My heart cries

That feeling of being with you, of being so close to happiness have been ephemeral. I was so close to reaching that famous happy ending, almost believing that what we share is not pretend. I cannot go on dreaming for I know I am. Romantic dreams must die.

Slowly, your hands are slipping out of mine.

We have grown apart and the feeling is no longer the same. You are now that stranger again I am trying to get to know. for everything we once shared, it felt so real, so true, so maddening that I stopped trying to process it - I just relegated myself to just feeling what felt right. I hunger now for tactile confirmation, for sensory input that all I felt is not just my imagination.

I gave myself reasons why I should not be attracted to you. I tried so very hard. Yet, the subtle truth was undeniable. I was falling in love. heart first. I found the best of me in your eyes. You, the rare and unexpected friend.

we forged a closed relationship. there were no channels of communications; lest one should offend the other. it was a relationship predicated on false presumptions and inaccurate assumptions. we were restricted by our perpetual walks on tippy-toes and prolonged moments of fragility. these were the circumstances i found myself stuck with. trapped. like a bull in a chandelier shop.

Yet, I continue to cling on, desperately trying to console my soul. desperately trying to hush down the whimpers of my heart. Truth be told, if you lean close enough, you can hear the beatings of my trepidation.

no matter how hard we try to be different, we still end up living life according to platitudes. there's just too many of them out there. for instance, i'm now coveting what i don't have... but i'm not going to deny myself that feeling. i should not let you have me. you just would not appreciate it.

Truce

I am not a scientist. I do not know the optimum temperature for fertilisation nor am any wiser on the effect of subzero weather conditions on the production of milk from the mammary glands. However I share your quiet understanding that I want to hear pitter patters of tiny feet and mutual confidence that the nursery should be filled with teddies, booties and happiness.

So I am staying loyal to you through this frigidity. I believe love is a friendship that has caught fire. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses. Yours drive me crazy but I am too noble to be angry at you for so long.

Somewhere beneath my sense of fun, my bravado and my independent exterior, I have a marshmellow for a heart. Soft and squeashy. But life is not a movie. and nothing is as easy as "making eye contact—tentatively at first, then a pact—before ripping off each other's clothes and declaring undying love…"

It's the way you make me smile and wanting more of you. Wanting may be the worst feeling of all, next to hope. But hope is the worst. Hope is the moment before peeing on the negative stick. Hope is the moment before they tell you they can’t find a heartbeat. Hope is a setup, a bait and switch, an illusion.

Perhaps these are the most frightening parts of our relationship, when I turn to you, I see the best of me in you and realised I am not complete without you. Just like Lauryn is not complete without Zara and Jayden without Alexander. 

Now, shall we kiss and make up?

Lend me your shoulders

It seems as of late, I have let myself believe that despite the complexity of things and the uncertainty that clouds us, there is a reason for everything that God allows to happen. An explanation and a significance in every event, from the most unseemingly and unexpected to the most joyous and unexplicable.

We feel wiser when we come out of a catastrophy and are able to see how everything connects to lead us to where we are today.

We feel stronger when we emerge, although brusied and scarred - at least, we did not become a casualty to that event.

We very much want to believe that the things that happen to us have great meaning. It's the way we feel life should be. Yes, some days we feel our life's a soap opera. But we want-we need-to have the sense that there's a purpose and value to it all. And we're right.

Sometimes its the smallest reason that can change your lives forever.

To quote Marilyn Monroe,

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

 

 

Today, I really hope what Marilyn said is true. I pray that what ever decisions Dinosaur makes, it will be to give him a better heart and to lead a healthier life so he can grow old with grace, walk me down the isle and run with the grandchildren. I want to walk to the edge and believe that my superhero - that one person who will give me his world should mine crumble and fall - has to go through this bypass surgery so that he can be living better to enjoy his golden years.

 

Sometimes things happens to me and my favourite people in the world. These things may seem horrible, painful and unfair and right now, it does. However, if I take a step back and reflect, I know that without overcoming those obstacles, I would not discover my potential, strength and will power of heart. I would not possess the courage to confess that despite the times Dinosaur drove me crazy, nagged me insanely and was being outright unreasonable, I always have and will love him deeply for the sacrifices, the unconditional love and just for being my daddy dearest.

