Something borrowed

Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone. Like a season, it comes as quickly as it goes, golden leaves replaced by white sheets of snow overnight. 3 months in a year is how long you've got.

Last night, he read those words from the notebook to me.."So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out."

"What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt", I whimpered

"Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?" he asked..

I want:

1.) An Ikea bedroom

2.) A holiday in Mauritius

3.) A bottomless bank account

4.) A love that will last

I don't want a just a memory

give me forever

Don't even think about saying good-bye

'Cause I want just one love to be enough

And remain in my heart till I die

So call me romantic

Oh I guess that's so

There's something more that you oughta know

I'll never leave you

So don't even ask

I want a love that will last

Gap year in Asia

I'm nearing in to the "third trimester" of my chambering period. Another 3 months and I am going to throw in the towel and take a break, at least for awhile - to breathe, recuperate and to rot. During the past 6 months I have discover much to my horror of horrors that law school had 'failed' to teach me a few essential-must-know-to-be-a-lawyer, that is, the patience to wait in court, the stamina to cope with crazy work hours and that law practice is not for the faint hearted. Over the last 2 weeks, I found an excuse to avoid working myself to the bones and to death. I have decided to take a 2 weeks break to teach orphans English in Beijing or Vietnam.


My top 4 (and only) reasons for choosing Beijing are:
1.) because it will be winter and I miss winter
2.) because my yellow skin will fit in perfectly
3.) because then I can go to the Great Wall
4.) because I can then visit my great great great great grand aunt

go away to some remote jungle and hibernate

I sure hope Great (x4) grandaunt lives somewhere near here

My only reason for the alternative choice of Vietnam: -
1.) John is contemplating of going there and its good to have John along to be my bodyguard, tour guide, and companion.
Then again, I might not end up teaching English as taking time-off means getting no pay and living of my bank account. I have to make sure I do not deplete my savings and bleed dry and Vietnam sure provides for a myriad of part-time jobs...

I can try agricultural science

I can try marketing

I could try aquaculture, (fishing)

Enough ramblings for today. I have taken my pre-requisite 20 minutes daily breather and now I have to go back to my mountain of work...sighhhh...

another year, another birthday!

Thank you all for such a memorable time!

A walk down memory lane

Last year, Post Bar school, pre-results and a day before my birthday, I sat in Leazes Park, on a bench in the middle of the park starring out into the lake in the middle, surrounded by emerald green grass which seemed to blanket the whole park. So, this is it, is it? It wasn't as though my life purely focused on finding a man. It wasn't. I just expected to find love, an ever after. a companionship, someone to pull around me like a person shaped duvet at night, someone to share alike with. love in its purest sense.

we met on my birthday. on a thursday morning trying to pour our minds out on math extension 1. like a story out of the pages of a teenage novel, we took flight on our virgin communication. never had we met each other nor spoken once to each other for 6months though in the same college and the same course. we were both too busy flirting out hearts out ignorant of what tangent and sin or 1.732 was. i was intringued by his sense of humour. we talked, we laughed, we giggled, and little did we know, cupid was there, somewhere, watching, waiting to shoot his arrow.

The thing is cupid, the god of love often is life messer-upper, making cute little mistakes that allow people to love in love with the wrong person.flipped the pages a little more and you come to see us sparking our romance. my hand in his pocket. us blushing like teenagers. his hand covering mine on the outside of his pocket. admittingly i was afraid, i never felt that way before, i never rushed into love, nor did i open myself to such vulnerability but that day, i let him take me on a magic carpet ride. never in a million years did i foresee us not speaking to each other again, ever. whatever drew us together, i just cannot explain. a need for companionship, a need for kinship, the attraction, it all felt real and put together it was too palpable and too comfortable to resist. and so it began. midnight chats, longing stares into each other eyes, silly antiques, and lotsa study sessions. when seperated by an ocean and living in different time zone, we opined our life on long distance phone calls, texts and emails. over the years, we accumulated an ocean of tears, a jar of heartbreaks, and a few albums of bitter sweet memories - the 18th floor hideaway, the lift rides and the kissing of phone booths. we pour our insight to each other. convinced we were soul mates, delivered from romance and riding on the cupid effect. we made pacts and covenants only for them to bind us so close in a haze of made believes.

