Moaning Moanday

How can something feels so right and yet be wrong?

Countless times I have rejected the astronomist's opinion about things in life. I wanted to do things my way. Write my own story, route my own map and choose my own path. Once I have decided on it...no one can stop me, even God doesn't stop me, who is the astronomist to stop me..I felt. I have made a few mistakes of my own. tried to be the author of my own fate and ended up all heart broken. Walk a lonely path that was ridden with poison ivy and stung myself on the nettles, regretting a few choices. Matthew wrote, "Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial". He who sits on the Throne sees everything, allows everything but respecting my decisions in life does not necessarily mean he accepts my decisions.

I have a tendency to hum in my head. Whenever I am in a Parlimentary debate with the gang, I hum Amazing Grace to remind myself that God's Grace is soooo amazing that there is nothing in this world that He cannot overcome. When I was asked to advise Bob (whom I have yet to scribble about...coming to the post near you!) on his falling out of love situation, I hummed South Park famous theme song in my head and go on to preach the love gospel to him. He rang a few times asking for ways to cure his insomnia (as I was then in his eyes a love doctor) and I sent him to roll in a field of lavenders.

Everytime I sent him away, I felt something nudge me inside. A tugging at my heart. A slight contrition. So I rang him back one day and told him, 'Let conscience be your guide. As long as your conscience is grounded in God's word, all sleepless nights will turn to be dreamy nights.' Having failed to develop, protect, and live by a conscience grounded in God's Word, I have seen Bob, and even myself end up spiritually shipwrecked. If God's word says something is wrong, it's wrong; no matter how right it feels! So for Bob, it was wrong to commit adultery and yet he did it because it feel right, because he has fallen out of love with his Jamie Oliver and it certainly felt alright to seek love in someone else. For me, God's narrow path is not ideal for my fast and furious Tokyo Drift.

When the ultimate arbiter of your choices and actions is 'feelings,' the winds of temptation, compromise and comfort will sweep you off course and you will end up in shipwrecked. When we want to do our own thing and go our own way, we tend to justify it by saying, 'If it feels so right how can it be wrong?'. Picture this: a fine sea-going vessel lies shattered on the rocks because it got off course.

How often do we make premature calls on our own based on our feelings that it is the right thing to do? Don't we feel guilty and yet we still go to God to INFORM Him of our decisions? If we all had held on to faith and a good conscience - a conscience grounded in God's Word, there will be less lifeline calls. Someone once told me, love, hope and faith is the captain of all ships that can help you brace the storms and rough seas. Lose one and you may end up shipwrecked.

On the Road 101

there are as many types of drivers on the road as there are shades of colors. me? i'm a sleeper. driving, to me, has become a bore. it's only been 5 years since i've been driving, but i think i lost interest the year after i got my license. i now loathe driving with a passion. i recommend we make a few adjustments to enhance the quality of life and give driving a new appeal:

take out the yellow lights in stop lights. who needs them anyways? you're either gonna go or you're not. no need for fence sitters here. as yoda said, do or do not, there is no try. besides, it'll give those boring, old-hat green lights new meaning. you'll never know when it'll turn red. young hearts will beat faster. old people will have heart attacks. intersections will be serenaded by the screeching of tires. what could be better?

road rage should be released in special "fight areas" on the sides of roads. like those "scenic area" designations, drivers should have a place to engage in fist fights on the side of the road. it'll be a great outlet for stress and save the potential property damage. lawyers on hand would provide legal advice in each fighter's corner in-between rounds.

car accidents should be broadcasted on digital screens throughout roadways. human nature is curious, why resist it? instead of creating huge "rubbernecking" delays, why not encourage curiosity and move traffic along. sports commentators could commentate what's going on and what went on during the accident: oh my god! i think i see an arm! yes, yes... YES!! ladies and gents, we have a severed arm!! drivers would have to drive to the next screen to find out and see what happens next. curiosity would cause traffic to flow more smoothly and quickly.

