Dear DiaryI miss the equanimity of a starry starry night that paints the sky palettes blue and grey. I covet for a summer's day with eyes that know the darkness of my soul. To be with you to catch the breeze and winter chills. Now I understand what you have been trying to tell me in that 2 years. A wave of sadness crash on me. An understanding that came too late. The daffodils that dance freely in the green fields now seem to be such a distance memory. There is so much I want to say, so much that is left to share. As days go by and issues go unaddressed, gaping holes developed and slowly I feel I am no longer here nor there anymore. No longer wanting to be part of your life but yet I am intrusive as to 'what if'. A longing that once dominated my desires. A longing that has come to pass.
Your jeremiad ring sonorously in my ears clearly "I am tired of chasing your shadows. I am drained. Knackered from this endless wait for a propitious season. The winding excuse of 'I am not ready'. Your asperity of tantrums. tarty moods. I am afterall expandable in your vocabulary." Funny how that its all coming back to me. Now I'm listening. ruminating and digesting your word for its prima facie meaning. How could I miss it? You kept your sanity, your weathered face lined with pain. For I could not love you but yet your love was true. the lies crushed and broken on the snowy slate of our love story. Like crushed rose petals sprinkled over clean sheets. and now I think I know what you tried to say to me.
There will always be someone in our life whom we once love and always will love. Whose memories with us stay close to our hearts. Whose faces we can still draw out in our dreams. whose warmth of lips you can still feel. Whose eyes still burn in our souls. The one you will never be ready to forget, never ready to smooth all the pain, never willing to throw out the momentos. D, you were right. I never gave you a chance. I never open up for you. After 3 years, I know so little about you albeit our long chats and miles of journey together. A relationship that lack versimilitude. My insouciance towards your feelings and most of all your caring nature I can never compare to. I fell in love too late with you. When I was finally ready...you already left. Now I am chasing your shadows and wishing that I have one more chance to make things right.
Love, J
