My heart belongs to what's-his-face

when love is about you and him hogging the camera limelight that everyone else in the background becomes a blur


My older and wiser generations of womanly figures in the family often tell me that it is easier and better to be with someone who loves you more than you do. I am most convicted at that time that the option to be loved, to bask in all the attention and to swim in all that passion was definitely easier than loving someone who loves you less or is unsure whether he/she loves you.

But there's so much pressure in being loved. It's far from what i used to think. You start to feel guilty that you don't feel the same way. This person is feeling all these strong feelings for you and all you can do when they say "hey, I really love you, you know that right?" is "yeah, I know..." And to see the look of hurt sweep past his face as his feelings aren't reciprocated again... that's kind of tough.

Love is more than just a feeling and it is not just a feeling...

When I was less matured (ahem ahem!), I believed that love is just some disease you catch. like the occasional flu virus that goes around. when love is in the air you seem to just catch one of those you-jump-i-jump viruses. It's contagious! You can't help when you catch it, and when you do, you come down with a series of euphoric and sometimes distressing symptoms like the infamous butterflies in the stomach, light-headedness, and general inability to function, talk or act normally. you generally evolved to another species of homo sapien. But the older I get, the more I have begun to realize that love is really so much more than just a mysterious passing ailment, striking at random, and leaving you flustered (and in my case damaged) in its wake. It is, not a force of nature, but perhaps the one human emotion that separates us from nature. I remember thinking to myself during the worst moments of some of my relationships, "If only we were stuck on a deserted island together, this relationship would be so blissful." At the time I didn't realize the absurdity of this statement. Any relationship would work in the absence of outside variables. Scheduling conflicts, monetary concerns, others competing for one's attention. It's how you work through these things that truly tests the strength of your love and commitment. Love is not just a feeling. It's how committed you are when you are both faced with the obstacles that the world throws in your path. one of it being..

unbashfully declaring your love for another in a busy and noisy restuarant filled with minions who cannot understand public display of affection...

Love is sacrifice...

And that means putting the other person's happiness before your own. What would the words "I love you" mean if they didn't cost anything? I don't mean diamonds or a new car, although that often ends up being the case. In some way, shape, or form love always involves a sacrifice. Whether it be the time you spend with that person, the pride you set aside to forgive them, or some of the freedom that you had while single to be wherever you wanted with whomever or pledging your kidney and cornea to another. And not least of all, you sacrifice the possibility that you may be happier or more compatible with someone else. and that with less a kidney and no eyes to see, you can still be on cloud nine with someone out there amongst billions of potential candidates. You don't care-- because you're in love. Esentially, you are saying, "Perhaps there is someone out there that's better for me, but I don't care because I love you." Maybe that's the sacrifice that means the most.

girls with faces like that being with guys with faces like that -both are sacrificing alot, trust me!!

Love is a choice...

I guess in some ways it seems more romantic if we think of love as this irresistible force that overcomes us at it's convenience. However, you can't commit to a feeling-- you can commit to a choice. I think the older you get you begin to realize that it is so much more than just a feeling. Sure, that's a part of it, but you gotta remember that a lot of that is just adulation, infatuation, and hormones. Feelings come and go, and even the most passionate of flames will die down to a slow burn. Basing your love on just the feeling alone means that the moment that head-spinning rush is gone, so is your relationship. sad, but true. only shallow individuals who cannot hold responsibility for their own feelings will based their love on the high feeling and when someone comes along and shower them with the attention they have beend deprived, the relationship becomes a bore and nothing more than just a past.

Even if you have to make a conscious decision that you love someone, it doesn't take away from the emotion or the meaning. The feeling obviously has to be there for you to imagine that you can endure into the future with this person.

Often times when people talk about what it "means" to be in love, they're really speaking about what they think it means to be a good partner. How to develop a strong relationship and union, and not about what it means to be in love.

The meaning is in the fact that, love by it's very nature necessarily has to be a choice. How meaningful would someone's love be if they were forced into it, against their will? Would you want someone to say, "I love you, because I have no choice" ? Well, maybe that does sound pretty good... as a line in a movie. But if you get down to it, how is that any different from putting a gun to their head? People who believe that you don't have the right or ability to choose who you love end up calling you at 3am just to breathe silently on the phone, and randomly showing up at places where you happen to be.

Our concept of love has been shaped by society, shakespeare, fine art, and soapy Korean dramas. And although the child-like idealism and lofty romanticism often portrayed is a beautiful and hardly insignificant part of its essence, it's only a single facet. True love is something that grows and matures over time. It transforms itself from the doe-eyed puppy love of chlildhood, to the lust driven maelstrom of adolescence-- and finally to a mature, full acceptance of that other person as a part of your life for all their flaws and virtues. Being in love is easy because it's one thing in life you don't have to try for, to strive for, to work at. It should come naturally and effortlessly. However, to be in a "successful," enduring, permanent, relationship filled with love - that's where all the other discussion about sacrifice and priorities come in. And although it's not always as fun and carefree as a schoolboy crush or a summer fling, what you have left in the end is far more enduring, grounded, and meaningful.

a moment like this, some people wait a lifetime, for that one special kiss, it is the choices you make that allows for a moment like this to happen

p/s: thank you vjy for allowing me to borrow your pictures. your sacrifice is for the greater good of mankind..

Love is cinta

Why do all the problems that can exist in relationships seem to befall us? Why do we have to endure so many bumps and humps and never given a chance to sail a smooth journey? Why can't I be, close to you?

Do you believe in Walt's Disney happily ever after? Will good triumphant over evil in the real world of ours where the Princess do not live in far far away castle and our knight in shinning armours is just an ordinary man in the sea of extraordinary gentlemen? A simple story of love with a tablespoon of hope, a dash of romance, 2 stalks of happiness, 500grams of faith, a sprinkle of laughter and 3 litres of Tears. It may not be the ideal recipe for fairy tale love stories but it is sweet nonetheless. However, the question here is, What is the IDEAL recipe to create a Walt Disney's happily ever after? Do I dance my way into a magical ball with my glass slippers or Do I simply prick my fingers on a spinning wheel and fall into a long deep sleep till Prince Charming come along and give me a kiss? I have longed grown up and stop believing in my dusty books of romance. There is no Jamie Oliver to teach us in this world to cook up a good meal of love. A good and loving relationship must have and will sail through wild seas and roaring thunders before they reach their destination called, Port Bliss.

Well, of course, undeniably not all relationships can survive the ocean. Some will sink, some will hit the iceburg, some will lost their way, and most will never see the clear blue skies and ringing church bells awaiting at Port Bliss.

The crews on the relationship play important roles. In the whole journey to Port Bliss, they must continously give and take. There should always be understanding and as crews in this dangerous journey, they must equipped themselves with wisdom, patience and LOVE to survive. Wisdom to know when to steer clear of whirlpools and not to jeorpadise the other crew. The patience to understand the needs of the other crew, to give into some of the demands he/she may have and the possible drama(s) that may ensue in the journey. Love is above all. What is love? Knock at the door of your heart and it will let you into what is love. Love drives you to sail on in the storm, it holds back the bitterness that ensues and it hides your struggles, but most of all, its the connection that the 2 crews will need to keep on sailing.

I lacked the patience and my crew lack the wisdom. WE struggle to keep the ship afloat in storms, we fight about who should steer the wheel, we raised voices for the tiresome long journey and we ponder why it is taking us so long to reach Port Bliss. Along the way, we have throw in the towel. WE got bored the journey and we stop embracing love. Love is when we will just enjoy the simple things in this 'ship'. Listening to the lapse of waves, watching dolphins swim in the sunset, and lying next to each other counting the stars at night. If you ever feel lost in the sea and lonely at times, embrace love. Just simply come back to your heart and knock at it.

It will fill your soul with love and then you will be back on track to your Port Bliss. The church bells will ring and the birds will sing, but it is your choice, to jump ship or to endure the hardship so you can listen to the ringing and the singing together for Love is Cinta. Do not let the cumbersome journey drain out your love darling.

Finding love

First of all, you're smarter now. You spent most of your youth figuring out what you don't want in a relationship, so now you have amassed a laundry list of presumably reasonable criteria that may or may not be remotely realistic. And while you've got a clearer idea of what you don't want, what exactly it is you do want remains a mystery.