often i have to hold myself against the edge of reality when i realised, i was falling too deep, too deep. we metamorphosis into each other's personality. like osmosis, too much of something in each of us seeped through our pores to the other. it was scary yet exciting. i began to live vicariously through him and he started to pull at the harp strings of my heart. I was too distracted by the melodious music playing that i failed to hear beyond the reality call. what i thought about love wasn't meant to be like this. you don't think a love filled with so much passion will turn out like this. and i don't know how to get out. i don't know how to walk out on a life. i just don't know how. i never worked out how to leave someone who was destroying my soul. or rather i never had the heart to pack my bags. so i ran the race but never got to finish it nor the medal.

i was constantly jumping from one heartbreak to another, mending each as hard as the past. the road to hell, perhaps? slowly it began to suck the life out of me. even the unmitigated highs and happiness of our relationship didn't make up for it. it wasn't my happiness. so it was all ended with a simple telephone call. we started to label each other, each moment, each inccidents, each year, each quarrel. love was never meant to be labelled. it was meant to be a feeling, an euphoria.

we broke the end of the bargain and lost sight of what we truly were inside out. acidic and painful. tomorrow is thursday. exactly five years down the road since that morning at the library. there will no longer be birthday surprises of a cake here or roses there. no longer the anticipation of waiting for birthday cards to arrive by the mail. it wasn't the loss of first love, the loss of grand amour, this was the loss of idea of love. this was accepting that tomorrow is a brand new beginning of historical ancient dinosaur 5 years. it marks my end of the bargain. to love myself above anyone and to grow up to be a better and wiser person. to accept there is never an ever after...i leaned back on the bench and whisper - ever thine, ever mine, ever ours - let the wind blow them away.

Do I need a man

A man or a koala?

Come this Friday, I will be a year older, a year wiser and a year closer to my quarter life crisis - given that I am blessed with a life span of 100 years. With a bright future ahead, a fabulous budding career, lovely family and a pet dog, and fiercely loyal and wickedly funny friends, I know I am way luckier than some and should be thanking my lucky stars. But as my biological clock ticks at an alarming pace, I am getting anxious by each ticking about the one thing that is missing from my otherwise peachy life - a decent man to call my own.

If it's not too much to ask the universe, I want a husband — not a boyfriend, not a lover, not even a glorious psychedelic one-night fling — but a wedding band and the Vera Wang gown of my dreams. Can my future happiness await on fate? What about lesson number one that I have read all about : If you can't learn from your past, how can you expect to move forward?

Just how far am I prepared to go to fulfill the legacy of knight in shinning armour. My mass laundry list for what befits a gallant knight who will win my love. Prince charming are a dying breed. They also no longer come in handsome white stallions but now ride in shinny metallic BMWs.

Last night after I shared my fears of having to spend eternity alone with the astronomist, he neighed so loudly on the other side of the phone I almost fell of my bed. He felt my rational sometimes was in such incongruity to my intelligence and is beginning to doubt the validity of my law degree. How can an elite educated girl like me be disquietude over finding an eligible bachelor and trying to control something as abstruse as fate, he asked. Its like playing God, he added. It's lucid at this stage of life to get fervent over when your life partner is going to arrive...is he just late or is he never arriving, I retaliated.

His reply was simply, enjoy life now, single or attach - there are always rays of sunlight to catch even in the darkest part of the wood, like your lavender fields. His honest voice lent credence to my modern riff that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

At this moment, I hear wedding bells chiming and church Organs playing. I am treading the fuzzy lines and enjoying the honey in the milk (honey being joy and happiness and milk being life's essential), self-interest, self-preservation, contentment and passion, I am honestly aching to look at love as the sum of our choices as opposed to finding the right one. We choose the one our soul fits with and the one our soul colour matches. Not by a big bang kaboom of stars aligning but rather by careful selection. Like groceries shopping. The food that satisfy our taste buds, the washing liquid that is most fragant to our senses and the toilet rolls which are softest to our skin.

The astronomist begs to differ. He said, "at life's big fork, we either turn left or turn right. In finding love, you cannot be clouded by notions of old romantic relationship and there is no right or left to take. You hardly use your common sense. You wait. For that big lightning bolt. We leave our ideology of love to ambuigity and compromise and when that someone finally comes along, love her as your chosen one and love the one you are with." I could fell the heat on my cheeks as I blush pridefully. I am his chosen oneeeeee...ahhh..

Its no denial that I do not fully subscribe to the astronomist's school of thoughts. However, more often than not, he is right. His astounding philosophical view of life and love are the very reasons why he is that man who holds me in a special place in his heart. I don't need a man, I just need an astronomist who will read the Northern Stars and lead me straight to his warm embrace and to the one I choose to love.

p/s: thank you, A , for loving me amongst my silly agonies.

