"You change your mind like a girl changes her clothes", I apprised him. Kelly Clarkson hit the right tune when she sang that song. He laughed. He laughed all the time but he admitted he is fickle, even a little scared maybe. We bicker and banter everytime he rings. He confessed that he miss those times when we will just lie in on saturdays just making conversations. Perhaps we found a kinship in each other during those times that we dearly desired in our lonely moments. We escape our daily routines in life by just listening to each other's thoughts, by sharing epiphanies and prattling about everything under the sun, sometimes losing track of time.
One day, while I was babbling about my favourite disney cartoon, he leaned over and stared into my eyes. Affixing those big brown eyes to mine. Peeping into the windows of my soul. searching for a hint or a sign that we were soul mates, he said.
I just think he can be quite intimidating sometimes. we may share the same demographic and speak the same language but there is something about him that I will never quite understand. maybe that explains why we are drifting apart. He is a difficult book to read. Too thick of a text to disgest.
I just think he can be quite intimidating sometimes. we may share the same demographic and speak the same language but there is something about him that I will never quite understand. maybe that explains why we are drifting apart. He is a difficult book to read. Too thick of a text to disgest.
It's not just the seas that are seperating us and he knows it. we both know it. He is just too afraid to say it out loud, as if, speaking it out will ruin the current state of our relationship. He doesn't quite like to stress test the foundation of our relationship. That's why he hardly ask about my state of affairs in particular, he said, "its the not knowing that will not kill us". Something that I am still unsure if I disagree. He has this canny ability to influence my thoughts and I am addicted to this, always scurrying back to him for his wisedom, his words, his thoughts, his humour and his indubitable character.
"Do you like my gift?", he queried. You cannot compensate the lost of quality time by gifting. Thank God for immaterialistic girls. "I do", I replied. I truly did. I cannot deny him that credit of knowing me so well.
"How're you?" He probed. "Not too good", I admitted. He need not ask further, he knows why. " I like what you did to your hair", he kindly offered. I laughed. And I heard him chuckled on the otherside. "I miss us", He finally admitted.
I don't think I could ever appreciate him enough.
I don't think I could ever appreciate him enough.
We never learn, do we? We are always repugnant towards those who loves us most, the ones who will give us their kidneys if we ever needed one. Until we lose them. I do not want to repeat my mistakes with him and the words "I do not know how to love you the way you love me" is becoming a banality. I cannot guarantee I will be the one he wants and I am not ready to lock it down full time. Settle down with one dime and spend the rest of my life with someone I still do not understand.
I do not know if I am a better person with him. He just makes it easier with him around. Like all things in life, this cannot stay perpetual. He is unwilling to sacrifice and I cannot love a man whom I cannot read. A litle mistery is fine. Too much makes me redraw. makes me feel incapable. frightened perhaps of venturing out with someone you hardly understand.
"Come to HongKong", that was the last he said before we ended the night with our goodbyes.
"Come to HongKong", that was the last he said before we ended the night with our goodbyes.
