It is a trepidation to read his blog. To assimilate the acerbic yet mirthless words. to not want to indulge in an acriminious debate with him. and to remind myself that behind his deluge of Godly words and pontifications on the way to live a life of Christlikeness, is a man that carries such dishonest peccadillo which eventually led to my heart broken to pieces beyond recognition. it is that stench of heartbreak, betrayal and lies that permeates through everytime i scroll my eyes up and down the word scribbled on the pages. What maketh the person you are at the present can be very much influenced by your past.
While it peeves me that shards of my memory of him remains saccharine, it peeves me even more that my heart race up a notch everytime i peruse the pages of my past with him. The very man who reads His words and used His words to tear my soul apart. This very boy whom has swipe me off my feet into the clouds in being enamour with him. This very person who seeked solace in my desolation, who rocked my santuary of happiness, who trash our relationship apart and flouted the holy grail of all friendship by sharing my deepest and darkest fears and secrets with another is now blogging about the path to enlightenment. I am humbled beyond belief that this is the same man who has used a scripture from the Bible to validate a seperation. the very fact he was regaling in ultimate bliss and showed little contrition for the things he did - amazed me.
I am amazed. truly. I. am. God is great in many ways. Hmph...so convicted I am that God delights in ones' dishonesty and lies. I tried my very best in all the years to change the very core person he was, encouraged myself into the lies and got trapped in this maelstrom of delusions. in the end, I ended up with fingers pointing all over me. Me, for being paranoid. Me, for being controlling. Me, for being precarious. I was deluged in a sea of 'its all your fault'. So, I am a person with such great predilection to dominate a person's life that I ended up in this little place called - my lala land?
I became the mistakes in his life. the specimen of unfathomable mistakes of...sex; kisses; nibbles; licks;
While politically correct people will stamp disclaimers of mistakes on their past when they run for presidential election, do religious people also label and file their ex-loved ones mistakes? News flash, they do! Like how Satan feeds on miseries and would go all out to make sure you get a dosage of it, some people fed on fulfilling their heart desires and went all out to make sure i got a dosage of selfish syrup. I was then labelled and filed in this folder called, stupid mistake.
I was the defenseless hockey puck at the mercy of satan and his demons when i treaded upon the dark alleys of misconceptions of love and faith. God's words were indeed so powerful that it was used to whack me around in the game - God said it is time!!! God said you are not meant for me!! God said this. God said that. remember, how much you drive me crazy and i am silently screaming and pleading for my freedom!!! now i truly fear, simply because however protected i was then or am now in the truth, i remain vulnerable to attacks from unsafe people who has the audacity to simple thwart the living daylights out of me simply to win their game. to score a goal. to make sure this hockey puck slammes right into the net of championship. Blood is not thicker than water. It is just redder and yummier!!
someone once said, " it takes Peter more courage than we know to acknowledge and to seek reconciliation with the mistakes He made". The Peter who disown Jesus thrice. Can we all do that? I suppose no. we all just live in arrogance for sorry is the hardest word to say to the person whom we have wronged, the God whom we have disobeyed, and the loved ones whom we have hurt. whether I know the truth or not, it matters no more, because the truth was never upheld at all. whether i was onced love or not, it matters no more, because love in whatever form never conquers it all in our world of mistaken strawberries and kisses.
