Seawind

we both sat sipping out of our fruit juices and letting the salty seawind blow into our faces, our hearts beat in sync with the lapping of the waves against the beach, and our silence fill with the melodious background music. It was a night where there was no twinkling stars in the midnight sky, where nothing else seems to matter but just the thought of how we were going to say goodbye.

I gobbled up my banana love boat nosily, rolling the metallic icy cold spoon on my tongue and letting the creamy rum and raisin slide down my throat while hearing him rattle about life in general. Only later did he asked why I never offered him a taste of my ice cream galore. How impolite of me not to have done so.

Good friends come in bulks. Friends come in truckloads. Best friend comes in a specially wrap package. He came with awesomeness, or at least so he likes to think. He knows how to spoil a girl, how to make us laugh, how to simply be someone I can sit with and let the silence whirl around us. In 2 weeks, we learnt so much about each other. we taught each other to laugh a little louder. we took away each other's worries and fill the empty space with epic awesomeness.

why did it take me so long just to find that he was more than special? I am baffled and still is at how he swept me off my feet with the intricate details of his life we never shared. An afficionado my heart slowly haboured towards...a deep drowning that i would slowly experience.

Could he have been my yang to my yin? could i be worried about the love he has for another? i wasn't worried. i was just insanely jealous that that love belong to someone else and not me. what about someone to call my own for once? it is really immature. i should be proud of his capacity to love someone so deeply. to put someone else first before him and to be so committed to her. that for one person he had so much to offer to her like..more than he could as my best friend. and i was envious of that. that there was limitations drawn. that i could not be emotionally dependent on him even if i wanted to. that i always have to the strong one.

my throat constrict and my heart ache when he left. i would have stood there at the airport and cried my heart out but he still would've left. but i'm lucky. while some will never find get that special package delievered to them, i had. with a splash of awesomeness. how lucky we were to have had a moment, the two of us, sharing a happiness, the kind he would never have with me again, but which he could, for me.

I knew too that my grief was changing shapes. Tears still came and nights were often interminable. my pain was still real, sometimes very physical. but there was are years ahead of us and looking at them, imagining them, makes the pain not so painful. it would never go away, but it would get better and keep on getting better until it was something i have in just one part of me. instead of all through me, a part i could put away when needed and access again just as easily. but not the greater part of me, which was still intact.

Sweet memories as much as they make us smile...some are meant to be buried and forgotten.

only then are we giving our heart the space to create new ones

[Fran-frank-Fan] Friendship 101

Friendship 101

1.) A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely.

- For those who took the time to snail mail me, you have me close at heart and I truly know that. For those who bothered to ring me or even have my number - I shall pay for your telco bills one day when I marry a generation from the Buffet family. For those who remember how much every girl would love surprises - I have penned your birthday/special occasions down to send you one in return. For those who have done none of the above, you now understand why the juices of our friendship dried of.

2.) An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.
- I have met plenty on the way here. Its a wild jungle out there. I cannot help but think why aren't there hunters out there to shoot the evil of out the jungle.

3.) Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.
- I have put my heart out and let down my fortress only to be hurt and betrayed. Trust is to be earned. I dislike those who try to be intimate but offer no sincerity. When your loyalty is divided, I have no confidence to confide in you.

4.) Friendship needs no words - it is solitude delivered from the anguish of loneliness.
- Munchkin, I think you understand this the most. It is the very foundation of our friendship.

5.) In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.
- Fungying, Waishin, Maria, Joyce, Victor, Ming, Sarah - you all deserve my inner gratitude.

6.) It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.
- Andrew and the boys at the Doctor's shed. you are all my strength and my light in my darkest and loneliest hours. FOR answering my phone calls and popping over just to wipe over the tears - thank you so much!

7.)Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts. The real test of friendship is: can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy those moments of life that are utterly simple?
- Andrew you understand this the most. You have passed that test with flying colours. For the silence on the bus rides and the walks back, you have been there to savour life's precious moments with me. Remember the times you and I just laid there counting grass and laying them out in a circle around your feet? You have been awesome throughout the silence.

8.) When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.
- Fungying and Waishin, you both deserve medals and an award for sharing my pain and healing my wounds.

