A flute of wine, 3 cups of vodka and a couple sips of beer is a combination that spells massive hang over. it also substracts inhibitions and rational and brings out an equation of a devilish you and uncock your opaque bottle of emotions. I am never for one who swears by that concoction for a weekend night out but I will make an exception when my girlfriend of 17 years celebrates her birthday bash. Now, I wish I had stuck by the general rule. We all make mistakes we wish we could wipe out, erase or even correct but by doing so, we are just losing a great teacher. There is always a lesson, always a reason and always an explanation.
While some drunks find themselves doing the walk of shame, I find myself facing the silly English wannabe in me. I was childish enough to let my feelings show. Rained on my own pride and cried the tears I held on to for so long. I never knew I had in me such depth of love for the Astronomist. I always live on the edge in this relationship. Careful not to fall into the ravine. Never expecting and always preparing for the worse. One cheating bastard was enough to leave a scar so deep that I knew, I can not handle another disappointment, another betrayal and another broken promise. I learnt how to be precarious and to give less. When the Astronomist and I said our final goodbyes last December, I held back all tears. Indignant. Resilient and resolute not to let a tear roll. I forgot how to be human. I denied the emotions which were part and parcel of being flesh and blood.
If it wasn't for the combination of lethal fluids, I wouldn't then know that I do feel alone inside. That there is an emptiness exploding in me. Deep down, I have secretly yearn that the Astronomist would have chose to give up his glamarous ER career for me, the June he loves everything about. Except he didn't. He left....and I miss him so much that my heart cracked into thin lines I did not notice. All that phone calls, e-mails, letters, postcards and greeting cards can never make up for the lost of his physical presence. He was perfect in every sense as a penpal but he couldn't quite make up for his absence as the man in my life. I caught myself offguard when I threw my first anger at him. I have never done that. Ever with him. And I did. My defense of intoxication doesn't hold well with the jury. My veins were flooded with alcohol and my mind was swirling but hell, I shouldn't have dial that number.
The phone call that came the morning after was a relief. I expected the opposite of love from him after all that shelling and tears. I heard the nervous whisper of hello in his voice and my heart melted. I was overriden with guilt and painted with shame. Apologies flowed in every language I know. Contriteness tumbled out of my mouth and my 'morning after' rational begged for his understanding. My head never stopped throbbing. It was like someone took up residence in my brain and its now pounding on the walls to get out. The Astronomist lived up to the position of man I put on a pedestal. Tell me that I am still special even though I had been snow queen to him the night before. Renew his vows of through thick and thin, for better and worse. Reassured that he still loves me the same. He saw the depths of my heart but he still love me the same. He is truly amazing...I do not know what I've done to deserve you Andy but of all the things I have done wrong, I must have done something right. Thank you for being you.
The explanation: I am only Human with emotions
The Reason: Losing my inhibitions
The Lesson: Stick to one flute of wine. Period.
