Gentle Reminders

Have a Great Week Ahead Boys and Girls!

p/s: thank you John!

The Gift

Last year, I wanted a Magical Christmas. As I spent the countdown to Christmas in London, where the weather was turning to a freezing temperature and the days were shorter, my heart was glowing with the feeling of warmth and giddiness. There was a huge Christmas Tree that benefits Trafalgar Sqaure every Christmas as a gift from Norway, Regent Street and Oxford Street was literally a flooded with participants of the national sport during this season, a.k.a.Shopping, and what is Christmas without the stunning twinkling myriad of lights that adorn the Streets of London, painting London town with a vibrancy of light and colour during the bleak winter.

Christmas is a time of beauty from the inside out. For a brief period, we seem to give ourselves permission to let go of all the little stressors that constraint us, and we open our hearts to love, to giving and receiving. It is a time when hearts are filled with joy, and minds are filled with caring thoughts much more than at any other time. It is a time we regale in our childhood dreams and believe that Santa comes riding in his sleigh drawn by reindeers from Lapland with presents for the children who have been so good for the year. I think Santa is a desolated man who often overstuff himself with leftover turkeys and rapsberrys sauce from Christmasses before, growing so fat, that every year when he makes his Seasonal round to deliver presents, he gets stuck in Chimneys. Or rather, no one wrote to Santa to inform him that frontdoors were invented to welcome people into your house. Then again, not everyone welcomes santa into their house. Especially if you have been a bad kid.

I wonder if Santa really hears me and know that I have been real good this year. If Santa needed a model child, I would have been that child. I pledge my Organs to the needy (e.g.gave my kidney to Royal Mail), Donated to the needy (e.g.made a small contribution to my Disneyland Fund) and shared my love with the needy (e.g. generously bought myself a pair of shoes every month). This Christmas, I do not want Prada, I do not want Goldiva, nor do I want a spanking holiday. I know what exactly I want this year, Santa. Send me someone to love in a big red bow. That special someone who will stand under the misletoe and snog me crazy. Just kidding. Send me a cause to give. Give me a reason to believe that with all the schmaltzy Christmas specials on, Christmas isn't just about the frantic tearing a multi-coloured expensive wrappers just to discover we have gotten what we asked for this year. Rather I want to give away a gift from my heart, a little gift that is called Forgiveness.

To me, Christmas is a time for giving, a season to share and a reason to gather with family and friends to drink free champagne celebrate the birth of Christ. And even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, odds are that someone you love does. Bear with me while I put on my holy cloak and preach. Christmas is the greatest celebration of the year because everything is on sale, the message of Christmas is all encompassing. It's the season of giving because God on the first day, gave His only Son, Christ to us, as our saviour. Giving, keep in mind, is love in action. Christmas however, represents giving the infinite. To put others before us and to give something that is beyond our mind to grasp that our earthly nature can never comprehend or understand.

This gift of Forgiveness will not burn a hole in my pocket but rather something money cannot buy. Coming from the bottomest sincerest pit of my heart, I want my gift to be felt. This Christmas, I am giving away a fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. I think no matter how far off the pedestal the character fell, it always deserve a 2nd chance. I am opening my heart to love, opening my eyes to the colours and opening my arms to forgive.

This year, is there someone you would very much like to say, I forgive you? Forgiveness is a funny thing, it cools the sting and warms the heart.

Blessings

If  I am ever to count my blessings, the list will be long. I  must say, I am highly blessed. Just one week ago, I was on the brink of adding up the numbers of unemployed graduates in the country. On a limbo and with no where to go, my forehead creased with worry lines, my soft still voice told me to Be still, my parents told me to make sure I pack up everything at my firm and not leave anything behind, my friends told me to be happy and enjoy the break, my humor told me to laugh along with my current state of unemployment and my faith told me to Trust in Him. My prayers were along the line of, "God, bless me with a job soon otherwise make sure my husband to be floors the pedals of his metallic Beemer and arrive at my doorsteps soon, Amen!"

