our first midautumn

Even when the leaves turn yellow and start falling, even when the nights get longer and the days are shorter, even when the temperature takes a dip and it gets colder, I know I have you to catch the falling leaves, to have and to hold during the nights, to laugh and chatter with during the days, and to cuddle under the covers during the cold nights, keeping each other warmth. Thank you for the lovely surprise. Happy Midautmn darling!

Just us

I have quite an obvious indifference on whether people likes me or not. I also think my Achilles' heel is probably my poignant intolerance towards humourless people lacking in intellect, emotion, empathy or character. The raison d'etre for my blatant sarcastic attitude is that - life is so short  and I shouldn't waste time with shallow idiots who make Paris Hilton sound like Mother Teresa.

I do need to work on how I relate to others. SM had a point when he said I needed to review my relationship skills. Look, I know I can sometimes shut down and give you that blank stare when my brain cells cannot make sense of the words that are coming out from you and I may have lapsed into the leagues of unintentional rudeness at times.

I have meet vastly different kind of people in my growing years (until I stop growing and became the small person I am today) and was exposed to a disapora of individual personalities. Now, I find myself to be more selective. refining the group of people I hang out with. or maybe the proper word is discerning.

Nick Hornby once said that it was no good pretending any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party. I think ours would. SM's idea of a great movie are characters who speak in a language that I can only understand if he translates them for me. Okay, I admit. There may be a slight communication breakdown. But I think I can relate to his record collections. Perhaps.


A small part of me tends to agree with this sentiment. The idea of being in a relationship with someone who shares my interests and similar perspective on life is warmly comforting. I tend to be very passionate about the things I love so there's a large part of me that wants to be with a man whom when I read a great book, hear an amazing song, watch a deeply moving film or discover a new restaurant, I can run up to him excitedly and yell, "Look what I found! This is US!" Then I suppose SM will just look up from my IPhone - take a 5 seconds pause - give me that sheepish you-are-just-so-cute polite smile and go back to killing whoever or whatever he is killing.

On the other hand, doesn't every couple start off by talking about all the things they have in common? And if the relationship doesn't last, don't you just end up thinking about all the ways you were so different? More importantly, isn't life much more interesting being with someone who not only has different interests but also brings a different perspective to life?

Although I think we get together with someone because they are similar with us in many aspects, share the same goals and visions and are interested in traipsing the journey together. I cannot emphasise it even more that my primary consideration of being with someone is because I can laugh with him.  I like to know after a long day at Planet workplace, I have someone to go back to and laugh about things, share a joke and lie in bed together giggling.

Perhaps the ideal goal of a relationship between two people isn't a merging of two individuals. On the contrary, maybe the healthiest long-term relationships accept that, even between the closest people, infinite distances exist and the key to happiness is to not only wholly love someone but also to be comfortable with the great expanse that inherently lies between you.


Honestly, I don't know what the future brings for me and I'll confess that there are times when this uncertainty makes me a tad nervous. Maybe then again, I just think damn too much.
 
Like Papa Walrus once said, I am too smart for my own good.

Men, if only you knew these

1. We are exciting and always evolving.

You know how you always cannot figure us out and can't freaking stand when we throw you a curveball? Well, a girl likes to surprise her man with a thrilling mix of exhilaration and anticipation by being adventurous, spontaneous and erratic, if I may say. If we are so predictable all the time, life with us will get so static and you will believe the myth that a relationship is meant to get humdrum after awhile. You need to be fascinated by each other, otherwise it won't last. So the next time, we come home with a stack of cookbooks and is so determine to bake that double chocolate mint cinnamon muffin, cheer on us and get all excited, will ya?

2. You are not our entire life.

As charming and dashing you are and as much as we love spending time with you, you are not our everything. We may think the world of you but you are NOT our world. We will be scary if we depended on you for our sense of fulfillment - trust me, you will feel suffocated. So the next time we don't ditch our girlfriends for you, don't whine. Be glad that we have seperate entities and be thankful we respect you enough to keep your own life - i.e. hang out with the boys, drown in beer and speak profanities.

3. Appreciate us.

Just like you, we lead busy a busy life and yet we try to find time to look pretty, smell nice and please you. Stop taking it for granted the little herculean effort we put in for you. Stop whinning when we forget to shave, stop moaning when we forget to put on your favourite song in the car, and stop thinking we were put on this Earth simply to serve you and you alone. Sometimes all we want is simple - for you to look us in the eyes and show us that you care, that despite the out of bed hair and the eye bags, we still look lovely to you.

