My heart belongs to what's-his-face

when love is about you and him hogging the camera limelight that everyone else in the background becomes a blur


My older and wiser generations of womanly figures in the family often tell me that it is easier and better to be with someone who loves you more than you do. I am most convicted at that time that the option to be loved, to bask in all the attention and to swim in all that passion was definitely easier than loving someone who loves you less or is unsure whether he/she loves you.

But there's so much pressure in being loved. It's far from what i used to think. You start to feel guilty that you don't feel the same way. This person is feeling all these strong feelings for you and all you can do when they say "hey, I really love you, you know that right?" is "yeah, I know..." And to see the look of hurt sweep past his face as his feelings aren't reciprocated again... that's kind of tough.

Love is more than just a feeling and it is not just a feeling...

When I was less matured (ahem ahem!), I believed that love is just some disease you catch. like the occasional flu virus that goes around. when love is in the air you seem to just catch one of those you-jump-i-jump viruses. It's contagious! You can't help when you catch it, and when you do, you come down with a series of euphoric and sometimes distressing symptoms like the infamous butterflies in the stomach, light-headedness, and general inability to function, talk or act normally. you generally evolved to another species of homo sapien. But the older I get, the more I have begun to realize that love is really so much more than just a mysterious passing ailment, striking at random, and leaving you flustered (and in my case damaged) in its wake. It is, not a force of nature, but perhaps the one human emotion that separates us from nature. I remember thinking to myself during the worst moments of some of my relationships, "If only we were stuck on a deserted island together, this relationship would be so blissful." At the time I didn't realize the absurdity of this statement. Any relationship would work in the absence of outside variables. Scheduling conflicts, monetary concerns, others competing for one's attention. It's how you work through these things that truly tests the strength of your love and commitment. Love is not just a feeling. It's how committed you are when you are both faced with the obstacles that the world throws in your path. one of it being..

unbashfully declaring your love for another in a busy and noisy restuarant filled with minions who cannot understand public display of affection...

Love is sacrifice...

And that means putting the other person's happiness before your own. What would the words "I love you" mean if they didn't cost anything? I don't mean diamonds or a new car, although that often ends up being the case. In some way, shape, or form love always involves a sacrifice. Whether it be the time you spend with that person, the pride you set aside to forgive them, or some of the freedom that you had while single to be wherever you wanted with whomever or pledging your kidney and cornea to another. And not least of all, you sacrifice the possibility that you may be happier or more compatible with someone else. and that with less a kidney and no eyes to see, you can still be on cloud nine with someone out there amongst billions of potential candidates. You don't care-- because you're in love. Esentially, you are saying, "Perhaps there is someone out there that's better for me, but I don't care because I love you." Maybe that's the sacrifice that means the most.

girls with faces like that being with guys with faces like that -both are sacrificing alot, trust me!!

Love is a choice...

I guess in some ways it seems more romantic if we think of love as this irresistible force that overcomes us at it's convenience. However, you can't commit to a feeling-- you can commit to a choice. I think the older you get you begin to realize that it is so much more than just a feeling. Sure, that's a part of it, but you gotta remember that a lot of that is just adulation, infatuation, and hormones. Feelings come and go, and even the most passionate of flames will die down to a slow burn. Basing your love on just the feeling alone means that the moment that head-spinning rush is gone, so is your relationship. sad, but true. only shallow individuals who cannot hold responsibility for their own feelings will based their love on the high feeling and when someone comes along and shower them with the attention they have beend deprived, the relationship becomes a bore and nothing more than just a past.

Even if you have to make a conscious decision that you love someone, it doesn't take away from the emotion or the meaning. The feeling obviously has to be there for you to imagine that you can endure into the future with this person.

Often times when people talk about what it "means" to be in love, they're really speaking about what they think it means to be a good partner. How to develop a strong relationship and union, and not about what it means to be in love.

The meaning is in the fact that, love by it's very nature necessarily has to be a choice. How meaningful would someone's love be if they were forced into it, against their will? Would you want someone to say, "I love you, because I have no choice" ? Well, maybe that does sound pretty good... as a line in a movie. But if you get down to it, how is that any different from putting a gun to their head? People who believe that you don't have the right or ability to choose who you love end up calling you at 3am just to breathe silently on the phone, and randomly showing up at places where you happen to be.