Into His loving Arms

I was palavering with John (not the baptist) 2 nights ago about his life abroad. He told me how his first few months was the toughest for him and that eventually he started to adjust to fit himself in the circumstances that God has brought him to. Just like me, John is no stranger to living abroad having studied in England before but he still had his struggles, his moments and his trials.

When I first arrived in England , I struggled to understand the native English speakers, brace the harsh winters, wait for the public transport, and the whole enchilada of living on my own. I was out of my comfort zone and it was ferreting out the incognito Britain, all by myself. Sure, we had our group of friends but we were still on constant search for home in our English house. We frantically grapple to adjust to the howling winds and sub-zero temperatures, the funny English accent and above all else, the loneliness of living abroad. We go back to a house, not a home. An empty place, an empty house, a hole inside my heart. A place where we temporary reside for our year (s) there. Even with our close-knit of friends and arrangement of weekly get together, in our hearts, in the depths of our emotions, we miss the familiarity of smiling faces, jokes, conversations, a heart-to-heart talk, family, friends and the aroma of our favourite dish. No matter how great the recipe is, the taste is never just right. No matter how heated the place is, the warmth is missing.

We are so caught up in the expectations and the whirlwind of life around us that we forget to really look at the conditions of our heart. If you want to see something in your life that you have not seen before, you have to do something that you have never done before. For me, that was living all by myself. Getting things all done by myself and waking up alone in my house, cooking in an empty place and eating in front of the tv..all alone. My heart cried out silently every moment I felt alone. I never felt so empty and for once I saw how blessed I was back home. It is alone when we are away, when we lose something that we learn how to appreciate it. It is also at that moment that we try, to find in every nook and cranny and in every way possible, to get it back, be it a person, a thing, a feeling or even God.

Its like my Prawn Mee affair. I always had Prawn Mee at my beck and call everytime I felt like eating it. I took it for granted because I know it was always there. Just a 15 mins drive away or even a phone call away. So I neglected my Prawn Mee for more glorious food. Marinated duck in tangerine sauce, Creme Brulee, Puddings, Shepherd's Pie...not just food, but heavenly food. Until I went to England of course. I was craving for Prawn Mee 2 weeks upon arrival on English land. Like a insatiable craving where I would imagine having Prawn Mee in the midst of my meals and I would lie in bed praying for God to send someone to set up a Prawn Mee stall. China Town has never heard of Prawn Mee and I searched...far and wide...No prawn mee to my despair. Mark and Spencers did an excellent job of emptying my bank account monthly with their M & S food but it could...it can NEVER replace my love for Prawn Mee.

It make sense. What we have, we take for granted. Just like God's grace and God's goodness, we neglect it and sometimes, we abuse it. He gives us the freedom to make choices because the love He has for us, was not forced on us but given to us abundantly. An Agape Love. He ask for us nothing in return but yet, look at the depths of our hearts. the mustard seed of faith that we cannot even plant in Him and we dare pray for rewards double the size of that seed.

When thrown in the wild, when in tribulations and trials..we need to seek for Him and not moan of why He puts us in that position. Seek His kingdom first and all shall be given. In the dark, search for that light. In loneliness, seek for His companionship. In despair, seek for His comfort. In confusion, seek for His wisdom.

John taught me something that night in our chatroom. Sometimes God throw us a little further from our comfort zone so we can learn to come back to Him. To know that all the fast and ferocity of the world can never replace His love for you.

Come back to His loving Arms.

To June, with love

Last June, the astronomist asked if I will miss him when he returns home to the States for summer, I shrugged, closed my eyes and walked away, whispering, "so much". He ran up beside me, sling his arms across my shoulders while we continue walking down towards the monument quietly enjoying the morning sun. I thought 'I can handle this, he being away and me staying for summer'. I let me eyes meet his crisply iron shirt while inhaling in the fresh lemony wash on it.

It was an awkward silence, both not knowing what to say and skeptical to say anything. It is always interesting hanging out with the astronomist but that day was a little different. I just held on to my womanly instinct to let the moment hang in the air like it is. For whatever reason it felt good to have someone just being there by your side while the world around you zoomed by, yet the silence was nudging at our hearts. He escorted me to the bus stop and our silence bubble was popped with sheepish smiles. He wrapped his arms around me, embracing me tightly. I just let myself snuggle in those arms. I felt him leaning to smell my freshly washed hair and mumbled in between of hair stuffed in his mouth, "summer came too early."