4. You are important to us - that's why we get upset (sometimes)

If we do not give two rats ass about you, we would not be upset if you had too much to drink and will be driving home alone - nor will we be staying up late just to be rest assured you have gotten home safe. Do you feel our love or sense our tiny gestures of love when we bring you a treat after you tell us you aren't feeling well or compliments your brilliance after you finish a stressful work project or takes you out for ice cream after a long tiring day? Although we do not mother you or assist you in every little thing in your life, we are consistently doing small things, nurturing things to let you know we care.

5. We want you to be the best man you can be

We always want to help you reach your potential by actively supporting your goals, even pushing you a teensy bit so you can succeed in whatever you do, but we can only do that if you share with us your thoughts, talk to us and stop thinking that we are bimbotic creatures who only knows about Chanel and Gucci. If we encourage you to shape up, work harder, drink less, and take care of yourself better, we have your best interest in mind. This means also calling your bluff and not letting you get away with slacking off. Eventhough it may seem like tough love at times, we want to help you achieve and accomplish things. So, don't drown your liver with alcohol, get early rest and do not binge eat before you hit the sack at night.

6. We like to know we are special

At the end of it all, we just want to feel we stand in a special place in your heart and we are an exception. The exception. We should not have to tap dance to get your attention. If we could sit with you and oogle at girls, laugh with you when you do the sillest thing, pamper you when you are feeling low, give you a massage when you feel sore and share your bad and moody days without saying a word, we like to know you will do the same and shower us with some love. Flowers would be nice. Chocolates may do the trick. Hugs and kisses sums it all.




In Conclusion
No matter how beautiful or intelligent or quirky we may be, there is bound to be someone out there who is more beautiful, more intelligent, and more quirky. We do not ask for much, just a little love, a little attention, a little more tender care - all we really want is to laugh with you, cry with you, love you, care for you, and be the girl you keep and grow old with. Most of all, we want to be the one you hold and cherish through good times and bad times. We just want to be the exception.


p/s: In case you are waiting for me to say, Haha, Just kidding! April's fool - sorry, that ain't coming.

Truce

I am not a scientist. I do not know the optimum temperature for fertilisation nor am any wiser on the effect of subzero weather conditions on the production of milk from the mammary glands. However I share your quiet understanding that I want to hear pitter patters of tiny feet and mutual confidence that the nursery should be filled with teddies, booties and happiness.

So I am staying loyal to you through this frigidity. I believe love is a friendship that has caught fire. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses. Yours drive me crazy but I am too noble to be angry at you for so long.

Somewhere beneath my sense of fun, my bravado and my independent exterior, I have a marshmellow for a heart. Soft and squeashy. But life is not a movie. and nothing is as easy as "making eye contact—tentatively at first, then a pact—before ripping off each other's clothes and declaring undying love…"

It's the way you make me smile and wanting more of you. Wanting may be the worst feeling of all, next to hope. But hope is the worst. Hope is the moment before peeing on the negative stick. Hope is the moment before they tell you they can’t find a heartbeat. Hope is a setup, a bait and switch, an illusion.

Perhaps these are the most frightening parts of our relationship, when I turn to you, I see the best of me in you and realised I am not complete without you. Just like Lauryn is not complete without Zara and Jayden without Alexander. 

Now, shall we kiss and make up?

I don't know how

The only times that I really felt there was something between us is when you hold me close in your arms and caress my hair. I don't know how you keep breaking my heart and I cannot understand why I keep letting you do so. I thought I had all sweet memories of us packed up in the recesses of my mind. I have talked myself straight to believe that we are nothing more than just what we are now and will be.

It has been 6 months of laughing with you since we last sat in Winter Warmers sipping that nasty Lavender Milk Tea while watching girls walked by and taking in the hypes of conversations surrounding us. since then, you have held me close when it hurts, catch my tears when my heart aches, and make it all better when it feels so bad. You have made it so easy to live with you, so much harder to know that our time together is short, ticking like a clock.

My library of memories of you keep stocking up. Every chance I have to snuggle close to you, I breathe in the scent of you, the air that has your name written on it and when you put your lips on mine, I tremble. I just know, it will hurt even more, losing someone as dear as you. It will take more than 2 blinks to blink of those tears and it will take more than just distance for me to forget us.