2 days later, the Lord of all the Earth caught my falling tears of joy - my worry was like a flower quickly withering and a vapor in the wind. No, Prince Charming did not arrive with the Harry Winston nor the bouquet of stargazer lilies. I have been offered a job as an associate in one of the biggest firms in the country. What have I done to deserve this brilliant offer? *grins* Though I would think Prince Charming would have been better as he would have save me from all the stress of working  but oh Well....I need to learn to be contented with life's little blessings. I am also patting myself on the back by taking what's left from 2009 and making the most of it. This step, this first baby step of leaving my old job and finding a new one, is something I never would have dreamt of 6 months ago. Might be a fleeting thought but one that was just playing in my mind until now.

I am now getting down to writting a list of things to buy with my next pay cheque.

Moaning Moanday

How can something feels so right and yet be wrong?

Countless times I have rejected the astronomist's opinion about things in life. I wanted to do things my way. Write my own story, route my own map and choose my own path. Once I have decided on it...no one can stop me, even God doesn't stop me, who is the astronomist to stop me..I felt. I have made a few mistakes of my own. tried to be the author of my own fate and ended up all heart broken. Walk a lonely path that was ridden with poison ivy and stung myself on the nettles, regretting a few choices. Matthew wrote, "Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial". He who sits on the Throne sees everything, allows everything but respecting my decisions in life does not necessarily mean he accepts my decisions.

I have a tendency to hum in my head. Whenever I am in a Parlimentary debate with the gang, I hum Amazing Grace to remind myself that God's Grace is soooo amazing that there is nothing in this world that He cannot overcome. When I was asked to advise Bob (whom I have yet to scribble about...coming to the post near you!) on his falling out of love situation, I hummed South Park famous theme song in my head and go on to preach the love gospel to him. He rang a few times asking for ways to cure his insomnia (as I was then in his eyes a love doctor) and I sent him to roll in a field of lavenders.

Everytime I sent him away, I felt something nudge me inside. A tugging at my heart. A slight contrition. So I rang him back one day and told him, 'Let conscience be your guide. As long as your conscience is grounded in God's word, all sleepless nights will turn to be dreamy nights.' Having failed to develop, protect, and live by a conscience grounded in God's Word, I have seen Bob, and even myself end up spiritually shipwrecked. If God's word says something is wrong, it's wrong; no matter how right it feels! So for Bob, it was wrong to commit adultery and yet he did it because it feel right, because he has fallen out of love with his Jamie Oliver and it certainly felt alright to seek love in someone else. For me, God's narrow path is not ideal for my fast and furious Tokyo Drift.

When the ultimate arbiter of your choices and actions is 'feelings,' the winds of temptation, compromise and comfort will sweep you off course and you will end up in shipwrecked. When we want to do our own thing and go our own way, we tend to justify it by saying, 'If it feels so right how can it be wrong?'. Picture this: a fine sea-going vessel lies shattered on the rocks because it got off course.

How often do we make premature calls on our own based on our feelings that it is the right thing to do? Don't we feel guilty and yet we still go to God to INFORM Him of our decisions? If we all had held on to faith and a good conscience - a conscience grounded in God's Word, there will be less lifeline calls. Someone once told me, love, hope and faith is the captain of all ships that can help you brace the storms and rough seas. Lose one and you may end up shipwrecked.

A fairytale wedding - Mark & Sarah Cross

This is how a wedding should be. A fairytale wedding celebrated with your closest friends and family and people who simply love the pair of you together filled with abundant joy and love. Throw in the laughters and giggles and you know that - dreams do come true. Just have a little faith. Pictures are worth a thousand words.

A simple wish

"Race you to the Gate. Loser buys dinner!" I yelled against the blowing wind in my face and sped of, pedalling as hard as I could, huffing and puffing. "Loser buys breakfast, lunch and dinner!" the Date screamed back. In lightning speed, he shot beside me with a grin plastered on his face and pedalled furiously ahead. I tried to pedal faster but my legs refuse to cooperate with my will power and the sight of the Date's butt was distracting mine concentration. It was ineluctable that victory would be on his side. He was bigger, stronger, and close to being the next Lance Armstrong whereas I was petite and far from qualified to compete in any Tour DE France. I reached the Gate glowering at the Date who flashed me his oscar award winning smile and was standing pridefully at the Gate, waiting for the petite tortoise to arrive. I was flustered and a sore loser. Being the magnanimous person he is, the Date ameliorated my loss with an ice-cream treat. We both sat licking our ice cream cones while watching the picturesque sunset at the horizon. The sky was painted with shades of orange and crimson, the giant glow of the sun setting behind some hills and fluffy cotton clouds were forming shapes around it.