My public ride came and we heard our souls whimpered at it. I missed him terribly that summer he was away but with every separation comes a realisation. A dawning and a discovery of your heart's song. Last week, I received a present with a card that says, "I love everything about June". He sure knows how to strum the strings of my heart....

A girl can dream

I stumbled upon this photograph while going through some wedding photos (desperate hormones) and I can't help but feel my heart skip a beat.

I rang the astronomist squealing with excitement. He must have thought he just got a phone call from the pyshciatrict ward. I rattled about the picture and sent it to him. 2 minutes later I heard a woman with a voice that sounds distinctively like the astronomist's going, "Ohhhhhh". We both have spoken about this during our 3am chats and when we shared our dreamz with the rest at the doctors shed, the rest felt it was a corny dream. Both of us went away sulking and condemning their lack of taste for good old romantic traditions.

We have got so many wedding magazines and books to guide us nowadays on making your wedding the perfect little one and it has been long abandon the little things that we used to do that means the most. For example, for the bridgegroom to carry the bride or the lifting the veil thingy.

This is what I have been dreaming all my life of doing and I never thought anyone or for the matter any wedding would still do this. Two candles coming together to light one, uniting together to put on the life for a new beginning then blowing out the 2 candles - which refers to blowing out the old flames and now only one burning candle remain to signify 2 lights brought together to make one brighter one. Do you get it? No?! Well, as they say, a picture says a thousand words. Look at it closely and you will understand what I am trying to say.

The squeals of excitement fill the background - as we all go, dreamz can come true!!

Let Him take the Reins

A year ago, it should and could have been the most wonderful time of the year. looking forward to graduation, finally leaving behind years of slogging away in law school, a step closer to achieving a life long dream, a flight away from that 6 figure salary, and a leap of faith to a wonderous ending in long distance relationships. With a big bang twist of fate, not only I had to watch each of those being taken away from me one by one, I also had to walk on each shrapnels of those exploding dreams. i always thought i had it all, you name it, i got it. it was just all to surreal to be true but yet baby, it was happening to me. sometimes, being the placid, get-along-with-everybody and the i-had-it-all person robs me the opportunites to show grace and allow God to deal with others.

I had more questions than answers. I had sense in my head that seemed like nonsense to my heart. As children bring their broken toys wih tears for us to mend, i brought my broken dreams to God because He is my friend. But then instead of leaving Him at peace to work alone, I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own. I pace up and down, peered into it and at last snatched them back and cried, "How can you be so slow?". "My child," He said, "What could I do..you never did let go."

It goes without saying that words leave a scar deeper than a sword. I would love to go to Him and say, Fix me. I've got an hour. Unfortunately, no pill or prayer can work that way. We all try very hard to keep watch of our image so as not to let it ruin our reputation. However, no matter how hard we try to clothe the wolf in fleas fleece, it can never be a sheep. It is the inside that counts. truly. what if, there is no daintiness and sophistication to start of with? so what's there to really keep you in sync to speak 'properly' and be civilised? A person who doesn't have character protecting his talent shatter dreams, hurt people and lose possibilities. No matter how brilliant a man may be, how gently they try to speak, how smart he is dressed up in, if his character is flawed, his words will still breed distrust no matter how gentle and everything he does will be perceived as manupulative.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, where am i to begin? I chillax with Him. I sit back and file my nails watch him mould my character and fix my dreams. I give him time and be patience myself. Let Him do his Jedi-trick-magic. what a man is, survives him and that is what make a lasting difference.

kind words won't come cascading out of your mouth like a waterfall until your heart is a wellspring of kindness. Unsafe people has a heart that is build up with a core of selfishness. It tends to put its own interest and its own feelings before others. So, some speak what their heart feels. Horrible, but who cares? Betrayal is the iceberg that sinks friendship. But yet, like they care. As long as it doesn't sink their life. that's how unsafe people operate. they are a little like the stepford's people. perfect on the outside but lacking empathy on the inside.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When you chillax with God, you must know how to just sit back and watch. It is like a friday night with God, eating popcorns and watching a film on tv. as much as you want to punch the guy who cheated on his girlfriend, you know God is sitting there beside you, watching too. Let Him take rein of the remote control and switch channels for you. You just got to stop jumping up and down the sofa and watch Yoda saber off the tongues unsafe people OUT of your life.