Believe 11:2

I once wrote;

If anything, leaving an old relationship, and severing ties with my past life have taught me to believe in humanity even more. How so you may ask? Simple. We are all kindred souls, each and every one of our lives echo each other’s experiences – beauty, love, faith, wretchedness, spite, and loneliness. I have, in so many short months learned that each and every one of us lives with memories – connections to the past and cages from the future. Everyone around you lives with something deep in their lives that they are trying to get over. In short, everyone is trying to cope. There are no princes or princesses because there are no perfect people. Everyone has lost and everyone remembers. Those hurdles, be they bumps, hills, or mountains, are owned by and real to the person who faces them. It’s hard being a believer all the time and it takes far more courage even still to be a believer knowing that there is nothing left to believe in.

Keep believing.

The opposite of Love

"You change your mind like a girl changes her clothes", I apprised him. Kelly Clarkson hit the right tune when she sang that song. He laughed. He laughed all the time but he admitted he is fickle, even a little scared maybe. We bicker and banter everytime he rings. He confessed that he miss those times when we will just lie in on saturdays just making conversations. Perhaps we found a kinship in each other during those times that we dearly desired in our lonely moments. We escape our daily routines in life by just listening to each other's thoughts, by sharing epiphanies and prattling about everything under the sun, sometimes losing track of time.

One day, while I was babbling about my favourite disney cartoon, he leaned over and stared into my eyes. Affixing those big brown eyes to mine. Peeping into the windows of my soul. searching for a hint or a sign that we were soul mates, he said.


I just think he can be quite intimidating sometimes. we may share the same demographic and speak the same language but there is something about him that I will never quite understand. maybe that explains why we are drifting apart. He is a difficult book to read. Too thick of a text to disgest.

It's not just the seas that are seperating us and he knows it. we both know it. He is just too afraid to say it out loud, as if, speaking it out will ruin the current state of our relationship. He doesn't quite like to stress test the foundation of our relationship. That's why he hardly ask about my state of affairs in particular, he said, "its the not knowing that will not kill us". Something that I am still unsure if I disagree. He has this canny ability to influence my thoughts and I am addicted to this, always scurrying back to him for his wisedom, his words, his thoughts, his humour and his indubitable character.

"Do you like my gift?", he queried. You cannot compensate the lost of quality time by gifting. Thank God for immaterialistic girls. "I do", I replied. I truly did. I cannot deny him that credit of knowing me so well.

"How're you?" He probed. "Not too good", I admitted. He need not ask further, he knows why. " I like what you did to your hair", he kindly offered. I laughed. And I heard him chuckled on the otherside. "I miss us", He finally admitted.


I don't think I could ever appreciate him enough.

We never learn, do we? We are always repugnant towards those who loves us most, the ones who will give us their kidneys if we ever needed one. Until we lose them. I do not want to repeat my mistakes with him and the words "I do not know how to love you the way you love me" is becoming a banality. I cannot guarantee I will be the one he wants and I am not ready to lock it down full time. Settle down with one dime and spend the rest of my life with someone I still do not understand.

I do not know if I am a better person with him. He just makes it easier with him around. Like all things in life, this cannot stay perpetual. He is unwilling to sacrifice and I cannot love a man whom I cannot read. A litle mistery is fine. Too much makes me redraw. makes me feel incapable. frightened perhaps of venturing out with someone you hardly understand.


"Come to HongKong", that was the last he said before we ended the night with our goodbyes.

Eternal sunshine for the broken heart

Sometimes people do and say things without realising how much they have an impact on others and the lives of others. Sharing this planet with 6 billion people means someday we are bound to bump into some people who will light up our lives and another half who will inevitable crush our hearts, regardless of whether we like it or not. Though the saying goes that we are only responsible for our own happiness and it should not be dependent on others, I am of the opinion that our surrounding circumstances and the people whom we let in our lives do play a part in our pursuit of happiness. They are each, liken to a brick in the construction of a building.

Complicated situations and I don't go too well together. If at all possible, I try to avoid it at all costs. However more often than not, I always find myself being pulled into one, an object being caught in a turbulent moment of a spinning cyclone. This is supposed to be my year! But no, God has some other fantastic plans for me. When human plans, God laughs. He must be having the chuckle of this time up there. The loathsome thing about my pursuit of my happiness is that I am constantly nursing heartbreaks after heartbreaks. licking the wounds of my own and others. I longed to be completely ignorant in those moments when my I can hear the sickening sound of cracking hearts slice through the silence - to be completely sated by warms thoughts of happier times. It's like skiing on a thin slate of ice and watching it crack beneath you - in a torrent of a moment, you find yourself slipping underneath the ice and sinking into the icy waters. Now, I am disjointed in the agitated current.

