During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted to the hospital.'
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we give a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup, right?'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the drain plug.
Well........ Do you want a bed near the window?'
Humour 2
Humour 3
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh! Am I driving?'
Humour 4
This is a ceiling mural in a smoker's lounge
Humour 5
Anil came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Anil, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'.
The mysterious Man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm Yamraj'. Anil was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'.
Yamraj replied 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.' Anil was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'
It's not so bad' replies Anil, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like 'I'm about to explode'. You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'. 'Never' replies Anil
'Well just relax and let it happen' And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
Anil, wake up you drunken idiot, you're shitting on the bed'.
