To the New Year Baby!

its another one day before the year ends. all throughout this year, so much has happen and without me thinking much, its now going to be over in a wink of an eye. The year itself feels like a blur. like i stepped outside my body and watch all those things and events going around me and yet unable to do at thing or two to stop the bad and the ugly from happening. Although I am blessed with a supportive group of people, I always have this tingling feeling that I am all alone inside. It really hurts to be playing tough, to have no proper shoulders to cry on and not to have that one person I can really rely on, for better or for worse. At the end of everything, I just want to go back to someone who will perpetually be there to rub my tired backs, massage my feet, envelope me in one big bear hug and tell me that everything will turn out alright because no matter what happens, I always have him. I am this point of my life that I really yearn to be taken care of.

But i know better. Everyone that has been there for me or could have been there has drifted, run their course of the race with me or are getting occupied with their own life crisis. As much as I am looking forward to next year as another new beginning and close the chapters from this year's book, I am also afraid. Will it be another 365 grueling days of battling it out on my own? What does it really feel like to have someone there to be with you when the going gets tough? Will I ever know how it feels like?

Its a fresh start for all of us next year. We hope that we will be able to get it right the next time round - try new opportunities, venture out into unchartered waters, try new adventures, make new friends and meet more people, have more fun and laugh like we have never laughed in years. I should be more impromptu next year. Fall in love without having to over-anaylse things or situation. Fall in love without thinking twice. Fall in love without worrying I might get hurt. Fall in love and Stay in love. Its still difficult even as the years go by. I still remember those smiles. those crazy eyes. those little details. those words. those frantic mumblings. those whispers. Maybe what they say is true, you never forget the first person you give your heart to.

But I guess screwing up is what makes love all abit mysterious. It's what makes the heart yearn for one more shot. It's what makes my life so colourful...it's the toughest decisions in life that we made no matter how painful it may be that makes each year count.

Next year, I vow to truly not be afraid to say it or show it..when I love someone. Since I am not fairly good at being alone, I vow to pray harder that next year, I will really go out and not be afraid to fall in love, not to be afraid if someone tells me he loves me and promise not to run a million miles when some good decent guy confess that he goes to bed with my picture at his bedside. I vow not to be so commitment phobic and I truly truly swear to try to give my heart away.

Here's a toast to a great 2010!

What's your resolution for 2010?

Calvin and Hopes

growing up really sucks. there is of course no denying with growing up comes financial independence (which can be a good or bad thing, depending on how much daddy and mummy was paying you in contrary to how much you are earning now standing on your own two feet) but i guess one of the major problems of getting older is that you pick up "responsibility". it's the inevitable "effect" of growing up, like it or lump it, growing up simply means that you must care about more things in the world. have more things on your mind and more worries guarantee less time to yourself and the inevitable loss of childhood innocence. how great those days were... those carefree, whimsical days when all you worried about was what mom packed in your lunchbox that day and how you were gonna avoid getting pelted with rocks by Billy the Bully during recess. ah...the memories.

i was lucky to be able to catch up with a good friend from uni today. technically, he isn't from my uni. we just happened to be in the same country at the same time. i guess you could called us "accidental" friends. long story short, our friendship blossomed when we chanced upon each other when i was sightseeing in London and he offered to take me around. he did confessed later that he wasn't much good of a tour guide of London and only offered to do so because I looked so lost and he took pitied that I was alone. I did felt a tad crept out at that time but he turn out to be a pretty awesome friend who made London feel like my second home. he was always one of those people I knew I could count on and having him around while living abroad was one of the few blessings I thank God for. a true friend: he's always there when i need him. i pray to God that i could be half the friend he is to me.

so my stint in England came and went and naturally, after I returned, the long chats on the phone that we used to enjoyed with our free minutes came to a halt. we kept in touch but since we lived in different time zones, it was never more than the occasional mail or text message. occasionally, we might "bumped" into each other online and chat but it was never the same like the good old days.