Our concept of love has been shaped by society, shakespeare, fine art, and soapy Korean dramas. And although the child-like idealism and lofty romanticism often portrayed is a beautiful and hardly insignificant part of its essence, it's only a single facet. True love is something that grows and matures over time. It transforms itself from the doe-eyed puppy love of chlildhood, to the lust driven maelstrom of adolescence-- and finally to a mature, full acceptance of that other person as a part of your life for all their flaws and virtues. Being in love is easy because it's one thing in life you don't have to try for, to strive for, to work at. It should come naturally and effortlessly. However, to be in a "successful," enduring, permanent, relationship filled with love - that's where all the other discussion about sacrifice and priorities come in. And although it's not always as fun and carefree as a schoolboy crush or a summer fling, what you have left in the end is far more enduring, grounded, and meaningful.

a moment like this, some people wait a lifetime, for that one special kiss, it is the choices you make that allows for a moment like this to happen

p/s: thank you vjy for allowing me to borrow your pictures. your sacrifice is for the greater good of mankind..

Love is cinta

Why do all the problems that can exist in relationships seem to befall us? Why do we have to endure so many bumps and humps and never given a chance to sail a smooth journey? Why can't I be, close to you?

Do you believe in Walt's Disney happily ever after? Will good triumphant over evil in the real world of ours where the Princess do not live in far far away castle and our knight in shinning armours is just an ordinary man in the sea of extraordinary gentlemen? A simple story of love with a tablespoon of hope, a dash of romance, 2 stalks of happiness, 500grams of faith, a sprinkle of laughter and 3 litres of Tears. It may not be the ideal recipe for fairy tale love stories but it is sweet nonetheless. However, the question here is, What is the IDEAL recipe to create a Walt Disney's happily ever after? Do I dance my way into a magical ball with my glass slippers or Do I simply prick my fingers on a spinning wheel and fall into a long deep sleep till Prince Charming come along and give me a kiss? I have longed grown up and stop believing in my dusty books of romance. There is no Jamie Oliver to teach us in this world to cook up a good meal of love. A good and loving relationship must have and will sail through wild seas and roaring thunders before they reach their destination called, Port Bliss.

Well, of course, undeniably not all relationships can survive the ocean. Some will sink, some will hit the iceburg, some will lost their way, and most will never see the clear blue skies and ringing church bells awaiting at Port Bliss.

The crews on the relationship play important roles. In the whole journey to Port Bliss, they must continously give and take. There should always be understanding and as crews in this dangerous journey, they must equipped themselves with wisdom, patience and LOVE to survive. Wisdom to know when to steer clear of whirlpools and not to jeorpadise the other crew. The patience to understand the needs of the other crew, to give into some of the demands he/she may have and the possible drama(s) that may ensue in the journey. Love is above all. What is love? Knock at the door of your heart and it will let you into what is love. Love drives you to sail on in the storm, it holds back the bitterness that ensues and it hides your struggles, but most of all, its the connection that the 2 crews will need to keep on sailing.

I lacked the patience and my crew lack the wisdom. WE struggle to keep the ship afloat in storms, we fight about who should steer the wheel, we raised voices for the tiresome long journey and we ponder why it is taking us so long to reach Port Bliss. Along the way, we have throw in the towel. WE got bored the journey and we stop embracing love. Love is when we will just enjoy the simple things in this 'ship'. Listening to the lapse of waves, watching dolphins swim in the sunset, and lying next to each other counting the stars at night. If you ever feel lost in the sea and lonely at times, embrace love. Just simply come back to your heart and knock at it.

It will fill your soul with love and then you will be back on track to your Port Bliss. The church bells will ring and the birds will sing, but it is your choice, to jump ship or to endure the hardship so you can listen to the ringing and the singing together for Love is Cinta. Do not let the cumbersome journey drain out your love darling.

Finding love

First of all, you're smarter now. You spent most of your youth figuring out what you don't want in a relationship, so now you have amassed a laundry list of presumably reasonable criteria that may or may not be remotely realistic. And while you've got a clearer idea of what you don't want, what exactly it is you do want remains a mystery.

