i followed. and all that is left is the silence that echo in our lives. no more chatters. no more banterings. no more ringings of the phone. unknowingly, he texted me last night to ask me if this was it. I didn't reply. whispered to myself a quiet yes,deleted his text and went back to sleep. all that remained is mine unfinished cup of tea, now cold, left sitting on the table.

the vestiges of what once was.

we can only live for what the hope of tomorrow brings.

Ho Ho Ho

2009-12-13T23:14:00.000-08:00

The Christmas when you were mine

2009-12-11T00:30:00.000-08:00

Please take down the mistletoe

I woke up this morning and felt a twang in my mood. Gosh, must have gotten down the wrong side of the bed. It could be the festive seasons and the humming of christmas aria every nook and cranny that is bitting in me a little. Everything I want is so far away. Reminds me of how lonely this Christmas is going to get for some of us. Not some of us. Just us. You and me. You, who will buy another sweater for your mother this year. You who brace the winter chills with me last christmas. I am feeling nostalgic. a little lonely inside. I know this should not be a lonely time. I am reminded of that Christmas when you were mine.

Voice of an angel

2009-12-10T20:32:00.000-08:00

Logically, I am suppose to love my job. Besides the incompetentcy of some clerks, the barrage of paper work, the disorganised clutter of files, and the occasional moonlighting as a loan shark to chase for payments from scrooge like clients, there is really nothing to not like about my job. Honestly, there is nothing to complain save for the fact that I have this small squeaky voice that should have belong to a girl scout, not a lawyer. but that has nothing to do with my job. it's about me. it's about this mousy tiny sound I make everything I speak. It's the annoyance that I get everytime the caller at the other side would say, "can you speak louder? I cannot hear you." It is the exasperation that I face when they say that. That umbrage that will show in my heated up face from tuning my vocal chords a few volumes louder. Maybe it's time I prioritize and exercise my vocal chords.

I am trying to be honest with myself. Everytime I am on the phone with a client or a Defendant or anyone from work, I sound like I am trying to sell chocolates to them. Like a girl scout. I should have work at a friendship call centre so men can call in to seek solace in my saccharine voice after a stressful day at work. This is the very voice that make good rational men weak in the knees. So I have this weakness. A not so powerful voice like Mariah Carey. but it's fucking ~~sexy~~ sensual. Talking to me is akin to watching porn - the more you hear, the more blood rushes and after awhile, you just feel like exploding. The acid test that seperates the boys from the men.

I suppose it does not help either that I hardly say no to people. I try to be as girl next door as possible and this usually gets me into more trouble. I either find myself committing to something I would not want to in the first place but will satisfy others. I should be more assertive next time. I think putting my foot down can be an effortless ingenuity. It saves time, money and effort.

After some careful cogitation, tonight, and every other night from tonight, I will devote 5 minutes of my time to practice my vocal chords and train it to a husky tone. I will also practice saying, "No" in different octaves. Growling Nos. Whimping Nos. Squeaky Nos. Cheerful Nos. Apprehensive Nos. Booming Nos. Fiery Nos. Simple Nos. Isn't this an unadulterated genius? never, never underestimate the power of petite me.

Be assertive.

B.E Assertive.

Sorry, no comments. I am the lawyer, not the judge. Just pay up your freaking debt. I am not free. I cannot help. Learn it. live it. Speak it.

I am going back to loving my job. I am lovin' it.

Boom Boom pow in 2009

2009-12-09T21:59:00.000-08:00

It's that month of the year again. The last few days left before we count down to usher in a brand new beginning. It's also that month where most of us will be subjugated to delightful 5 year olds by the dazzling aura of yuletide cheers and frenzies. It is that time of the year when bonuses comes in and you gleefully laugh your way to the bank only to sob at the entrance of Saks Avenue or Selfridges on the following weekend because you have just generously donated all your life's saving to buying Christmas gifts for others and yourself (mainly). The mail industry is also experiencing their busiest time of the year this month. Flooded with greeting cards, letters, and ~~bombs~~ parcels all waiting to be sorted out and to arrived at the addressee preferably before Christmas. There sure will be alot of hard nipples at the port where those poor mailers have to brace the double cold brisk weather.

