Jokerbird my pet crow

I went through a chronic phase once whereby I simply enjoyed doing things alone. I meant it. Alone. Just me, myself and I. Three of us but still alone. You get my drift. It started somewhere around after the Christmas breaks in England and lasted for awhile when I returned home. So for slightly under 18 months, I enjoyed going to the malls by myself, eating on my own, cooking on my own, watching tv by myself, taking walks in the park alone, slurping chai tea latte in my favourite coffeehouse on my own and taking long bus rides all by myself.

How did I even fell into this vacumm of solitude?

Well, once upon a time, in a land far away where the temperatures were as cold as your freezer and the people spoke in a funny accent, I had a pet crow (named Jokerbird) whom I love with all my heart and soul. Life was brilliant then, I tell you. I chirped and sang to it on a daily basis. Yes, I chirped and sang for the crow of mine not vice versa. I fed it with the finest bird feed and let it drank from Avian bottled water. However, much to my horror of horrors, my pet crow eventually got sick and tired of me and died. The unexpected death of my pet crow was traumatic. I found it difficult to get through the days without the chirping and singing. It was such an agonising period and there was such a huge void in my life that could not be filled then. No one could take my sorrows away and in my depressing state, I slipped into desolation.

Now - wasn't that touching? No? You peoples are so hard to please. I tell story, not only you all did not applaud but also failed to appreciate the literary depth of such a heartwarming tale. But it is okie. I am a very forgiving person. I understand how some of you did not go to my University in the North East of England and would be unable to appreciate the magnitude and impact of the death of my pet crow in my life. My Uni had Gordon Sumner, a.k.a. Sting and Jonathan Ive, a.k.a father of the Ipod.  That is enough said.

Sorry, I burned all pictures of Jockerbird when it left me all alone in this big wide world to fend for myself. Otherwise I could have shown you how shinny its feathers were when it was still alive and useless.

Anyway I have broken out of my routine of living in loneliness. I found solace in lame jokes and lame people.

Ahh, It's Moanday again!

Weekend flew by so quickly and even before I could say, "Ahh, I lurveee weekends", its Moanday already.

I am a pretty emo kiddo when its the weekday. I don't know about you but I wish I had a bottomless Cayman Island account (Oh, I do!!) to support my lavish lifestyle of La Mer facials, Milk Spa, Honey Caramel Hair Treatement and carviar for every meal. So while I am waiting for my wish to be granted, I still have to drag myself to Planet Workplace every day save for the weekends and the days when I can hardly crawl out of bed. In case you are wondering how I manage to wake up daily, stay alive at Planet Workplace and go back to bed - I am telling you this - it is no easy feat - I kid you not. Through forced repetition, I eventually became pretty good. Thereby, over the years, I have learnt to embrace my Moanday Blues with grace and a less cranky attitude.

During my Uni days, I told myself that if I miss the Moanday morning classes, I will fail that subject, not graduate, not fulfill my childhood fantasy of suing people and be a disgrace to the family clan so much so that my parents will throw me out of the house and I will not be able to afford my closet of designer clothings when I am 25. Yes, so with much persecution and sacrifices, I found myself bleary eyed sitting at the front rows of most lectures on every Moanday mornings for five years - silently chanting in my head - this is for the greater good. Want to know what happen?

I am in my ne plus ultra, a member of a profession most parents dream for their child but unfortunately for me, I am almost 25 and I still can ill-afford a closet of designer clothings. All those hours of torture listening to the dronning of old clever people talk about law did not bring Hermes or Dior knocking at my door. I should have just stuck to my childhood dream (Suing people is a childhood fantasy)  and be a stripper. I am pretty sure I would be able to confirm my status as an avatar of fashion chic.