let's call my accidental friend, Calvin. Calvin recently landed himself an awesome job in London as an investment Banker being a graduate from LSE himself. yeah, he's gonna watch his bank account balloon up now. what's even better about Calvin is that he is SINGLE and is actively hunting for that bachelerotte who will complete his cosy apartment in Camden.

we went out and chatted about life, love, relationship, Christmas and our pursuit of happiness. All in all, Calvin has grown up so much in this year alone and years of elite education at LSE has seen him grown from boy to man. He is still the same charming and remarkable man, grounded and sincere man that I shared so many heart to heart moments with. he has developed new views on life and adopted different stances on various things but overall we both agreed that growing up wasn't all that nice afterall.

growing up does have certain repercussions. you don't have those refreshing, innocent reflections on life anymore and you lose the creativity you once possessed in your childhood imagination. probably cause your mind is too often preoccupied with burdensome responsibilities and recurring worries. as a result, "grown-ups" become more cynical and weary after years of a hard life beating them down like red-headed step-children. i find myself becoming more cynical and sarcastic every time i take a sip of bitterness from the cup of life. i glare at little kids with so much envy and jealousy that they wet their pants and their parents label me as pedophilic. but how i wish i could be back in their shoes, exuberating so much imagination and raw creativity.

So we are both in our mid-20s now and while Calvin has achieved an amazing feat landing himself a job as an investment banker, I still didn't know what to do with my life. It's not that I do not have a focus in life, I am doing what I have been slogging in law school for but there is more to life than just being a lawyer, isn't there? I always wanted to be everything from a rockstar to a ballerina to a rich man's wife to being a personal designer shopper. Deep down, like most woman, I yearn to have a family of my own. To hear pitter patters of tiny feet and to have someone who comes home to me. Calvin tried to comfort me by applauding my achievements and my larger than life principles. He felt I am having it better than him and that I had cut myself a pretty good deal in this short span of a year. Although the comfort of having one another at just a phone call away can no longer be a privilege we enjoy, we still manage, he said.

Throughout life, we always tend to look back and think, shoudda, woudda, coulda. I shoudda have study medicine. I woudda have been a doctor and I coulda marry a doctor too. Well, maybe it helps not to be so hard on ourselves sometimes. Though the cosy apartment at Camden does sound luxurious and niceties, its still going home to an empty place. Nothing beats the comfort of being where home is. Truth be told, as envious as I am Calvin, I am not ready to leave my cul de sac.  I still enjoy going home to mummy and whine about the Bully at work. I have yet to really grow up. But that is another story. let tomorrow worry for itself for today is already laden with it. we can only hope that the sun will come out tomorrow.

Christmas past

It's the dreaded Monday after the Christmas holidays where some of us not so privilege souls have to drag their lazy selves to slog at work and compensate for the deficit in our bank account due to the season of giving. I nearly fell off my chair when I checked my bank balance this morning. It felt like someone had robbed my bank. or either someone hacked into my account and siphon my lifetime savings in just a span of a week. It seems then I will have to usher in New Year pauperized.

During the holidays, I over binged on the Turkey. guzzle enough liquids for my livers and/or kidneys to hate me. Hibernated like a Polar. Indulged in a buffet of heavenly desserts. suffered bruises courtesy of rowdy snogging Crowds. and gratified in the glory of Christmas Shindig. This year wasn't much about the presents. nor did I get my Tiffany's & Co. or rather the loveliest gifts were not placed under the Christmas tree. They arrived by air and was stuff in my postbox. The postmen in my country seriously need a lesson or two from Santa in delievering Christmas presents with style. They come in their noisy motorbike, honk incessantly at your front gate while you fumble to the gates only to be greeted by a rude grouchy stare and a loud demand for you to sign off their delivery manifest sheet quickly. It must be a crime to be popular and to be receiving gifts for Christmas here.

