Snippets of thoughts

"Unconciously, perhaps, we treasure the power we have over people by their regard for our opinion of them, and we hate those upon whom we have no such influence. I suppose it is the bitterest wound to human pride."

I must not deny the Astronomist of his brilliance. He is shrewd and mean. A deadly combination especially when he does not like you. It took me this long to realise now, it would hurt my pride more than my feelings if one day, my thoughts and opinions no longer hold value in his eyes.

The less someone gives a shit about you, the more apt you are to try to please them. It will drive me nuts on an internal level if the Astronomist stop responding to my affections. Not that I have shower him with enormous amount of predilection but just enough to be liked. Humans are funny in that sense. We keep testing the waters to see if we can evoke some kind of reaction, and if we get it we are validated.

Often enough, validation is the sole goal, and once we've achieved it we quickly lose interest. This is what is called 'taking someone for granted.'

And the Astronomist knows it when he is being taken for granted. I lack the acumen to lap up on his love like a sad puppy and yet I want to take the moral highground, be nice and rain my affections on him.

It's pretty screwed up if you think about it. Rationally, we know that we should draw close to people who care about us as much, or more than we care about them. In practice, it's usually much different. We value those that don't give us our due.

That's why I failed to buy the Astronomist a Valentine gift and if I return his gift to me, I know it will crush his heart to a million pieces. I can't possibly be that greedy to keep his gift when my heart is already not in it for real.

I just do not know how to walk away eventhough my heart already has.