As my heart shatters into a million pieces, showering me for a prolonged moment, as the shards of everything I once felt jingled on the ground around us and I find myself exposed to world so dark, so cold, so heartless and of such infinite magnitude and size. I do not know how to fix it as my eyes moist up. such hapless moments. I always try to make the best of every situation, I am that girl next door who looks for goodness in every corner, every situation and every person. I found your silver linning easily. You weren't the darkest in the flurry of cotton candy clouds. however my expectations of you were naive. you are just my transit stop, not my destination. at least, not for now. I am not that smiling face you expect at the arrival hall. I am merely another traveller in throngs of a thousands arriving at the terminal. Some are here to stay, some are here to visit and some are just stopping over. I fit in the last category. However, I realise, I fell in love when I shouldn't have. Yes, my whole world, my whole orbiting world consists of just a small, close revolution around my beating heart. I let my heart palpitate and beat hard against my ribcage at the thought of this man who makes me laugh. Lean back in my chair and laugh hard, for the first time in a very long time. I betrayed my rational - my wisedom that screams Nooo, Stop.

The greatest tool of feminity is trust. To be able to sit back and let the man in my life take the wheel, steer me around, drive at neckbreaking speed and trust, that I am in good hands, that I will be all right, no matter what. But you see, this was never about the issue of trust to begin with. This is about the cruelest irony in this twist of fate. You are that man I should never have fell in love with. You were meant to be foreign, but now you are familiar. You were suppose to be distant, but now dear. the more I tried to process the blurring lines, the more maddening it becomes.

Is our relationship bounded by just mere comfort and convenience? Am I just consoling my soul that soon all this will come to pass and my long delayed flight out of here will arrive soon? You will never feel the tears trickling down your arms because I am just too afraid to let it fall in front of you. I want your memory of me to be pure happiness and bliss, not stained by sadness. At the end, the vestiges of what we didn't have, what I couldn't have are just fleeting moments that I try to hang onto, desperately, before my head goes under the water. An unfulfilled love can be romantic in its own twisted way.

Now God, you can laugh.

my heart is whimpering

it sucks when you have a bad day and you have to sit through it at work when all you want to do is go home, curl in bed and cry your heart out. At the end of the day, you are not even sure if you have someone's shoulders to borrow, you are not even sure if anyone would be there to wipe those tears and most of all, if that one person you are crying for, even knows how you are feeling. All you really know is that love hurts. It stings the heart when its unrequited but it warms the heart when its felt.

To the New Year Baby!

its another one day before the year ends. all throughout this year, so much has happen and without me thinking much, its now going to be over in a wink of an eye. The year itself feels like a blur. like i stepped outside my body and watch all those things and events going around me and yet unable to do at thing or two to stop the bad and the ugly from happening. Although I am blessed with a supportive group of people, I always have this tingling feeling that I am all alone inside. It really hurts to be playing tough, to have no proper shoulders to cry on and not to have that one person I can really rely on, for better or for worse. At the end of everything, I just want to go back to someone who will perpetually be there to rub my tired backs, massage my feet, envelope me in one big bear hug and tell me that everything will turn out alright because no matter what happens, I always have him. I am this point of my life that I really yearn to be taken care of.

But i know better. Everyone that has been there for me or could have been there has drifted, run their course of the race with me or are getting occupied with their own life crisis. As much as I am looking forward to next year as another new beginning and close the chapters from this year's book, I am also afraid. Will it be another 365 grueling days of battling it out on my own? What does it really feel like to have someone there to be with you when the going gets tough? Will I ever know how it feels like?

Its a fresh start for all of us next year. We hope that we will be able to get it right the next time round - try new opportunities, venture out into unchartered waters, try new adventures, make new friends and meet more people, have more fun and laugh like we have never laughed in years. I should be more impromptu next year. Fall in love without having to over-anaylse things or situation. Fall in love without thinking twice. Fall in love without worrying I might get hurt. Fall in love and Stay in love. Its still difficult even as the years go by. I still remember those smiles. those crazy eyes. those little details. those words. those frantic mumblings. those whispers. Maybe what they say is true, you never forget the first person you give your heart to.

But I guess screwing up is what makes love all abit mysterious. It's what makes the heart yearn for one more shot. It's what makes my life so colourful...it's the toughest decisions in life that we made no matter how painful it may be that makes each year count.