Thankfully over the years, I had the joy and blessings to be in the company of great peeps to celebrate this holiday season with. In 2005, I had my first English Christmas, the whole she-bang from Cranberry sauce to Christmas Turkey to Salmon to 8 inches of snow to boxing day. The whole fiesta. In 2007, I was most fortunate to have a Down Under Yuletide. In 2008, I flew back from England just to be able to do the countdown in a nick of time back home. This year, I feel that I needed a more chillaxing one. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't that I didn't expect another round of smashing Celebration but rather, I felt expectations are what ultimately killed the celebrations. when you start expecting Christmas to be all glitzy and gold, you place an unfair burden on yourselves and others to make it happen. and as greed is a human flaw, you eventually expect so much that eventually even the best Christmas would feel like a failed celebration in your eyes.

So when it comes to the Best Christmas, the Gold standards of Christmas, I don't believe I really have one. It could do without the Christmas tree or the 8 inches of snow. It could do without the Turkey and the free flow of champagne. it could also do without the presents underneath the tree. it could have a million without(s), but if it has that one thing, that one-liner that makes that christmas uniquely Christmas for that year, I am quick to cheer on it and ride a sleigh with you.

I hope all of you had your own wonderful Christmas time. Coming up next - New Year's celebration. Though I did say to celebrate it with a big bang, let's just hope y'all do not come back from the New Year's holiday hanging on drips or with a broken nose. A hang over is excusable. Till then, run along now and drown in your Monday blues...

All I want for Christmas is

Thank you for 2009

My weekend trilogy was amazing. I clocked in so many hours of sleeping, eating and drinking time that I am probably overworking all my organs. I managed to squeeze in a little serenity time at Borders but only to grab a cook book for Christmas present. The countdown to Christmas is always exciting, its looking forward to meeting friends and family, its knowing that there will be surprises waiting for you underneath the tree and its the memories of past christmas that keeps us on our toes, wondering what is in store this year for us all.

At some point in this year, we may get nostalgic and realise that 2009 will be gone in just barely 2 weeks time. Like drinking, its in that moment when the last drop tickles down your throat, that's when you see that moment of clarity at the bottom of your the bottle.

Someone made me realised that life is short and too often, I find myself not having say enough from my heart to the people around me. in life, everything comes in pair. the good comes with the bad. the beautiful with the ugly. the dark and the light. the beginning and the end. with good times, comes inevitably, the bad. at least in my life, I find this to be invariably true. for one, death is a departure. one of the tenets in life should be to have fun and enjoy it as much as possible before you have to leave.

I had a rather good 2009 so far, with a few days left for it to play a prank on me, screaming, tricks or treat!Before this year ends, I want to give my bits and pieces of awe-inspiring thank you rambles to those who have made my life count. you have to put it all into perspective. words may do no justice in capturing my profound emotions for all your people  and if you were just next to me, I would have manifest all these emotions into a big hug. However, as all my favourite people are scattered around the globe, words will just have to suffice.

In this journey of life, I am blessed to have had friends to discover things with. To grow with, to laugh with. To bitch with and to rattle with. For all of you who have came from far and wide, brace the traffic and put your livers at risk and witness my celebration of my 24th this year, a big thank you. For those who have tread with me patiently in my walk with God, guided me and enlightened me on His words, I owe you more than words can say. I can only tell you that you have given me the sight and the faith throughout the storm. For those who has whisks me away for holidays and getaways, thank you for sharing my stressful moments, my bad haired days, and left me with wanting more of you people. You kept me moving and looking forward when life throws me in the deepest end. I will not understand why you choose to be friends with me. I will not know why you all stuck by me and I will never have enough to go around for each and everyone of you sweethearts but I thank you all for such awesome 2009...be it bitter or sweet.

I ran through a fullisade of emotions and I like to believe that my rationality kept my sanity for the year, but what struck me the most is that you kept running this race with me. I can't say much for the next, what with female hormones, menstrual cycles and all the symptoms that precedes them. as we get older, our love comes with MANY conditions. we have our list of wants and our avatars of idealism. some of us, God-willing, may happen to meet someone who meets all these expectations. Nonetheless, with my flaws and imperfections, I am thankful that some of you could see pass them or even have the audacity to pretend that I am perfect as a friend in ways that I cannot conjuer.

I love you guys too for such an amazing friendship.

