I stood on the chrome railing and lean forwards letting the wind blow into my face and inhaling the smell of the gushing waters below me. On my right was the astronomist with his eyes fix on me, waiting for me to speak. I was a lonely number of square root 3 until I met him, another lonely square root 3. He was there all along but as of late, I started to notice he was quietly co-waltzing by. If together now we multiply, to form a number we prefer, then we can rejoice as an integer. Then we will break free from our mortal bonds, with the wave of magic wands. I ran out of vocabulary to explain my position that day but behind my tongue tied limited brain functioning capacity, was an unfathomable sea of emotions.
Everything I was blurting came out wrong and so I adopted my commandment of thou shall not speak if it will make thy sound like an idiot. Well, damn my idiotic-ness I spoke, "What's your problem man?" "You!" he replied. Usually I would put on my girliest best when indulging in conversations with the astronomist but today, I was on a shite-you temper. "I already told you, I am not ready for this religion above all thing. I do not want to join the leagues of hypocrites. I do not want to preach the holy gospel, go to church every sabbath day, pray for the victims of the earthquake and the whole wide world who is in suffering every wednesday night, nor do i want to read my leather covered manual anymore. Call it the work of the devil or any voodoo nonsense, but for once, i want to live a life that doesnt involve me selling my soul to God". There you have it. My thoughts and frustration summarised in my 5 second speech. Someone breaks the commandment and no one gives a fuck above it but I hand in my resignation letter to this God club and everyone is breathing down my neck. Don't y'all get sick and tired of all those who sign the deal with God and breach it like there is no hell. Don't y'all feel ashame that you seek restitution to your salvation by 'pretending to repent?'.
All wanna walk the talk but yet when no one's watching, we hide underneath our bedsheets to watch porn and wank our hearts out. Y'all live a life lighted up with smokes of deceit and lies by day and by night you go to Him wearing the righteous rob. I do not want to do what Jesus will do because that is just utter nonsense. If every christian did that, i would not be where i was 3 months ago. i wanna do what every man on the omnibus will do. Those who read the bible but has built their happiness upon lies that has destroyed others and left broken pieces around. Those with eyes that could see what is in front and never the sides. Those who play the role of the phantom in this opera, sing melodiously of the Gospel but yet evil plans lurks underneath their mask. Over the months, faith became just a word that was in everyone's speech. While trust became the most second popular word. Standing in the House of God during my darkness was like feeling lost in a forest. Those who was standing out in the light speak with so much grace and yet when asked to stand in the darkness, they curse it. They give excuses for it. Christianity become a badge. Tears streaked my face as I spit those words out. Harsh yes but Disappointment came with a capital 'D'. Damage came with a capital 'D' too. I was both. When you are so infatuated with someone, it's very difficult to see them for what they really are. Until i made it over the sane dunes of hurts that they left and made you feeling worthless, I was still crawling in the desert craving for a drop of affection from anyone...It was a hell of a journey through the desert. I became a mirage of bravery and strength but no one saw the sun shinning down on my back and no one felt the heat through it all.The astronomist came over and wrapped his arms around my trembling body. He helped me down the stand rail and held me in his arms, letting his heart beat guide my rapid emotions down to a slow steady pace.I knew my tears were tears of disappointment rather than hurt. It was knowing that i wasn't shown respect for the emotions that someone had nurtured in me. It was knowing that inside, I finally found someone special who thinks the world of me but i was far beyond dutch courage to love him the way it should be. It was knowing that I have stumbled in my walk with God. It was knowing that accountability to Him now grimace, how do you report to this God that your actions and words have pulled one of his children away from him?
"But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea."
Faithful stewards to his children and creation you are not
It became all about you and not God
Tell me christian dude, are you a fraud
Leaving crumbs of lies and doubts