Next year, I vow to truly not be afraid to say it or show it..when I love someone. Since I am not fairly good at being alone, I vow to pray harder that next year, I will really go out and not be afraid to fall in love, not to be afraid if someone tells me he loves me and promise not to run a million miles when some good decent guy confess that he goes to bed with my picture at his bedside. I vow not to be so commitment phobic and I truly truly swear to try to give my heart away.

Here's a toast to a great 2010!

What's your resolution for 2010?

What Ifs

In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with … and the one that got away.


Who is the one that got away? I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose.


I believe in the fact that ending with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.


How often have you gone through it without realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.


Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And it’ll make sense, it really will.


So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you’re single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter.


All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.


You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?” That’s what the one that got away is. The biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.

If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already with the one you’re with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her every so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been,” but it happens.


Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing. But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different. What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple … find him, find her. Because the very existence of a “the one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got this one?


Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be “the one that got away” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.”


You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”


>>>> Do your best always. Think twice or probably a lot of time before deciding in doing things. It's not healthy having regrets and "WHAT IF's" in our lives. Be happy and always give your best shot in things that you really want to do... have a HAPPY LIFE and HEALTHY HEART always. meaning HEAL - THY - HEART!!

Sometimes Love just ain't enough

Dear You,

Now, I don't want to lose you

but I don't want to use you

just to have somebody by my side.

And I don't want to hate you,

I don't want to take you,

but I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.

But like a fool I keep losing my place

and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,

and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.

There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.

Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you

I don't want to blame you.

Baby, you don't have to take the fall.

Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.

Maybe I just want to have it all.

it makes a sound like thunder

it makes me feel like rain.

And like a fool who will never see the truth,

I keep thinking something's gonna change.

And there's no way home

when it's late at night and you're all alone.

Are there things that you wanted to say?

And do you feel me beside you in your bed,

there beside you, where I used to lay?

Love, Yin

In loving memory of Mama Walrus

The power of Communication - part 1

Without needing to debate further, all would agree, love just ain't enough to hold a relationship together. The glue or rather the secret to a healthy relationship is Condom, Cash, Communication! As men are martians and woman are venusians, no matter how compatible or perfect we may be for each other, we are still two different species. We will tend to disagree, come into disagreement, banter, bicker, beat each other up and nag one another till one of our ear's bleed.

Women always find that the men they are dating do not care about them, do not have time for them, do not seem to understand them (which translate to mean, when you asked her what she wants to eat, she answers whatever and you order Chicken Cordon Blue instead of her whatever version of Marina Platter), ill-treats them, do not shower them enough love (which translate to mean, "my friend's sister's bf gave her a Prada for her birthday and you only gave me a Tiffany Bracelet! you don't love me!"), do not care enough for them or do not have a brain. Why don't you friggin' buy a brain??!! she yells from across the room and throws the hairdryer at you.

Woman also always find that the sweet and funny man they fell in love with has changed, transform to megatron  OR evolved to a different species after dating for a couple of years. During courtship, the guy would climb every mountain, swim every ocean and go through heaven and hell just to impress the girl. They would be so romantic and write poems that put Shakespeare to shame. After having gotten the girl, all that romance seems to be so surreal. That man in shining armour is just a chimera. The spider has lurred the fly to its web. If you say, "darling, why you don't text me so often anymore?" he will say, "you think i've shares in maxis/digi/celcom/whichever telco company isit? you think i don't need to work ah..everyday text you, text you!" So you see, THAT'S WHY IT WILL NEVER WORK OUT.

Communication is vital to live harmoniously but it has to be communicated in the right way.  Two has to be engaging in a conversation, a speaker and a listener, for there to be a communication. One person doing all the talking, the nagging, the screaming and the whinning while another trying not to hurl back abuses at you is not a dialogue. You may call that a monologue if you like. I would call that a communication breakdown. If you do not tell me how you feel, I would not know. If you do not tell me what you like for dinner, I could only guess. If you do not spend so much time playing computer games, then maybe, you will take notice that I just trimmed 2cms of my hair. If husbands would spend more talking to their wives, less affairs would take place. Just like men cannot read women's mind, we women do not have a crystal ball to consult about what is going through yours either.