Here are snippets of my life in 2009

There were of course many others who has been part of my 2009 but they were and still are too far for me to capture any momentos with them for viewing here. They were the most extradinaire of all as they bridge the miles that seperate us with their phone calls, their emails, they drops -ins of hellos on msn and skype, their scribblings on my facebook wall and snail mails. John, Shean, Patrick, Wai Shin, Rachel, Victor, Roxanna, Maria, Joyce, Fungying & Paul Koshy, Ricci, Shawn, Andy, Hisako, and all my other friends whom I have unintentionally left out, it isn't because you arent signifcant in my life but rather, my memory tends to fail me at this age - thank you for 2009!

What Ifs

In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with … and the one that got away.


Who is the one that got away? I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose.


I believe in the fact that ending with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.


How often have you gone through it without realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.


Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And it’ll make sense, it really will.


So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you’re single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter.


All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.


You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?” That’s what the one that got away is. The biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.

If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already with the one you’re with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her every so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been,” but it happens.


Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing. But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different. What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple … find him, find her. Because the very existence of a “the one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got this one?


Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be “the one that got away” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.”


You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”


>>>> Do your best always. Think twice or probably a lot of time before deciding in doing things. It's not healthy having regrets and "WHAT IF's" in our lives. Be happy and always give your best shot in things that you really want to do... have a HAPPY LIFE and HEALTHY HEART always. meaning HEAL - THY - HEART!!

Sometimes Love just ain't enough

Dear You,

Now, I don't want to lose you

but I don't want to use you

just to have somebody by my side.

And I don't want to hate you,

I don't want to take you,

but I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.

But like a fool I keep losing my place

and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,

and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.

There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.

Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you

I don't want to blame you.

Baby, you don't have to take the fall.

Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.

Maybe I just want to have it all.

it makes a sound like thunder

it makes me feel like rain.

And like a fool who will never see the truth,

I keep thinking something's gonna change.

And there's no way home

when it's late at night and you're all alone.

Are there things that you wanted to say?

And do you feel me beside you in your bed,

there beside you, where I used to lay?

Love, Yin

Another day has gone

Note to self : pay a visit to Borders and drown myself in the world of literary fiction. I need to breathe in those words and take a break from everything. and i mean it. every damn reality.

Life lately is one of those cinematic moments where I see the world spinning around me and I am caught outside my body, seeing everything in its chaotic perspective. I am feeling under considerable pressure and I am being forced to make concessions. I am not particularly happy with the state of affairs but I feel I have no alternative. If I were to forced issues, I would be completely left out or completely ignored by one or all. The frustration I feel at work with the people I have to work with is uncomprehenable. People who have been forced to be on my team, not by choice but by a decision from someone sitting on an expensive swivel chair. I am not too good at disciplinaring people. I loathe confrontations and every minute of it, I have to try to fight back those tears of anger, frustration, craziness and at the same time, maintain my sanity.

the sad thing is, I've got a dozen apologies, a dozen "i didn't mean it", a dozen pointing fingers, but no real acknowledgement of wrongdoing. in the aftermath, there is no real growth. no progress. no improvements. I am ending up with more explaning to do and a victim myself - a victim of ignorance, a victim of indifference and a victim of incompetent staffs. This just disappoints me. It's not that I dislike my job. Its just that this will be another reaffirmation that I have to be MORE assertive.

We may be different sizes of pebbles. In the end, we are still pebbles in the same pond. We make it our job to make as big a ripple as possible. Bigger ripples last longer. They travel faster. But in the end, we still sink to the bottom of the pond.

Just not my cup of tea

a relationship is like a cup of tea. left out in the open too long and it just grows cold. i'm pensive about how it fell apart - was there something that i didn't do? was it something we could reconcile? when was the turning point? how can it be salvaged? but nothing comes to mind. well, not nothing. correction, a lot of things. so many things that they bump and cancel one another out to become nothing.

passion dissipates like evaporating steam off the wide orifice of a teacup. it's gradual, barely visible, until ultimately, it becomes cold and you're left with nothing but a soggy tea bag, half a cup of amber liquid that stains the glass, and the somber recollection of the warmth that once soothed the soul. now, the longer it sits, the more permanent the stain.