9.) There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.
- Sincerity and genuine-ness outshines anything else. I may be gullible but my naivety doesn't stop me from seeing a real friend for who she or he is.

Have you been a true friend? There are strangers, acquaintances, friends and people who live in your heart. Who do you allow to live in your heart and trust not to trash it? Have you truly been a friend because you truly care or because you benefit from the "friendship"?

Another emo heart

It was Benjamin Franklin who famously said, “In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.” I’m not an American history virtuoso, so I don’t know the context in which Mr. Franklin said this. I don’t know if he made macabre statements such as this often or if he was generally just an emo kind of guy. In regards to my life this assertion is extremely accurate: I am 100% certain that one day I will die, and, unless my accountant is swindling me, I am 100% certain that I do pay taxes. However, this statement is not entirely precise because another thing that is certain is that I will be at Starbucks this Sunday from 12pm to 3pm, as I sometimes do when I want to sit in a coffee shop and sip green tea latte.

Something that is at least 80% certain is I will see a particular person there who I’ve seen at least 80% of most Sunday I’ve been there. I have never talked to nor have I had any significant contact with her. I do, however, look forward to seeing her there every Sunday, and it has absolutely nothing to do with her large breasts. Being that I am astutely aware to the goings-on around me (read: eavesdropper), I’ve learned that 1) her name is Allison, 2) she hates her life, and 3) she wants to kill herself. For reasons that I have never been able to ascertain, Allison wants to die, and this is exactly why she is the one regular patron at Starbucks that I care to see. Without knowing the circumstances of her situation, I can’t say that I understand her. But, as a despondent individual, I can empathize with the sentiment of not wanting to be alive .

Almost a year ago I experienced a terrible heartbreak and subsequently suffered a psychological meltdown of epic proportions. This involved several months of crying, physical trauma, screaming, and other acts of emotive uncontrollability that was generally perceived as “not normal.” I built walls around my life and isolated myself. Every day was a struggle to stay alive and I lived with a persistent sense of impending doom. I was sad, depressed, morose, and emo. I was not pleasant to be around. Have you ever heard music from an emo band? I suspect that you have, and I also suspect that you didn’t think it was any good. There’s a reason why nobody likes emo bands: It has less to do with their eyeliner and more to do with the fact that they’re just fucking annoying.

As time went on, I climbed the walls I built around myself like a determined illegal immigrant. I’m not exactly sure how, but I’ve overcome that part of my life. I can’t say that I’ve overcome the depression entirely, and maybe it’s because I subconsciously don’t want to. The thing about depression is that you can never completely get over it because the past can never be erased. I still think about what happened, and occasionally it will make me cry. The biggest difference between then and now is that back then I would often spontaneously burst into tears at any time of the day and cry uncontrollably. Nowadays, I can usually wait until the time between going to bed and falling asleep to cry, and sometimes it’s just because I’m drunk.

I know it’s none of my business, but I genuinely don’t want Allison to slash her forearms. I want to tell her that she’s not alone, even though it’s better that she is. I want to tell her that I know exactly what she’s feeling. I want to tell her that, like her, I understand that wanting to die is the only way she can feel alive. I want to tell her that she has redeeming qualities, even though I know she wouldn’t believe me. I want to tell her that to be emo is to be certain about adversity, and life is more about overcoming adversity than it is about the pursuit of happiness.

And, I want to tell her that it’s certain that I will be here next Sunday, and I would like to be certain that she will be, too.

Sperm [Sip-Perm] talk

Abortion has always been a controversial issue especially in our society whereby we take sex so much like a business contract and babies are conceive almost every minute of the day around the world everywhere and every way possible. Regardless of how the law is change; how people feel about it, rational and debate over it, write millions and gazillions of letters to the Government, a child - an unwanted life in a womb is still taken away everyday.