Every relationship that you've experienced has stolen a bit of your enthusiasm for the next. Your ability to trust has been slowly eroded by broken promises and callous duplicity. You have a little less to give, a little less energy, and a little less optimism. You're afraid of squandering what you have left on the wrong person. You wonder if you can love again, the way you used to-- wholehearted, and reckless. You want to love again, before you forget how. Then there's the whole awkwardness that comes along with trying to get to know someone in a semi-respectable manner. We call it dating. Navigating the logistical quandaries of when and where to meet. Trying to work things into your busy schedule. Finding that elusive element of chemistry, which if found, is fickle and temperamental at best. Once you manage to actually find time for each other, you then engage in an bizarre ritual of phone tag, text messages, and movie dates.

Always, you're asking yourself-- is it too soon? Should I kiss him/her? A second date after this one? When is the right time to call? What should I wear? Am I coming on too strong? Too passive? Will he> respect me in the morning? All for the sake of navigating the thicket of emotional brambles we have built to protect ourselves from heartbreak. And what about timing? They say timing is everything. Eligible mates are dropping off the radar left and right-- either married, in a relationship, or too busy for one. You optimistically hold out hope, that you can find someone who meets your epic requirements.

But on the off-chance you meet someone that does, are they recently out of a relationship? Too soon. Or recently into one? Too late. Or, as often is the case in this crazy world, they're on their way to somewhere in life, and don't have time to pause and notice that you're perfect together. The older you get, the smarter you get. You've learned from your mistakes and you change your behavior accordingly. We build emotional defenses and walls, and all the aggravation and formalized structure of the dating game is supposed to help us break through the fortifications we've worked so hard to put up. Maybe in the end it's not as systematic as we've gotten used to.

Maybe the reason it was easier in our younger years was because of the fact that we were innocent, and didn't know any better. We didn't automatically throw out the baby with the bathwater at the first hint of something that doesn't fit into our master plan of life and love. Maybe to find love, you need to let yourself be a little reckless and stupid.

Sarang in Gayo

What is it that attracts two people with complete different personalities, brought up in contrasting school of thoughts and most of all, from two opposite sides of the globe?

I once read that on individual is most likely to be attracted to another if the both of them resembles each other. One with the femine features and the other with the masculine feature. Similar and yet different. Put the two together and you see identical features in each other, so much so that one might think they are related. Well, then said, you will be then most likely to be attacted so someone who looks like you though you may not think so. This 'we look like each other' theory has actually be proven in many couples. My past crushes resembles me too. Some told me before that we look like brothers and sisters. He could have been my brother...he ain't heavy, he is my brother..but unfortunately, he is heavy and he is NOT my brother. So what other theories are there?

Opposite attracts. The most common words used when u meet couples with completely different personalities. Its like seeing a dog dating a cat. Why? Opposite does attract. One fulfills what the other lacks and hence, complete each other. Say, a clown dating a serious person. Dont you see the attraction? hahahah..difficult yes i agree, but the clown fills the dead serious person with some humour while the dead serious person knocks some sense of reality into that the clown.

What other attractions are there? well..there are plenty of materialistic and surealistic and bombastic reasons. You may be attracted to someone because she is pretty, dead gorgeous or he may be filthy loaded you just like the sense of money on him? There may be some other bizzare reasons out there but let's not explore to those valleys of darkness and physchoticness lah..otherwise some will develop twisted ideas and fantasies that will add up to more social problems...so..we detour..to something more ahhh...cloud nine.

Have you thought about Sarang In Gayo? No, don't need to go wikipedia that word, it simply means, perhaps love in korean. Yes, maybe the attraction to one another is perhaps love. the quivering of the lips, the pounding of the heart ( like heart attack), the butterflies and caterpillars in the stomach..is that love? is that the one thing that you have been looking for all your life but never seem to find it and now you seemed to have found it? the attraction that doesnt need you to be a rocket scientist to tell you..its your own feelings for God's sakes! Chemistry 101, one atom of oxygen plus two atoms of Hydration...yes perhaps you do need WATER afterall.

Everybody is sure to experience that moment before..the perhaps love situation. It just when and how and with who..

Forgotten ones

So often in life, we abandon the old and stale. The little things in your life that seemed to insignificant. We tend to discard the things that is most meaningful to us but never took notice of. Let's take a walk down memory lane..

Do you remember those sets of transformer toys u used to play and worship while you were young? When you grew older and enter your teenage years, transformers toys transformed to ranging hormones for girls. Your interest is how to transform yourself into the man for your dream girl. Who cares about bumblebee and optimus prime..well not until later when the transformer movies were out and u abandon that dream girl to dig out your old boxes of passion..transformer toys! cant find it anymore le..

Lets unwind back a little more to those years in college. When you cared so much about the clothes u wear, what people think about you and most importantly if whether you were in the cool gang or the nerdy gang. It was important to be accepted. Now? Brand is no longer your priority. Pasar malam clothes also can..as long as you have money to buy the new iphone or that new sports car you have been eyeing..well at least for us who has grown up and grew tired of NIKE. We now want Hugo Boss, Armani and Gucci from the local pasar malam where you can buy 3 t-shirts for RM30. Good bargain huh? nobody will know its fake..with those huge printed words on the front of your shirt screaming..check out gal, I am wearing Dolce. Do you wanna come to my (G)abanna tonight?

So what is the thing that I have abandon over the years? My light hearted self. My ability to throw a witty comeback, my ability to laugh at the silliest thing. Yes it is an ability. I forget how to laugh at the littlest thing in life. I forgot how beautiful I am when I was fun and loving. How I can shrug of the slightest comment and most of all, to take things in life at a lighter note. Every single thing became a HUGE issue. Everything is HUGO and no more KIKI LALA. I don't wanna be like that. I don't wanna grow old with that tight ass attitude. To take everything in life so seriously that I forget to live a life filled with happiness and laughter. I wanna see this world from the eyes of a child more often and not from the eyes of a 70 year old grandma. Big girls are still daddy's little girls. The world is not always at a change. It doesn't change to adapt to you. You change to adapt to the world. But when you are so caught up to make changes for the world, you will lose yourself. Just like how I lost part of me.

So, I wrote a note to myself. I am going to kick of my new ones and put on my old ones. The comfortable old shoes that I have forgotten about. The "me" that I am searching for. The "me" that I have lost over the years. smelly but fun and loving. No, that doesnt mean I am literally smelly okie..I shower with my body shop shower gel daily! It's good not to be a kacang who forgets her shell. This is the shell that kept me happy for years, why did I throw it away? Well, not everything old is good. Some old leaf(s) still has to be turn over to new leaf(s) but some old shoes are never meant to forgotten. Its meant to be worn forever..for me, its my light hearted self...what about you? What has been forgotten?

Rainbow dreams

Do you have a dream so colourful and wild that you dare not dream of? Do you fear that your dreams will only remain dreams that will leave you longing for it and craving for it? It is called the rainbow dreams because it is a dream that is beautifully beyond comprehension, a dream so sureal that you know if you ever reach it, it is the so 'clichely' known as dream come true. I have not one but several rainbow dreams. Topping the list is of course, to be walking down in my cream vera wang gown for my garden wedding. It is a rainbow dream. It is what my heart truly wishes for and it has been a dream that is made out of 23 years of daring imagination and ambitious hopes.

The question is that remains is, will this rainbow dream ever come true? Or will it come too late that I will never see the sparkle of it anymore and by the time it comes true, it no longer holds the shades of the rainbow and it no longer hold that specialness in it. Do you ever wonder and ponder what it takes to chase your rainbow dreams? For my rainbow dream, do I know a special talent to have a garden wedding? Or do I need a pinch of luck through in and a thousand spoonfuls of prayer and faith?

Will my rainbow dream be complete with the pot of gold at the end of it? Will that pot of gold hold the treasure of my rainbow dream? That is the thing we all miss sometimes, dreams are not complete until you get the 'pot of gold' at the end of it. It is not just chasing the dreams, it is chasing what the dreams hold for you...it is chasing the unseen but known to be there 'pot of gold'. Hence it is not just any other dream, it is call the rainbow dream. It is only at the end of the rainbow you find your pot of gold.

It is only that if you allow the colours of life to capture your heart then you will truly yearn for that rainbow dream. I am tired of chasing my rainbow dream sometimes. I want it to come to me. I want it to be there just fingers away and not miles away. Well..hence it is call a dream. It is meant to be dreams away. It only happens when your eyes are shut and the world around you is the world you dream of and the world you can only create in deep slumber.

Are rainbow dreams ever meant to come true?

Guilthall and rules

Yuppie yup..question to ask, how innocent can something be on the surface but underneath the smooth silky white top, it is a cans of guilty worms? Somethings cannot stay hidden forever, the moon, the sun and the TRUTH. My walk with God hasn't been going really well lately to be honest. I am near approaching my one year birthday and yet I still find it difficult to find the chapters in the Bible without looking at the index. Yes, horrible, I shamefully admit. Like they say, you do not seek God in times of happiness only in times of sorrows. So true.