i'd say we were like oil and vinegar. a delightful mix, but never really homogenous. never really coalescing. maybe we needed a shaking. things needed a stir. but we were left sitting on the counter, powerless to stir ourselves, gradually separating into adjacent layers until we were completely distinct. the thin layer of our relationship was the only thing that bound us.




my thoughts are befuddled. too much thinking. i've had the sudden realization of the certain clarity in not thinking. the feeling of not feeling. it may be a bore, but apathy is a great panacea.

i was still waiting for a response when he stopped calling altogether. i guess that's when he made the conscious decision. he decided to severe ties. go into a incommunicado mode. i followed. and all that is left is the silence that echo in our lives. no more chatters. no more banterings. no more ringings of the phone. unknowingly, he texted me last night to ask me if this was it. I didn't reply. whispered to myself a quiet yes,deleted his text and went back to sleep. all that remained is mine unfinished cup of tea, now cold, left sitting on the table.

the vestiges of what once was.


we can only live for what the hope of tomorrow brings.

Ho Ho Ho

The Christmas when you were mine

Please take down the mistletoe

I woke up this morning and felt a twang in my mood. Gosh, must have gotten down the wrong side of the bed. It could be the festive seasons and the humming of christmas aria every nook and cranny that is bitting in me a little. Everything I want is so far away. Reminds me of how lonely this Christmas is going to get for some of us. Not some of us. Just us. You and me. You, who will buy another sweater for your mother this year. You who brace the winter chills with me last christmas. I am feeling nostalgic. a little lonely inside. I know this should not be a lonely time. I am reminded of that Christmas when you were mine.

Voice of an angel

Logically, I am suppose to love my job. Besides the incompetentcy of some clerks, the barrage of paper work, the disorganised clutter of files, and the occasional moonlighting as a loan shark to chase for payments from scrooge like clients, there is really nothing to not like about my job. Honestly, there is nothing to complain save for the fact that I have this small squeaky voice that should have belong to a girl scout, not a lawyer. but that has nothing to do with my job. it's about me. it's about this mousy tiny sound I make everything I speak. It's the annoyance that I get everytime the caller at the other side would say, "can you speak louder? I cannot hear you." It is the exasperation that I face when they say that. That umbrage that will show in my heated up face from tuning my vocal chords a few volumes louder. Maybe it's time I prioritize and exercise my vocal chords.

I am trying to be honest with myself. Everytime I am on the phone with a client or a Defendant or anyone from work, I sound like I am trying to sell chocolates to them. Like a girl scout. I should have work at a friendship call centre so men  can call in to seek solace in my saccharine voice after a stressful day at work. This is the very voice that make good rational men weak in the knees. So I have this weakness. A not so powerful voice like Mariah Carey. but it's fucking sexy sensual. Talking to me is akin to watching porn - the more you hear, the more blood rushes and after awhile, you just feel like exploding. The acid test that seperates the boys from the men.

I suppose it does not help either that I hardly say no to people. I try to be as girl next door as possible and this usually gets me into more trouble. I either find myself committing to something I would not want to in the first place but will satisfy others. I should be more assertive next time. I think putting my foot down can be an effortless ingenuity. It saves time, money and effort.

After some careful cogitation, tonight, and every other night from tonight, I will devote 5 minutes of my time to practice my vocal chords and train it to a husky tone. I will also practice saying, "No" in different octaves. Growling Nos. Whimping Nos. Squeaky Nos. Cheerful Nos. Apprehensive Nos. Booming Nos. Fiery Nos. Simple Nos. Isn't this an unadulterated genius? never, never underestimate the power of petite me.

Be assertive.

B.E Assertive.

Sorry, no comments. I am the lawyer, not the judge. Just pay up your freaking debt. I am not  free. I cannot help. Learn it. live it. Speak it.

I am going back to loving my job. I am lovin' it.