Forgive me for my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense.

Momentos of Graduation 2008

I am unwritten, can't read my mind,

I'm undefined

I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines

We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your innovations

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Imaginations and beyond

Thank God its Friday! The week has come to an end and I am looking forward to my durian feast outing with the FIL and to chillax in front of the idiot box. I try hard not to think of what next week brings. Live in the present and let tomorrow worry about itself. Last night, I 'tortured' myself into playing out how the durian outing might turn out.

Thought 1 : Durian dropping on my head
Thought 2 : burp and fart smelling like durian
Thought 3: Mozzie bites
Thought 4: Not making back alive from durian feast outing
Thought 5: FIL abandoning me in the orchard

The imagination is every human's most powerful tool. Without wisdom, imagination is a cruel task-master. We like to think the worse, imagine the horrible and wait in doom for armageddon. We are designed to live in the present but most of the time, we spend our time, living in the past or the future. I spend a big piece in the past but most of the time I am trying to figure out the future. It's good to travel to the past ONCE in awhile, to learn from it and much can be remembered. But like most visits, it should not be prolonged to an extended stay. When your visa expires, you became an illegal immigrant in the past. My thoughts of the future is often dictated by fear and worry. I become enslave to fretting about the small stuff, the minuate things and others which I have no control of. And most of the time, my imagination of the future is void of God. Imagined fears that is projected to the future because I want to have control and try to play God.

Rick Warren said :
“Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.”

Let tomorrow's durian feasting session be in God's hands. I trust He will not let me suffer a concussion from the thorny fruit nor allow my bowels to embarass me in front of the FIL.

Communication lines

I bumped into my Sunday date and his parents this afternoon during lunch. Doesn't this guy has to work?!! Oh it's lunch time, my intelligence finally spoke. So talk about serendipity - Ahh, it makes me heart flutters a little. God finally, FINALLY is turning my kismet around. A girl is allow to dream. Since I was alone, he invited me to join the 3 of them. I was reluctant at first because 1.) I am too shy; 2.) it feels awkward and 3.) I eat very very slow. However after some cajoling I acquiesced and settled down into the seat next to him, ordered my food and subjected myself to an hour of impromptu interview for position of the date's family's future daughter in law.

Besides checking my vital statistics and making mental checks of my potential in bearing them a healthy grandson, they are very, and I mean it truly from the bottom of my heart, lovely folks. His mum's eyes twinkle and light up everytime she smiles and his dad has a hearty laugh and deep voice that reminds me so much of Santa. It felt a little like the holiday season being around them. my "future-in-laws" (FIL) were two goodlooking couple. Warmth and sweet. I noticed how "future-daddy-in-law" will put his hands over "future-mummy-in-law" once in awhile and give it a gentle squeeze. Signs of a healthy and loving relationship! exactly what I am looking for in my own relationship. Even when I am 60, wrinkly with yellow teeth and snowy white hair, hubby will still hold my hand, look into my eyes and tell me, I still look 21 and more beautiful than he can ever remember. Evergreen in his eyes. A girl can dream...she sure can! I am delirious.

Communication is vital in every relationship. Toss in the nice car he drives and the charming smile, I am going back for sure to pray for God's blessings to walk down the Aisle. I have always been weary and on red alert in my previous relationship. Sure, we talked, we laughed and we shared except we didn't communicate. I try very hard not to play the blame game when it all ended but it was very hard to share your fears, your dreams, your hopes with someone whom you cannot trust, who isn't truthful, who isn't communicating with me. Simply put, communication breaks down over 2 oceans and 3 thousand miles. I only discover many things too late. To be able to open up with someone, I believe you have to trust the other person. And to know you are loved by the other, then only you can trust. If you don't know God loves you, how can you trust in Him that the best is reserve for you? And if you don't trust Him, why even bother trying to communicate with him? Then when communication lines are cut out, there is no relationship to brag about. period.

During one of our numerous chat sessions, I discovered the Date has read the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. Discovery channel is amazing!! So not only does he speak the Queen's English, he can speak my love language too. I am too opinionated and outspoken for a girl sometimes. The closet american used to snicker at me, " A woman has a 25000 word limit per day. You have 300000". Its good to have a sparring partner at times. No, I am not a fight picker. It is just healthy debate, mind bogging questions and constructive bantering. Something I enjoyed with the Date - I can be myself. Not having to try too hard, not getting tongue-tie, no twirling of my hair, no false pretense and above all else, no need to be afraid.