For one month, God asked me to grow a mustard seed faith in Him. He put me through trials and valleys to climb. It is like walking on the road to colorado. All that mountains and valleys...phew! God gives us choices to choose, choose to obey Him or choose to disobey Him. If it is a Godly choice, it will involve me, everyone around me and God. If it is not a Godly choice, someone will be hurt in my humanly decision. Someone that I hold close to my heart made such a humanly choice before. I know how bad it hurts but yet, I cannot wallow in self-pity forever. It was his choice and his walk with God. Someone once said...
"I fear that if you turn your back on God, the ones who love u, and those around you, you'll forever be haunted by deep regrets and wounds that will never heal completely. Yes, God forgives, but we must bear the 'blisters of the heart."
While it took just weeks for your heart to stray, building your relationship with God took much longer.

Well, of course there is still times of doubt. It is unavoidable. It is a matter of willingness to look at the withering grass and believe it will green again as the one on the other side. It is a matter of faith to know that holes in the walls can be filled again. It is all a matter of how committed we are to being honest with Him. I still give myself reasons when somethings seem to flounder one me, but every innocent excuse you make, will come back to be the greatest guilt in your life. I realise that now...

I laid down my heart to God for a month. I told Him all that surrounds my thoughts and I spilled my tears out. I hold it out to Him and pray. I am guilty for making decisions on my own. I am guilty for hurting the one I love. I am sorry to have made Him feel that I do not trust in Him to make things better. I remember telling him one night in bed, I am tired of feeling rejected. I am tired of being blamed for holding on too tight. I am tired of begging to be given chances to mend things. Through His angels I learned, " whatever choices I make now, God will permit it but it may not be beneficial". God may permit us to made our humanly decisions and hurt others, but it will never be beneficial to us in the Kingdom of Heaven. The Golden rule. There is always a way out but the innocent ways you choose, may be the most guilty ones in life.

Majestic wonders

Last night I was privileged to go watch the stars with the astronomist and his group of equally galaxy enthusiastic buddies. Laid out flat on the grass out in the Chilly night while trying to count stars was something I had anticipated but not before I was exploited for cheap labour. I was ordered bossed around to help set up the telescope and the other equally complex useless  looking apparatus that was supposedly to allow me to check out more bling bling out in the dark.

After an hour of squabbling and ordering around, I finally plonk myself on a far bit of green grass, retrieve my popcorn and hot chocolate all ready to watch the stars. It was beautiful just staring right up to the blanket of little bursting shinning gasses up there and it was then I was reminded of the scene from Lion King with Timon and Pumbaa lying out in the wild somewhere in Africa gazing at stars too. I turned to the astronomist and as though he had read my thoughts he said, "you are definitely Timon without the intelligence!"

While all of us cuddled out under the starry starry night, I felt something shine in my heart. This is the shine that God has promised me 6 weeks ago. The shine that will come from my heart. Lying out there and looking up into the Universe, it made me feel so tiny but yet shinning with happiness. When you feel that the light in your life has ran out, just lift up your head and stare in awe of the light that God has shine on you. In my pursue of happiness I fought battles and ran marathons but never had I once stopped and let such majestic wonders wrapped me in happiness. As all of us lie down in silence, the astronomist nudge me and whispered, "What would Timon say to Pumbaa now?". I replied, "Thank you for lying with me and just forgetting the world".

Dance of the fireflies

The flight of the fireflies in the night, blinking like a beacon in the dark - would you hold my hand as we walk through the dark guided by His words, like a lamp to our feet. As we both sat there sharing stories and laughters surrounded by yellow blinkers, I know, even if the world shut out its light on me, I can still dance in the dark for my steps are lighted and guided by You.

I never hesistate everytime I am near you for I don't fear that I will fall into the dark. Standing on the edge of the night, I opened my eyes and see the fireflies dancing in the air. I felt the breeze caress my cheeks, it is time for me to take my flight. I will take your hand and let you lead me to everywhere and to places where I have never been. You know my fears so hold me close to you and this is all it begins - when God writes my love story.

We all have been trained to rush and push at things. We pace in front of the mircowave like a father-to-be when his wife is in labour, we complain of the slow service at McD, we tap our foot impatiently and we continously push at the buttons while waiting for the elevator as if, with every push, the lift will dropped down faster. Be still, and know that He is Good the Psalmist said. So we, just like everyone, jump at relationships at the first attraction we get. Ta-da! We came, we saw, we begin...and we sigh! Is it really so hard to resist your own emotional calling and wait in the dark till the fireflies come and call you? While we entrust our hearts to another pledging to give away half our kidneys when the other needs it, he in turns toss out your heart and pledges to make stew with it. Heart stew with extra gravy...yummy?!

If only we all could learn to entrust our pen to God and let Him write our love story instead. If only we could all learn to endure the hardships that come along in our relationships and be still. If only, we can all wait in the dark and let the fireflies come to light up the passion once again. If only we could all love one another like how He loves us and If only you can be still and not fear the dark...

gloomy loomy

Its been a long endless mindless week. For the first time in weeks, it rained today. I never gave much thought to the gloomy clouds outside my window and recklessly failed to dorn my paddington boots and raincoat when I stepped out to the freezing cold and puddles of water everywhere. No doubt, I took a 15 minutes shower under the rain on my walk to town.

The astronomist rang to give a much 'delayed' weather report and also an update on how the 'sacred ceremony' had went in the Lake District. Sometimes I wonder what would I have been or done without those M.R.R.S at the doctors shed. They have played the role of brother, best friend, court jester, interrogator, full time nanny, counsellor, pyschologist, chef, chauffeur, nanny, doctor, and hero in disguised in the last few months. They totally went all out this weekend to go out to the lake freezing their body parts off on my behalf to lay the little one to rest. Sally and Richard have felt that it was best for me to stay out of the risk of catching pneumonia as my immune system is still slow and fidgety to fight off nasty cold viruses and what naught of other viruses, so I spent the weekend flipping Archbold and statutes for the never ending exam saga.

thank you guys for bracing the storms out there for me ; )

It was also a time to reflect on how much law school has put me through as it won't be long before I will be forced to decide if I am fit to join the leagues of legal profession and live by the ever so noble 'I will fight for justice' motto. In my first year at law school, I was all geared up and excited about this robe and wig wearing thing. Come year two, I had to grit my teeth through Lord Denning long winded precedents and nearly end up pulling my hair out deciphering the hell he is mumbling about. Then when year three come, I thought to myself that I am near the end, time to pop the champagne!. Little did I know, the marathon law study is still a long run. Bar school doomed upon me and I became a champion at defending justice for the greater good and a horrible loser at not knowing when to stay silent. To sum it all up, I should have settled for position of domestic engineer when I was first offered the course at Christopher Ch'ng University in the Big Apple.

Considering this, I now have to search for the locker key which must be returned tomorrow. Deep thoughts, it baffled me where did I get cook the idea to rent a locker? Was it peer pressure? - well could be, everybody was talking about how cool it will be to have a locker and how much more intelligent it would be to store all your books in the university rather than to ferry it back daily. Then again, I don't remember opening my locker more than twice in this whole academic year. I build a library of my own in the comfort of my bedroom, feeling safer and wiser going to bed at night with all the Criminal codes and Civil Rules keeping my company. Life cannot get more insecure than this...

Divine communications

Last night, my prayer prayer asked if I could forgive him for not being able to help rummage my room to help search for my locker key. One of those things that I find it difficult to comprehend is that I cannot understand how can some be polite and prissy in everything they do while some just cannot control their raging hormones to yell down the phone at others.

Anyway as he is my prayer partner, I had to exercise some holiness in me to say, "yes dude, I forgive you". I did not. I sat down, starred into his blue eyes and got lost somewhere in there searching for more blue-ness, while humming, falling in love with you. Corny. Fortunately that did not happen. My highly volatile mind sprang into action and I said, " to forgive is divine. divine is God. I am not God. So, I cannot put myself on the same par and forgive you. no no". Shaking my head violently just in case he did not understand a single word I said. He slapped himself on the forehead and looked up to his creamy ceiling, declaring, Oh my God. I look at him blankly and smiled, "I am honoured but I dont think I am your God". That night ended up with me being chased around the house by holy prayer partner who was carrying a huge chopping knife for reasons I still have not figure out but for which my womanly instints has told me to ran.

