"The joy that radiates through your smile brings happiness to my heart" - I remember clearly back then when Christopher (not from Winnie the Pooh) told me that, I placed my fingers on both sides of his mouth, pushed them up to a big forceful IT the clown smile and said, "now that smile is scary."
Today, reading Chris's comment on my blog released me from my long desire to reach out across the world and smack him around the face for leaving us for the States. Rewind us back 6 years ago..is that how long it has been?..anyway rewinding back - Chris was that amazing tennis partner, amazing tournamnet buddy and amazing boyfriend with that ever charming smile. I was his Justine Henin on court and he was my Nadal.
While we went on a streak of match points on court, little did we realise we were also making a match point together off court. However it was a summer romance that left an identation in my life. A summer love that saw us picking balls in tennis courts, me falling asleep in his arms on bus rides, he helping me tie my shoelaces, he slamming tennis balls into my head, and me having someone to sit under the sun in tennis court benches talking about nothing.
I buried us in a time capsule when he left for the Arizonia desert and started an oasis of his own planting cacti and rearing camels. chase his dreams to become an economist in Wall street today. Our long silence was broken with my letter from the notebook and his reply or rather, I broke my no communicado draught.
At some point in any relationships, we will reach the "land of the unknown", where one person feels his or her heart getting involved and is unclear where the other person is. It is a scary place to be for you feel yourself become vulnerable and you really do not want to explore there alone.
With Chris, our relationship did not end when he left...it just halted there. He felt there was more left in our journey while I just was not ready to get of the train ride. However, it became clear along the timeline that it was time for me to get on down the road. We made things complicated for ourselves sometimes. What could be a really simple, "yes I am in a relationship" or "no I am not in a relationship" became a "Its' complicated". What could be so complicated?
We were on different railway tracks back then and so are we now. While he wanted to get busy getting heart attacks from watching the market shares, I wanted to wear wigs and robes to giggle like a mad woman in court. Now he wants to expand his bank account while I want to expand my horizons in life.
Chris asked, "Is this how every relationship ends up when it doesnt end up in marriage? We all become strangers in each other's life and we just move along with life pretending that the other does not exist."
One thing for sure - we do a pretty good job pretending all our lives. We were strangers to start of with and we became strangers to end it too. However along that transition, we all pretended to be someone else. A friend, a joker, a helper, a listener, a communicator, and everything we can be. As the play ends, we walk away pretending we never met before on this stage.
Matthew 6:1-6 (The Message) - Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don't make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won't be applauding.
So yes that smile is indeed scary for really, it was all just put on for a great show.