I have yet to wisen up. I still follow the rules. I still step on my accelerator when the light turns yellow because yellow means "nyeh nyeh, the light is changing red soon!" and I still come to work every Moanday, even when I least want to because I have yet to find someone to pay my bills, feed me and clothe me. I also don't think anyone has yet to come up with a technology to make my car run on water. I also have not managed to psycho my parents to buy me my VW Beetle. Threatening to camp outside in my garden does not seem to work anymore with them as they get older. My closet is still very much void of portentous fabrics. So many wishes unfulfilled.

I think I am in need of a long holiday. One that will see me spend my entire trust fund in an attempt to set my own record for most luxurious holiday ever abroad in a semi-comatose state. This is another wishful thinking. Like I said earlier, wishes take a long time to come true.

Truthfully, I have another wish. I wish my Moanday scenarios would involve the following :-

kissing hubby dearest in the morning, ushering him off to bring home the bacon, going back to lie in my 100 thread Count Egyptian Cotton Sheet bed, having the butler serve me English breakfast in bed, getting up and look pretty, hitting the gym to maintain my bootylicious figure, catching up with my other pompous girlfriends, going for Volcanic Ash Thai Spa,bathing in lavender scented milk, looking sexy and showering hubby dearest with hugs and kisses when he returns home with the Bacon. 

Ahh, Bliss!

Alright, enough wishful thinkings. Since it is Moanday and we all have alot to do before the sun sets, y'all better go back to starring at your computer screens and wishing that time will fly by faster - I bid you all adieu and have a lovely Moanday till my next whinning and screaming.

My heart cries

That feeling of being with you, of being so close to happiness have been ephemeral. I was so close to reaching that famous happy ending, almost believing that what we share is not pretend. I cannot go on dreaming for I know I am. Romantic dreams must die.

Slowly, your hands are slipping out of mine.

We have grown apart and the feeling is no longer the same. You are now that stranger again I am trying to get to know. for everything we once shared, it felt so real, so true, so maddening that I stopped trying to process it - I just relegated myself to just feeling what felt right. I hunger now for tactile confirmation, for sensory input that all I felt is not just my imagination.

I gave myself reasons why I should not be attracted to you. I tried so very hard. Yet, the subtle truth was undeniable. I was falling in love. heart first. I found the best of me in your eyes. You, the rare and unexpected friend.

we forged a closed relationship. there were no channels of communications; lest one should offend the other. it was a relationship predicated on false presumptions and inaccurate assumptions. we were restricted by our perpetual walks on tippy-toes and prolonged moments of fragility. these were the circumstances i found myself stuck with. trapped. like a bull in a chandelier shop.

Yet, I continue to cling on, desperately trying to console my soul. desperately trying to hush down the whimpers of my heart. Truth be told, if you lean close enough, you can hear the beatings of my trepidation.

no matter how hard we try to be different, we still end up living life according to platitudes. there's just too many of them out there. for instance, i'm now coveting what i don't have... but i'm not going to deny myself that feeling. i should not let you have me. you just would not appreciate it.

Humans - so hard to please

I have make it to the middle of a frenetic week. *pats on the back* I am anticipating re-runs of a week like this until my trial is completely over. Just yesterday, I spent the whole morning in Court yawning waiting for my case to be heard only to be told close to lunch time that it is postpone to the afternoon. Oh wells, the whole team took it to our stride,went for brunch and drinks next door, killed time and lugged ourselves back to Court again with full valour and excitement to fight our case - only to have it part heard and postpone to another date. This is the glamarous life I lead.

This whole 'lawyering' job sometimes saps up so much of my jovial happy fun self that I am worried, I will be turning to a grumpy-frumpy-old-wrinkled woman with a quarter-life-crisis (provided I am blessed to live a century, otherwise I am even more doomed) very soon. I just need a more balanced life. I need more people in my life. Working life can be a social suicide compared to the times when you were in college and living like a yuppie. There is only so much time and energy you have after a whole day at work. How am I going to find a rich and nice man to marry more balanced life?