They say, it takes alot of nobility to forgive. I think I should recommend that a noble peace prize to be given to all those who find the space and nobility in them to forgive others and to be called, 'God' from then on. We all try to come out with different theories and philosophy to reason out why forgiveness is important to our souls and our sanity. Why don't we spend more time to come out with ways to ammend the constitution that will allow us freedom to kill others who step on our feet? Oops, I forgot, I am miss United States and if there is one thing I want to see in this world, it should be, "world peace".

So the next question comes - who is this God that everybody is praising about? The one whom everyone talks about, sing about and cry to in midst of crisis? I have yet to hear a churchgoer say "I am going to praise that God everybody is wondering who He is".

playing nice in His playhouse

the one thing im thankful about tonight is that im breathing cos the last time i check, air is free. weeeee!! so here im sweating in between the cracks of my bottoms and breathing in free air tainted with what my roomie is frying in the kitchen..making me want to cry into my 2 minute noddles. giving my shopping list a pensive run through, i've decided to be parsimonious on the things i throw into my trolley everytime i waltz down supermarkets alleys. being more astute in shopping would provide me with more freedom to regale and throw myself silly in watching the figures in my bank account stay stable and sane, so thought myself.

given the heart stopping prices of petrol and the very fact that the pounds has drop significantly in value, means I would have to pray very hard that 1.) car would run on salt water 2.) someone would give me petrol for free be it shell or bp or anyone, im not fussy 3.) someone will help me push my car so i wouldnt have to break my spine. life has become too melancholy to remain optimistic. if i was a saint, i probably would be more thankful about other things tonight.

the astronomist reminded me not to be so parochial and if counting my putsule filled face a blessing will make my life propitious...then i should. the astronomist has been vexed and disapproving of my previous blog entry, having spoken to me to make good about it and not evolved to someone he didn't know, i am most cynical about his stand on the issue.

so i admit, i have been a wee bit judgmental about "the biotechnologist" lately. okie, probably a lot censorious about the things he said and the things he did than i should. he did renege on the relationship but by nature, he is not a monstrous person. is he? *shudder* if i find it incredulous myself to believe that the very person i fell in love with is not fiendish, who else can stand up for him and tell me he is not? while saying this, im not advocating what you did nor am i forgetting the emotional abuse you put me through, rather, i stop trying to pursue happiness. i am trying, exasperating, if you must say, to cultivate a Christ-centered, Christ-controlled life, and to have more happiness than i know what to do with. simply put it, one of you is enough to be a christian humbug make a person who wears her heart on her sleeve to stare at love in revulsion and never want/dare to pursue it.

the choices that we blithely made has cast aspersions on our sacrosanct relationship. i had hope both when together could talk because it doesn't really matter who is smarter, more perfect than the other, OR has got distorted face or still is a 5 year old childish kid...the point to it is understanding why BOTH got together as ONE, and remembering the core values we once saw in each other. distance didnt seemed to be the only undeniable problem, there was also communication. it was hard enough trying to volley back and forth the time difference but you had to make it harder to be dishonest and expected trust to come rolling home again.

and no matter how much i tried to string my sentences in the best possible manner, it ring wrongly in your ears. no matter how much support i try to throw into your life, it always seem to bring down your mirth in life. no matter how kind my words were, you conviniently scorn at it. no matter how i try to aloof myself from your past, it invariably seem to catch up on us. no matter how i stop looking, your shadows still lurked in the dark trailing to hunt me down for trial. you were always avant-garde for me in being so conniving about the things you do.
tell me - how can i expect to feel safe in love again? i will expect to always walk down the road, looking behind me, worried about who's betraying me. i will never expect to quite trust another person's motives again - even if they're the nicest person in the world. how can i expect to make love to another, cuddle up in his arms, knowing that he might wake up one day and slapped me with the words, "its a mistake?" and of course, i will never be able to confide in someone without the reaction i got from you? how can i expect to look at another child not think of him whose name shall remain sacred? a woman's life is always ruined when something like that happens to them. *double shudder*

i would like to think that you would make an attempt to expiate your actions.unfortunately no, you didnt. sigh, you cannot say i didnt try, do you hear me up there? Helllooooo...yarrowww? our last conversation was tainted with so much mendacity i cannot trace the truth in any of your sentences nor could i remember any tinge in your voice of the boy i fall in love with. it was a loud, abusive and obnoxious conversation sprinkled with pretence. it was heart wrenching. did you even realised that? did aussie land take out the core humanity i once knew in you and replaced it with a skeptical arrogant jerk?

i left australia with one litre of tears knowing silently that will be the last i see of him. womanly instincts, lovers instincts, childish instincts, god chick instincts..i had it right. then again, Yahweh is kind to you..very kind indeed for IF He had allowed me to see you again, I probably would have commited the worse sin and sliced off what manhood is left of you. hehe, just kidding, not!

the astronomist lamented that i never do the right thing. its not easy when a.) it will cost me b.) the wrong thing is more expedient c.) no one will know but i will know. Martin Luther King Jr said, 'Cowardice asks, is it safe? Consensus asks, is it popular? Character asks, is it right?
If I am indeed guided by Him along the right paths, i should be doing the right thing...so what is right now? writing this entry to acknowledge that i should not play the blame game like you did. to please Him. to please myself. to please the astronomist.to be more like Peter. able to come before those he has hurt and eat humble pie. everyone is a blessing and so were you. i wouldn't say you are not just because you may have thrash me around like the hockey puck at the mercy of your sardonic beahviour and choose to walk out on two lifes...for in every dark cloud there is a silver linning and I just go to learn to look for it.

if you can carry the armour of intergrity and honesty just for a weebit longer......then you my boy, have become a man. learn how to respect the word faith before you ask others to have it. its untouchable, its unseeable, its indescribable.
Reading and Understanding God's Word and Applying In life. RUGWAIL - did you when you left us? God is Good. Don't make Him bad just because you needed someone of a higher power to validate your actions. Don't use Him as a shield and don't use His words as the sword to wound another.
If truly you were afraid of Him, you should remember clearly, that day when you went down on your knees and propose, when you said, i wouldnt be sinning if im already marrying you. i may not be the epitome of everything nice, sugar and spice but i rather not be a santimonious christian.

even though you knew it wasn't right to betray or to cheat, you still did. *sigh*. the only thing that walks back from the grave with the mourners and refuses to be buried, is the character of a man. you knew who i am when we dated, i was far from that paranoid all controlling person you had labelled me as. rather, ironically, i did become that ingenous precarious human which i don't want to be, ever, period. why the memories that i buried deep with my feelings for you...is stain with once a liar, always a liar? *double triple sigh*. A character that will be associated with you forever and ever and ever, Amen. *triple shudder*

the very fact your actions has haunted me so much that it rob me of the right to walk up the stage and receive my graduation scroll - how can i not play the blame game like you? i learnt to look at you and remind myself that I will not sell myself out to be selfish. to remind that i will not sell my loved ones to betrayal and to remember the people who has guided me to be the very person i am today. you were one of them. hence, how do i blame you for making me the junyin i am at the present? there is a reason you didn't make it till now - you let go when i was hanging on the cliff. you stood with cold heartedness and watch me fell. all in your pursuit of happiness.When happiness is your obsession, you can never get enough. at least for me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain

A place called here is a place that everyone tries so hard to find. A place that everyone tries to escape to from the hustle and bustle in life. A place that everyone search for to fill the voids in their heart. A place that silence is indeed golden and a place that seems to make you come alive. A place that knows no pain and a place that you can call your own paradise. My purple paradise, Oh, let me roll in your fields of lavenders and inhale the scent of ethopia.

shouldda been baby

I sat there stirring my chocolate, holding back the temptation to slam down a hammer on Bob. I got a text earlier from the dentist, screaming, Crisis and asking for me to meet the gang at their place. I groaned, text back, "I really don't have time for YOUR crisis for I am in a crisis myself. Unless someone is dying, nothing is worth for me to leave the comfort of my home!" He replied, "Oh, you selfish brat. Hurry over before we send a missile. We need you, yes we do. Remember, we all came to your rescue when you needed us. Now, one of us, needs you!" So, I went. Only to be a caring heart and a listening ear. Bob was leaving his 6 years relationship.