The Date shared a profound thought with me last sunday which I forgot to mention, he said, "sometimes, no one is right or wrong. just speak the truth with love and grace and seek always to reconcile, never to burn bridges".

Maybe that's why I am agreeing to join the FIL for a durian feast outing this weekend...maybe I just want to try to cross the bridge this time with a little more faith.

Another Wednesday

Last night over Pizza and spaghetti, I shared with the Wednesdays about my firm's horror stories. the ghastly truth on how they enslave my intelligence and naivety to get things done within 24 hours. Even wonderwoman has off days. I don't. I still work on weekdays. So all the stories of how God created the world in 6 days and rest on the 7th day...doesn't seem to apply post-adam-ate-the-apple-sin-fall. The 5.30pm man suggested I take my horror stories to lodge a complain with the Bar Committee. He is the 5.30pm man because, as the name clearly suggest, he leaves work, 5.30 sharp. Any one minute more is overtime!! Horror 101.

I have never and i repeat never -left work at exactly 6 sharp. When it happens, it must be the day I quit my job. Then again, in this economic downturn, I should be grateful that I am working to the core of my bones and filling up my bank account. I should also be thankful I was offered employment in a prestigious firm a week after returning from England. My fair english glow must have been alluring. Hopefully, Baker & McKenzie in HongKong will treat me kinder when the great move happens. HongKong here I come..!! Whee!! So albeit all the complaints I have brewing inside me and the numerous letters I have typed and saved in word doc, I still count my blessings . The astronomist has been posted for his internship there for 6 months already and he is loving every bit of the chinese island. I take his words for the gospel and trust that when its my turn there, I too, will love every bit it. So I will start stocking up on the "I love Hongkong T-shirts"!! They say lawyers earn the greens, they never see how green we turn with the mountain of work we have. All the perceptions and false notions outsiders are lure into believing...a tinge of ignorance. We are afterall in a profession that is famously known for their habitual liars.

Thanks to the Wednesdays, Raksasa menentang Makluk Asing (a.k.a Monster Vs Alien) was a smashing movie. As the Wednesdays' motto is - we are halfway there. We are halfway of the week, halfway to insanity and halfway through the year. Its June again. The month of the year. My month of the year to be exact. Life is easier to be comprehend when we compartmentalise it. Split it up to months, weeks and days. That way, I feel less overwhelmed by 365 days...true, there are ups and downs but like I always say, the journey to the other side of the rainbow is a long and winding journey. Rainy days are for us to dance in the rain!!

let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder

don't you know the hardest part is over

let it in,

let your clarity define you

in the end

we will only just remember

how it feels

our lives are made

in these small hours

these little wonders,

these twists & turns of fate

time falls away,

but these small hours,

these small hours still remain

let it slide,

let your troubles fall behind you

let it shine

until you feel it all around you

and i don't mind if it's me

you need to turn to

we'll get by,

it's the heart that really matters in the end

Our Last Summer

Munchkin, as promised, our last summer - 21/6/2008

The summer air was soft and warm
The feeling right, the Newcastle night
Did its best to please us

And strolling down the Northumberland

We had a drink in each cafe

And you You talked of politics, philosophy and

I Smiled like Mona Lisa

We had our chance

It was a fine and true romance

I can still recall our last summer
I still see it all
Walks along the Tyne, laughing in the rain
Our last summer
Memories that remain
We made our way along the Tyne

And we sat down in the grass

By the Newcastle tower

I was so happy we had met

It was the age of no regret

Oh yes

Those crazy years,

that was the time

Of the flower-power

But underneath we had a fear of flying

Of getting old, a fear of slowly dying

We took the chance Like we were dancing our last dance

I can still recall our last summer

I still see it all
In the tourist jam,

round the River Bend

Our last summer
Walking hand in hand
Newcastle restaurants

Our last summer Morning croissants

Living for the day, worries far away

Our last summer

We could laugh and play

And now you're working as a scientist

The man that I miss, a violinist

And your name is Munchkin
How dull it seems
Yet you're the hero of my dream

My summer hot date

When the rain comes and the thunder crackle, I am the happiest. I love a stormy day and how the world is saturated with wetness, gloominess and the sky is coloured in purple and grey. It hasn't been raining for a week and I am beginning to retreat in sorrow. Perspiring under the summer sun and the heat burns into the depths on my clothing.