A date could be a walk in the park or even a cycling race. It doesn't have to be dinner served with candlelight for romance to fuel. My ideal romance would be a moon in the sky lighting up my walk with that one person along the beach but the little outings, such as last week's cycling race with the Date has adumbrated how small things count, how childhood activities still excites and how much I have missed out as an adult. How I have forgotten that not everything ideal is perfect and not everything perfect is ideal.

So often I look for that extra something in a date be it, the one who makes me laugh the most, the one who with the most wit, or even the one with the nicest teeth that I overlook the one special thing in that person. He who brings out the best in me. He who gives no room for louche or sly behaviours. That one person who was determined to put the cares of the world behind him and do what he loved best -- enjoying an evening of anecdote and badinage with the girl who lights up his world. Maybe by saying this, I am being paradoxically because the statement goes deeper than the superficial attitudes or physicals of a person but rather to the core of his character and upbringing. Its asking for more. Like PEPSI - ask for more. Not just the fizzy taste of a carbonated drink or the sugar high from a can of soda. Its that exquisiteness that sets PEPSI apart from Coke...that dash of lemon twist perhaps?

The Date would be like that dash of lemon twist. He makes me ask for more of his companionship, more of his ebullient character and more of his attention. Like a craving that is insatiable and an addiction that keeps you high. The circumstances that kismet throws me in may not be my ideal romantic notion nor may it be perfect. I dare not hope for anything more than a good time when out with him for I believe "Hope" wraps you in a frolly of make believes and it can be inconvenient. Hope is paradoxical. It can be painful. It can search my heart and motives to the very bottom. I don't ask for hope, and often I don't actually want it. What I really want is for the desire to go away, or be granted.

I do well to remember that romantic love cannot be bought, even with the coin of deserving or longing for that love. Ultimately, romance is a mystery. Even Solomon, with all his wisdom, included it in his list of things that were "too wonderful" for him to fully comprehend.

With The Date, I have stopped trying to catch that love bug. Stop trying to comprehend the complexity of situations. He has taught me to seize the moment. carpe diem. seize the moment with his genuine longing for a whale of fun. sometimes, you just have to keep things simple. Make a simple wish. He may be just one of the gazillion stars in the sky, but his honesty and simplicity shines through my heart for me to want to make a wish upon.

Here's to more titillating dates.

I am waiting for the Bus

Hope only comes when you have faith and love united as one. When one is missing from the equation, hope will not conjure from the air and be sprinkled upon you. Life is like a marathon. There will be mountains to climb and valley to descend. There will be tricky bumps along the way, showers of rain and blows of gutsy wind. How many times do we fall from our walk and we end up crawling like an ant in those times of weariness and depression? As torrid as it may sound, brace yourself and equip yourself with this knowledge - all of us, without knowing it are actually "bubble wrap" with His love.

Wherever we go, Christ goes and wherever Christ goes, we go. When crossing oceans, He promised to give us wings to fly and soar above the storm. When falling behind the race, He promises to run alongside us till we pick up. When the walk becomes a crawl, He promises to help us up to walk again. Nevertheless, before all these help comes, one must learn to wait. Waiting on the Lord is like enduring the wait for the long journey home.

When the right bus comes, you hop on it and there you are - set on reaching your destiny. Someone once said, what do you do when you discover that you are on the wrong bus? You alight and take the right one? Well, one thing for sure, when you wait at the bus stop, you do not just hop on any bus that comes along. You must have :-
1.)waited and spotted the right one
2.)flagged it down or stood right in front of it and pray that it doesn't knock you down
3.)hopped on it and let the driver yelled at you for trying to put a dent in his bus
4.)found a seat and settle down - secure in the knowledge that this is the ride to your destiny.

So why is there a sudden thought that you have gotten on the wrong one? Was the journey longer than expected? Have then just been too many bumpy rides that make you want to strangle the driver? Well, being on the bus and waiting to arrive at your destination is like waiting on God. There are days you will have thoughts that you are on the wrong bus. There are days you just wished you could kill the driver and there are days, you just wish you had not gotten on the bus. There are also days when you are squash by sweaty hairy people. There may not be anything interesting along the bus ride but it is important to you, to God and to others who depend on you that you stay on the bus and wait. Waiting on the Lord is the secret of keeping going when you feel like quitting.