I dragged the astronomist to a side and hissed, "You know I cannot handle this. Please, don't make me go through this...". Tears welled up. The astronomist hushed me and said, "Listen, we know. We had a world conference before asking you to come. We know how much it will poke at your wounds but we also know, you are prepared for this, hmm?". If looks could kill, the astronomist would have been ashes by now. So here goes me, to save the world Bob...from becoming a complete stranger (and an idiot)

I have never met his girlfriend before but apparently, from what I heard, she cooks really well, learning her trades all from Jamie Oliver's cookbook. I reminded myself to throw out my copy of Jamie's at home cookbook and to write a note, Jamie, you suck. Even Jamie's excellent succulent cod fish splash with juicy rich apple sauce cannot satisfy Bob's sensational appetite for love. After listening to Bob, who looked at me for validation that he is not a jerk..I shrugged and said quietly, " Emotions can mislead and misguide us. What you think is failing and what you think is not working is because your love tank is low and depleted". The guys blink in wonder. Then all of them crowded in closer as though I was preaching the Holy Gospel. I wasn't. I just learnt. I continued, ignoring the halo that was floating above my head, " Whatever decisions you make, we all can respect it but it doesnt mean we are accepting it.

Like I told someone before, you have to responsible for your actions. Walking away does not solve problems and confessing to God does not bring heal the wound you have caused". "Love is a wonderful thing. The in-love experience you felt once needs to be refuel, if only you trust Him and choose His ways. Not your way, not mine, not the Highway but His ways". We all then prayed for Bob..the guy who once sang "My girl" and recorded it on a CD to be sent to his Jamie Oliver.

Sometimes, we all wish we knew the answers to everything. We stalk others on facebook and others stalk us. Its scary how little privacy we get these days. While sometimes, things happen right under our noses and it is impossible to spot them right away. We reign in arrogance and reject all attempts from others to reach out to us, to love us and to lower our pride. We all knew Bob's infidelity long before he broke it to us. It is inevitably obvious when you keep sending big hugs to someone who isn't your partner while it shoudda been Jamie Oliver at home. We just learn to ignore it and minded our own business when truly, I should have taken a shot gun and shoot his brains out. oooh, not such angelic afterall. I should have offerred a thoughtful word and help lift the heavy load of his weary soul along life's road.

The ridiculous saying "Everything happens for a reason" is quoted by simpletons alike and it leaves personal responsibility out of the equation. Selfishness blinds people to the greatness that is already in their lives. Bob, thinking that he is all hunky deserves Brad Pitt rather than just plain Jamie Oliver. (Bob is not gay, it is just a methaphor). So Bob began to dictate that he seeks his own happiness. Selfishness will demand that your needs be met first and it cannot be bothered to sow seeds of love. While it shoudda been Christ first in any relationship, Bob decided, it shoudda been me, my feelings, my happiness and I don't care what the Corinthians said in Chapter 13 or what the Ephesians said in Chapter 5. Bob said, "I am human afterall". Can someone please dig out the human's heart and check if it is cold and hard? Probably it needs a little bit of reheating in the microwave, afterall.

Before I left, it sanked in my heart that I really don't know the people around me. Bob asked, "Do you wanna take some Jelly Beans home with you?" "No, thanks", I replied. My mother taught me not to accept sweets from strangers. Hold your horses Bob, whatever it is, do not be the heartless horseman.

I am who I am

Many people exploit the empathy in others for their own ends. When they go out to help someone, they will later use it to get something from that someone. When there's trouble, it will generally show in one person being the chronic "giver" and the other being the chronic "taker". When I evaluate my relationships with others, I look for people who show GENUINE concern for my welfare, then make that concern known in concrete actions. After a hell of evaluation, I became aware, not many are that genuine. They hide behind the facade of empathy and when require to put their concern into actions, they are out of reach!

Then there are the people who likes to flatter us instead of confront us. There is a major difference between confronters and strokers. Confronters risk our leaving them to tell us a needed truth. They jeopardize comfort to give us honest love. Strokers, in contrast, lull us to sleep by idealizing our specialness. As long as you feel good, they're happy. We should all be aware of people who only tell us our good points, justifying it by a desire to be "positive". They aren't loving you enough to tell you when you attitude or behaviour is driving your life over a cliff, rather they will stand by you and whisper sweet nothings to you ears. Boost your ego and level up your arrogance when indeed those behaviour is pushing over the mountain top.

How often have you heard the phrase, "God has it in for me." Denial is the active process that someone uses to avoid responsibility and it is different from being unaware of sin. We should all be held responsible for our actions and the reactions of others in our life, but rather some choose to blame others, their past, God, sin or anything else they can find. It is a husband, who cheats on his wife and bring it to his marriage and declare out loud, pointing to the mistress, this is the true blessing from God!

Then there are those who DEMAND that you trust them instead of earning it. The husband who demanded trust from his wife after an affair is a glaring example of someone who feels entitled to trust. With these people we are familiar who the words, " So you don't trust me". They get defensive and angry because someone questions their actions. Even the most trustworthy man of all time - Jesus himself - did not demand blind trust. Just check out John 10:37-38. We are asked to test what Jesus said by his actions. If, we are truly trusthworthy, we would welcome questioning from our loved ones on our "trustability". We are then able to know what gives others their suspicion or ear and try to do everything to allay those fears. Above all, we want to make people feel comfortable with us. The Psalmist said, hidden sins and problems are destructive to us, and if we long to grow, we would want them exposed and healed. Earn your trust for you are not entitled to it.

I am weary of people who reads the bible daily and has an extensive knowledge of the Book. For some, are committed people who only read, talk and do nothing about the words. These are what we called, spiritual people instead of religious. We need to learn to recognise people who weren't "real" even although they seemed very spiritual. They justify their wrongs by quoting the bible so much and they justify their doings by saying, "This is the purpose that God has for me" or rather, "It is in His plan". His plan will be such that everyone affected by that "plan" can rise up and say, "Praise the Lord", and not leave some to pain, anguish and despair.

If someone really cares for you, a simple hello is not too much to ask for. If someone really is empathatical to you, being your listening ear is the thing that she will want to do most because she knows you need her. If someone is a genuine ambassador in Christ, his love should start from those nearest to him before pretending to be funny and nice to those outside the circle of 12. Draw your line and stay out of relationships of any kind with unsafe people. Someone who so often quotes the Bible when he speaks to me would say, "Email me if you have any problems". I said "I am not your business counterpart"!

hold my hand

With a little love, and some tenderness

Well walk upon the water

Well rise above this mess

With a little peace, and some harmony

Well take the world together

Well take em by the hand

Hold my hand

Want you to hold my hand

Hold my hand

Ill take you to a place where you can be

Hold my hand

Anything you wanna be because

I wanna love you the best that, the best that I can

3am chats and prayer sessions

After a weekend long of discussions, late night chats, long walks in the cold evenings, and lotsa praying, plan A is going to be executed. We spoke about the consequences, the guilts, and the possible other plans. We all gulped in silence - murder ; interpreted is a word that carries horrified stares.

We stand at the public gallery and point fingers at the person standing at the dock, but have we ever been at the dock and wore his shoes? Reality slaps you in the face whether you like it or not. We need to be as sly as Voldermort and as wise as Dumbledore to survive in this jungle.

Knowing what a champion I am at "what If(s)" we also list down all the possible "what If(s)" that may come. One being that will I look back one year from now and start to feel, "If I had kept it going, it will be 7 months old now?" So of course, we had to put that behind. If I had not keep it going, I won't have to be wheeling prams down beaches or changing nappies.

We chatted about the good things that has happen in our lifes and how we started to define our lives by it. The degrees, the first class honours, the oxbridge graduates, the popularity, the awesome career, the friends. We counted the addition of letters and alphabeths we have all added in our lives. The extra(s) that define us and set us apart from others. The good looks, the alabaster skin, the silky wavy hair, the gorgeous bump, and the other long list of things that we can all include in our biographies or epilogue or tombstone one day. We count our blessings one by one and I was considered most blessed because I had an additional thing to add - experience! If one of them were to speak at my funeral one day, their eulogy will include, going through what Job has been through! So honoured!

Then we chatted about how we define ourselves in our failures. How people added names to our already wonderful names. How people view us for what we didn't do and what we did. How the society viewed single unweded mums, how abortions are frowned upon, how decisions can affect us and how much ones identity has been confined to the circumstances they have been.
The freezing walks out at night has also gave us an insight that many things do lurk in the dark and many things are not known to us in life. However just like a phase in our lives, it will all past soon. The sun still rises in the morning.

Our lives are not often perfect. Even if I became a doctor and marry a handsome surgeon, have a beautiful family and live in a huge mansion, read the bible daily, go to church, serve at the ministry, something will still be missing and my identity in this life will remain only as another "Bree Van de Kamp".