 

Why does all my favourite people have to a.) fall sick; or b.) die; or c.) fall off the face of the Earth? If everyone is the same to me and there are no favourite people, it will not have hurt so much. Today, I have decided to delete my favourite people list, so when God takes one of the people in my life away, my heart will be less battered because it will just be another person missing and not a favourite one.

 

This is me - holding back tears and trying very hard to be a tough cookie.

2 years later

For a long time, I had in my head the words I wanted to say most if I saw him again. I have rehearsed those speeches in my nightmares so many times that I thought I could reel it off at the top of my mind if I ever bump into him. When it did happened, when he finally sum up enough courage to ask me out for coffee and chat, the ghost of our relationship has already found its resting peace and the disappointment that has been left unspoken of for 2 years is so prodigious that I honestly think, would never go away.

 

Nevertheless, it felt like a huge boulder stone has been lifted off my chest to be able to trash out my emotions proper after such a long time. The long silence served its purpose as  a.) space for us both to breathe, b.)healing turf for my pain and c.) an aperture for me to grow with grace and in maturity.

His apologies and contriteness were expected. His admittance of guilt of infidelity and of being a cheating jerk were anticipated. However, I did not augur that his idealogy of me as a person was bended and distorted to an extent. He expected me to club him to death. I would rather he stay alive and live to reflect and regret on his selfishness.

After being part of his life for half a decade, he knew so little of me, understood just a fraction of my character and never saw that I profess the emotional intelligence to cope with his lies and transgressions, until that day.

I am not perfect as a person. I admit that I have my imperfections. I had my fair share of ugly side and tantrums throwing in the relationship. I whined and I complaint. I had my dissatifactions and I did drive him up the wall crazy with the expectations I set up for us.

I was stubborn and silly. No matter what the odds were against us, I persisted to help pull us through the storm, even if it meant mending heartbreaks after heartbreaks. I refused to listen when others around me told me - that I could do better without him.  

His book of excuses has expanded indefinitely. He confessed that he still possess a filthy lot of excuses till today. Old habits die hard.

Although the wound has healed, the scars never stop reminding me that once, someone that I loved so dear betrayed me. By his own admittance, he ran away when the going gets tough. He abandoned ship and took the easy way out. I just wished his character build up was better. If I am able to turn back time to when he was a child, I would teach him never to cheat. on his exams. and on his girlfriend.

The things I said to him 2 years later were the same as the words I had 2 years ago. Maybe then I lacked the maturity to articulate it the way I could now but the message has never changed.

The DNA that very much make up who I am still has not changed. Its surprising that he said I make more sense to him now - now that he is willing to listen and more compassionate of a person. I failed to tell him, if only he was not screaming that much back then, he would have heard what my heart wanted to say and it would have saved me from having to pick up pieces of my broken heart.

My well of bitter ale has run dry. There are no more vestiges to hold on anymore. It is cathartic to come together as adults and make decent conversations after more than 750 days in silence. It is a relief to be able to see the wolf in the sheep disguise.

If I could change one thing back then, it would be complications he put us through. The very foundations of our relationship, trust, has been hammered through and through by him. He literally pulled out the bricks that constructed our relationship and when that's gone, what more had he or could he have expected?

I very much doubt that he will be able to capture the catastrophic effect he has rained upon me. He never will because I think he lacks the emotional intellect to understand that feelings are fragile and a human heart must be treated with care. He is not a fighter when it comes to love. He is a seeker. A seeker of an exit door and a seeker of excuses.

Everything happened for a reason. His departure made me the person I am today, more stoic, more independent and more liberated. He freed me from those deceptive rose coloured tinted glasses and now my visions are clearer. Others have been right, I am better without him.

It now make sense that those closest to me were able to tell that I was falling for Mr. Wrong when I could not. Its now laid out so clearly in front of me why he is a bad idea. Perhaps then, I was too young, too willing to believe that all I ever needed in a relationship was someone who made me laugh. Things have changed. I am now wiser by leaps and bounds now that life has played its little joke on me and my cynicism has just about eroded the last of my girlish hopes and dreams, imbuing me with a wary eye and an unfailing gut feeling.