Boom Boom pow in 2009

It's that month of the year again. The last few days left before we count down to usher in a brand new beginning. It's also that month where most of us will be subjugated to delightful 5 year olds by the dazzling aura of yuletide cheers and frenzies. It is that time of the year when bonuses comes in and you gleefully laugh your way to the bank only to sob at the entrance of Saks Avenue or Selfridges on the following weekend because you have just generously donated all your life's saving to buying Christmas gifts for others and yourself (mainly). The mail industry is also experiencing their busiest time of the year this month. Flooded with greeting cards, letters, and bombs parcels all waiting to be sorted out and to arrived at the addressee preferably before Christmas. There sure will be alot of hard nipples at the port where those poor mailers have to brace the double cold brisk weather.

This entry is not going to be another yak about the miracles of Christmas. I have exhausted all ingenious creative writing to brag about the presents and cards that have been deluging my mailbox or rather, the cards and presents have stopped arriving. I am in despair but I can cope with the fact I only have a handful of friends who have me in their hearts to bother to make me ambrosial. In fact, this is going to be random. A whole page scribbled with whatever that makes me tick. Yes, for once, it has to be about me. For 345 days, I have been traipsing on egg shells, worrying that if I the decisions I was making will come back to haunt me one day. Within a span of a week, I have seen and experience, how short and unexpected life is. It has come to my senses that whatever decisions I made, the worse outcome is that I am wrong. I will be wrong and no dead. No wrong can beat death. Even if I made a mistake, I am still living and breathing. Unless of course, I am silly enough to make the mistake of driving under the Influence. However, as I have etablished through the course of writing and as clearly evidenced by my paper achievements, I am a bright and intelligent woman and would have more senses than to be intoxicated and attempt a F1 feat.

It's amazing how our human body is made to adapt, adjust and accept new conditions. When we were younger, we always felt infallible, almost immortal. We were idealistic. not yet jaded. Then most of life lessons came in unexpected ways, all of them leaving a scar. Unfortunately, there are drawbacks of having to learn everything the hardway. It would have been far more easier if I had been built with a mircoship embedded in me to guide me in every decisions I made and to warn me of the dangers lurking withint a seductive smile, a rousing wit and a clever conversation. But we never learn from simply observing, do we? It's the hands-on experience, the trauma, the drama and the pernicous catastrophies that puncture our protective bubbles and leave us vulnerable to infections and viruses that threatens to take out the light in our eyes. It's the volatile mixture of what life brings us that makes an impression and nothing can ever detract from that.

When something goes wrong with your life, the universe doesn’t care; life goes on. One day comes and then another and then another. And sometimes if circumstances are bad, I can assure you, it can get worse. It is really up to you how you want to live.
 

If you have survived the maelstrom and pandemonium of 2009 till this far, give yourself a pat on the back. Your miraculous account of your surviving 365 days in life's harshest circumstances of the year (whatever may be) should be made into a movie and documented to be a best-selling novel. So, do yourself and the rest of the world a favour, find yourself a good publisher and an editor to record your testament of a heroic 2009.

 

Don't let this year be the most important year that has happened to you. Look forward. You will have a future. You will have a life. What I had gained at 24, some people only learned at 42. We all have our own 2009s to overcome at some point in our life. There is only so much we can work for. Even if we work 24/7, there will still be more to do. And completing work leads to more work. I don’t want to reach 90 and say I wish I were 19 again! Now we can’t all be like Bill Gates or Tony Fernandes. The success is in aiming for that.

 
We all only experience what 2009 has to give once. The surprises and shocks that 2009 has to give is almost running out. Our lives belong to us. Whatever the year has given to us or taken away from us, we must make do with whatever we can with it. No one is going to live this life for you nor achieve your dreams for you. So live out your life. Live your dreams. If not now, when?

Chuckles for the day

Humour 1
During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted to the hospital.'

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we give a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.'
 'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup, right?'


'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the drain plug.


Well........ Do you want a bed near the window?'
 
 
Humour 2
 

Humour 3

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh! Am I driving?'


 
Humour 4
This is a ceiling mural in a smoker's lounge

Humour 5
Anil came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.


When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Anil, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'.

The mysterious Man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm Yamraj'. Anil was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'.