When we drew our deliberation and prayer sessions to a close last night, the answer was clear, no matter what I choose to do or become, my identity remains the same in His eyes, I am His Beloved. For closure sake, we sang and stomp aloud at 3am, If God is on our side, who can be against us? We then literally followed Chris Tomlin and ran down to the Tyne Riverside, stood at the edge, and leave behind our troubled mind for an uncloudy day!

3am with Andrew

We finally consented to an 'interview' with the vampires the 'gossipers' about what L.O.V.E meant to the astronomist and I. I was hunted down for days to be at this interview and every where I went, I felt truly unsafe, always having to be on the lookout for someone who will jump out of the bush and drag me into a moving vehicle to be bandage up and bombarded with a series of questions. Paranoia big time.

Well here goes some snippets of the interview that will go on the next issue of the youth's newsletter at church and I must say..I am panicking as I read through what the interviewers wrote...doubly paranoid.

Q: What is it like being with each other?

Me: Being with Andrew is sometimes like being a patient at the doctor's clinic. Always subject to health inspection and always being tested on blood pressure...(quick glance at Andrew's knackered expression. He had just completed an 8 hours shift at the QE). Honestly, Andrew doesn't require me to be the all time goody girlfriend. He respects me for who I am - 5 years old tantrums, horrible grumpy witch, rattling of pimple breakout, crying out loud, laughing like a hyena, and midnight crisis call. I can let my hair down around him and there is no such thing as "PMS" that he doesn't understand or bad hair day or bad mood day or just simply temperamental days that he cannot handle. He is the blankey you can snuggle in and sneeze during rain or shine. (Laughs from the guys)

A: She makes me feel that I am the most important person on Earth. She probably does that to you too right? (Points at one of the interviewers who shakes his head violently, as though being pointed out to be sent to the gallotin) To the world you may be just one person but to her you are the world. Well...she will not poke her nose into my everyday life. She trusts that I will tell her things if I want to and she lets me come to her naturally rather than ask me about my day and try to make conversations. If I am too knackered to talk, she talks. If I talk, she listens. So it is like a client at the pyschiatrist. You tell her what you want to tell and she listens.

Q: What is the one thing that you both dislike about each other?

Me: *Gulps* ...there seemed to be quite a long list...(LOL from everyone) well....probably his seriousness? I don't know...its good to have him being serious though...but yet his seriousness is scary...

A: She likes to leave her things around. She finds it most difficult to put things back to the places where she took it. Just look at her disorganised work table you will know (Yin shot Andrew a can-you-not-tell-the-whole-world look, which the whole world already knows) Her champion list of 'what if(s)' and being worried about things that have yet to happen or will happen.

Q: What makes you think that she is different from others and vice versa?

A: She is not supermodel nor an angel. She stands out above the rest because....she is one tough cookie who weathered storms and yet not tremble at the thunders. Just what she has been through with Brendan is enough said.
she will never try to say nice things to you just because you want to hear it. She doesn't try to be nice because she has to...when she cares, she genuinely cares. Firm and clear principles, no compromising nor anything such as I will follow my heart kinda nonsense.
She doesn't pretend to be your friend at first sight, she takes her time to know you, understand you and finally be there for you. Thick or thin. Oh and the very fact she could allow a person who betrayed her yell down the phone at her and yet no yell back...round of applause ( Agreed - pat on Yin's back) Talk about respect - I salute her for that.
She doesn't tell me everything that you guys shares with her and even when she is lost for advise for you people, she goes to the bible and not me. She will ask your permission if she finds the need to share it with me, right guys? (Nods again) she doesn't try to be Jamie Oliver because I like good food...she tells you what you don't like to hear but its true and you don't realise it...she asked alot...she asked, she questions and she doesn't take whatever I put to her because I am wiser (clear throats loudly followed by a knock by Yin) but she also simply gives her 100% in everything she does. (All nods in agreement)

Me: I didn't know I was vulnerable...*laugh out loud*. Andrew is different from guys I know because he sang 'my girl' to me at 3am. (We don't think that is special, we sang 'hey Jude' to you at the beach, remember?) Okok...he doesn't try to be a christian nor try to be funny guy next door. Just genuine himself inside out. He means what he said, he only says what he means and he doesn't say what it means. He is very much down to earth considering his achievements and he stands firm on solid grounds on things he believe in. He comes to me as a friend, as a brother, no need to try to put on his best front and I would say, he cares and not expect anything in return. He doesn't need the world to see him as Mr. Nice guy but rather, he wants to live up to being more like HIM.

Q: Any advice to other young youths out there in seek for a God written love story?

A: I prayed and waited on Him for this. I saw her at her weakest points and I saw her at her highest points. I saw her through her tribulations and I went to the people that matters most to her for their permission before I sat down and talked to her. She is most vulnerable at this moment and I didn't want to take advantage of it. I respected her as my friend and as my sister in Christ. It was rather, I didn't explore the love story and treated her as equal as my other girl friends. To make sure I didn't go soft on her and sprint faster than God's time, there was no late night chats casula chats alone and no texting each other for nothing. It was Sally and Richard who spoke to me about it. They saw the potential in us, I would say. Sally prayed for me first, she wanted to make sure I was ready for this commitment and then she prayed with Yin to open her heart. However we both didn't want this to be a relationship that will hurt one another, so we both turn to Luke 2:21-40 and read about the examples of faithfulness and waiting on him.
If we knew it would bless God's heart, would we be willing to wait for our spouse with the same faithfulness and expectancy that this godly man and woman had? I rather spent a longer time in another's man's woman's arms than to jump into Yin's arms because my heart tells me so and not because God tells me so. That woman - mind you people, it my father's wife, my mother.

Me: When Andrew first popped the question, I knew deep down I wasn't ready for it. I was on a path of brokenness and rejection. I didn't know if this will be another promise of 'I will seek your highest good above my own. I will lay down my life for you." that will be broken.
If we all prayerfully read Corinthians 13 and ponder all the qualities of true Christlike love, all the makings of a heaveny love, then fewer relationships will end up in brokenness. Learning to love sacrificially is a huge thing. I gave it away once and didn't get it back so naturally I was afraid..I am not saying Andrew will do the same and break my heart but I didn't want to give this a shot kinda thingy and see where it goes. I want to wait upon Him until He gives me that green light before I go. I think it is the same with Andrew. (Andrew nods in agreement)
As women, one of the greatest gifts we possess is our hearts - our emotions, our sensitive nature and our feminity. It comes naturally for us to pour ourselves into a relationship, to become emotionally wrapped up in the guy we are dating. A man doesn't. So I would say my advice would be, even if he seemed like the right person, the perfect guy, the guy who makes your heart skip a beat everytime, wait on his time. How much of your treasure will be left, if you continue to give it away, piece by piece in one relationship after another because you want to give it a shot?

So after the fishes has got their nibble at the piece of juicy meat, the astronomist and I looked at each other and smile, we know that the sweeter song of solo is still being written for us both. We are both holding out for a higher standard in our love story. God laughs at odds, we smile at our bumps. Thy shall keep the word of patience and wait - we shall shake our legs, let the webs be spun and wait upon the ride call Fate. We picked up our juice filled glasses and clinked to a life long friendship.

In pursuit of happyness

Just as I finally found my niche in England and a reason for me to love it, the letter had to come by post today reminding me that I still have to chase my dreams. The future stares at me in wordings that finally blurred in my mind, I am almost reaching the stars. In the midst of chaoctic moments, I can only say, forever and ever Amen. It was an offer that everyone my age will almost jump at it. This was better than the Fullbright scholarship to America last year and it is definitely a league above the scholarship to Brighton back in 2003 - both of which I rejected because of a list of reasons. Now, dreamz with a z is calling again.

It never dawn upon me that upon clicking on the submit application would come down to this - a 5 figure salary with Procter and Gamble. The bane of it would require me to give up my reason to stay in England and move Down Under to be close to the Darling Harbour. During lunch at the Doctors' shed, I just knew that in my pursue of happiness, some good things have to be given up for the greater things.

Life is not about filling more laughters in your life anymore, its rather, blunt in the face and a slap in the face. I do not know if I am ever ready to give up my reason to smile in England, but I know, that what I tasted was real. A taste of joy, a taste of euphoria, a taste of bitterness and a taste of life. I am a step closer to my dreamz and I just have to put my feet forward to touch the glimmer and stars.

Thank you guys for showing me the end of the rainbow. Thank you for the little things you have done for me and thank you for being just there. As a part of your life ends, you just got to let the curtains fall at your heel, Curtsy and walk away from it.

With this - I end a chapter of my life with a letter from my notebook that I should have sent a long time ago but never felt ready to. We all have to learn to flip the pages in our lives to read on what awaits us and we just have to be ready for whatever the next chapter may throw at us.