It makes a difference when you quiet your heart and learn to enjoy the ride. It makes a difference when you do not give into the whisper of the enemy to kill the driver. It also makes a difference if you brazen yourself to ask for a vomit bag when the journey becomes bumpy. Instead of getting sick of the long ride, you will be capturing the amazing things along the way. Have faith that the bus you chose to hop will bring you to your destination. Learn to fall in love with the little stops that the ride brings you to and with these two in toll, you can conjure hope that this journey will have a rainbow end.

Do I need a man

A man or a koala?

Come this Friday, I will be a year older, a year wiser and a year closer to my quarter life crisis - given that I am blessed with a life span of 100 years. With a bright future ahead, a fabulous budding career, lovely family and a pet dog, and fiercely loyal and wickedly funny friends, I know I am way luckier than some and should be thanking my lucky stars. But as my biological clock ticks at an alarming pace, I am getting anxious by each ticking about the one thing that is missing from my otherwise peachy life - a decent man to call my own.

If it's not too much to ask the universe, I want a husband — not a boyfriend, not a lover, not even a glorious psychedelic one-night fling — but a wedding band and the Vera Wang gown of my dreams. Can my future happiness await on fate? What about lesson number one that I have read all about : If you can't learn from your past, how can you expect to move forward?

Just how far am I prepared to go to fulfill the legacy of knight in shinning armour. My mass laundry list for what befits a gallant knight who will win my love. Prince charming are a dying breed. They also no longer come in handsome white stallions but now ride in shinny metallic BMWs.

Last night after I shared my fears of having to spend eternity alone with the astronomist, he neighed so loudly on the other side of the phone I almost fell of my bed. He felt my rational sometimes was in such incongruity to my intelligence and is beginning to doubt the validity of my law degree. How can an elite educated girl like me be disquietude over finding an eligible bachelor and trying to control something as abstruse as fate, he asked. Its like playing God, he added. It's lucid at this stage of life to get fervent over when your life partner is going to arrive...is he just late or is he never arriving, I retaliated.

His reply was simply, enjoy life now, single or attach - there are always rays of sunlight to catch even in the darkest part of the wood, like your lavender fields. His honest voice lent credence to my modern riff that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

At this moment, I hear wedding bells chiming and church Organs playing. I am treading the fuzzy lines and enjoying the honey in the milk (honey being joy and happiness and milk being life's essential), self-interest, self-preservation, contentment and passion, I am honestly aching to look at love as the sum of our choices as opposed to finding the right one. We choose the one our soul fits with and the one our soul colour matches. Not by a big bang kaboom of stars aligning but rather by careful selection. Like groceries shopping. The food that satisfy our taste buds, the washing liquid that is most fragant to our senses and the toilet rolls which are softest to our skin.

The astronomist begs to differ. He said, "at life's big fork, we either turn left or turn right. In finding love, you cannot be clouded by notions of old romantic relationship and there is no right or left to take. You hardly use your common sense. You wait. For that big lightning bolt. We leave our ideology of love to ambuigity and compromise and when that someone finally comes along, love her as your chosen one and love the one you are with." I could fell the heat on my cheeks as I blush pridefully. I am his chosen oneeeeee...ahhh..

Its no denial that I do not fully subscribe to the astronomist's school of thoughts. However, more often than not, he is right. His astounding philosophical view of life and love are the very reasons why he is that man who holds me in a special place in his heart. I don't need a man, I just need an astronomist who will read the Northern Stars and lead me straight to his warm embrace and to the one I choose to love.

p/s: thank you, A , for loving me amongst my silly agonies.

Into His loving Arms

I was palavering with John (not the baptist) 2 nights ago about his life abroad. He told me how his first few months was the toughest for him and that eventually he started to adjust to fit himself in the circumstances that God has brought him to. Just like me, John is no stranger to living abroad having studied in England before but he still had his struggles, his moments and his trials.