At the start of the year, I told God (Yes, surprise surprise, I do pray) that if He puts more excitement in the things I do to be able to afford my expensive facials, a.k.a. makes me use more of my brains at work, I will think He is a crackerjack of a God and bug Him a wee bit less to send the right man my way. Anyway, God Answers Prayers. So my lawyering career picked up, my life got busier and everything became so hectic I don't even have time to oggle at guys at my favourite coffeehouse watch CSI. Hallelujah, Amen!

I am not very nifty when it comes to my prayers. I should have told Him - God, make me use my brains at work but don't overworked me, don't kill my social life and don't forget, I still want to use my uterus and find a man to inseminate my eggs.

Yes, so my life is a little off balanced because I asked for it. I craved to be thrown into the deep end of the pool and I took the stir stick and caused my own yeesang this pandemonium. *Why oh Why?!*

However I believe, in the grand scheme of things, the stars should eventually aligned and things should fall into place as I go along.*keeping my fingers and toes crossed*

Of course, deep down, I would want a more laid back life. Truth is, there are so many things I wish could have happened differently. But all in all, things happen for a reason. I try not to live life on "what ifs", I want to try new things, live out of my comfort zone, and yet be grounded in the right soil. In summation, even if I hit a maelstrom, I vow to hang on tight to my principles and not lose sense of myself.

So though life is not always rosy - SM doesn't always ring to make me laugh, I still have to work my tiny butt off at Planet Workplace and its been a year since I jetsetted to an exotic part of the world, I am satisfied with the decisions I have made. I would be telling the truth if I said the past months had been a sum of all the best decisions that I could have made for myself.

I am also satiated for now. Lucy Choo is back from the republic of kiasu-ism to entertain and amuse me. This is one woman who has seen me through thick and thin and everytime she returns on the jetplane, she never fails to bring me gifts. The benefits of having this woman as my bosom buddy. I love her for showering me with M & S cookies her hysterical laughters, for her encouragements, for her honesty and for being that person in my life I know I can fall back on no matter how far I have gone.

Baby, I am at the right place and at the right time - please convince me otherwise.

Weekly pyscho-babble

I am an inherently lazy writer. Correction. I am just inherently lazy. I don't see myself as a writer, just yet, because most of my jottings here are mostly mundane minutiae of my existence here on Earth and occasionally, little snippets of my thoughts. So if given the choice of curling under my duvet, stare up my ceiling and think of nothing or sitting down in front of my computer - I will choose the former.

I don't quite like to use my brain, especially on the weekends. If you want to look for me on the weekends, you can always find me sitting in front of the idiot box lazily flipping channels. Nothing will catch my attention and zilch registering in my head. To an extend, sometimes, my others peas from the same pod call me bimbotic.

Ever on a weekend, if you catch my out in one of those posh coffeehouse sipping my favourite Ice Chai Tea, its mainly because once in a blue moon, I have a need for others to validate my existence on this Earth and I come out to interact. I also find it easier to laugh my asian ass off with my learned friends when my brain is not working. *Breaks out to sing* - I can see clearly now the brain is gone.

However, as of late, I find myself starring on my lappie screen on ends, cracking my brains, occasionally typing like a crack-natic to meet my 101 deadlines. The only thing that seems to take my highly stress train of thoughts away is when SM steals me out for a few hours to crack me up. I also do not know how I can put up with the amount of nonsense he throws at me. He is like the English weather, unpredictable but something you will grow to love and be fond of. I find him simply hillarious on some days and on others, I just wish the Earth below him will open up and swallow him.

After pyscho-analysing myself, I have come to the conclude that I have very short attention span. It is a wonder I even make it through law school considering how I zone out every 20 minutes or so. Maybe then, my attention span was a tad longer than it is now. I took 3 days to complete this short post. Yes, you can only imagine. So while I have 101 deadlines to meet, I can only dedicate 20 minutes of attention to it before diverting to something else for a whole hour - no wonder it is taking me dinosaur years to complete my work. I seriously have to get a new brain. One that has a longer span of attention. Gasps!! This is one of my quarter -life crisis. Worrying about the longevity of my thoughts on things and people.