How do we really stop abortion anyway? No solution is simple. do you:

a) ask men to be responsible for a child they do not want?
- e.g. if you don't have the decency to stick around, don't have sex with the girl. If you get her pregnant, don't tell her, "Whatever you decide, I will support your decision." Oh, grow up. Be a man! It took two to make the thing. It will take two to figure it out. Don't abandon her. Don't leave her to make the decision on her own. You stay and you finish what you started.
I have good reason to think that if we as men were loyal to the women we chase, if we were virtuous, caring, loyal men, abortions would be virtually non-existent. Most women getting abortions -- 83% -- are single, unmarried women. Eighty-three percent!! Guys, fellas... These women can't do it on their own. You had the easy job, you understand? You got her knocked up, so you help her out. And I don't mean paying for her abortion or giving her child support if she decides not to. You sit down, you talk it out, you be loyal, and you stick with her. If you aren't willing to do that, then you don't sleep with her.

b) give the woman a pep talk?
Ladies, you make him work for your love. Make it tough on the guys. Really tough. You make him open doors, pull chairs out, compliment you in a proper way, go out of his way for you, buy you gifts, do nice things for you. If he's not going the extra mile, then he's not worthy of you. Don't give him access. Sex first doesn't mean love later. Know his intentions. If he's not going to stick around, what he is going to stick you with is a decision to make on your own. Is a few minutes of pleasure really worth the months of trouble this is going to cause you? Or the lifetime of scars it may inflict?

c) Give the guy a final pep talk?
Guys, you are every bit as responsible for this, if not more responsible. It is your job to love her, cherish her, to be the head of the household, to provide for your family. So you do it. If you don't want to do it, you quit sleeping around. Are we clear? Don't take more than you're willing to give. You take a piece of every woman you sleep with. Stop. Destroying. Lives.


d) send Monty Python to sing his song 'every sperm is sacred' to these vociferous life givers?

Every sperm is wanted,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,God gets quite irate.

Let the heathen spill theirs,
On the dusty ground,
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

Hindu, Taoist, Morman,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

I am glad we had this talk....

The curious case of Plan Bee

He whose has legs every woman would die for.

He who looks 16 and hails from Thailand.

He who has been most patient when I made his room look like an iraq war ground

He who so kindly allowed me to invade his space for a two whole weeks and kept me entertained with his dancing, singing and weird jokes.
He who will finds sign language funny but not attractive.

He who swept me off my feet by serenading me on his guitar.

He who has a sexylicious husky voice.

He who gave me bounds of orgasm with his delicious family secret recipe cooking.

He who dyed my hair a weird brownish red.

He who calls me 'laling'.

He who risk death to climb to his chambers of retirement each night.

He who works undercover as a mafia.

He who reassured me in the middle of the night that the weird noises coming through the wall from his housemate's room were sounds of amour.

He who made packing a suitcase seem so easy.

He whose cookie jar i stole from and made me a double chocolate cookiewhore.

He who uses a whole array of feminine products.

He whose name is Plan Bee....

Disclaimer: The character created in this blog is only fictional and is in no way related to any man/person/creature/martian who has graced this Earth. The above pictures are borrowed from a random website.

The search for my rainbow dreams

The educated elite girls are the ones whom their whole lives have guys back-rubbing them and kow tow to their every wish, whimps and desires. Not only do they have the brains, they are highly sophisticated. There is no textbook guide to get over to this highly pretentious Ox-bridge chicks. It would seem silly if you hang over a chandelier singing Sinatra while showering red velvety petals over her head to woe her. although what a wonderful thought. You probably stand a chance if you model for Calvin Klein and/or is as suave as Daniel Craig. Man, I would drown in those blue eyes.

Fortunately for you poor souls out there, there is no need to bend over and pretend to sound knowledgeable just to get to know yours truly this valentine. I love fireworks and romance. Put them together, add 500ml of water and stir continously - whoodap, you will have me in an instance! It would be extra lovely if you throw in rose petals and a mini orchestra and a whole gasping crowd when you get down on one knee and proclaim your eternal and undying love for me.

So I am attracted to a mate who is also intellectually and physically adventurous and interested in dissecting this complex, tangible universe. I particularly like imaginative and theoretical people, a "mind mate." I have nerves of steel and thrive on the edge. I am also decisive and direct. So I am unconsciously drawn to those who can balance out my highly independent and tough-minded spirit--those who are novelty seeking, yet compassionate, verbal, intuitive, trusting, flexible and emotionally expressive.