Blame it on those damn rose-tinted glasses again, but when I was in the throes of a passionate relationship, it is easy to overlook the details, wave off his shortcomings, finding explanations and excuses. This fail relationship taught me something the hard way. Self respect, patience, never to disregard my gut feeling, courage and self confidence. This lesson came unexpected but it is always the hands on experience that makes an impression.

The opposite of Love

"You change your mind like a girl changes her clothes", I apprised him. Kelly Clarkson hit the right tune when she sang that song. He laughed. He laughed all the time but he admitted he is fickle, even a little scared maybe. We bicker and banter everytime he rings. He confessed that he miss those times when we will just lie in on saturdays just making conversations. Perhaps we found a kinship in each other during those times that we dearly desired in our lonely moments. We escape our daily routines in life by just listening to each other's thoughts, by sharing epiphanies and prattling about everything under the sun, sometimes losing track of time.

One day, while I was babbling about my favourite disney cartoon, he leaned over and stared into my eyes. Affixing those big brown eyes to mine. Peeping into the windows of my soul. searching for a hint or a sign that we were soul mates, he said.


I just think he can be quite intimidating sometimes. we may share the same demographic and speak the same language but there is something about him that I will never quite understand. maybe that explains why we are drifting apart. He is a difficult book to read. Too thick of a text to disgest.

It's not just the seas that are seperating us and he knows it. we both know it. He is just too afraid to say it out loud, as if, speaking it out will ruin the current state of our relationship. He doesn't quite like to stress test the foundation of our relationship. That's why he hardly ask about my state of affairs in particular, he said, "its the not knowing that will not kill us". Something that I am still unsure if I disagree. He has this canny ability to influence my thoughts and I am addicted to this, always scurrying back to him for his wisedom, his words, his thoughts, his humour and his indubitable character.

"Do you like my gift?", he queried. You cannot compensate the lost of quality time by gifting. Thank God for immaterialistic girls. "I do", I replied. I truly did. I cannot deny him that credit of knowing me so well.

"How're you?" He probed. "Not too good", I admitted. He need not ask further, he knows why. " I like what you did to your hair", he kindly offered. I laughed. And I heard him chuckled on the otherside. "I miss us", He finally admitted.


I don't think I could ever appreciate him enough.

We never learn, do we? We are always repugnant towards those who loves us most, the ones who will give us their kidneys if we ever needed one. Until we lose them. I do not want to repeat my mistakes with him and the words "I do not know how to love you the way you love me" is becoming a banality. I cannot guarantee I will be the one he wants and I am not ready to lock it down full time. Settle down with one dime and spend the rest of my life with someone I still do not understand.

I do not know if I am a better person with him. He just makes it easier with him around. Like all things in life, this cannot stay perpetual. He is unwilling to sacrifice and I cannot love a man whom I cannot read. A litle mistery is fine. Too much makes me redraw. makes me feel incapable. frightened perhaps of venturing out with someone you hardly understand.


"Come to HongKong", that was the last he said before we ended the night with our goodbyes.

Eternal sunshine for the broken heart

Sometimes people do and say things without realising how much they have an impact on others and the lives of others. Sharing this planet with 6 billion people means someday we are bound to bump into some people who will light up our lives and another half who will inevitable crush our hearts, regardless of whether we like it or not. Though the saying goes that we are only responsible for our own happiness and it should not be dependent on others, I am of the opinion that our surrounding circumstances and the people whom we let in our lives do play a part in our pursuit of happiness. They are each, liken to a brick in the construction of a building.

Complicated situations and I don't go too well together. If at all possible, I try to avoid it at all costs. However more often than not, I always find myself being pulled into one, an object being caught in a turbulent moment of a spinning cyclone. This is supposed to be my year! But no, God has some other fantastic plans for me. When human plans, God laughs. He must be having the chuckle of this time up there. The loathsome thing about my pursuit of my happiness is that I am constantly nursing heartbreaks after heartbreaks. licking the wounds of my own and others. I longed to be completely ignorant in those moments when my I can hear the sickening sound of cracking hearts slice through the silence - to be completely sated by warms thoughts of happier times. It's like skiing on a thin slate of ice and watching it crack beneath you - in a torrent of a moment, you find yourself slipping underneath the ice and sinking into the icy waters. Now, I am disjointed in the agitated current.