Yamraj replied 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.' Anil was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'


It's not so bad' replies Anil, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like 'I'm about to explode'. You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'. 'Never' replies Anil

'Well just relax and let it happen' And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting

Anil, wake up you drunken idiot, you're shitting on the bed'.

Brown packages tied up with strings

Snowflakes on windows and christmas is coming,

Bright colour lights and misletoe kissing,

brown paper packages tied up with strings,

these are a few of my favorite things.

When someone leaves, when the wound stings,

when I'm feeling sad,

I simply remember my favorite things,

and then I don't feel so bad.

 

Yuletide is just around the corner,

friends all over the world is sending me gifts

just receiving their heartfelt wishes make my heart warmer,

opening those presents see my spirit lifts.

 

Look what came by the mail for me today

Brown package tied up with strings

with brown tape plastered in a messy way

 

 a cheque that makes my bank account sings

a love letter that melts my heart

 

and a sanctuary spa from my sweetheart

 

Christmas came early all thanks to Plan Bee

In loving memory of Mama Walrus

When death comes knocking

As I thought this year was going to be one where I will not suffer a profound grief like the 2 years before, the rug was swept from under me. This is the 3rd year in consecutive that I find myself losing people who occupies huge spaces in my heart. Now, there are so many empty rooms to fill. a vacancy. a vacumm that I can never know how to fill. You never really get over the loss of a loved one, you just try very hard to get on with your life.

In 2007, I was 6 months fresh back home from England. I remember vividly leaving for K.L. after spending Chinese New Year with grams where I was sitting at the footsteps of my maindoor when grams said to the back of my head, "come back more often alright?" and I just nodded without turning to look at her. 2 weeks later, I lost her to dehydration/gaut and I will never hear grams telling me to come home to visit her anymore. It was heartbreaking for me because I never had the chance to say goodbye and even more difficult for my mum who felt she could have done something to save grams.

In 2008, I was midstream studying for my final hurdle to qualify to be a full fledge lawyer when Jason left. It was exactly a year after grams passing and his parting words still resonates clearly in my ears. It shattered my heart into a million pieces and he left a hole in my heart that is in his shape that no one has seemed able to fill. I felt my loneliest hours in England, my coldest Spring and my bitterest tears was called forth by the memory of hours we spent together, the promises broken and the dreams vanished.

Today in the year 2009, I lost my godmum, someone I fondly call mama walrus. That woman who made funny jokes with me, that woman who rang me all the way from Malaysia when I was having a hard time in England just to hear me breathe, that woman who made the walrus family complete and that woman whom I will never get to tell her, that I love her.

Each and every one of them took a piece of me with them when they left. All they left behind were memories that I had to live with, memories that I know will never be enough to last me a lifetime, memories that will soon fade out through time. the reality of impermenance hit me. Although I have experienced the grief of losing a loved one, it never gets easier with the next. Each and every person who takes up residence in my heart deserves to be there in some way. They are irreplaceable in their very own aspects. Most of us cannot understand how to cope. Our intelligence is reduce to that of a child and our innocence is shattered.

In the first year, you look the same, but you’re different. Someone who was a part of you is gone. You feel as if you’ve been abducted by aliens who have conducted experiments that have changed you. You look around for others who have also been abducted (lost a loved one) to compare notes with. You know those who haven’t lost someone close yet will be abducted someday too. But you can’t tell them much about it, because they won’t believe you.

The first couple of years: You know how it is when you’ve lost a tooth, and your tongue keeps going to the spot where the tooth used to be? Your tongue is drawn to feel the remaining sharp edges and to repeatedly examine the huge gapping hole left in the tooth’s place. You realize you’ll have to learn to eat differently. It’s sort of like that, losing someone you love. Your mind is compelled to review every detail of your loved ones life and death. It’s a seductive kind of torture that feels good while it hurts.

By the 3rd year after losing a loved one, you’re busy with your life. You don’t cry much. Things seem okay, but then you remember: They’re gone. They’re still really gone. It’s like getting the punch line to a very bad joke, over and over.

It never gets better. You just learn how to cope. There may be new people to fill in those spaces but the gap never closes.