lanes on roads should be more creative. straight lines may be more efficient, but curves are more fun to drive. every highway would become like a car commercial. cars cornering all the way down the road. inebriated drivers would fit right in and feel more comfortable. in addition, obstacles, such as those in super mario kart, could even be place in random areas to keep drivers alert. stay alert, stay alive.

what's the deal with those "baby on board" yield signs people stick on their windows? is that supposed to make me drive more carefully? am i supposed to be extra-cautioned when driving around a car marked as such? honestly, it really isn't of any consequence to me. maybe i'm evil, but i couldn't care less. i think those signs do the exact opposite. instead of paying extra attention to the road, people are peering inside your car to check out that cute, little baby. personally, i'd just be checking to see if it was really "on board", you lying sack-of-shit.

if people really want drivers to be more wary and cautious when driving around them, i recommend posting large signs that read "nuclear weapons on board" or "car bomb inside". these signs convey a more effective message - they concern the well-being of others. i could almost guarantee hassle-free driving.

car courage... its a funny thing. ever notice how people become more aggressive and confident in their cars? sweet little girls become bitches: cutting people off, aggressively maneuvering around traffic, generously utilizing "the finger". i find that strange. i lack this "car courage". maybe it's because i drive a geo prizm and your grandma's go-cart probably gets more horsepower than my engine.

i do have "passenger-seat courage" though. i find myself becoming extremely ballsy when sitting in the passenger seat of another's car. maybe its the lack of responsibility i wield, or the comfort of being in the hands of someone else. every time i find myself in the passenger seat, i become a complete jerk to those sitting in other cars. staring into their cars, being all up in their business, making grotesque faces. sometimes i even mouth off a few dirty, derogatory slangs. the kids love it - i do it for the kids.

apparently, tinted windows are in. all of my friends are tinting their windows. its strange, though. they're not tinting all of their windows: just the one i sit at. weird.

Unfailing love

A flute of wine, 3 cups of vodka and a couple sips of beer is a combination that spells massive hang over. it also substracts inhibitions and rational and brings out an equation of a devilish you and uncock your opaque bottle of emotions. I am never for one who swears by that concoction for a weekend night out but I will make an exception when my girlfriend of 17 years celebrates her birthday bash. Now, I wish I had stuck by the general rule. We all make mistakes we wish we could wipe out, erase or even correct but by doing so, we are just losing a great teacher. There is always a lesson, always a reason and always an explanation.

While some drunks find themselves doing the walk of shame, I find myself facing the silly English wannabe in me. I was childish enough to let my feelings show. Rained on my own pride and cried the tears I held on to for so long. I never knew I had in me such depth of love for the Astronomist. I always live on the edge in this relationship. Careful not to fall into the ravine. Never expecting and always preparing for the worse. One cheating bastard was enough to leave a scar so deep that I knew, I can not handle another disappointment, another betrayal and another broken promise. I learnt how to be precarious and to give less. When the Astronomist and I said our final goodbyes last December, I held back all tears. Indignant. Resilient and resolute not to let a tear roll. I forgot how to be human. I denied the emotions which were part and parcel of being flesh and blood.

If it wasn't for the combination of lethal fluids, I wouldn't then know that I do feel alone inside. That there is an emptiness exploding in me. Deep down, I have secretly yearn that the Astronomist would have chose to give up his glamarous ER career for me, the June he loves everything about. Except he didn't. He left....and I miss him so much that my heart cracked into thin lines I did not notice. All that phone calls, e-mails, letters, postcards and greeting cards can never make up for the lost of his physical presence. He was perfect in every sense as a penpal but he couldn't quite make up for his absence as the man in my life. I caught myself offguard when I threw my first anger at him. I have never done that. Ever with him. And I did. My defense of intoxication doesn't hold well with the jury. My veins were flooded with alcohol and my mind was swirling but hell, I shouldn't have dial that number.