This entry is not going to be another yak about the miracles of Christmas. I have exhausted all ingenious creative writing to brag about the presents and cards that have been deluging my mailbox or rather, the cards and presents have stopped arriving. I am in despair but I can cope with the fact I only have a handful of friends who have me in their hearts to bother to make me ambrosial. In fact, this is going to be random. A whole page scribbled with whatever that makes me tick. Yes, for once, it has to be about me. For 345 days, I have been traipsing on egg shells, worrying that if I the decisions I was making will come back to haunt me one day. Within a span of a week, I have seen and experience, how short and unexpected life is. It has come to my senses that whatever decisions I made, the worse outcome is that I am wrong. I will be wrong and no dead. No wrong can beat death. Even if I made a mistake, I am still living and breathing. Unless of course, I am silly enough to make the mistake of driving under the Influence. However, as I have etablished through the course of writing and as clearly evidenced by my paper achievements, I am a bright and intelligent woman and would have more senses than to be intoxicated and attempt a F1 feat.

It's amazing how our human body is made to adapt, adjust and accept new conditions. When we were younger, we always felt infallible, almost immortal. We were idealistic. not yet jaded. Then most of life lessons came in unexpected ways, all of them leaving a scar. Unfortunately, there are drawbacks of having to learn everything the hardway. It would have been far more easier if I had been built with a mircoship embedded in me to guide me in every decisions I made and to warn me of the dangers lurking withint a seductive smile, a rousing wit and a clever conversation. But we never learn from simply observing, do we? It's the hands-on experience, the trauma, the drama and the pernicous catastrophies that puncture our protective bubbles and leave us vulnerable to infections and viruses that threatens to take out the light in our eyes. It's the volatile mixture of what life brings us that makes an impression and nothing can ever detract from that.

When something goes wrong with your life, the universe doesn’t care; life goes on. One day comes and then another and then another. And sometimes if circumstances are bad, I can assure you, it can get worse. It is really up to you how you want to live.

If you have survived the maelstrom and pandemonium of 2009 till this far, give yourself a pat on the back. Your miraculous account of your surviving 365 days in life's harshest circumstances of the year (whatever may be) should be made into a movie and documented to be a best-selling novel. So, do yourself and the rest of the world a favour, find yourself a good publisher and an editor to record your testament of a heroic 2009.

Don't let this year be the most important year that has happened to you. Look forward. You will have a future. You will have a life. What I had gained at 24, some people only learned at 42. We all have our own 2009s to overcome at some point in our life. There is only so much we can work for. Even if we work 24/7, there will still be more to do. And completing work leads to more work. I don’t want to reach 90 and say I wish I were 19 again! Now we can’t all be like Bill Gates or Tony Fernandes. The success is in aiming for that.

We all only experience what 2009 has to give once. The surprises and shocks that 2009 has to give is almost running out. Our lives belong to us. Whatever the year has given to us or taken away from us, we must make do with whatever we can with it. No one is going to live this life for you nor achieve your dreams for you. So live out your life. Live your dreams. If not now, when?

Chuckles for the day

2009-12-08T21:42:00.000-08:00

Humour 1
During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted to the hospital.'

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we give a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup, right?'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the drain plug.

Well........ Do you want a bed near the window?'

Humour 2

Humour 3

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh! Am I driving?'

Humour 4
This is a ceiling mural in a smoker's lounge

Humour 5
Anil came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Anil, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'.

The mysterious Man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm Yamraj'. Anil was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'.

Yamraj replied 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.' Anil was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'

It's not so bad' replies Anil, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like 'I'm about to explode'. You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'. 'Never' replies Anil

'Well just relax and let it happen' And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting

Anil, wake up you drunken idiot, you're shitting on the bed'.

Brown packages tied up with strings

2009-12-07T20:08:00.000-08:00

Snowflakes on windows and christmas is coming,

Bright colour lights and misletoe kissing,

brown paper packages tied up with strings,

these are a few of my favorite things.

When someone leaves, when the wound stings,

when I'm feeling sad,

I simply remember my favorite things,

and then I don't feel so bad.

Yuletide is just around the corner,

friends all over the world is sending me gifts

just receiving their heartfelt wishes make my heart warmer,

opening those presents see my spirit lifts.