You cannot fall in love with a man whom you cannot laugh with. so laughter seals the deal with me. I like men who can make me laugh. laugh like a hyena kinda laughters and not Jane Austen characters kinda stupid silly giggles. If we get married at 30 and live until we're 80 (assuming life expectancies increase), that's 50 years with ONE person. and if that person cannot make me laugh, I would be so miserable for 50 years that I would wish I died at 50 instead of 80, because 20 years spent with one person frowning and not being able to hollow my lungs out and filled it with laughing gas aint a life worth living. If my man can make me die laughing, its' all worthwhile because I know I had the last laugh!

I also like to date attractive men. If I am going to be stuck with you for 50 years, it helps if you are someone I can stand looking at for 50 years x 365 days x (possible) 24 hours. If also helps if you have nice and straight orthodontic teeth like mine so when I lean forward to kiss you, my brains would not go hay-wire making jokes out of your teeth that I would just fall backwards laughing like a maniac. tall, dark and handsome definitely fits the description.

Truth be told, it is no longer about perfection, but one of compatibility. I've learned to love and appreciate all that comes with it after years of being in a complacent state of a rusty relationship, and I've decided to commit and put all the years of learning and hard work into a single person. He must be special in the sense that he offers what my previous relationships couldn't. he becomes a conglomeration of everything I've learned about what I want in a significant other, and though he might not be perfect, he is perfection in my eyes.

So come this Valentine, I will be the cream filing and you be the nuts and we both can be the chocoluts! life will be too depressing when you cannot hope and you don't have a little faith....

Compromising situation

Valentine’s Day is coming up, so it’s very likely that love and relationships will be on many peoples’ minds over the next few days. While driving to work the other day I was listening to a whole array of love songs being played on air and I thought about the dynamics of long-term relationships. how love songs often don't really sing the 'truth' about relationships. all the mushy lines sometimes contradicts the various disputes that inevitably arise between partners, such as putting up with annoying habits, adjusting to mood swings, and dealing with personality changes.span >

The dentist once told me that the foundation for a successful relationship is the willingness to compromise. He said that love is quid pro quo, in that you have to give in to a relationship if you want to receive anything from it. This discussion was polarizing for me because it made me feel enlightened and disheartened at the same time. I was enlightened because I’ve never heard of the term “quid pro quo” before, and I always enjoy learning new terms. But, I was disheartened because I disagreed with about 97% of what was discussed.Maybe I’m just an old-fashioned kind of girl, but it bothers me that people think of love as some type of give-and-take business transaction.

I’m uncomfortable that people participate in relationships because they know they will get something in return (usually someone to go to the movies and eat dinner with), and at the same time claim that they are in love. I hate that long-term relationships are often based on compromise because compromise, to me, seems contradictory to what a relationship should be about.

It is my belief that you should love the person you love because they don’t make you compromise who you are.

They should appreciate you for everything that you are already. Because of this, compromise might be the worst thing that can happen in a loving relationship. Compromise might make your relationship last longer in time, but it has no bearing on whether or not you really love someone. A relationship based on compromise is really a relationship based on the insecurity of being alone.

I am not anti-relationship. I can certainly understand the desire to have the security and companionship that comes along with being in a relationship. However, no one is owed or entitled to a fantastical romance. This may sound defeatist, but it is true.

There is a difference between being in love and being in a relationship. It seems to me that people stay in relationships because of the way it makes them feel, and they’ll compromise as much as they can to stay in those relationships. But, in and of itself, love is a selfless emotion whose essence is appreciated by giving it. Because of this, you really shouldn’t expect anything from the person you love, because that person can also take it away. If you expect to receive love, then you should be prepared to lose it. And if that happens, you will be sad, and it will be your own fault.

Ultimately, the only person who can ever give you what you want is your own self. Being in love just makes life a little more meaningful and that is its own reward.But what the hell do I know? My history includes numerous complicated love stories and being dumped by the person I love. I’m certainly not an expert, and I’m sure many people will disagree with me. But what do any of us know? All I know is that the key to a “successful” long-term relationship might be compromise (quid pro quo), but the key to a meaningful relationship is love. I’ve begun to realize that those two aren’t necessarily the same thing.