Sometimes people do and say things without realising how much they have an impact on others and the lives of others. Sharing this planet with 6 billion people means someday we are bound to bump into some people who will light up our lives and another half who will inevitable crush our hearts, regardless of whether we like it or not. Though the saying goes that we are only responsible for our own happiness and it should not be dependent on others, I am of the opinion that our surrounding circumstances and the people whom we let in our lives do play a part in our pursuit of happiness. They are each, liken to a brick in the construction of a building.
Complicated situations and I don't go too well together. If at all possible, I try to avoid it at all costs. However more often than not, I always find myself being pulled into one, an object being caught in a turbulent moment of a spinning cyclone. This is supposed to be my year! But no, God has some other fantastic plans for me. When human plans, God laughs. He must be having the chuckle of this time up there. The loathsome thing about my pursuit of my happiness is that I am constantly nursing heartbreaks after heartbreaks. licking the wounds of my own and others. I longed to be completely ignorant in those moments when my I can hear the sickening sound of cracking hearts slice through the silence - to be completely sated by warms thoughts of happier times. It's like skiing on a thin slate of ice and watching it crack beneath you - in a torrent of a moment, you find yourself slipping underneath the ice and sinking into the icy waters. Now, I am disjointed in the agitated current.
As my heart shatters into a million pieces, showering me for a prolonged moment, as the shards of everything I once felt jingled on the ground around us and I find myself exposed to world so dark, so cold, so heartless and of such infinite magnitude and size. I do not know how to fix it as my eyes moist up. such hapless moments. I always try to make the best of every situation, I am that girl next door who looks for goodness in every corner, every situation and every person. I found your silver linning easily. You weren't the darkest in the flurry of cotton candy clouds. however my expectations of you were naive. you are just my transit stop, not my destination. at least, not for now. I am not that smiling face you expect at the arrival hall. I am merely another traveller in throngs of a thousands arriving at the terminal. Some are here to stay, some are here to visit and some are just stopping over. I fit in the last category. However, I realise, I fell in love when I shouldn't have. Yes, my whole world, my whole orbiting world consists of just a small, close revolution around my beating heart. I let my heart palpitate and beat hard against my ribcage at the thought of this man who makes me laugh. Lean back in my chair and laugh hard, for the first time in a very long time. I betrayed my rational - my wisedom that screams Nooo, Stop.
The greatest tool of feminity is trust. To be able to sit back and let the man in my life take the wheel, steer me around, drive at neckbreaking speed and trust, that I am in good hands, that I will be all right, no matter what. But you see, this was never about the issue of trust to begin with. This is about the cruelest irony in this twist of fate. You are that man I should never have fell in love with. You were meant to be foreign, but now you are familiar. You were suppose to be distant, but now dear. the more I tried to process the blurring lines, the more maddening it becomes.
Is our relationship bounded by just mere comfort and convenience? Am I just consoling my soul that soon all this will come to pass and my long delayed flight out of here will arrive soon? You will never feel the tears trickling down your arms because I am just too afraid to let it fall in front of you. I want your memory of me to be pure happiness and bliss, not stained by sadness. At the end, the vestiges of what we didn't have, what I couldn't have are just fleeting moments that I try to hang onto, desperately, before my head goes under the water. An unfulfilled love can be romantic in its own twisted way.
Now God, you can laugh.
