2 years later

For a long time, I had in my head the words I wanted to say most if I saw him again. I have rehearsed those speeches in my nightmares so many times that I thought I could reel it off at the top of my mind if I ever bump into him. When it did happened, when he finally sum up enough courage to ask me out for coffee and chat, the ghost of our relationship has already found its resting peace and the disappointment that has been left unspoken of for 2 years is so prodigious that I honestly think, would never go away.

 

Nevertheless, it felt like a huge boulder stone has been lifted off my chest to be able to trash out my emotions proper after such a long time. The long silence served its purpose as  a.) space for us both to breathe, b.)healing turf for my pain and c.) an aperture for me to grow with grace and in maturity.

His apologies and contriteness were expected. His admittance of guilt of infidelity and of being a cheating jerk were anticipated. However, I did not augur that his idealogy of me as a person was bended and distorted to an extent. He expected me to club him to death. I would rather he stay alive and live to reflect and regret on his selfishness.

After being part of his life for half a decade, he knew so little of me, understood just a fraction of my character and never saw that I profess the emotional intelligence to cope with his lies and transgressions, until that day.

I am not perfect as a person. I admit that I have my imperfections. I had my fair share of ugly side and tantrums throwing in the relationship. I whined and I complaint. I had my dissatifactions and I did drive him up the wall crazy with the expectations I set up for us.

I was stubborn and silly. No matter what the odds were against us, I persisted to help pull us through the storm, even if it meant mending heartbreaks after heartbreaks. I refused to listen when others around me told me - that I could do better without him.  

His book of excuses has expanded indefinitely. He confessed that he still possess a filthy lot of excuses till today. Old habits die hard.

Although the wound has healed, the scars never stop reminding me that once, someone that I loved so dear betrayed me. By his own admittance, he ran away when the going gets tough. He abandoned ship and took the easy way out. I just wished his character build up was better. If I am able to turn back time to when he was a child, I would teach him never to cheat. on his exams. and on his girlfriend.

The things I said to him 2 years later were the same as the words I had 2 years ago. Maybe then I lacked the maturity to articulate it the way I could now but the message has never changed.

The DNA that very much make up who I am still has not changed. Its surprising that he said I make more sense to him now - now that he is willing to listen and more compassionate of a person. I failed to tell him, if only he was not screaming that much back then, he would have heard what my heart wanted to say and it would have saved me from having to pick up pieces of my broken heart.

My well of bitter ale has run dry. There are no more vestiges to hold on anymore. It is cathartic to come together as adults and make decent conversations after more than 750 days in silence. It is a relief to be able to see the wolf in the sheep disguise.

If I could change one thing back then, it would be complications he put us through. The very foundations of our relationship, trust, has been hammered through and through by him. He literally pulled out the bricks that constructed our relationship and when that's gone, what more had he or could he have expected?

I very much doubt that he will be able to capture the catastrophic effect he has rained upon me. He never will because I think he lacks the emotional intellect to understand that feelings are fragile and a human heart must be treated with care. He is not a fighter when it comes to love. He is a seeker. A seeker of an exit door and a seeker of excuses.

Everything happened for a reason. His departure made me the person I am today, more stoic, more independent and more liberated. He freed me from those deceptive rose coloured tinted glasses and now my visions are clearer. Others have been right, I am better without him.

It now make sense that those closest to me were able to tell that I was falling for Mr. Wrong when I could not. Its now laid out so clearly in front of me why he is a bad idea. Perhaps then, I was too young, too willing to believe that all I ever needed in a relationship was someone who made me laugh. Things have changed. I am now wiser by leaps and bounds now that life has played its little joke on me and my cynicism has just about eroded the last of my girlish hopes and dreams, imbuing me with a wary eye and an unfailing gut feeling.

Blame it on those damn rose-tinted glasses again, but when I was in the throes of a passionate relationship, it is easy to overlook the details, wave off his shortcomings, finding explanations and excuses. This fail relationship taught me something the hard way. Self respect, patience, never to disregard my gut feeling, courage and self confidence. This lesson came unexpected but it is always the hands on experience that makes an impression.