The phone call that came the morning after was a relief. I expected the opposite of love from him after all that shelling and tears. I heard the nervous whisper of hello in his voice and my heart melted. I was overriden with guilt and painted with shame. Apologies flowed in every language I know. Contriteness tumbled out of my mouth and my 'morning after' rational begged for his understanding. My head never stopped throbbing. It was like someone took up residence in my brain and its now pounding on the walls to get out. The Astronomist lived up to the position of man I put on a pedestal. Tell me that I am still special even though I had been snow queen to him the night before. Renew his vows of through thick and thin, for better and worse. Reassured that he still loves me the same. He saw the depths of my heart but he still love me the same. He is truly amazing...I do not know what I've done to deserve you Andy but of all the things I have done wrong, I must have done something right. Thank you for being you.

The explanation: I am only Human with emotions

The Reason: Losing my inhibitions

The Lesson: Stick to one flute of wine. Period.

Pixels in the Sun

In March, I scribbled about my weekend gateaway, titled, seasons in the sun. Here's a sneak peek to the little colourful album of megapixels fun I had.

Reflections

Say Arghhh!!

Beauties in the eye of the Beholder

The Beach babes

Adam and his angels

Miserably unfrench

I was there

I caught the musical Les Miserables when I was traipsing in London. I debated with the Astronomist for 10 whole minutes on how to pronounce this miserable french word before embarassing myself trying to buy two tickets for us at the counter.

Me: less miserable-less
He: it's Lee Mee Zeerab
Me: Huh? why so difficult wan..leh mah mee sedap serap?!!
He: You really need to dig your ear...not mee sedap or mee goreng la..its Meezerab. you've gotta say it quickly.
Me: I am freezing..SEE my teeth are clattering, (*clatter clatter clatter*) its' impairing my pronounsee-a-shawn
He: Its french. speak it like the french. they like to join all they syllabus together.
Me: I am Chinese. I will say it the Chinese way. Less Miss-a-rabbless
He: yeah..i miss your ramblings. *grins*
Me: I-diot. Now I am lost in translation..aiyo..just go watch la

At the ticket counter:
Me: Two tickets for Less Miserabless
Ticket guy: Wot''s dat, Love?
Me: Erm...the musical which is showing now.. that french one? *looks innocent*
Ticket guy: Wots the name, love?
He: *and when a hero comes along* Lay Mizerabh for two please.
Ticket guy: Ai, two tickets for Lay Mizerabh *grins at me*

It was quite an alright musical but I didn't like it as much as I enjoyed Lion King or Phantom of the Opera. Victor Hugo ( the man who wrote the novel) is an amazing writer who articulately piece together the nature of law and grace that evolve around life and it very much entails the centuries old of France history, architecture, culture, justice, religion and moral principles. A man who wrote in such great length of a convict, Jean Valjean and his journey through life and its bitterness. However, it was too much for me to comprehend it all. I must also be tone deaf as I didn't quite like all that singing. or maybe (a) I prefer masked man singing. or (b) maybe singing animals were a tad more interesting or..(c) just maybe, I wasn't french enough to understand the miserable-ness of it all..

10 reasons why I should not work

1.) unearthly waking hours - all the talk about early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy and wise is a whole load of hobo that hardly anyone practices anymore. so hell with waking up at 630 for dim sum or a morning jog. my warm bed wins hand down especially on a rainy morning.

2.) sleep deprived - there can never be enough hours for sleep. 8 hours seem to fly by when I am in slumber land.

3.) inhuman working hours - we slog for more than 12 hours and our bosses still thinks we are lazy. they often forget that we are made of flesh and not steel. we run on human energy and not energizer batteries.

4.) hair loss acceleration - this is what happens with all the hair pulling.

5.) the long commute - unless you live next door to your workplace, the traffic and the long drive sometimes make you wish you have a teleport machine.

6.) little social hours - no more sitting around at starbucks for a good cuppa chai tea latte and enjoying the chit chats with your buddies.

