Life has became a blur of mediocrity and chasing deadlines. I was driving home the other day and I felt a wave of sadness washed over me. That wave left a salty trail in my heart and stained my cheeks. Nobody's sees the heartache that I cannot bring words to describe. That deep sense of longing to be complete. Its been awhile now, I have noticed but denied, my eyes never twinkle like it used to, the laughter ring empty and the tears never stop coming. There is so much I have yet to say and still wanna say to him since that day at Tullamarine. So much mendacity I have yet to unearth and spill...prayers that have yet to be answered.
I tried too hard to make it all go away in a flash. I pressed on a speedy recovery as Munchkin said. I miss you more each day and at each passing silence, I wonder, where did I go wrong? The song, 'Home' by Michael Buble plays in my head on a rewind. The very song you sang to me when you were away from me. You sang that may be you are surrounded by a million people yet you still feel all alone and you just wanna come home because you miss me. You knew why I couldn't go along with you because it was not my dream but I always believe in you..and you know that, right till that day. The texts you sent me, the emails you wrote and the phone calls you made...I just wish it never stop.
Nothing has been right since. Nothing feels right. Its knowing there will be no ducky voice to console me over the phone at 2 in the morning when I am upset. Its losing the essence of you. The jokes you make, the silly things we fight about, the tickles, the kissing through the phone, the tantrums, the whole 5 years of memories - gone. We shared a life albeit far.
Question is, what made you give up? Why didn't you wait like you promise? The dreams we shared, why did you have to shatter them?
When did it all happen and I didn't know...until you were gone...
Why is it so hard to say goodbye to us and to you? Why did it get so complicated? Why the lies, the tears and the pain...you could've tried and kept to your words..no more lies, just no more.
You did not need a 2nd chance....all you need is an atonement that will never come..and all I need is a little more faith that the details in the fabric of our relationship will fade out
