Wrapped in my duvet, i put my novel down and wobbled into the kitchen to catch a glimpse of the anger that was brewing tea. I felt so much like a beanpole actress who has just had sex on the couch and is all naked underneath the duvet. i wasn't. i was fully clothed from shoulders to toes but rather the chilly weather in early summer wasn't doing justice to my decency. I was swimming in the pages of an idyllic love story when i heard banging of cupboards in the kitchen at the doctors' shed. I could feel the heat of anger radiating from there. Thou shall not intrude into the life of another higlighted in my mind. Ignorance wasn't bliss as the banging and cursing became louder. Should i or should i not, so thought the hamlet me.
I peered timidly into the kitchen and almost dropped my duvet on the floor when the voice in the kitchen boomed, "i see you there"!. and that was how again, i broke my own commandments of intruding into the life of another soul. two sipping angrily made lemon tea, one pouring his heart out and another humming chasing cars by snow petrol in her head. There is no need to prove myself worthy of a being a listening ear, i showed and tell through my actions and thoughts over the months. I earned this 'right' for me to speak and this 'right' to listen. a 'right' i was afraid to own and would rather give away. Every time i open myself to other people's life, i let my heart entwin into the misery, the sadness, the pain and the troubles.
i hear him dish out a list of dirty laundries of his relationship, her inadequacies and her failures. he thrashed out details on how hard things have became that eventually 'explain' him leaving. was i suppose to feel for him when i haven't heard the other side of the coin spinning? was i to believe him despite his eyes and body language betraying him so clearly? what was he thinking, what madness has possessed him? was i to tell him what everyone has been telling him to do? or was i to be blatantly honest? they were so good together that i could not see where they went wrong, the dreams, the hopes and the passion? as thoughts swirled in my mind, i had to grip onto the table hard to prevent myself from falling off the chair.
"did you love her?" i whispered, trying hard to find my voice and myself.
He closed his eyes and sighed. after a moment he said, slowly, "The honest answer is that I do not feel I know her at the moment. I see her, the woman I dated, and she has not changed so very much. Strong, beautiful and that is how she is. But lately, I don't know. I made mistakes..." and he stared into my eyes searching for something to say.
I broke away from his gaze. My mouth took control "You were so busy getting rid of her over the last month that you failed to see the woman you fell in love with. your guilt eventually drove you away from her, not her actions. if it was, you would not have linger around for so long" oh please please lie, say something he wants to hear, a voice willed inside me.
" you spun your own web of lies that eventually tied you up.and that's also what drove you to board the express train to get rid of marion (was that her her name?)." damn it, why haven't i mastered the art to lie
"you never did realise that you hurt her so badly. so so badly. look at you, your life is still intact while you have messed up hers.. did you know or you rather be ignorant and be...a total bastard?" now, i have to made a run before he reaches for the kitchen knife and hack me to pieces.
I lifted up my duvet like i was dressed in this oversized bridal gown and hop of the stool. I didnt need to wait for an answer, his eyes and silence told me everything i needed to know. I felt it in my heart that another soul has just lost itself in the game of desires. another question that filled my mind, 'where is indeed the Lord who sees it all in all of these?' Was I just another angel sent, disguised in duvet and messy hair or was I just another passerby in this whirlwind of sadness?
we are all trapped in a a world filled with temptations and deceit. what may be truth to you may not be truth to another. The value on a coin with two sides remains the same, no matter how you see it. it is not how you spend your coin but rather, remembering the value of this coin when you first earn it.