When I first arrived in England , I struggled to understand the native English speakers, brace the harsh winters, wait for the public transport, and the whole enchilada of living on my own. I was out of my comfort zone and it was ferreting out the incognito Britain, all by myself. Sure, we had our group of friends but we were still on constant search for home in our English house. We frantically grapple to adjust to the howling winds and sub-zero temperatures, the funny English accent and above all else, the loneliness of living abroad. We go back to a house, not a home. An empty place, an empty house, a hole inside my heart. A place where we temporary reside for our year (s) there. Even with our close-knit of friends and arrangement of weekly get together, in our hearts, in the depths of our emotions, we miss the familiarity of smiling faces, jokes, conversations, a heart-to-heart talk, family, friends and the aroma of our favourite dish. No matter how great the recipe is, the taste is never just right. No matter how heated the place is, the warmth is missing.

We are so caught up in the expectations and the whirlwind of life around us that we forget to really look at the conditions of our heart. If you want to see something in your life that you have not seen before, you have to do something that you have never done before. For me, that was living all by myself. Getting things all done by myself and waking up alone in my house, cooking in an empty place and eating in front of the tv..all alone. My heart cried out silently every moment I felt alone. I never felt so empty and for once I saw how blessed I was back home. It is alone when we are away, when we lose something that we learn how to appreciate it. It is also at that moment that we try, to find in every nook and cranny and in every way possible, to get it back, be it a person, a thing, a feeling or even God.

Its like my Prawn Mee affair. I always had Prawn Mee at my beck and call everytime I felt like eating it. I took it for granted because I know it was always there. Just a 15 mins drive away or even a phone call away. So I neglected my Prawn Mee for more glorious food. Marinated duck in tangerine sauce, Creme Brulee, Puddings, Shepherd's Pie...not just food, but heavenly food. Until I went to England of course. I was craving for Prawn Mee 2 weeks upon arrival on English land. Like a insatiable craving where I would imagine having Prawn Mee in the midst of my meals and I would lie in bed praying for God to send someone to set up a Prawn Mee stall. China Town has never heard of Prawn Mee and I searched...far and wide...No prawn mee to my despair. Mark and Spencers did an excellent job of emptying my bank account monthly with their M & S food but it could...it can NEVER replace my love for Prawn Mee.

It make sense. What we have, we take for granted. Just like God's grace and God's goodness, we neglect it and sometimes, we abuse it. He gives us the freedom to make choices because the love He has for us, was not forced on us but given to us abundantly. An Agape Love. He ask for us nothing in return but yet, look at the depths of our hearts. the mustard seed of faith that we cannot even plant in Him and we dare pray for rewards double the size of that seed.

When thrown in the wild, when in tribulations and trials..we need to seek for Him and not moan of why He puts us in that position. Seek His kingdom first and all shall be given. In the dark, search for that light. In loneliness, seek for His companionship. In despair, seek for His comfort. In confusion, seek for His wisdom.

John taught me something that night in our chatroom. Sometimes God throw us a little further from our comfort zone so we can learn to come back to Him. To know that all the fast and ferocity of the world can never replace His love for you.

Come back to His loving Arms.

Just a little bit of faith

Time will tell and time will heal. Time and time again, I make the same mistake of believing that saying, time will tell and time will heal. Time does neither. Things just has its way of revealing itself. the dark doesn't stay hidden forever. Wounds doesn't heal in time. Pain doesn't lessen. We merely adjusted to the elements of pain , accustomed ourselves to the prickling sensations and slowly, grew numb towards it. Our defence mechanism tricks us to believe the things that is easiest to cope with, the lies that soothe our conscience and our ignorance that hides the truth.

This goes to show that I really never found the courage to stop loving him. I was too afraid that one day I will wake up and forget how he once look like, how his smile lights up and how his voice sounds like. Truth be told, I never had to forget. He came back. I feel so dumb wit, so paralysed whenever I hear that voice again, inevitably, I fall into a comatose state and allow him a way back into my heart. I told myself it's alright to love two person at once. What's most important is that I am committed to the one who loves me back now. The one. There is something about being in a relationship that freaks me out. I don't trust enough. I am scared when I am too much in love and find myself losing my head and my heels over a person.

It takes courage to be honest. It takes a noble person to tell the truth with love. The former which I lack and the latter which he doesn't have. Its a recipe for a looming affair. Add a bit of passion and bang! there will be bedsheets rustling in no time. I sometimes wish I can stop singing the tunes of my heart. This ennui is encompassing all aspects of my life. I can't work efficiently. I can't think logically and I can't function NORMALLY. To feel was to want, and to want was to hope, and to hope was to be disappointed or to disappoint.

