Life lately is one of those cinematic moments where I see the world spinning around me and I am caught outside my body, seeing everything in its chaotic perspective. I am feeling under considerable pressure and I am being forced to make concessions. I am not particularly happy with the state of affairs but I feel I have no alternative. If I were to forced issues, I would be completely left out or completely ignored by one or all. The frustration I feel at work with the people I have to work with is uncomprehenable. People who have been forced to be on my team, not by choice but by a decision from someone sitting on an expensive swivel chair. I am not too good at disciplinaring people. I loathe confrontations and every minute of it, I have to try to fight back those tears of anger, frustration, craziness and at the same time, maintain my sanity.
the sad thing is, I've got a dozen apologies, a dozen "i didn't mean it", a dozen pointing fingers, but no real acknowledgement of wrongdoing. in the aftermath, there is no real growth. no progress. no improvements. I am ending up with more explaning to do and a victim myself - a victim of ignorance, a victim of indifference and a victim of incompetent staffs. This just disappoints me. It's not that I dislike my job. Its just that this will be another reaffirmation that I have to be MORE assertive.
We may be different sizes of pebbles. In the end, we are still pebbles in the same pond. We make it our job to make as big a ripple as possible. Bigger ripples last longer. They travel faster. But in the end, we still sink to the bottom of the pond.
