Time will tell and time will heal. Time and time again, I make the same mistake of believing that saying, time will tell and time will heal. Time does neither. Things just has its way of revealing itself. the dark doesn't stay hidden forever. Wounds doesn't heal in time. Pain doesn't lessen. We merely adjusted to the elements of pain , accustomed ourselves to the prickling sensations and slowly, grew numb towards it. Our defence mechanism tricks us to believe the things that is easiest to cope with, the lies that soothe our conscience and our ignorance that hides the truth.
This goes to show that I really never found the courage to stop loving him. I was too afraid that one day I will wake up and forget how he once look like, how his smile lights up and how his voice sounds like. Truth be told, I never had to forget. He came back. I feel so dumb wit, so paralysed whenever I hear that voice again, inevitably, I fall into a comatose state and allow him a way back into my heart. I told myself it's alright to love two person at once. What's most important is that I am committed to the one who loves me back now. The one. There is something about being in a relationship that freaks me out. I don't trust enough. I am scared when I am too much in love and find myself losing my head and my heels over a person.
It takes courage to be honest. It takes a noble person to tell the truth with love. The former which I lack and the latter which he doesn't have. Its a recipe for a looming affair. Add a bit of passion and bang! there will be bedsheets rustling in no time. I sometimes wish I can stop singing the tunes of my heart. This ennui is encompassing all aspects of my life. I can't work efficiently. I can't think logically and I can't function NORMALLY. To feel was to want, and to want was to hope, and to hope was to be disappointed or to disappoint.
"don't you remember what he did?" The astronomist ask.
I sobbed gently. my breaking point. Once again, I have no morality when it comes to love. No pride to uphold. while others gave up and disappeared in time, I learn to bury my sorrows in the depths of my heart, behind all the lushness of life. A dark area in the forest where no one will visit and no one will have to discover my secret buried. I look back and see a trial of unfulfilled dreams, pieces of a broken heart, disappointment and misjudgments.
Initially, I was going well in his streak of silence, voraciously determined to flung all memories of us all into the deep blue sea. And so I did. But I could never fully commit myself into believing there it was over, for good. cracks in my resolve began to appear at any sight or reminders of "us". There was something missing. Something that always held me back and stop me dead in my tracks.
Lack of faith
I lack the faith to believe that this all one day will come to a pass. That one day I will wake up to find someone who truly loves me for who am I by my bedside. Without faith, this mourning has no end. with faith, I can press on to heal, and although adversity may strike, my objective is clear, never to look back. It is faith that sees me through the darkest valley's of this journey. Faith lifts my up and let me soar above the clouds. Irrefutable faith. Irresistable wanton of propelling forwards.
I am the only thing standing in between of time and pain. I am standing in middle between battle and faith. when faith should be the one in the middle.
I just needed to find the courage to erase his texts, block his calls and hit the delete button on him. I finally did.
