If ever we say goodbye

I have enough statistical results to show that distance often kill relationships even the most romantic and loving ones. It is just too hard to keep something alive when you are miles away - out of sight, out of touch and out of mind.

It's like a garden. If you don't tend to it after a long time, the flowers will just wither and die and weeds will grow and kill your plants.

When I started hanging out with SM, he was an exercise freak. On most weekend evenings, he will go for his jog at this place and since yours truly here don't do running and sweating, he drops me at this nearby fruit juice stall to get high on natural sugar and hydrate myself silly. This hobby then slowly died off and it has been quite awhile since I visited said fruit juice stall. Yesterday, after a long time, he decided we should go there and get our shots of fruity goodness.

It's often at our little sit and sip sessions (sss) that I find my heart strings being strummed. It must be the sugar. They make my heart palpitate a little more, my pupils dilate, my knees wobble and my cheeks florid. I think that is why as a kid, my parents have allow only very small dosages of sugar into my bloodstream, otherwise I would be having fits all the time.

SM casually mentioned if I move away from the beautiful island or to a distance further than a radius of 40km from him, he thinks I will not be laughing as much anymore because cracking a joke over the phone will not have the same effect as telling it straight to my face.

I think what he meant was it will not be plausible to be mean to me and watch my face cringe with annoyance.

Alot has changed since we first started hanging out, except the being mean and horrible to Nie part did not go through an evolution. In between our talks and laughter, SM and I have learnt to fit into each other's comfort zone, so much so that sometimes he forgets I am a girl with very tender feelings and emotions. Although his mirthful words can be quite blunt and hurtful at times, I have learnt to temporize that issue. It is friends like SM that I appreciate most because he is not afraid to share his sincerest opinions with me. Tactful openness and honesty are traits I look for in people whom I let in my heart.

I cannot tell if our propinquity is a factor that has bonded us. I also have no idea will I still laugh as much as I do now when he is not around anymore. But I do know, if we do say our goodbyes, the scintilla of joy that he has brought to my life will dispers. As much as some people lights up our life, the certainty of that bright glow lasting is like a candle in the wind.

Long distance relationships do not work. What more friendships?! There is no commitment or promises to hold on to and it is just too much hardwork. SM also finds it silly to chat on the phone because he said he is not a shareholder in Maxis. So if I ever move across the ocean, he will just delete my number and forget me.

Being the busy person he is, the only time he ever has for me is after midnight, when he is lying in bed and cannot sleep! During the day and before midnight, he is busy running errands ; Busy clicking on his BB; Busy  replying his emails ; Busy yanking on the phone ; Busy living up to his lifestyle ; Busy gulp gulping ; Busy gobble gobbling ; Busy grumble grumbling.

I just fit in after 12, after all that busyness has settle down. In conclusion, I am the least of his priorities and worries. Because I am independent? Because I just am the filling to his void? Because I just so happen to be there? Because he finds solace in being mean to me? Because I allow him to run his busy life while I fall behind and everytime he turns around, he can be assured, I will always be there?

The veracity of reality is such that when someone leaves, they leave behind a gap in our heart that we want to fill. Be it physically and/or emotionally. Even if SM encounter difficulties to replace such a wondrous fabulous friend like me, he will go against the odds and find one homo sapien with a vagina and breast. So will I. Because we do not like emptiness.

We like to be filled up. We are like cars too. We cannot function on an empty tank. We cannot move forward without fuel. However, should it be really difficult to find our preferred "type of petrol", we can settle for any "type" as long as it fills us up and keeps us running.

Even if in the deep recesses of our hearts, we miss the people who are miles away from us, the distance often becomes a toll and over time, the emails stop coming, our ringing phone no longer bears your number, the conversations come to a halt, a replacement comes in one form or another and the gap in our hearts eventually closes up, albeit with visible cracks. This is what I sometimes call, the coping mechanism.

So, even if I leave, even if one day SM is no longer there to make me laugh, even if he no longer calls, even if the bridge is burn, and even if my heart aches so badly because I miss having him by my side, I must move on and cope with the lost. Just like how I have lost others through the oceans and the miles - SM will be another statistical number.

This is one of the reasons I am really grateful I keep this blog. Its gratifying to be able to trash my feelings out here when I can find no one to share it with.