Look what came by the mail for me today

Brown package tied up with strings

with brown tape plastered in a messy way

a cheque that makes my bank account sings

a love letter that melts my heart

and a sanctuary spa from my sweetheart

Christmas came early all thanks to Plan Bee

In loving memory of Mama Walrus

2009-12-02T00:29:00.000-08:00

When death comes knocking

2009-12-01T23:25:00.000-08:00

As I thought this year was going to be one where I will not suffer a profound grief like the 2 years before, the rug was swept from under me. This is the 3rd year in consecutive that I find myself losing people who occupies huge spaces in my heart. Now, there are so many empty rooms to fill. a vacancy. a vacumm that I can never know how to fill. You never really get over the loss of a loved one, you just try very hard to get on with your life.

In 2007, I was 6 months fresh back home from England. I remember vividly leaving for K.L. after spending Chinese New Year with grams where I was sitting at the footsteps of my maindoor when grams said to the back of my head, "come back more often alright?" and I just nodded without turning to look at her. 2 weeks later, I lost her to dehydration/gaut and I will never hear grams telling me to come home to visit her anymore. It was heartbreaking for me because I never had the chance to say goodbye and even more difficult for my mum who felt she could have done something to save grams.

In 2008, I was midstream studying for my final hurdle to qualify to be a full fledge lawyer when Jason left. It was exactly a year after grams passing and his parting words still resonates clearly in my ears. It shattered my heart into a million pieces and he left a hole in my heart that is in his shape that no one has seemed able to fill. I felt my loneliest hours in England, my coldest Spring and my bitterest tears was called forth by the memory of hours we spent together, the promises broken and the dreams vanished.

Today in the year 2009, I lost my godmum, someone I fondly call mama walrus. That woman who made funny jokes with me, that woman who rang me all the way from Malaysia when I was having a hard time in England just to hear me breathe, that woman who made the walrus family complete and that woman whom I will never get to tell her, that I love her.

Each and every one of them took a piece of me with them when they left. All they left behind were memories that I had to live with, memories that I know will never be enough to last me a lifetime, memories that will soon fade out through time. the reality of impermenance hit me. Although I have experienced the grief of losing a loved one, it never gets easier with the next. Each and every person who takes up residence in my heart deserves to be there in some way. They are irreplaceable in their very own aspects. Most of us cannot understand how to cope. Our intelligence is reduce to that of a child and our innocence is shattered.

In the first year, you look the same, but you’re different. Someone who was a part of you is gone. You feel as if you’ve been abducted by aliens who have conducted experiments that have changed you. You look around for others who have also been abducted (lost a loved one) to compare notes with. You know those who haven’t lost someone close yet will be abducted someday too. But you can’t tell them much about it, because they won’t believe you.

The first couple of years: You know how it is when you’ve lost a tooth, and your tongue keeps going to the spot where the tooth used to be? Your tongue is drawn to feel the remaining sharp edges and to repeatedly examine the huge gapping hole left in the tooth’s place. You realize you’ll have to learn to eat differently. It’s sort of like that, losing someone you love. Your mind is compelled to review every detail of your loved ones life and death. It’s a seductive kind of torture that feels good while it hurts.

By the 3rd year after losing a loved one, you’re busy with your life. You don’t cry much. Things seem okay, but then you remember: They’re gone. They’re still really gone. It’s like getting the punch line to a very bad joke, over and over.

It never gets better. You just learn how to cope. There may be new people to fill in those spaces but the gap never closes.

Gentle Reminders

2009-11-30T01:06:00.000-08:00

Have a Great Week Ahead Boys and Girls!

p/s: thank you John!

Sweet Angel of mine

2009-11-27T02:00:00.000-08:00

Let's be honest, how many of you REALLY ENJOY getting little angel love notes from every person in your address book? You know the ones with "I love you so... here's an angel" .. and some mushy poem crap....

And like the cute wasn't bad enough, they then THREATEN you with bad luck if you don't send it on to others!!

So here's a new version

Take some fairy dust

Sprinkle it on an Angel

POOF!!

He's good luck because he probably made you smile.

When you're finished trying to see up his loincloth,

(AND YOU JUST LOOKED AGAIN, DIDN'T YOU??),

HAVE AN AWESOME WEEKEND BOYS AND GIRLS!

The power of Communication - part 1

2009-11-25T00:39:00.000-08:00

Without needing to debate further, all would agree, love just ain't enough to hold a relationship together. The glue or rather the secret to a healthy relationship is ~~Condom,~~ ~~Cash~~, Communication! As men are martians and woman are venusians, no matter how compatible or perfect we may be for each other, we are still two different species. We will tend to disagree, come into disagreement, banter, bicker, beat each other up and nag one another till one of our ear's bleed.