I am tempted to do a rain dance and offer up my pet iguana as peace offering to appease the Rain Gods. In fact, I am on the brink of doing just anything for rain to come...I feel like a hippopotamus in the heat of the Sahara, looking for my waterhole to bathe, roll and fornicate. I may even consider as a hippopotamus to copulate with a rhinoceros (which is in fact an insult to my species as hippos are considered to be a higher casts of waterhole mammals) if only rain will come.

I spent the last few days on hot steamy dates. Literally. Blame it on the no-rain-disappointment. There was no chance to huddle together under the umbrella, no excuse to grab my date's arm in fear of slipping on the sleek pavements, no droplets of rain to catch and no refraction of two people oblivious to the spherical gaze of others. I was late for my 1st date. Thanks to the big red shinny ball in the sky my driving was at a turtle speed of 25km/h. The heat slacken my brain activity causing my nerve motors to react slower. It takes 15 seconds longer to compute "turn left" which translate to mean hit the left signal, view the left mirror and steer the wheel left. I explained all these in one breath to my date, punctuating each sentence with a sincere apology, flushed from the heat and rashing secretly in unknown places only to have him laugh at me and pulled me a seat. Afraid I would faint from my rattling presumably. Mentally, I ticked of one of my date-criteria boxes, i.e. a man who pulls out a seat for me. I am a sucker for Jane Austen's gentlemanly manners.

I ordered my chai tea and as usual got into a 10 minutes debate and/or lecture with the Barista on how to serve my chai tea - iced in a paper cup. Another reason why I dislike sunny days. It doesn't make me any cheerier it is also causing my date to think I am a raving lunatic with an obsession with getting into a repartee with everyone. When we finally sat down and bored each other with our biographies....burble on our preceding weeks, I was just blithesome that that air conditioning was free in Starbucks. The date has just returned from a trip to Japan. Santa is early this year. The date vellicated a little bag and poured little souvenirs from Japan all over our brown table..mostly the cute straight fringe Kimono Dolls. He must have expected me to clap with glee like a 5 year old at the sight of these Fuji mountain of souvenirs. But I was too precocious and just beamed with gratitude on his kind thoughts. I was also too polite to tell him that I was not into kawaii Japanese dolls so I stuff all his precious Dolls into my bag, feeling a tad conscious I was at risks of looking like a customer in a buffet restaurant pocketing food into her bag.

His phone chimed. It was his best friend in Kansas who was curious how my date's date look like. He wanted a picture. I happily obliged and allowed my date to take one of my mortified faces with his left hand forming a peace sign beside my cheek. Japan is bad influence. In less than a week, my date has morphed into this retarded peace-sign-poser. Moments later, his phone beeped. It was his best friend's reply signing his approval for me as date. Since when have I become a SIRIM product in need of QC by a best friend who is 3 thousand miles away? I never much believed in the need of being best friends with my date/potential boyfriend/future husband's best friend. His friends were his friends..mine remained mine. I draw a clear line so when war rages, I have my own army and he has his soldiers. No recruiting from either side. Fair. May the best man wins! But this one was an exception. His best friend was cute. And I mean hunky-adoring-pleasing-to-the-eyes-good-looking. (the wonders of facebook) I was in a hurry to be his best friend too.

Time flies when cute guys are centered in conversations. though my heart didn't flutter nor did my tummy did a somersault, I had a whale of a time laughing till my jaws ache. There was no cliché of drowning into each other's gaze but it was pleasant. A date I would look forward to hang out with again. Someone I would like to know better. Maybe someone my heart can grow to love but it is all too early to tell. I am just contended I would be adding him to my 999 friends list, making him the 1000th person who is stepping into my life. Someone whom my heart may allow to leave a footprint. A memory to capture, a friendship to grow and a love to blossom. If it's all in God's plan, maybe, definitely - I can love again.

I drove the 20 minutes ride home in bliss. Rain or no rain, my heart was filled with ecstasy. I wondered how it is for you over there. I doubt you were as happy as I was that day. You never understood the magic of simple things in life. You always thought I was being too meticulous on trivial things, too much of an over analyzer on things. True, little things matter. But you didn't hold on till the end to see what awaits...you never will understand. I am delighted that I did not cancel my date otherwise I would not have experienced the joy of knowing - love can be found even in the things least expected. It was not perfect but it was enough for me.

When I reached home, petals of raindrops started to fall on my windshield slowly building up a rhythmic tapping.