The weekend is coming again. I can't wait to stop using my brains...it feels good doesn't it, to think of nothing and nothing at all?

Men, if only you knew these

1. We are exciting and always evolving.

You know how you always cannot figure us out and can't freaking stand when we throw you a curveball? Well, a girl likes to surprise her man with a thrilling mix of exhilaration and anticipation by being adventurous, spontaneous and erratic, if I may say. If we are so predictable all the time, life with us will get so static and you will believe the myth that a relationship is meant to get humdrum after awhile. You need to be fascinated by each other, otherwise it won't last. So the next time, we come home with a stack of cookbooks and is so determine to bake that double chocolate mint cinnamon muffin, cheer on us and get all excited, will ya?

2. You are not our entire life.

As charming and dashing you are and as much as we love spending time with you, you are not our everything. We may think the world of you but you are NOT our world. We will be scary if we depended on you for our sense of fulfillment - trust me, you will feel suffocated. So the next time we don't ditch our girlfriends for you, don't whine. Be glad that we have seperate entities and be thankful we respect you enough to keep your own life - i.e. hang out with the boys, drown in beer and speak profanities.

3. Appreciate us.

Just like you, we lead busy a busy life and yet we try to find time to look pretty, smell nice and please you. Stop taking it for granted the little herculean effort we put in for you. Stop whinning when we forget to shave, stop moaning when we forget to put on your favourite song in the car, and stop thinking we were put on this Earth simply to serve you and you alone. Sometimes all we want is simple - for you to look us in the eyes and show us that you care, that despite the out of bed hair and the eye bags, we still look lovely to you.

4. You are important to us - that's why we get upset (sometimes)

If we do not give two rats ass about you, we would not be upset if you had too much to drink and will be driving home alone - nor will we be staying up late just to be rest assured you have gotten home safe. Do you feel our love or sense our tiny gestures of love when we bring you a treat after you tell us you aren't feeling well or compliments your brilliance after you finish a stressful work project or takes you out for ice cream after a long tiring day? Although we do not mother you or assist you in every little thing in your life, we are consistently doing small things, nurturing things to let you know we care.

5. We want you to be the best man you can be

We always want to help you reach your potential by actively supporting your goals, even pushing you a teensy bit so you can succeed in whatever you do, but we can only do that if you share with us your thoughts, talk to us and stop thinking that we are bimbotic creatures who only knows about Chanel and Gucci. If we encourage you to shape up, work harder, drink less, and take care of yourself better, we have your best interest in mind. This means also calling your bluff and not letting you get away with slacking off. Eventhough it may seem like tough love at times, we want to help you achieve and accomplish things. So, don't drown your liver with alcohol, get early rest and do not binge eat before you hit the sack at night.

6. We like to know we are special

At the end of it all, we just want to feel we stand in a special place in your heart and we are an exception. The exception. We should not have to tap dance to get your attention. If we could sit with you and oogle at girls, laugh with you when you do the sillest thing, pamper you when you are feeling low, give you a massage when you feel sore and share your bad and moody days without saying a word, we like to know you will do the same and shower us with some love. Flowers would be nice. Chocolates may do the trick. Hugs and kisses sums it all.




In Conclusion
No matter how beautiful or intelligent or quirky we may be, there is bound to be someone out there who is more beautiful, more intelligent, and more quirky. We do not ask for much, just a little love, a little attention, a little more tender care - all we really want is to laugh with you, cry with you, love you, care for you, and be the girl you keep and grow old with. Most of all, we want to be the one you hold and cherish through good times and bad times. We just want to be the exception.


p/s: In case you are waiting for me to say, Haha, Just kidding! April's fool - sorry, that ain't coming.