Women always find that the men they are dating do not care about them, do not have time for them, do not seem to understand them (which translate to mean, when you asked her what she wants to eat, she answers whatever and you order Chicken Cordon Blue instead of her whatever version of Marina Platter), ill-treats them, do not shower them enough love (which translate to mean, "my friend's sister's bf gave her a Prada for her birthday and you only gave me a Tiffany Bracelet! you don't love me!"), do not care enough for them or do not have a brain. Why don't you friggin' buy a brain??!! she yells from across the room and throws the hairdryer at you.

Woman also always find that the sweet and funny man they fell in love with has changed, transform ~~to megatron~~ OR evolved to a different species after dating for a couple of years. During courtship, the guy would climb every mountain, swim every ocean and go through heaven and hell just to impress the girl. They would be so romantic and write poems that put Shakespeare to shame. After having gotten the girl, all that romance seems to be so surreal. That man in shining armour is just a chimera. The spider has lurred the fly to its web. If you say, "darling, why you don't text me so often anymore?" he will say, "you think i've shares in maxis/digi/celcom/whichever telco company isit? you think i don't need to work ah..everyday text you, text you!" So you see, THAT'S WHY IT WILL NEVER WORK OUT.

Communication is vital to live harmoniously but it has to be communicated in the right way. Two has to be engaging in a conversation, a speaker and a listener, for there to be a communication. One person doing all the talking, the nagging, the screaming and the whinning while another trying not to hurl back abuses at you is not a dialogue. You may call that a monologue if you like. I would call that a communication breakdown. If you do not tell me how you feel, I would not know. If you do not tell me what you like for dinner, I could only guess. If you do not spend so much time playing computer games, then maybe, you will take notice that I just trimmed 2cms of my hair. If husbands would spend more talking to their wives, less affairs would take place. Just like men cannot read women's mind, we women do not have a crystal ball to consult about what is going through yours either.

Dear Males, we females do not demand alot. Just a fraction of your time and your affection. Of course we may disagree, quarrel and fight each other to death but what seperates all these arguments from those that make us grow closer and those that break up couples is how we overcome our differences together. Its that willingness to make that phone call or type that text or even write that email after we have cool down and calm down. When we are ready to talk like rational adults, we should take that chance to reconcile, compromise, kiss and make up. The way we relate and see pass the differences. The little opportunities to get to know each other better, to learn about each other and to reflect on our actions, our words and our thoughts. It is how we communicate our feelings, our fears, our dreams, our joys and our sorrows. It may not be just words, it can be an action, a gift, a helping hand, a hug, Tiffany, Prada, Manilo Blahniks, and a whole other goodies.

Not everday can be like Club Med. It's the tough times that test the waters. It's the first hug after a cold war that warms the heart. It's nothing more than communication...

There is a reason

2009-11-22T20:07:00.000-08:00

Our expectations and yardstick of equality permutates as we grow older and its refine through years of falling, watching, learning, picking yourself up and making mistakes. People don't stay on the same page all the time. If you look back, you will realised how many people have walked into your life, stayed for awhile and continue on with their journey, leaving you behind. There's a reason why people don't stay who they are. We evolve. We grow. We mature. We get tired of one another. We fall out. We ran out of things to talk about. You think everyday see the same face, not fed-up isit?!! You think everyday hear your voice, ear not painful isit? You think everyday talk to you, I very free isit?! You think I really like listening to your broken record of why you hate your job?! Sorry, I hope I did not taint your ideals that I will always remain the same sweet person you met when I was eighteen. I certainly did not stay as that 5 year old who poke her colour pencils into other kids' butt.

Change happens. There is nothing we can do about it. Your best bet is to try to adapt to that change. You may be scared to try something new, but that's okie, we were not all born with dutch courage, just do your best. Rolling with the changes may help you see that sometimes, the grass is greener on the other side.

Eventually in time, we will all see things different and from a myriad of perspective. 5 years ago, your view of the world maybe circumscribed and you are proud to be Malaysian. 5 years later and after spending years in a foreign land, you now have panoramic sight of the world and an arrogant pompous accent. You have been Aussified and can no longer see eye-to-eye with Malaysia. You could no longer imagine yourself living in this sunny all year round country that offers you peanuts for salary, its people whose idea of an effing good weekend is sitting at coffee houses sipping cheap coffee and has probably not heard of the heavenly Max Brenner.