Dear Males, we females do not demand alot. Just a fraction of your time and your affection. Of course we may disagree, quarrel and fight each other to death but what seperates all these arguments from those that make us grow closer and those that break up couples is how we overcome our differences together. Its that willingness to make that phone call or type that text or even write that email after we have cool down and calm down. When we are ready to talk like rational adults, we should take that chance to reconcile, compromise, kiss and make up. The way we relate and see pass the differences. The little opportunities to get to know each other better, to learn about each other and to reflect on our actions, our words and our thoughts. It is how we communicate our feelings, our fears, our dreams, our joys and our sorrows. It may not be just words, it can be an action, a gift, a helping hand, a hug, Tiffany, Prada, Manilo Blahniks, and a whole other goodies.

Not everday can be like Club Med. It's the tough times that test the waters. It's the first hug after a cold war that warms the heart. It's nothing more than communication...

The Gift

Last year, I wanted a Magical Christmas. As I spent the countdown to Christmas in London, where the weather was turning to a freezing temperature and the days were shorter, my heart was glowing with the feeling of warmth and giddiness. There was a huge Christmas Tree that benefits Trafalgar Sqaure every Christmas as a gift from Norway, Regent Street and Oxford Street was literally a flooded with participants of the national sport during this season, a.k.a.Shopping, and what is Christmas without the stunning twinkling myriad of lights that adorn the Streets of London, painting London town with a vibrancy of light and colour during the bleak winter.

Christmas is a time of beauty from the inside out. For a brief period, we seem to give ourselves permission to let go of all the little stressors that constraint us, and we open our hearts to love, to giving and receiving. It is a time when hearts are filled with joy, and minds are filled with caring thoughts much more than at any other time. It is a time we regale in our childhood dreams and believe that Santa comes riding in his sleigh drawn by reindeers from Lapland with presents for the children who have been so good for the year. I think Santa is a desolated man who often overstuff himself with leftover turkeys and rapsberrys sauce from Christmasses before, growing so fat, that every year when he makes his Seasonal round to deliver presents, he gets stuck in Chimneys. Or rather, no one wrote to Santa to inform him that frontdoors were invented to welcome people into your house. Then again, not everyone welcomes santa into their house. Especially if you have been a bad kid.

I wonder if Santa really hears me and know that I have been real good this year. If Santa needed a model child, I would have been that child. I pledge my Organs to the needy (e.g.gave my kidney to Royal Mail), Donated to the needy (e.g.made a small contribution to my Disneyland Fund) and shared my love with the needy (e.g. generously bought myself a pair of shoes every month). This Christmas, I do not want Prada, I do not want Goldiva, nor do I want a spanking holiday. I know what exactly I want this year, Santa. Send me someone to love in a big red bow. That special someone who will stand under the misletoe and snog me crazy. Just kidding. Send me a cause to give. Give me a reason to believe that with all the schmaltzy Christmas specials on, Christmas isn't just about the frantic tearing a multi-coloured expensive wrappers just to discover we have gotten what we asked for this year. Rather I want to give away a gift from my heart, a little gift that is called Forgiveness.

To me, Christmas is a time for giving, a season to share and a reason to gather with family and friends to drink free champagne celebrate the birth of Christ. And even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, odds are that someone you love does. Bear with me while I put on my holy cloak and preach. Christmas is the greatest celebration of the year because everything is on sale, the message of Christmas is all encompassing. It's the season of giving because God on the first day, gave His only Son, Christ to us, as our saviour. Giving, keep in mind, is love in action. Christmas however, represents giving the infinite. To put others before us and to give something that is beyond our mind to grasp that our earthly nature can never comprehend or understand.

This gift of Forgiveness will not burn a hole in my pocket but rather something money cannot buy. Coming from the bottomest sincerest pit of my heart, I want my gift to be felt. This Christmas, I am giving away a fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. I think no matter how far off the pedestal the character fell, it always deserve a 2nd chance. I am opening my heart to love, opening my eyes to the colours and opening my arms to forgive.

This year, is there someone you would very much like to say, I forgive you? Forgiveness is a funny thing, it cools the sting and warms the heart.

So Long, farewell!

All my favourite people in the world are scattered around the globe. The Earth is make more spacious with them all over at a distance. These people make the latitudes and the longtitudes. Even with today's modern technology of msn,twitter and facebook, nothing beats having them around to sit and laugh over with while having tea and scones. Why can't I get all the people together in the world that I really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.