The things least expected always comes last. God always save the best for last.

Underneath it all

We all have our own alter-ego. Some has one, some has a myriad. Undeniably, alter-ego allows us to mingle and ka-jingle with more people as everyone is made out of different genes, chromosomes and mould in different environment and mature into a variety of attitudes and characters. We all need and have an alter-ego to fit into this society of crazy lunatics. I have mine. If I can truly be myself all the time, my workplace will be topsy turvy. I would have been fired 5 months ago as all my work will be labelled "tomorrow, one more day, 2 more weeks" and bold with procrastination. I won't be able to hold myself up as someone astute and stoic as my profession seem to suggest. wig and funny hair, barristers have carve a notion among the society as boring, tight-ass, pompous and no fun. I am no fun. honest. brownie swear. that is before 6.

The real me, is the one you see after 6. Underneath the blazer and smart shirt, is milky skin and is just me...t-shirt and shorts, quirky and fun. I like to see myself as someone who doesn't take life seriously. Someone who has little thoughts and opinions..a blonde. Laid back and ignorant of the Roland Garros hotties, F1's MacLaren who is tortoise points behind BMW, and the political satire of Obama and Hillary. But not everyone can accept all of me. With some, they gasps in horror (with their bottom lips almost kissing the floor) that I am so outspoken on my sexuality. With others, they embrace my sexual repartee with open arms and stiffen "tools". talk is cheap. It means nothing more until put to action. I can talk about the cow's udder till they moo back home and the farmer wouldn't even give a two hoots - as long as I don't start milking for milk.

The real me likes to be frank and honest. No need to sugarcoat, no need to pretend. But the world see apple-polishing as vital and important like shag buddies brushing your teeth twice a day if you want to prevent tooth decay. Gentle words, fake white sparkling smiles, and rah-rah cheerleadering behind every good and evil makes you a best bud, a model employee, an ideal partner and most of all - a promise of 999 friends on facebook. Everyone wants a piece of you. To hear you, to melt in your smile, and to be polished by you so they can shine and gleam like diamonds. But what apple polisher gives are temporary shine. A momentary limelight and a short-lived boast. Worse still, you carry with you an all star attitude when all around you, people snigger at your words, your actions and your thoughts. You are too blinded by the sparkling smile of the apple polisher and not to mention your own ego-shine to notice the neon light blinking somewhere out there that says " the ultimate truth ". No need to hear the harsh words, the criticism, the things you dread to hear most, to see the war-torn battle field, the pain of piercing words and your own true reflection.

I have met too many apple polishers to last me a lifetime. I am definitely safe from the doctors and psychiatrist. An apple polisher a day keeps the dagger away. Underneath the apple polisher is an agenda of his own. The things they do and say to keep you close as bosom friends. Lure you with their flesh and when you are close enough, snuff you to death, suffocate you in between the clevage of their bosoms their lies and deceit. I failed the first interview for the position of apple polisher. In my resume, I listed my dislikes and amongst them is 'dislike pretentious people'. The world is filled with gazillions of people who say the nicest things, never the darnest, but always the right words to push your buttons. I am afraid of these people. When I was told the human heart is the most lethal poison in the world - i cannot agree more.

Underneath me all, I only want to be myself. Never having to confine to the standards that the world has set for my generation of peers. To go to graduate school, to have 999 friends on facebook, to be popular, to be in a ideal relationship, to have the dream job, the dream home, the swiss bank account and to look like Kristen Kreuk or Ziyi Zhang. I am tired of people "pretending" and having to proof to the world..screaming, check me out, 1.) I travelled europe when I was 21 2.) I am deeply in love with the nicest man on Earth and 3.) I am a member of the prestigious Lincoln's Inn. Underneath all the glamorous profiles there lies the truth beneath : - 1.) they cry themselves to bed everynight, 2.) they glee at their 999 friends and popularity and 3.) they have no redeeming qualities.

Isit so hard to be honest? To be completely bare naked with your words and you can still say the nicest thing without having to pretend and deceived...right? I am a boring person. I agree. What's life afterall without a little spice? The world cannot function without a white lie. When a man tells me, I lie because I care for you and do not want to hurt you, I send him to f star star k himself. If he can't respect me enough to be honest, he doesn't deserve my honesty and my respect either. No need to pretend. Wipe the slate clean.

what happen to the REAL life they once had? What's underneath it all?How far will some take their alter ego that their completely altered themselves, inside out? *shudder shudder*