As my heart shatters into a million pieces, showering me for a prolonged moment, as the shards of everything I once felt jingled on the ground around us and I find myself exposed to world so dark, so cold, so heartless and of such infinite magnitude and size. I do not know how to fix it as my eyes moist up. such hapless moments. I always try to make the best of every situation, I am that girl next door who looks for goodness in every corner, every situation and every person. I found your silver linning easily. You weren't the darkest in the flurry of cotton candy clouds. however my expectations of you were naive. you are just my transit stop, not my destination. at least, not for now. I am not that smiling face you expect at the arrival hall. I am merely another traveller in throngs of a thousands arriving at the terminal. Some are here to stay, some are here to visit and some are just stopping over. I fit in the last category. However, I realise, I fell in love when I shouldn't have. Yes, my whole world, my whole orbiting world consists of just a small, close revolution around my beating heart. I let my heart palpitate and beat hard against my ribcage at the thought of this man who makes me laugh. Lean back in my chair and laugh hard, for the first time in a very long time. I betrayed my rational - my wisedom that screams Nooo, Stop.

The greatest tool of feminity is trust. To be able to sit back and let the man in my life take the wheel, steer me around, drive at neckbreaking speed and trust, that I am in good hands, that I will be all right, no matter what. But you see, this was never about the issue of trust to begin with. This is about the cruelest irony in this twist of fate. You are that man I should never have fell in love with. You were meant to be foreign, but now you are familiar. You were suppose to be distant, but now dear. the more I tried to process the blurring lines, the more maddening it becomes.

Is our relationship bounded by just mere comfort and convenience? Am I just consoling my soul that soon all this will come to pass and my long delayed flight out of here will arrive soon? You will never feel the tears trickling down your arms because I am just too afraid to let it fall in front of you. I want your memory of me to be pure happiness and bliss, not stained by sadness. At the end, the vestiges of what we didn't have, what I couldn't have are just fleeting moments that I try to hang onto, desperately, before my head goes under the water. An unfulfilled love can be romantic in its own twisted way.

Now God, you can laugh.

The magic is gone

My brain has been a giant site of useless junk churning with nonsensical ideas on how to convince my parents to spend more money on me. I could well afford quite a few things on my own now but I am just too stingy and the thought of having to spend my OWN hard earned money is not very appealing. Yes I am a horrible ungrateful offspring to have. As since all my brain energy is already channel to con my parents' money it takes me hours and days to compile enough mental willpower to create a blog worthy of your time and energy.

Life at work has also been hectic and CrAz-E.

I am always leaving work with tears welling, exasperated and very much wanting to just go home to a nice bathe. During my drive back home, tears will roll down my cheeks and I will silently pray that some kind hearted arsonist will torch planet workplace so I will never have to go back and endure a whole team of people who has contributed to my soaring blood pressure level. It's a rough start at work since the beginning of year 2010; I can't offer perfection. or anything resembling it for that matter. In fact, I am already at my wits end on what else can be done.

But I can offer an earnest desire to try harder, to get better. No, fuck that. I will be better. Because the one positive thing about being at the bottom is that things can only get better from here. And that I can promise: I will do better. Bit by bit, day by day. Nothing is insurmountable.

My heart is doing sommersault flips in my rib cage at the moment. I have my eye on someone who makes me laugh but that's never enough. to stare from afar and wish that things were a tad different. I am finding myself being enveloped in a warm facade of intimacy, becoming best friends from just mere acquaitance. I can only promise to laugh a little more and to be a little better. Scraped knees are easier to heal than broken hearts you say heh?

I wish things will eventually fall into place and this melee that is hanging like a mist over me will disperse soon so I can see the road ahead clearer. Where's my sprinkles of magical sweetness in life?

To cut or not to cut

I am contemplating chopping my locks, save on shampoo and cut down the time on my blow dry sessions. What do you think?

What Ifs

In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with … and the one that got away.


Who is the one that got away? I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose.


I believe in the fact that ending with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.


How often have you gone through it without realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.


Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And it’ll make sense, it really will.


