its another one day before the year ends. all throughout this year, so much has happen and without me thinking much, its now going to be over in a wink of an eye. The year itself feels like a blur. like i stepped outside my body and watch all those things and events going around me and yet unable to do at thing or two to stop the bad and the ugly from happening. Although I am blessed with a supportive group of people, I always have this tingling feeling that I am all alone inside. It really hurts to be playing tough, to have no proper shoulders to cry on and not to have that one person I can really rely on, for better or for worse. At the end of everything, I just want to go back to someone who will perpetually be there to rub my tired backs, massage my feet, envelope me in one big bear hug and tell me that everything will turn out alright because no matter what happens, I always have him. I am this point of my life that I really yearn to be taken care of.
But i know better. Everyone that has been there for me or could have been there has drifted, run their course of the race with me or are getting occupied with their own life crisis. As much as I am looking forward to next year as another new beginning and close the chapters from this year's book, I am also afraid. Will it be another 365 grueling days of battling it out on my own? What does it really feel like to have someone there to be with you when the going gets tough? Will I ever know how it feels like?
Its a fresh start for all of us next year. We hope that we will be able to get it right the next time round - try new opportunities, venture out into unchartered waters, try new adventures, make new friends and meet more people, have more fun and laugh like we have never laughed in years. I should be more impromptu next year. Fall in love without having to over-anaylse things or situation. Fall in love without thinking twice. Fall in love without worrying I might get hurt. Fall in love and Stay in love. Its still difficult even as the years go by. I still remember those smiles. those crazy eyes. those little details. those words. those frantic mumblings. those whispers. Maybe what they say is true, you never forget the first person you give your heart to.
But I guess screwing up is what makes love all abit mysterious. It's what makes the heart yearn for one more shot. It's what makes my life so colourful...it's the toughest decisions in life that we made no matter how painful it may be that makes each year count.
Next year, I vow to truly not be afraid to say it or show it..when I love someone. Since I am not fairly good at being alone, I vow to pray harder that next year, I will really go out and not be afraid to fall in love, not to be afraid if someone tells me he loves me and promise not to run a million miles when some good decent guy confess that he goes to bed with my picture at his bedside. I vow not to be so commitment phobic and I truly truly swear to try to give my heart away.
Here's a toast to a great 2010!
What's your resolution for 2010?