"My Dearest Chris. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent summers going for horsey rides on the beach, making each other laugh, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. I hope I have given you that too. I loved you. Yin."

All that I once held dear to me, I consider them loss.

I longed for...

News spread like wild fire - be it good or bad. Congratulatory messages and well done wishes poured in overnight after the letter of employment was received. Just like how supplies of tissues; shoulders to cry on and ears to listen were there after the great flood series of unfortunate events. We took a night off to let our hair down and zips down minds off the world to celebrate the soon-to-be-bursting-bank-account.

Everything in life moves a such a fast pace that it seemed only like yesterday when I was 18. I was always the first person to sit at the door steps and cry my heart out when nobody opens at the other end and not in a million years would I dream that I could ever know the true meaning of having somoene in your life that thinks you are the world.

What am I doing each day, I wondered, allowing myself to stare into his eyes and pretend that there is no happiness behind those brown iris. Why did I allow myself to sell myself out to someone who flung my heart out into the sea and yet not allowing soemone else to retrive it back for me? This is not what I thought life would be now. I need all my strength to stop myself from reaching and wrap my arms around him every time he smiles at me. I thought that having a reason to move away would be the easiest thing in the world to do, but part of the reason for staying back is because of him. I just keep imagining me and Brendan that day and I could't take it.

Now I'm beginning to question my decision. Should I stay and learn to love again, or should I leave and learn to survive on my own, to be independent, to be cold hearted and to shut him off my life? I had post it notes all over my heart - Do not under any circumstances fall in love again and do not under any circumstances trust another human being.

What we long for, what we settle for, and who we are meant for. That's what we do - we fight! I tell you that you are an arrogant *** and you tell me that I am being a pain in the ass which is what I am and you are not afraid of hurting me. We just got to work on this everyday of our lives and maybe picture my life with you - 30 years and 40 years from now. I can take the easy way out but whatever way I choose everyone gets hurt. What do I want and can I stop thinking about what everyone's think?

strangers on a train

"The joy that radiates through your smile brings happiness to my heart" - I remember clearly back then when Christopher (not from Winnie the Pooh) told me that, I placed my fingers on both sides of his mouth, pushed them up to a big forceful IT the clown smile and said, "now that smile is scary."

Today, reading Chris's comment on my blog released me from my long desire to reach out across the world and smack him around the face for leaving us for the States. Rewind us back 6 years ago..is that how long it has been?..anyway rewinding back - Chris was that amazing tennis partner, amazing tournamnet buddy and amazing boyfriend with that ever charming smile. I was his Justine Henin on court and he was my Nadal.

While we went on a streak of match points on court, little did we realise we were also making a match point together off court. However it was a summer romance that left an identation in my life. A summer love that saw us picking balls in tennis courts, me falling asleep in his arms on bus rides, he helping me tie my shoelaces, he slamming tennis balls into my head, and me having someone to sit under the sun in tennis court benches talking about nothing.

I buried us in a time capsule when he left for the Arizonia desert and started an oasis of his own planting cacti and rearing camels. chase his dreams to become an economist in Wall street today. Our long silence was broken with my letter from the notebook and his reply or rather, I broke my no communicado draught.

At some point in any relationships, we will reach the "land of the unknown", where one person feels his or her heart getting involved and is unclear where the other person is. It is a scary place to be for you feel yourself become vulnerable and you really do not want to explore there alone.
With Chris, our relationship did not end when he left...it just halted there. He felt there was more left in our journey while I just was not ready to get of the train ride. However, it became clear along the timeline that it was time for me to get on down the road. We made things complicated for ourselves sometimes. What could be a really simple, "yes I am in a relationship" or "no I am not in a relationship" became a "Its' complicated". What could be so complicated?

We were on different railway tracks back then and so are we now. While he wanted to get busy getting heart attacks from watching the market shares, I wanted to wear wigs and robes to giggle like a mad woman in court. Now he wants to expand his bank account while I want to expand my horizons in life.

Chris asked, "Is this how every relationship ends up when it doesnt end up in marriage? We all become strangers in each other's life and we just move along with life pretending that the other does not exist."

One thing for sure - we do a pretty good job pretending all our lives. We were strangers to start of with and we became strangers to end it too. However along that transition, we all pretended to be someone else. A friend, a joker, a helper, a listener, a communicator, and everything we can be. As the play ends, we walk away pretending we never met before on this stage.

Matthew 6:1-6 (The Message) - Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don't make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won't be applauding.

So yes that smile is indeed scary for really, it was all just put on for a great show.

double chocolate cookie rock

ONE TOUGH COOKIE CRACKING..........

At the corner location of starbucks we sat burgeoning our minds on summer, sipping on our latte(s) and chocolate(s) and trying to lift each other's spirit on the moment. I can still remember - feel it - rather I would say moments like those where everyone's is disheartened by something but just too afraid, too ego-istic , too bashful, too hold back - to spill it out. Clearly we try to write - "im tough" - on our faces. Once in awhile someone will click away at their mobile, crack a dumb blonde, poke fun at the fat lady at the counter or simply pull out a random topic from the air trying really - in fact too hard - to distract everyone from the storms, only to realise, it is all just momentarily - without denial, the heaviness and dampness in the heart stays.

Everyone has problems of the heart - we either own the pain or try to bury it. I feel my pain. It stays there like the tenant who will never move out. It seeks solace in your hurt and moves out when its time. You can try all ways to vacate it but it will stay until it is one satisfied occupier in your heart. the ones you love are always in your heart but you are never in their heart. they occupy so much of the space there and one thing for sure, you know its going to take awhile to get your heart back together again. but i believe when it go, it will be subtle.

Despite being surrounded by a noisy crowd in that little corner that day, I felt alone. Despite the warm sunlight out there lighting up the earth, it was darkness in my heart. Not just mine. But ours. There is this little spot in our eternal bright sunshine. A little spot that we cannot wipe out or block out no matter what we do.

Pain is a feeling that hurts so badly till everynight itself is a battle in your dreams. letting go is an art that not everyone can master. We think we can do it but scars are often left behind to remind us that pain has once been lived there. We spend so much time making sure we laugh so the world could laugh with us because when you cry, you cry alone and indeed the loneliness can be overwhelming. Yet when you laugh, there is no guarantee that the world is indeed laughing with you or actually laughing AT you.

i grew up with people planting mottos in my head, and principles that should supposedly bring me through life. over the years my heart adjusted to pain moving in and out everytime. i have a vague impression of what TRUE happiness feels like - everytime i think i am close to it or in it - someone or something has to come burst my bubble or drag me away from it. rationality flies out the window and numbness just surrounds my placid thumping muscle trapped in my body.

im tough is just momentarily pretention put on to fool the world. we eventually will go weary. I like softness, I like my bed to be filled with rose petals, I like my fall to be on clouds, I like soft bumps in my life - bumps that will not bruise me nor bring pain and leave scars. However, reality is a tough hurricane, it comes on hard and fast. So when it hits, you have to be tough - otherwise....*shudder*

I bit hard into my double chocolate cookie only to watch it cracked just a little. Frustrated, I slammed my cookie hard onto the table and miracalously it shattered into a million brown pieces - argghhh. Laughters at my silliness came aloud and for a moment there - we felt a ray of sunlight in our hearts

Romance under the moonlight

There we were oblivious to the other passengers on the train, giggling and burning with passion for each other as we passed each stops. what do we care anyway, we were in a foreign land where no one knows us or will remember us or for a matter of fact, will see us ever again. post birthday surprise. we made plans to catch up, to meet with my present and to reminiscence on the past. it has been as long as i could remember since i last felt those warm and stong hands on mine. as i ran my fingers around those masculine jaws and drown in those chocolate eyes, my skin tingle and my heart thump harder by each second.

My knees womble at those deep strong voice whispering in my ear. after we hug for eons, i search my heart for an answer, for a feeling, for a hope and for love. how do you do, was our first words, it was just good to see your face, he said. when i look at you holding my heart, i am also willing to share with you all i have. you have never been far, i have been carrying you in my heart no matter where you were. he welcome me home to his arms. i was in total eclipse of the heart.

It was no longer the same attraction that pulled us together 6 years ago, chemistry was on a different level but undeniably the feelings remained the same. he may no longer be that perfect someone i first met but this time round, it wasn't perfection i was seeking. in my eyes, this is a new someone, a new love interest and it was for him to renew that idea of perfection in me. i have been broken to a certain degree before. i never found myself picking up the broken pieces instead, i hold and cherish them making sure it will humble me deep down.

the train finally pulled to a halt. pulling us too back to reality. it was all too much to take. too breath taking. we painstackingly search for the courage to let each other go. i applauded our effort to give this a chance but our hearts knew better. we loved each other but wasn't in love with each other. not today at least. we just was, chris and sze-yin. two people. two different worlds. two dreams. two goals. we remain a fact in each other's life. someone who will always be a part of my life as i am a part in his life.