7.) stressful dealings with crazy bosses - every day at work is like going in to a weather station. Sunny, cloudy or rainy. Rain or shine, just bring your machintosh.

8.) psychotic work environment - try a day at the psychiatrict ward and a day at the office. same environment, different name.

9.)hauntings of workload - the neverending saga of work, work, and more work.

10.) less time to find a husband - I spend so much time coop up at the office i wonder if I should actually be out there finding the one I will spend my forever with. there is so much of your life you can work...what happens when you retire?

p/s: I have to grow up, I know.

Tuesday Thoughts

"If I've been stuck in my past -- afraid of moving on, or seeking 'change' in my life -- I'll ask myself, 'Why am I scared?' 'What is it I'm so afraid of?' Is it because clinging on to what is 'known' to me represents security, and the 'unknown' represents risk? If I have fear of 'change' I have to remember to inner-reflect and see how in my past 'change' has always meant betterment and not losing.

Today I'll try to remember that often taking risks and venturing into the unknown is what brought me to many wonderful places in my past life. When I no longer fear risks, when I see change through eager anticipation, I give control back to me. I am no longer afraid but avidly looking forward to what new adventures my life may hold. "

That love affair

I was lucky to catch "The Proposal" by Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds last night. The night before Monday blues catch up. I had to make 3 rain checks with the Engineer before we finally could fit each other into our busy schedule to make time for a little catch up and movie date. As the weekend had been a saga of tumultuous shifts for the Date, I decided to heck with the Date and found a replacement in the Engineer. Its not healthy to sit at home during the weekends and feel sorry for your state of misery.

I would give two thumbs up for "The Proposal" which is a funny movie threaded with romance. Sandra Bullock played Margaret Tate, a highflyer, pushy and devilish editor with Ryan Reynolds, a.k.a. Andrew Paxton as her yes-man secretary who dreams to make it big one day as an editor himself. At the risk of being deported back to Canada when her visa application to stay in the U.S. was rejected, she force her young assistant, Andrew to marry her. He grudgingly accepted it on the condition he will be promoted to editor. To sell their lie to the immigrations, both flew to Alaska to spend the weekend with Andrew's family whom Andrew has not seen for 3 years. The uphill tasks to keep up their charade and a series of comedic situation after situation eventually saw the two falling in love. I won't spoil the story for you guys who have not catch this movie and for those who already have, I am sure you will agree with me that this is one quirky movie that sends us scurrying for a tissue or two at the unexpected twist and turns.

I like to think that my love story with the Astronomist had spark in a remote place like Sitka (Alaska, baby!) where we have to endure horrendous long bumpy rides to get there and have our breath taken away by the scenery. Unfortunately, such fairytale romance is only a barethread scene in hollywood. For a poor peasant like me with no luck of being close to getting on the next plane to Alaska, I had to settle with someone who brought me to a place where I discovered, the best in me.

I still remember vividly the ride on the London eye where he astounded me with the panaromical view of London city and captivated my heart with the twinkling lights of Christmas joy. It will always etch in memory those little trips to the SPCA and the Great Osmond Children's Hospital where he was attached to. He opened my eyes to the things unseen and my heart to a love so true. Taught me more than I ever had. Showed me what love was truly about. Enveloped me in his embrace and removed the cacaphony of hustle and bustle of life from mine. Ride in silence with me and listen to the things unspoken. Endure my endless ramblings and never-ending expostulations. my pillar of strength. my rhapsody of a man. my foreign affair.

Its been awhile now since I last saw you, Andy. Watching the Proposal inspired me to force you to marry me so i can stay in england jolt my semantic memory to recall that time we say our goodbyes in Heathrow (not that you proposed and I am not implying that you should have). It was at that brief moment that caught my heart to discover that when two people fall in love, it can sometimes happen in the most unexpected way. It is a defining moment that has settled into the pieces of my heart.