Most people forget that despite the different values, the contrasting opinions, the disaparating expectations, the bizarre skin ~~Corours~~ Colour, the sundry of languages, we have something that is homogenous. We all have a CHOICE. We all have that freedom, that freewill and ~~that colour pencil in our hands to poke at whosever buttcracks~~ ability to choose. Our choices we make shapes our life. We choose to adapt to changes. We cannot choose the circumstances that sometimes life brings us but we can choose how we respond to those changes. We choose to "upgrade" our expectations, from Pentium 1 to Pentium 5, we choose to stop looking at the world through rose-tinted glasses, we choose to set our standards of equality and we choose the people we want in our lives. Our choices are influenced by our values, by our goals in life, by the guiding principles and morals we live our lives by, and by the "current situation" or rather the reality of things.

Eleanour Roosevelt once said, "“One’s philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes. In the long run, we shape our lives and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”

When weekend comes

2009-11-20T20:04:00.000-08:00

Movie buzz

2009-11-18T18:47:00.000-08:00

Things You Need to Know About Chinese Swordsman Movies

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1. Being the hero's parents will always be unlucky and will usually be killed by enemies when the hero is young, and the hero will become an orphan.

2. When a man is wounded and dying, he always manage to catch his breath and speak a few sentences to reveal the killer before dropping his head and declared dead.

3. Skilled people are able to fly over roof tops, up trees and across distances without any sweat. But when travelling to towns and villages, they still have to walk or ride horses.

4. The heroes need not have to work for money, but will always have gold and silvers with them to pay for their dishes.

5. The heroes and villains will meet each other very often no matter how big the country is and no matter where they are.

6. Healing internal wounds in the body is as easy as sitting down cross-legged, palms on the knees and smoke coming out from the head.

7. They can keep a lot of stuff in their sleeves and waistband and never drop them (carrying especially lots of those gold and silver ingots)

Things You Would Never Know Without Indian Movies

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1. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to cleanse his wounds.

2. The hero cannot fall in love with the heroine (vice versa) unless they first perform a dance number in the rain.

3. Once applied, make-up is permanent, in rain or in any other situation.

4. Two lovers can be dancing in the field and out of nowhere, 100 people will appear from god-knows-where and join them in the dance.

5. In the final scene, the hero will discover that the bad guy who he is up against is actually his brother and the maid who looked after him is his mother and the chief inspector is his father and the Judge is his uncle and so forth.

6. Key English words used in the movie (usually said out loud between sentences) are No Problem!, My God!, Get Out!, Shut-up!, Impossible!, Please forgive me!

7. They drop down on the ground and roll and roll while singing and come out with different clothing.

8. They can run around the coconut trees, singing, batting eyes-lid, throwing glances at each other and change clothes all at the same time without being out of breath.

9. They will sing from the top of the mountain and right down to the shoreline all in one song.

The Gift

2009-11-17T19:26:00.000-08:00

Last year, I wanted a Magical Christmas. As I spent the countdown to Christmas in London, where the weather was turning to a freezing temperature and the days were shorter, my heart was glowing with the feeling of warmth and giddiness. There was a huge Christmas Tree that benefits Trafalgar Sqaure every Christmas as a gift from Norway, Regent Street and Oxford Street was literally a flooded with participants of the national sport during this season, a.k.a.Shopping, and what is Christmas without the stunning twinkling myriad of lights that adorn the Streets of London, painting London town with a vibrancy of light and colour during the bleak winter.

Christmas is a time of beauty from the inside out. For a brief period, we seem to give ourselves permission to let go of all the little stressors that constraint us, and we open our hearts to love, to giving and receiving. It is a time when hearts are filled with joy, and minds are filled with caring thoughts much more than at any other time. It is a time we regale in our childhood dreams and believe that Santa comes riding in his sleigh drawn by reindeers from Lapland with presents for the children who have been so good for the year. I think Santa is a desolated man who often overstuff himself with leftover turkeys and rapsberrys sauce from Christmasses before, growing so fat, that every year when he makes his Seasonal round to deliver presents, he gets stuck in Chimneys. Or rather, no one wrote to Santa to inform him that frontdoors were invented to welcome people into your house. Then again, not everyone welcomes santa into their house. Especially if you have been a bad kid.