"don't you remember what he did?" The astronomist ask.

I sobbed gently. my breaking point. Once again, I have no morality when it comes to love. No pride to uphold. while others gave up and disappeared in time, I learn to bury my sorrows in the depths of my heart, behind all the lushness of life. A dark area in the forest where no one will visit and no one will have to discover my secret buried. I look back and see a trial of unfulfilled dreams, pieces of a broken heart, disappointment and misjudgments.

Initially, I was going well in his streak of silence, voraciously determined to flung all memories of us all into the deep blue sea. And so I did. But I could never fully commit myself into believing there it was over, for good. cracks in my resolve began to appear at any sight or reminders of "us". There was something missing. Something that always held me back and stop me dead in my tracks.

Lack of faith

I lack the faith to believe that this all one day will come to a pass. That one day I will wake up to find someone who truly loves me for who am I by my bedside. Without faith, this mourning has no end. with faith, I can press on to heal, and although adversity may strike, my objective is clear, never to look back. It is faith that sees me through the darkest valley's of this journey. Faith lifts my up and let me soar above the clouds. Irrefutable faith. Irresistable wanton of propelling forwards.

I am the only thing standing in between of time and pain. I am standing in middle between battle and faith. when faith should be the one in the middle.

I just needed to find the courage to erase his texts, block his calls and hit the delete button on him. I finally did.

Not just another pretty face

When Mr.lyricist wrote the song 'Beautiful Soul' sang by the ever so gorgeous Jesse McCartney, I am sure he wasn't thinking of Jesse's pretty face. Singing the song word for word, ( I used to mumble the lines I don't know and sing out loud the only line I knew from the song - "I want you and your beautiful soul") dawned upon me that Mr.lyricst must be sick of dating just girls whose beauty is just skin deep. Ugly goes deep down to the bone. I am so glad I am beautiful inside out. I have eyes that glow like fireflies, eyelashes that flutters sexily, teeth that deserves to be on adverts for toothpaste, skin that oils up so much you can probably fry an egg with it and most of all, a heart that melts easily.

When God wrote my love story, He must have thought, 'Oh well, I am going to pull her legs and bless her with the unexpected'. I felt like Belle in Beauty and the Beast. It has been awhile I had stop caring whether or not the boy who cheated on me got his comeuppance. I just wanted to move on. And move on did i. It was truly a breakthrough for me. From wondering for months in the dessert, I was emerging out of the oasis of revenge is power to the promised land of God is in control of everything. Somewhere along the journey, I met pretty face. He struck me as just another pretty face. another guy in my life I would most probably forget 2 months down the line. Somewhere in between of our little laughs, our small talks, our tennis sessions, our taunting of each other - I fell in love. There's something sweet and almost kind. But he was mean and now he's dear. I wonder why I didn't see it there before. I had to slap myself back to reality on a few occasions when I caught myself behaving like a lovestruck teenager. Laughing like a hyena at his jokes. Acting weebit like a maniac on crack when around him. Blushing, sweating, heart thumping - all signs of a heart attack. and I am only so young. 20 to be exact.

New and bit alarming. Who would ever thought that this could be? True, there's no prince charming. But there's something in him that i simply didn't see. He joins the leagues of close male compatriots who gets my jokes and embrace my silliness. The only thing that sets him apart from the rest is that my heart palpitates everytime I see him or talk to him and my heart seems to skip a beat of disappointment everytime I don't. The question that now remains is that - how do we keep the passion going when I am 2 oceans apart? Does absence makes the heart grow fonder or does it make the heart wander. Absence does to love what the wind does to a fire. It keeps the strong burning stronger and extinguishes the weak. What are we then since I barely....hardly know Pretty face. His name stops at two syllabus. His first name and his surname. He probably has a middle name, a last name, another english name and a whole lots of other names. but I only know two. Pretty general ain't it?