So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you’re single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter.


All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.


You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?” That’s what the one that got away is. The biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.

If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already with the one you’re with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her every so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been,” but it happens.


Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing. But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different. What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple … find him, find her. Because the very existence of a “the one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got this one?


Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be “the one that got away” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.”


You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”


>>>> Do your best always. Think twice or probably a lot of time before deciding in doing things. It's not healthy having regrets and "WHAT IF's" in our lives. Be happy and always give your best shot in things that you really want to do... have a HAPPY LIFE and HEALTHY HEART always. meaning HEAL - THY - HEART!!

Just not my cup of tea

a relationship is like a cup of tea. left out in the open too long and it just grows cold. i'm pensive about how it fell apart - was there something that i didn't do? was it something we could reconcile? when was the turning point? how can it be salvaged? but nothing comes to mind. well, not nothing. correction, a lot of things. so many things that they bump and cancel one another out to become nothing.

passion dissipates like evaporating steam off the wide orifice of a teacup. it's gradual, barely visible, until ultimately, it becomes cold and you're left with nothing but a soggy tea bag, half a cup of amber liquid that stains the glass, and the somber recollection of the warmth that once soothed the soul. now, the longer it sits, the more permanent the stain.

i'd say we were like oil and vinegar. a delightful mix, but never really homogenous. never really coalescing. maybe we needed a shaking. things needed a stir. but we were left sitting on the counter, powerless to stir ourselves, gradually separating into adjacent layers until we were completely distinct. the thin layer of our relationship was the only thing that bound us.




my thoughts are befuddled. too much thinking. i've had the sudden realization of the certain clarity in not thinking. the feeling of not feeling. it may be a bore, but apathy is a great panacea.

i was still waiting for a response when he stopped calling altogether. i guess that's when he made the conscious decision. he decided to severe ties. go into a incommunicado mode. i followed. and all that is left is the silence that echo in our lives. no more chatters. no more banterings. no more ringings of the phone. unknowingly, he texted me last night to ask me if this was it. I didn't reply. whispered to myself a quiet yes,deleted his text and went back to sleep. all that remained is mine unfinished cup of tea, now cold, left sitting on the table.

the vestiges of what once was.


we can only live for what the hope of tomorrow brings.

What's left from 2009

September has come to an end. It's time to wake up and smell the roses or rather, the wintery winds. We are nearing in to the last 3 months of the year - 2009 is left with just another quarter of a lifespan before we wave goodbye to it with bangs of fireworks and cheer. It still remains vivid how I had usher in 2009 with a group of friends - freshly chilled back from the UK with the winter air still in my bones, excited to start afresh with a new job and giddy with happiness.

I will be guilty of gaucherie of the crassest kind if I exclaim that "2009 was THE most amazing year! A blast, that I don't mind living it on a rewind. 2009 I heart you!" I must confess, all that is left from the year are the crumbs of a mouldy relationship and a stale job that is starting to breed discontent. I made an astounding discovery of myself this year. I realised I suffer from a touch of logorrhea. My compulsive talkativeness is evident over the 9 months wherein I have whine incessantly of my monotonous life, grumble infinitely, moan regularly and throw a hissy fit once in awhile.

back to the 3 quarters of my year lament - Over the 9 months, I have inured myself to complaint - rarely complacent or satisfied. Of course if you compared the state of my conditions to those from a famish striken country, I am considered to be spoilt, upper crust and a tad overwight. However, my yardstick of equality is the Queen here. Doubleyewww Teee Efff, yes, The Queen. Obviously I haven't woken up from my slumber. Wake me up when December ends.

I have realised the followings in myself : -
1.) losing focus: - I have lost the magical compass in many areas of life.
2.) Rebelling - I am entering another phase of adult angst whereby I tried too hard to be on top of every game I play.
3.) Lackadasical - if others take life at a pinch of salt, I take a tiny grain of it.

4.) Short Attention Span - I think this should go hand-in-hand with losing focus. Since my attention span on things and/or people are pretty short-lived, I somehow reason this is why I lose focus so easily.
5.) Ignorant - I have learnt how to shut out and shut down. I have horne my sweeping skills.