Every relationship that you've experienced has stolen a bit of your enthusiasm for the next. Your ability to trust has been slowly eroded by broken promises and callous duplicity. You have a little less to give, a little less energy, and a little less optimism. You're afraid of squandering what you have left on the wrong person. You wonder if you can love again, the way you used to-- wholehearted, and reckless. You want to love again, before you forget how. Then there's the whole awkwardness that comes along with trying to get to know someone in a semi-respectable manner. We call it dating. Navigating the logistical quandaries of when and where to meet. Trying to work things into your busy schedule. Finding that elusive element of chemistry, which if found, is fickle and temperamental at best. Once you manage to actually find time for each other, you then engage in an bizarre ritual of phone tag, text messages, and movie dates.

Always, you're asking yourself-- is it too soon? Should I kiss him/her? A second date after this one? When is the right time to call? What should I wear? Am I coming on too strong? Too passive? Will he> respect me in the morning? All for the sake of navigating the thicket of emotional brambles we have built to protect ourselves from heartbreak. And what about timing? They say timing is everything. Eligible mates are dropping off the radar left and right-- either married, in a relationship, or too busy for one. You optimistically hold out hope, that you can find someone who meets your epic requirements.

But on the off-chance you meet someone that does, are they recently out of a relationship? Too soon. Or recently into one? Too late. Or, as often is the case in this crazy world, they're on their way to somewhere in life, and don't have time to pause and notice that you're perfect together. The older you get, the smarter you get. You've learned from your mistakes and you change your behavior accordingly. We build emotional defenses and walls, and all the aggravation and formalized structure of the dating game is supposed to help us break through the fortifications we've worked so hard to put up. Maybe in the end it's not as systematic as we've gotten used to.

Maybe the reason it was easier in our younger years was because of the fact that we were innocent, and didn't know any better. We didn't automatically throw out the baby with the bathwater at the first hint of something that doesn't fit into our master plan of life and love. Maybe to find love, you need to let yourself be a little reckless and stupid.

Sarang in Gayo

What is it that attracts two people with complete different personalities, brought up in contrasting school of thoughts and most of all, from two opposite sides of the globe?

I once read that on individual is most likely to be attracted to another if the both of them resembles each other. One with the femine features and the other with the masculine feature. Similar and yet different. Put the two together and you see identical features in each other, so much so that one might think they are related. Well, then said, you will be then most likely to be attacted so someone who looks like you though you may not think so. This 'we look like each other' theory has actually be proven in many couples. My past crushes resembles me too. Some told me before that we look like brothers and sisters. He could have been my brother...he ain't heavy, he is my brother..but unfortunately, he is heavy and he is NOT my brother. So what other theories are there?

Opposite attracts. The most common words used when u meet couples with completely different personalities. Its like seeing a dog dating a cat. Why? Opposite does attract. One fulfills what the other lacks and hence, complete each other. Say, a clown dating a serious person. Dont you see the attraction? hahahah..difficult yes i agree, but the clown fills the dead serious person with some humour while the dead serious person knocks some sense of reality into that the clown.

What other attractions are there? well..there are plenty of materialistic and surealistic and bombastic reasons. You may be attracted to someone because she is pretty, dead gorgeous or he may be filthy loaded you just like the sense of money on him? There may be some other bizzare reasons out there but let's not explore to those valleys of darkness and physchoticness lah..otherwise some will develop twisted ideas and fantasies that will add up to more social problems...so..we detour..to something more ahhh...cloud nine.

Have you thought about Sarang In Gayo? No, don't need to go wikipedia that word, it simply means, perhaps love in korean. Yes, maybe the attraction to one another is perhaps love. the quivering of the lips, the pounding of the heart ( like heart attack), the butterflies and caterpillars in the stomach..is that love? is that the one thing that you have been looking for all your life but never seem to find it and now you seemed to have found it? the attraction that doesnt need you to be a rocket scientist to tell you..its your own feelings for God's sakes! Chemistry 101, one atom of oxygen plus two atoms of Hydration...yes perhaps you do need WATER afterall.

Everybody is sure to experience that moment before..the perhaps love situation. It just when and how and with who..

Forgotten ones

So often in life, we abandon the old and stale. The little things in your life that seemed to insignificant. We tend to discard the things that is most meaningful to us but never took notice of. Let's take a walk down memory lane..