We waltz our last dance together besides the gushing river Tyne. under the bright moonlight. serenading in the background was the drumming of our heartaches.

i let my tears wet his shoulders as his held me tight in his arms. as i watch him walked away disappearing in the dark, the song that accompany our last waltz hummed in my head.

Didn't you know how much I loved you

Didn't you know how much I loved you,

babyI gave you everything, every part of me

Didn't you feel it when I touched you

Didn't I rock you when I loved you, babyBaby, tell me

Didn't you know how much I loved you

p/s: thank you for that beautiful picture

Bon Voyage Chris

A great swing of emotions overwhelmed us as we both bury our time capsules together, not knowing when or how we are going to reopen it again. My cheeks flamed up as he leaned towards me, his breath tainted with cinnamon. A six years long wait, the anticipation of romance, the climax of hope and the surging faith for love. it took more than love to bring us back together. it took more than courage to walk away 6 years back and it will take more than our breath aways to say goodbye. it just something that happens, a sizzling moment - it was like swimming too near to a jellyfish.

At the back of my mind, the astronomist's face raced through my thoughts, flashes of his smile, ringing of his laughters, pieces of memories that were all too much a reminder, all eating at my conscience, all telling me - i am too close to playing with fire and i will not trod down the path of F star star K-ing some else's heart. i am not a product of an embittered childhood and unlike what the poem said, God, my parents did not f star star k me up to help me justify my selfish emotions. i jerked back and forced a smile to my face. it is time Chris, i said.

He glanced at the clock overhead me and put on his bravado. you have grown up, alot, he said. alot more different than I could remember, he emphasised. i was forced to grow up, they kicked me out of never land, i said a matter of factly. he laughed nervously. he brushed his cheek against mine and i felt warm wetness stinging my skin.

he pressed a picture into my hand and whispered, ever thine, ever mine, ever ours. I watched him walk towards the gate and looked down at the picture in my palm. it didn't take 6 years to change me, it took two amazing parents to change the girl i was back then to become the woman in the picture.

p/s: once again, thank you.

Forgiving you

Sharing this planet with others would ultimately mean being vulnerable to others hurting us or us hurting others. having been at both ends of the spectrums and also in the middle of it, it dawn upon me that there is only so little we mortals can do. we try not to walk by our feelings so we will not be hurt and disappointed. but yet, very often, the heart takes rein of the mind. so, we let the heart take charge and wear our hearts on our sleeve.

I watch as Marion cried her heart out in sunday Mass today. as she kneel and pray, the tears just flowed freely. when we are with someone who isn't necessarily very attractive to our needs, we could easily fall in love with another who gives us the attention we crave. It was simply put it, I could very much feel her pain. When I listen to her sobs over the phone sometimes, I had to remind myself to hum a happy song inside my heart so as not to unearth my own pain.

For even in those little gaps of words and lotsa nose blowing conversations, I felt my own pain. While the world has shut her out and expect her to make a miraculous recovery and sing praises about how God has been faithful to her, sorry to disappoint, the world didn't feel her pain. neither did i. even though i have been there and went through that, we were two individuals in a myriad of circumstances.

she became the mirror reflection of me a while ago. filled with vengence, bitterness and hatred. overflowing with grief and sadness. even having our faith rocked by the actions and words other. but Matthew reminded us, who are we to judge? Life after all is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you respond to it. There are two things that God doesn't share with us: 1) His glory 2.) His right to settle old scores. How we are all taught to take our hands off the situation and let Him work it out. Probably we had all signed up not just for a promise to save our souls but rather, also signing up to let Him take control over our lifes. Did we all fail to read the fine prints of terms and conditions? maybe, maybe not.

Anyway back to crying sobbing Marion kneeling over prayer. While she had expected me to tell her what everyone had said i.e: "you should just forget about him. Put him right out of your mind and move on", i was not everyone else. People probably said that because it is a nicer way to say: I'm sick to death of hearing this. Just move on will it. Well, at the moment, I kneel down too and report to God about all these people.

If Marion had known had to move on, she would have done so already. Needless to kill a whole rainforest and yet still feel like a migraine. In the grand scheme of things, getting over someone isn;t easy. And no one should harass her over it or let anyone harass her. if anyone does, i will sue them.

it was rather how long will she put her life on hold? how long can she hold out the glasses of water in her hands without feeling tired? but it doesnt matter to me, or anyone. ultimately, it was her emotions. i just had to hold my conscience clear. by not joining the leagues of others who gives bad advice. who thinks they know what she has been through and who cannot hold their tongue from calling her crazy. where her faith stands, what she understand about faith is clearly shown today - coming to Mass, kneeling there, praying and standing in the House of God even at her darkest hours. Bless her...

Bittersweet, they are just memories
Say goodbye to the scores of good and bad
Pride, skepticism, ill feelings
Let it be wash and never lingering

Mistakes that we make can never be wipe clean
Pain that we all feel cannot be completely heal
but the nonsense, the lies and the rejection
let it be forgiven and forgotten

strawberries and kisses

It is a trepidation to read his blog. To assimilate the acerbic yet mirthless words. to not want to indulge in an acriminious debate with him. and to remind myself that behind his deluge of Godly words and pontifications on the way to live a life of Christlikeness, is a man that carries such dishonest peccadillo which eventually led to my heart broken to pieces beyond recognition. it is that stench of heartbreak, betrayal and lies that permeates through everytime i scroll my eyes up and down the word scribbled on the pages. What maketh the person you are at the present can be very much influenced by your past.

While it peeves me that shards of my memory of him remains saccharine, it peeves me even more that my heart race up a notch everytime i peruse the pages of my past with him. The very man who reads His words and used His words to tear my soul apart. This very boy whom has swipe me off my feet into the clouds in being enamour with him. This very person who seeked solace in my desolation, who rocked my santuary of happiness, who trash our relationship apart and flouted the holy grail of all friendship by sharing my deepest and darkest fears and secrets with another is now blogging about the path to enlightenment. I am humbled beyond belief that this is the same man who has used a scripture from the Bible to validate a seperation. the very fact he was regaling in ultimate bliss and showed little contrition for the things he did - amazed me.

I am amazed. truly. I. am. God is great in many ways. Hmph...so convicted I am that God delights in ones' dishonesty and lies. I tried my very best in all the years to change the very core person he was, encouraged myself into the lies and got trapped in this maelstrom of delusions. in the end, I ended up with fingers pointing all over me. Me, for being paranoid. Me, for being controlling. Me, for being precarious. I was deluged in a sea of 'its all your fault'. So, I am a person with such great predilection to dominate a person's life that I ended up in this little place called - my lala land?

I became the mistakes in his life. the specimen of unfathomable mistakes of...sex; kisses; nibbles; licks;

While politically correct people will stamp disclaimers of mistakes on their past when they run for presidential election, do religious people also label and file their ex-loved ones mistakes? News flash, they do! Like how Satan feeds on miseries and would go all out to make sure you get a dosage of it, some people fed on fulfilling their heart desires and went all out to make sure i got a dosage of selfish syrup. I was then labelled and filed in this folder called, stupid mistake.

I was the defenseless hockey puck at the mercy of satan and his demons when i treaded upon the dark alleys of misconceptions of love and faith. God's words were indeed so powerful that it was used to whack me around in the game - God said it is time!!! God said you are not meant for me!! God said this. God said that. remember, how much you drive me crazy and i am silently screaming and pleading for my freedom!!! now i truly fear, simply because however protected i was then or am now in the truth, i remain vulnerable to attacks from unsafe people who has the audacity to simple thwart the living daylights out of me simply to win their game. to score a goal. to make sure this hockey puck slammes right into the net of championship. Blood is not thicker than water. It is just redder and yummier!!

someone once said, " it takes Peter more courage than we know to acknowledge and to seek reconciliation with the mistakes He made". The Peter who disown Jesus thrice. Can we all do that? I suppose no. we all just live in arrogance for sorry is the hardest word to say to the person whom we have wronged, the God whom we have disobeyed, and the loved ones whom we have hurt. whether I know the truth or not, it matters no more, because the truth was never upheld at all. whether i was onced love or not, it matters no more, because love in whatever form never conquers it all in our world of mistaken strawberries and kisses.