6.) Patience - Despite my motto of ignorance is bliss, I still have a deep sense of patience in me with the rubbish the world throw at me. Maybe this can also be interpreted as a disregard of many things in life, not being too bother about the minuate details and being less interested.

With time running against me, I promise myself to take the last 3 months of this year to reflect on myself. My needs, my heart, my well-being and to reroute, defragment, and rethink how the past has affected me and what areas in my life needs to be changed. I am going to do a spring cleaning of thyself. A change that must come from deep within. To try harder to strive, to be faithful throughout and to be a resilient fighter. Truth be told, these 9 months is a beautiful mess of things unspoken, grievance unheard and love unresolved. It's beautiful because when I look back, I see rainbow strands of events woven into the year. Darker colours for bad days, lighter colours for cheerful days. It's a mess because some lose ends has not be tied. has not be burnt out. has not be tidied and even out. I am afraid. I am petrified to cut those lose ends, what more to burn them...this plague of fear has consume me bit by bit each day that now, when I stare into the mirror, I don't see myself anymore, just someone who has lost herself to the first 3 torrential quarters of 2009.

Clandestine thoughts

Will you still be there for me, I softly murmur
Will you still be behind me when I look back, I quietly whimper
Will you still smile for me, I sadly question
Will you still hold my hand when I need it, I surreptitiously wonder
Will you still remember me, I timidly ponder
Will you still care for me, I vulnerably imagine

Will you still laugh with me, I innocently asked

Will you still catch my tears, I weep in grief
Will I go the distance with you? I shudder at the answer...echoing through the silence..no

Nie speaks

Talk to me

You speak with me

Don’t sink before you rise baby

Don’t fade away
You hesitate

You seem to wait

For all the time we had

Feels like a world away

Who’s to say, we’ll be ok

We will make it through the night

Don’t wanna wake up in this state

I just want us both to smile
Cause we’re the same

And I know that we’ll never change

Look I bought your favourite ice cream

I don’t wanna see it melt away
If you walk out now

I don’t know if we’re gonna be the same

Baby just talk with me

Cause I want you to stay here with me
The memories

The things we did

I locked inside my heart

Where I know I won’t forget
And now, who’s to say, we’ll be ok

We will make it through the night

Don’t wanna wake up in this state

I just want us both to smile
Cause we’re the same

And I know that we’ll never change

look I bought your favorite ice cream

I don’t want to see it melts away
If you walk out now

I don’t know if we could be the same

Baby just talk with me

Cause I want you to stay here with me
I want you to stay here with me

Wheel of Life

Last night's outing with the Wednesday provoked a profounding realisation upon me. Our life is such a routine that we all need something to look forward to. A detour. A pinch of spice or a splash of colour to what's grey and dull. Taken the average working week, we spent nearly 12 hours (sometimes more) working and/or commuting to work and what's left after deducting 8 hours of sleep (if we are lucky) is nothing more than 4 hours that seemed to whizz by in Bullet Train style. There is not much social hours, not much cup-of-tea-time, not much My-time and not much to keep us going unless we work in the entertainment industry, PR, or anything to do with a hip-hop beat, which most of us don't.

Its such a routine, doing the same thing week after week and yet the grim fact remains, we are stuck in this lifestyle. Like the adults always say, welcome to the working life. The closest friends you make at work are a chosen few : - heart attack, stress, hair loss, boredom and lost of sleep. There may be loads of tedium and toil but little of excitement and joy. The hamster wheel of work has become our life and sometimes we ponder, "how did we ever get here?" Soon after, we drone on in the fog of a mundane life for so long that we forget how to enjoy life, how to have fun and how to catch the silver linnings in the dark clouds. Is work all about sustaining ourselves financially? Has everyone fall prey into believing that if we don't work, we are lazy bummers? Actually, it is not a myth. Its true that the society place an importance of bringing home the bacon and topping up the figures in our bank accounts. The rat race to be employed, to ascend the corporate ladder, and to be a workaholic has all been programmed into us...or some of us.