Everytime I find myself at airports, bus terminals, and train stations sending someone away or leaving someone I hold dear in my heart, I can hear my soul whimpering, begging me to make it all alright so that it will not hurt that bad. At the hour of seperation only then I discover the depths of my affection for another, at the minute of saying goodbye only then I know its too late. The best things, the sweetest words, the warmest hugs and the saddest tears come last. It's been a year now since I have left, it's been 12 months of venturing alone in the wilderness and 365 days of wandering without my beacon of light, those words that came rushing out of your heart as we lingered, clinging desperately to the last hour - it still resonates in my me. I am paying the pangs of absence, this much I can bear, only this much I have and I pray that my debt is no more for I cannot go on with this burden. Sweet is the memory of you, my distant friends, like the mellow rays of the departing sun, it falls tenderly, yet sadly on the heart.

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

Absence does what the wind does to love. It diminish the weak and increases the great. As the wind extinguish the candles and fans a fire.

When will my next hello be?

Easternly love on Western Shores

I live in the East and he lives in the West. And we both knew it is more than just the time difference, the distance and the work. Our problem, this problem, was that we couldn't figure out where our feelings lie. How far we are willing to go for each other and how much our hearts can be tested. We cannot imagine our future together. Too many obstacles, too much trouble and a reluctance in our souls. We still loved each other but there was a politeness and formality in our dealings that broke my heart. And we just couldn't see how this thing between us was ever going to work out. Or rather, we choose to remain myopic. We have chosen the easy way out.

"Let's just see how it goes, okie?" I said.

So we just see how it goes. each passing day, nothing changes and yet nothing remains. Just another man and woman in this world. But it seemed like the saddest thing in this world, this feeling that what we have right now was not good enough to stay and not bad enough for any of us to leave. If only one of us has a dark secret to tell. An exit sign. I try very hard trying doors to get out of this chaos. I wanted him to reveal something so painful, so tearing that it will push me away and settle the dust once and forever.

Once again, I am living in denial. Afraid to make a decision, fearful to reject and too fragile to nurse a breaking heart.

More than words

Is silence nothing more than just words not ready to be spoken?

When mum probe me last month about the special guy in my life, I said nothing. I gave her a quizzical frown and a nonchalant shrug. When my date asked me last week if I was keen to go out with him on a serious basis, I laughed it off and starred busily into my honey lemon drink. When the astronmist asked me if I love him after all this time, I didn't say anything. I have learn to avoid committing an answer to questions I wasn't ready for. I have practiced how to stare busily into my honey lemon drinks. I have worked on my shrugs and my sheepish smiles. I have mastered the art to answer questions posed to me with silence. If you want me to stop talking, just ask me an awkward question or ask me anything that I am not ready to answer.


All this time, I fight the urge to say those 3 words. There is no one way to say it or not to say it. I had to give myself reasons not to love you. I had to tell myself that you are so insignificant in my life that the statistical odds of me feeling even a tinge of wanting to tell you that I love you was a permutation that was immunerable. that the chances of it was minute. for the first time, i found myself giving reasons why i should not be attracted, why i shouldn't be drawn to you. yet, the subtle truth was undeniable. despite the rationales, no matter the reasons, the whole was greater than the sum of its parts.


because they say, "the opposite of love is not hate. its indifference". so i tell myself i don't care enough. I do not have the apathy to love. I denied myself the emotions of being human. Truth be told, I never found the courage to fall in love. I was afraid that I will lose you. I fear to tell you this, to let you discover that deep down inside, you mean so much to me that if you leave, my ideals of perfection will disperse. My heart will crack. how do you explain to someone you love that you can't say you love them because if you did, you're not sure what it means and what you'd be giving? That you aren't even sure what your own words are worth?


There were those moments when you would stare into my eyes. trying to peep into my soul. for those were the moments that drove good men mad. good, rational men. for these moments confounded rationality, distorting and contorting the bounds of reason until only carnal instincts remained. my mind could not escape the inherent ironies and dichotomy of your existence. you were foreign, yet familiar. distant, yet dear.


still, the in-opportunity of our timing further reflected the cruelest irony in this twist of fate. for everything in that moment blurred the lines between the rational and the irrational, the palpable and the impalpable, the physical and the meta, the black and white, the right and wrong. the more i tried to process it, the more maddening it became.


yet, despite all of the scrutinizing, the processing, the confusion, i could not help but admit how right it all felt. so i have relegated myself to just that. feeling. and i have decided to commit myself to doing whatever just feels right.


and so, my dear, you must forgive me for my inability to articulate  my feelings for you. to string my feelings into words, for words alone cannot do justice to how i feel for you. Silence is my way of saying, somethings, some feelings, some people are more than words can describe.

