Whenever I think about Rusell Peters and his skit on dad and spanking, I am reminded of my own asian parents upbringing where one half (thank God) believes in the saying, "spare the rod, spoil the child".
My parents (or rather my mother only) is an old-school authoritarian and is a firm believer of what the experts like to call, conditional parenting. When I was younger I was made to believe, so frightened by her "threats" of rotan (canning), that if I am bad, mummy will not love me.
I grew up in a well balanced household with a pretty permissive daddy who is often blackmailed to give in to my whimps and fancies and a disciplinarian mummy who often dooled or withheld awards unless I behave according to her wishes. If I had driven her crazy with my naughty antics the night before, I will arrive in school the next morning with sightly red lines on my legs.
My parents (or rather my mother only) is an old-school authoritarian and is a firm believer of what the experts like to call, conditional parenting. When I was younger I was made to believe, so frightened by her "threats" of rotan (canning), that if I am bad, mummy will not love me.
I grew up in a well balanced household with a pretty permissive daddy who is often blackmailed to give in to my whimps and fancies and a disciplinarian mummy who often dooled or withheld awards unless I behave according to her wishes. If I had driven her crazy with my naughty antics the night before, I will arrive in school the next morning with sightly red lines on my legs.
Back then, children my age were never exposed to child abuse advertisements with a hotline number printed largely at the bottom of our tv screens so we can call the child abuse line if ever we find ourselves or our neighbours' children being abused.
Neither was my mother "uber-cool" like most american parents who discipline their young children by forcibly isolating them, a tactic we prefer to call “time out.” The only "time-out" I have gotten when I was a child was my parents allowing me to sit on supermarket floors and wail my heart out while they continue browsing through their shopping.
Neither was my mother "uber-cool" like most american parents who discipline their young children by forcibly isolating them, a tactic we prefer to call “time out.” The only "time-out" I have gotten when I was a child was my parents allowing me to sit on supermarket floors and wail my heart out while they continue browsing through their shopping.
Although I have yet to arrive at parenthood, I realised that one of the most powerful currencies of a child is parent's acceptance and approval. Till today, in most of my life's choices and decisions, I still seek both Home Ministers' seal of approval before I proceed to launch my next course of action.
I chanced upon an article recently and studies have shown that "..conditional parenting proved damaging. Those mothers who, as children, sensed that they were loved only when they lived up to their parents’ expectations now felt less worthy as adults."
I chanced upon an article recently and studies have shown that "..conditional parenting proved damaging. Those mothers who, as children, sensed that they were loved only when they lived up to their parents’ expectations now felt less worthy as adults."
I don't really know what does that mean in deep psychological sense but my years of education has helped me decipher that my mother's conditional parenting skills to reinforce my obedience could have actually caused me to suffer long-term psychological harm. If my mother reads this now, I am sure she will vehemently deny that her love for me is unconditional and her defence would be along the lines of "...of course I love you as my evil child without any strings attached." But according to studies, what counts is how things look from the perspective of the children — whether they feel just as loved when they mess up or fall short.
Eventhough my parents set up 101 rules for me that I couldn't understand back then (and some which I still have not understood), they helped me understand that rationality and sensibility are subjective. By not consistently appealing to mine interest helped equipped me with the strategies needed to contend with moments of tedium or instances when other’s interests supersede mine. Without strategies for tedium, I would most likely give up when a problem is too hard and I feels bored and frustrated. Thanks to dad, I have learnt that when I do not get what I want at the first instance, all I have to do is threaten to pack my bags and move out to the tent in my garden until they buy me or give me whatever I want at that time. Thanks to my no-nonsense and conditional loving mum, I also learnt that after sweltering under the tent for 2 hours, I will eventually get bored, tired, hungry and move back into the house - and to be greeted with the Cane, even worse off from where I have started. Sorry, I lack a conniving mind when I was 8.
Now, I have a greater respect for the sacrifices my parents made for me. And I don't mean material sacrifices. I mean the emotional ones of denying me a car when I was a teenager because they knew I liked to go out and more often than not over do it in libations. I hated them at the time but now it's different. Now I have a context for the past. Now I realize that they made tough choices and placed themselves in the roles of villains because they were guarding my well being and nurturing my potential.
As my parents' child, I am dependent on them to make the decisions when I am unwilling to or unprepared to. Sometimes, I will them to to be that bad cop for my own greater good. Even if I may resent them for some period for making my life miserable but in the long run, its always turn out sunshiney.
As my parents' child, I am dependent on them to make the decisions when I am unwilling to or unprepared to. Sometimes, I will them to to be that bad cop for my own greater good. Even if I may resent them for some period for making my life miserable but in the long run, its always turn out sunshiney.
I also believe the study conducted as according to that article could be flawed because:-
a.) its written by an ang mor and so what does he know about asian parenting?;
b.) how many asian specimens did they interview to come up with that results?;
c.) I grew up to be a well-rounded kid, albeit a little emo at times;
d.) Most asian kids who grew up without the coodling have achieved pretty awesome things themselves, like most of my peers; and
e.) my parents have seen the depths of my heart and they still love me the same, or in fact, even more.
So, thank you mum and dad for being such amazing parents. Now at my quarter life crisis year, I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Well, thanks to my parents for investing their life savings in a whole array of Enid Blyton and Brittania Encyclopedia, I did not become a stripper. I truly appreciate the sacrifices they have made for me just so I can grow up to be the lawyer I wanted to be since I was 10.