Being apart for awhile gives me space and fresh air to fill my lovestruck brains. It enables me to be more rational. It provides me with the time I need to think through what I seek from pretty face. A week apart from Pretty face left me with this in my head. I miss him more than I thought I would. I try to cram him in my tight schedule so I could 'bum' into him online or rather much to my amusement, also allowed him to 'stalk' me online. I am such a tactless person when it comes to falling in love. i often go headlog without thinking much of the repercussions of a head injury or shall I say, 'heart injury'. I am most afraid after what I was put through the last few months, to put myself out there and be vulnerable to another heart break. What if pretty face doesn't feel the same? What if I am just travelling on this highway of love all by myself? one way traffic perhaps? All the what if(s) and open possibilities to be hurt. I refuse to set myself up for disappointment. I just simply lack the courage and strength in me..even if God granted - I have a heart that its still on loan. I cannot afford to lose it and not get it back again.

I do know what I want from Pretty face. Don't take my heart and leave me in misery.

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

I don't wanna waste your time
Do you see things the way I do
I just wanna know if you feel it too
There is nothing left to hide

I can't possibly say the other parts of this song fits into my mind. Cause' I am not desperate enough to sing, "Baby do you think you could want me too!". So Lord, hear my prayer. I am leaving this feeling of gushy mushiness at the cross. You decide. You play the cards for me. You write my love story for me.

I am afterall, just a sunflower

They say God won't give you more than you can handle, but I've got a question: Why would God let you suffer in the first place?

They also say you get over your grieft, but you don't really, not ever. It comes back sometimes. My recovery plan is not foolproof exactly. This is one of the reasons I never try to rob a bank, as tempting as it is. simply because I know I lack precision in concocting a flawless plan - im a bad planner. horrible at organising. terrible at running a choreography. i am bound to stuff up. get caught. thrown into jail. and have my very nicely done orthodontic teeth fall out. something i cannot live with.

I am not as tough as i try to portray. beneath the twinkling eyes, the sheepish smile, the cracklines - is a heart that melts easily. a heart that is squeeshy, soft like a marshmellow. this is why i know right from the start i have little hope at becoming a family lawyer. lack the strength to live through my own trauma what more the melotrauma of others. it will be too heart wrenching. too much drama to take. too many litres of tears to collect.

I used to make bargains with myself. I'd say I can handle the problem, as long as - fill in the blanks here. as long as i can grow. as long as i am not dead. as long as i still get to keep my sparkly orthodontic teeth. as long as my hair doesnt drop. I gave myself a million offers to stay on, push through, triump over it. and then there are the times, behind close down, you will hear my sniffling under my duvet. refusing to give in. stubborn. angry. and most of all, disappointed.

He came along and kept my life grounded. Gave me a thrillion reasons to climb the mountains. Push an inhaler to me palms when im running short of breath. Wrap his arms around me when it got too cold. the smallest thing stop sending me spiralling downwards for he taught me to look beyond the stormy clouds and catch a glimpse of the rainbow. Even after conquering my butterflies, my fears, my mountain...I still like to tell Him - God, next time, I wish you don't trust me so much to handle things. I am afterall, just a sunflower gasping along a winter day.

Majestic wonders

Last night I was privileged to go watch the stars with the astronomist and his group of equally galaxy enthusiastic buddies. Laid out flat on the grass out in the Chilly night while trying to count stars was something I had anticipated but not before I was exploited for cheap labour. I was ordered bossed around to help set up the telescope and the other equally complex useless  looking apparatus that was supposedly to allow me to check out more bling bling out in the dark.

After an hour of squabbling and ordering around, I finally plonk myself on a far bit of green grass, retrieve my popcorn and hot chocolate all ready to watch the stars. It was beautiful just staring right up to the blanket of little bursting shinning gasses up there and it was then I was reminded of the scene from Lion King with Timon and Pumbaa lying out in the wild somewhere in Africa gazing at stars too. I turned to the astronomist and as though he had read my thoughts he said, "you are definitely Timon without the intelligence!"

While all of us cuddled out under the starry starry night, I felt something shine in my heart. This is the shine that God has promised me 6 weeks ago. The shine that will come from my heart. Lying out there and looking up into the Universe, it made me feel so tiny but yet shinning with happiness. When you feel that the light in your life has ran out, just lift up your head and stare in awe of the light that God has shine on you. In my pursue of happiness I fought battles and ran marathons but never had I once stopped and let such majestic wonders wrapped me in happiness. As all of us lie down in silence, the astronomist nudge me and whispered, "What would Timon say to Pumbaa now?". I replied, "Thank you for lying with me and just forgetting the world".