We all need that rainbow to keep us going. That promise after the storm. A silver lining for us to look out for. A purpose to drive us. Humans were made to have meaning, without purpose, life is meaningless. Rick Warren wrote, "“Without God, life has no purpose, and without purpose, life has no meaning.” Are you caught in your daily dilemma of the hamster wheel? Going round and round, day in day out, just drifting along life and your motto is, "come what may"? A purpose produces passion and by knowing your purpose, you will be passionate about achieving it.

I think sometimes, it no harm to take a little break, take time off to contemplate on how life has been? Do you realise that everytime someone ask their perfunctory, "how are you?", we reel our automated answer of, "I'm fine, thank you?" Is our life really fine? Or are we satisfied with just being fine?

God, grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

The things unspoken

Dear Diary

I miss the equanimity of a starry starry night that paints the sky palettes blue and grey. I covet for a summer's day with eyes that know the darkness of my soul. To be with you to catch the breeze and winter chills. Now I understand what you have been trying to tell me in that 2 years. A wave of sadness crash on me. An understanding that came too late. The daffodils that dance freely in the green fields now seem to be such a distance memory. There is so much I want to say, so much that is left to share. As days go by and issues go unaddressed, gaping holes developed and slowly I feel I am no longer here nor there anymore. No longer wanting to be part of your life but yet I am intrusive as to 'what if'. A longing that once dominated my desires. A longing that has come to pass.

Your jeremiad ring sonorously in my ears clearly "I am tired of chasing your shadows. I am drained. Knackered from this endless wait for a propitious season. The winding excuse of 'I am not ready'. Your asperity of tantrums. tarty moods. I am afterall expandable in your vocabulary." Funny how that its all coming back to me. Now I'm listening. ruminating and digesting your word for its prima facie meaning. How could I miss it? You kept your sanity, your weathered face lined with pain. For I could not love you but yet your love was true. the lies crushed and broken on the snowy slate of our love story. Like crushed rose petals sprinkled over clean sheets. and now I think I know what you tried to say to me.

There will always be someone in our life whom we once love and always will love. Whose memories with us stay close to our hearts. Whose faces we can still draw out in our dreams. whose warmth of lips you can still feel. Whose eyes still burn in our souls. The one you will never be ready to forget, never ready to smooth all the pain, never willing to throw out the momentos. D, you were right. I never gave you a chance. I never open up for you. After 3 years, I know so little about you albeit our long chats and miles of journey together. A relationship that lack versimilitude. My insouciance towards your feelings and most of all your caring nature I can never compare to. I fell in love too late with you. When I was finally ready...you already left. Now I am chasing your shadows and wishing that I have one more chance to make things right.

Love, J

Another emo heart

It was Benjamin Franklin who famously said, “In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.” I’m not an American history virtuoso, so I don’t know the context in which Mr. Franklin said this. I don’t know if he made macabre statements such as this often or if he was generally just an emo kind of guy. In regards to my life this assertion is extremely accurate: I am 100% certain that one day I will die, and, unless my accountant is swindling me, I am 100% certain that I do pay taxes. However, this statement is not entirely precise because another thing that is certain is that I will be at Starbucks this Sunday from 12pm to 3pm, as I sometimes do when I want to sit in a coffee shop and sip green tea latte.

Something that is at least 80% certain is I will see a particular person there who I’ve seen at least 80% of most Sunday I’ve been there. I have never talked to nor have I had any significant contact with her. I do, however, look forward to seeing her there every Sunday, and it has absolutely nothing to do with her large breasts. Being that I am astutely aware to the goings-on around me (read: eavesdropper), I’ve learned that 1) her name is Allison, 2) she hates her life, and 3) she wants to kill herself. For reasons that I have never been able to ascertain, Allison wants to die, and this is exactly why she is the one regular patron at Starbucks that I care to see. Without knowing the circumstances of her situation, I can’t say that I understand her. But, as a despondent individual, I can empathize with the sentiment of not wanting to be alive .

Almost a year ago I experienced a terrible heartbreak and subsequently suffered a psychological meltdown of epic proportions. This involved several months of crying, physical trauma, screaming, and other acts of emotive uncontrollability that was generally perceived as “not normal.” I built walls around my life and isolated myself. Every day was a struggle to stay alive and I lived with a persistent sense of impending doom. I was sad, depressed, morose, and emo. I was not pleasant to be around. Have you ever heard music from an emo band? I suspect that you have, and I also suspect that you didn’t think it was any good. There’s a reason why nobody likes emo bands: It has less to do with their eyeliner and more to do with the fact that they’re just fucking annoying.