Do you remember those sets of transformer toys u used to play and worship while you were young? When you grew older and enter your teenage years, transformers toys transformed to ranging hormones for girls. Your interest is how to transform yourself into the man for your dream girl. Who cares about bumblebee and optimus prime..well not until later when the transformer movies were out and u abandon that dream girl to dig out your old boxes of passion..transformer toys! cant find it anymore le..

Lets unwind back a little more to those years in college. When you cared so much about the clothes u wear, what people think about you and most importantly if whether you were in the cool gang or the nerdy gang. It was important to be accepted. Now? Brand is no longer your priority. Pasar malam clothes also can..as long as you have money to buy the new iphone or that new sports car you have been eyeing..well at least for us who has grown up and grew tired of NIKE. We now want Hugo Boss, Armani and Gucci from the local pasar malam where you can buy 3 t-shirts for RM30. Good bargain huh? nobody will know its fake..with those huge printed words on the front of your shirt screaming..check out gal, I am wearing Dolce. Do you wanna come to my (G)abanna tonight?

So what is the thing that I have abandon over the years? My light hearted self. My ability to throw a witty comeback, my ability to laugh at the silliest thing. Yes it is an ability. I forget how to laugh at the littlest thing in life. I forgot how beautiful I am when I was fun and loving. How I can shrug of the slightest comment and most of all, to take things in life at a lighter note. Every single thing became a HUGE issue. Everything is HUGO and no more KIKI LALA. I don't wanna be like that. I don't wanna grow old with that tight ass attitude. To take everything in life so seriously that I forget to live a life filled with happiness and laughter. I wanna see this world from the eyes of a child more often and not from the eyes of a 70 year old grandma. Big girls are still daddy's little girls. The world is not always at a change. It doesn't change to adapt to you. You change to adapt to the world. But when you are so caught up to make changes for the world, you will lose yourself. Just like how I lost part of me.

So, I wrote a note to myself. I am going to kick of my new ones and put on my old ones. The comfortable old shoes that I have forgotten about. The "me" that I am searching for. The "me" that I have lost over the years. smelly but fun and loving. No, that doesnt mean I am literally smelly okie..I shower with my body shop shower gel daily! It's good not to be a kacang who forgets her shell. This is the shell that kept me happy for years, why did I throw it away? Well, not everything old is good. Some old leaf(s) still has to be turn over to new leaf(s) but some old shoes are never meant to forgotten. Its meant to be worn forever..for me, its my light hearted self...what about you? What has been forgotten?

Rainbow dreams

Do you have a dream so colourful and wild that you dare not dream of? Do you fear that your dreams will only remain dreams that will leave you longing for it and craving for it? It is called the rainbow dreams because it is a dream that is beautifully beyond comprehension, a dream so sureal that you know if you ever reach it, it is the so 'clichely' known as dream come true. I have not one but several rainbow dreams. Topping the list is of course, to be walking down in my cream vera wang gown for my garden wedding. It is a rainbow dream. It is what my heart truly wishes for and it has been a dream that is made out of 23 years of daring imagination and ambitious hopes.

The question is that remains is, will this rainbow dream ever come true? Or will it come too late that I will never see the sparkle of it anymore and by the time it comes true, it no longer holds the shades of the rainbow and it no longer hold that specialness in it. Do you ever wonder and ponder what it takes to chase your rainbow dreams? For my rainbow dream, do I know a special talent to have a garden wedding? Or do I need a pinch of luck through in and a thousand spoonfuls of prayer and faith?

Will my rainbow dream be complete with the pot of gold at the end of it? Will that pot of gold hold the treasure of my rainbow dream? That is the thing we all miss sometimes, dreams are not complete until you get the 'pot of gold' at the end of it. It is not just chasing the dreams, it is chasing what the dreams hold for you...it is chasing the unseen but known to be there 'pot of gold'. Hence it is not just any other dream, it is call the rainbow dream. It is only at the end of the rainbow you find your pot of gold.

It is only that if you allow the colours of life to capture your heart then you will truly yearn for that rainbow dream. I am tired of chasing my rainbow dream sometimes. I want it to come to me. I want it to be there just fingers away and not miles away. Well..hence it is call a dream. It is meant to be dreams away. It only happens when your eyes are shut and the world around you is the world you dream of and the world you can only create in deep slumber.

Are rainbow dreams ever meant to come true?