I wonder if Santa really hears me and know that I have been real good this year. If Santa needed a model child, I would have been that child. I pledge my Organs to the needy (e.g.gave my kidney to Royal Mail), Donated to the needy (e.g.made a small contribution to my Disneyland Fund) and shared my love with the needy (e.g. generously bought myself a pair of shoes every month). This Christmas, I do not want Prada, I do not want Goldiva, nor do I want a spanking holiday. I know what exactly I want this year, Santa. Send me someone to love in a big red bow. That special someone who will stand under the misletoe and snog me crazy. Just kidding. Send me a cause to give. Give me a reason to believe that with all the schmaltzy Christmas specials on, Christmas isn't just about the frantic tearing a multi-coloured expensive wrappers just to discover we have gotten what we asked for this year. Rather I want to give away a gift from my heart, a little gift that is called Forgiveness.

To me, Christmas is a time for giving, a season to share and a reason to gather with family and friends to ~~drink free champagne~~ celebrate the birth of Christ. And even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, odds are that someone you love does. Bear with me while I put on my holy cloak and preach. Christmas is the greatest celebration of the year because ~~everything is on sale,~~ the message of Christmas is all encompassing. It's the season of giving because God on the first day, gave His only Son, Christ to us, as our saviour. Giving, keep in mind, is love in action. Christmas however, represents giving the infinite. To put others before us and to give something that is beyond our mind to grasp that our earthly nature can never comprehend or understand.

This gift of Forgiveness will not burn a hole in my pocket but rather something money cannot buy. Coming from the bottomest sincerest pit of my heart, I want my gift to be felt. This Christmas, I am giving away a fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. I think no matter how far off the pedestal the character fell, it always deserve a 2nd chance. I am opening my heart to love, opening my eyes to the colours and opening my arms to forgive.

This year, is there someone you would very much like to say, I forgive you? Forgiveness is a funny thing, it cools the sting and warms the heart.

You've got No Mail

2009-11-14T07:08:00.000-08:00

Royal Mail when is it not on strike, is cheap and on time. Sending parcels and letters are convenient and easy. You buy one of those sticker stamps of Queen E, paste it on your envelope and within the next 2 days, said letter or parcel will arrive at recipient's doorstep with little fuss. Last month, after inquiring for the correct address of the lucky recipient of my parcel, wrapped the parcel, drove to the post office, wrote the address on the parcel, weighed the parcel and paid a kidney for it, I waved goodbye to it at the port for it to be shipped off to England. Upon arrival on English shores, the Royal Mail decided to take an early annual holiday and went on strike. Without having to say, my precious parcel did not arrive at the doorstep of my lucky recipient causing such profound grief and sorrow.

I do not mind if my parcel had arrived with a dent in its box. I would also not mind if my parcel arrived one month later than scheduled. I would also not give two hoots if Royal Mail felt that my oddly shaped parcel was a threat to national security and refused it entry to England and hence delivered it back to me. What I cannot abide is that after spending a fortune to send my bottled lingerie, only to have Royal Mail lose them in the midst of their strike. Which hare brained lunatic had sanctioned that strike?

What is the strike about I have no idea. It could be another case of wanting pay rise, less working hours, more paternal leaves, or requiring redundancy letters to be more interesting, "Dear Me, I have three young children to feed but I am afraid I can no longer stay a day here...". Honestly, these Royal Mail employees should have just threaten to threw stones at their employers and eat their pet poddles rather than just completely stop working and sip skinny lattes.

Of course, I cannot sympathize with these people who lick stamps and weigh parcels for a living. Its like how I cannot stop envying those Prada People with work in skyscrapers glass buildings where the pantry serves Starbucks and M & S cookies and the receptionist look drop dead gorgeous. Royal Mail employees should be grateful their lungs are not turning into diseased walnuts digging coal to power my Electrolux. There is no genuine grievance to understand and such strike can not be properly effective and this has resulted in the lost of my parcel.

Then again, what do I know about mails delivery? I am not Royal nor do I look like I qualify to work in a post office. I cannot lick my stamps. I have a phobia that some cockroach or lizard has laid its eggs on those stamps and if I lick it and my tongue has a cut on it, baby creatures would hatch in my mouth. So no, I cannot work in a post office. Yes, the Royal Mailers should be respected for their bravado in licking egg laden stamps and I should just be wiser next time to insure my parcels. Period.