I onced felt

I proselytized woozy love feelings. The guy who gives me the most butterflies in my stomach which in turn affects my pulse is the one I will fall head over heels with - falling so hard and fast - enough to give me a concusion. However, over the course of the relationship, I will develop a fear of losing this guy. I learnt my lesson the painful way - Butterflies is another word for fear. This fear can manifest and it is germane to crushing your self esteem. I put a moratorium to such tumultous wozzy relationships. However—after a ho-hum date of two with men who are accoladed for being a staunch practitioner of the karma sutra dependable and unambigous with no killer sense of humour, I break my moratorium strategy. So even if I broke up with him, even if he was a total jerk —there is still a soft spot in your heart. I have a marshmellow for a heart. You remember the good times, and — hey — it's not THAT fun being single. Often, we end up taking back people who have hurt us in the past or who just didn't work out. Not sure how often this works out, but doesn't it seem like we would be able to say "no"?

Believing this time, he or she is "The One": I'm so guilty of this one — I get a number, I meet a boy, he gives me that butterflies in the depths of my gastronomic intestines and I feel like there is some kind of magical cloud hanging over me. I'm still available, so obviously I have been way off with these predictions. I mistakenly believe I've met "The One" about two times a year. You'd think that I'd learn not to get so ahead of myself at "Hello."

The Bane of getting back to the guy who gives me belly-dwelling winged insects.

1. Getting lied to repeatedly: Isn't it terrible when someone stays in a relationship while they are being lied to? It seems like everyone on the outside knows what's going on, but that person in the relationship believes everything to the point of blindness. In a perfect world, we'd learn from one lie, but often we think that lies are isolated incidents when in fact we could be getting lied to repeatedly. We also often think, that forgiveness clears the fog, reset the past and wipe it all clean. This is what happens when we view a relationship through rose tinted glasses.
2. Staying with someone wrong for you (a.k.a. "I can change him/her"): Why do we stay with people when they are jerks, and why do we keep thinking we can change people? It's much better to be alone than to be dating a jerk. Why can't we apply that common sense? because when we are in love we don't use common sense. we keep waiting for that lightning bolt.
3. Mistaking physical intimacy for emotional intimacy: When we are in the heat of the moment, emotional closeness gets all intertwined with physical closeness. Sometimes we feel that if we get close physically, it will eventually lead to a close emotional connection. I can say I have never gotten into anything special that was sparked by a physical connection and, believe me, I've tried. The deeper relationships grow out of a gradual emotional connection. Nevertheless, sometimes we think if we have sex, then something might come of it. We are just shortchanging ourselves. putting our self worth at question.

Emotional pain is much more complicated than physical pain or a mistake at work that you learn from and never repeat. I guess Pat Benatar was right when she sang "Love Is a Battlefield," but it's a shame that we must go through pain and make multiple mistakes to get to where we want to be in the dating world. Humans naturally want to trust and love. We want to believe that the good in everyone will prevail, and it's devastating to come to grips with the fact that you may have misjudged someone. This is why we are prone to repeat emotional mistakes.We are left to choose between withdrawing from dating, or going through the mistakes until you find The One, because it's almost impossible to know for sure that something will not be an emotional mistake until after it's too late.

Sometimes, I think, it is not about the butterflies. Not about the humour. the romance nor the hoarse sexy voice. I am beginning to see more clearly now that the rain is gone, all I want is to feel....secure.

Nie speaks

Talk to me

You speak with me

Don’t sink before you rise baby

Don’t fade away
You hesitate

You seem to wait

For all the time we had

Feels like a world away

Who’s to say, we’ll be ok

We will make it through the night

Don’t wanna wake up in this state

I just want us both to smile
Cause we’re the same

And I know that we’ll never change

Look I bought your favourite ice cream

I don’t wanna see it melt away
If you walk out now

I don’t know if we’re gonna be the same

Baby just talk with me

Cause I want you to stay here with me
The memories

The things we did

I locked inside my heart

Where I know I won’t forget
And now, who’s to say, we’ll be ok

We will make it through the night

Don’t wanna wake up in this state

I just want us both to smile
Cause we’re the same

And I know that we’ll never change

look I bought your favorite ice cream

I don’t want to see it melts away
If you walk out now

I don’t know if we could be the same

Baby just talk with me

Cause I want you to stay here with me
I want you to stay here with me