As time went on, I climbed the walls I built around myself like a determined illegal immigrant. I’m not exactly sure how, but I’ve overcome that part of my life. I can’t say that I’ve overcome the depression entirely, and maybe it’s because I subconsciously don’t want to. The thing about depression is that you can never completely get over it because the past can never be erased. I still think about what happened, and occasionally it will make me cry. The biggest difference between then and now is that back then I would often spontaneously burst into tears at any time of the day and cry uncontrollably. Nowadays, I can usually wait until the time between going to bed and falling asleep to cry, and sometimes it’s just because I’m drunk.

I know it’s none of my business, but I genuinely don’t want Allison to slash her forearms. I want to tell her that she’s not alone, even though it’s better that she is. I want to tell her that I know exactly what she’s feeling. I want to tell her that, like her, I understand that wanting to die is the only way she can feel alive. I want to tell her that she has redeeming qualities, even though I know she wouldn’t believe me. I want to tell her that to be emo is to be certain about adversity, and life is more about overcoming adversity than it is about the pursuit of happiness.

And, I want to tell her that it’s certain that I will be here next Sunday, and I would like to be certain that she will be, too.

double chocolate cookie rock

ONE TOUGH COOKIE CRACKING..........

At the corner location of starbucks we sat burgeoning our minds on summer, sipping on our latte(s) and chocolate(s) and trying to lift each other's spirit on the moment. I can still remember - feel it - rather I would say moments like those where everyone's is disheartened by something but just too afraid, too ego-istic , too bashful, too hold back - to spill it out. Clearly we try to write - "im tough" - on our faces. Once in awhile someone will click away at their mobile, crack a dumb blonde, poke fun at the fat lady at the counter or simply pull out a random topic from the air trying really - in fact too hard - to distract everyone from the storms, only to realise, it is all just momentarily - without denial, the heaviness and dampness in the heart stays.

Everyone has problems of the heart - we either own the pain or try to bury it. I feel my pain. It stays there like the tenant who will never move out. It seeks solace in your hurt and moves out when its time. You can try all ways to vacate it but it will stay until it is one satisfied occupier in your heart. the ones you love are always in your heart but you are never in their heart. they occupy so much of the space there and one thing for sure, you know its going to take awhile to get your heart back together again. but i believe when it go, it will be subtle.

Despite being surrounded by a noisy crowd in that little corner that day, I felt alone. Despite the warm sunlight out there lighting up the earth, it was darkness in my heart. Not just mine. But ours. There is this little spot in our eternal bright sunshine. A little spot that we cannot wipe out or block out no matter what we do.

Pain is a feeling that hurts so badly till everynight itself is a battle in your dreams. letting go is an art that not everyone can master. We think we can do it but scars are often left behind to remind us that pain has once been lived there. We spend so much time making sure we laugh so the world could laugh with us because when you cry, you cry alone and indeed the loneliness can be overwhelming. Yet when you laugh, there is no guarantee that the world is indeed laughing with you or actually laughing AT you.

i grew up with people planting mottos in my head, and principles that should supposedly bring me through life. over the years my heart adjusted to pain moving in and out everytime. i have a vague impression of what TRUE happiness feels like - everytime i think i am close to it or in it - someone or something has to come burst my bubble or drag me away from it. rationality flies out the window and numbness just surrounds my placid thumping muscle trapped in my body.

im tough is just momentarily pretention put on to fool the world. we eventually will go weary. I like softness, I like my bed to be filled with rose petals, I like my fall to be on clouds, I like soft bumps in my life - bumps that will not bruise me nor bring pain and leave scars. However, reality is a tough hurricane, it comes on hard and fast. So when it hits, you have to be tough - otherwise....*shudder*

I bit hard into my double chocolate cookie only to watch it cracked just a little. Frustrated, I slammed my cookie hard onto the table and miracalously it shattered into a million brown pieces - argghhh. Laughters at my silliness came aloud and for a moment there - we felt a ray of sunlight in our hearts