2 years later

For a long time, I had in my head the words I wanted to say most if I saw him again. I have rehearsed those speeches in my nightmares so many times that I thought I could reel it off at the top of my mind if I ever bump into him. When it did happened, when he finally sum up enough courage to ask me out for coffee and chat, the ghost of our relationship has already found its resting peace and the disappointment that has been left unspoken of for 2 years is so prodigious that I honestly think, would never go away.

 

Nevertheless, it felt like a huge boulder stone has been lifted off my chest to be able to trash out my emotions proper after such a long time. The long silence served its purpose as  a.) space for us both to breathe, b.)healing turf for my pain and c.) an aperture for me to grow with grace and in maturity.

His apologies and contriteness were expected. His admittance of guilt of infidelity and of being a cheating jerk were anticipated. However, I did not augur that his idealogy of me as a person was bended and distorted to an extent. He expected me to club him to death. I would rather he stay alive and live to reflect and regret on his selfishness.

After being part of his life for half a decade, he knew so little of me, understood just a fraction of my character and never saw that I profess the emotional intelligence to cope with his lies and transgressions, until that day.

I am not perfect as a person. I admit that I have my imperfections. I had my fair share of ugly side and tantrums throwing in the relationship. I whined and I complaint. I had my dissatifactions and I did drive him up the wall crazy with the expectations I set up for us.

I was stubborn and silly. No matter what the odds were against us, I persisted to help pull us through the storm, even if it meant mending heartbreaks after heartbreaks. I refused to listen when others around me told me - that I could do better without him.  

His book of excuses has expanded indefinitely. He confessed that he still possess a filthy lot of excuses till today. Old habits die hard.

Although the wound has healed, the scars never stop reminding me that once, someone that I loved so dear betrayed me. By his own admittance, he ran away when the going gets tough. He abandoned ship and took the easy way out. I just wished his character build up was better. If I am able to turn back time to when he was a child, I would teach him never to cheat. on his exams. and on his girlfriend.

The things I said to him 2 years later were the same as the words I had 2 years ago. Maybe then I lacked the maturity to articulate it the way I could now but the message has never changed.

The DNA that very much make up who I am still has not changed. Its surprising that he said I make more sense to him now - now that he is willing to listen and more compassionate of a person. I failed to tell him, if only he was not screaming that much back then, he would have heard what my heart wanted to say and it would have saved me from having to pick up pieces of my broken heart.

My well of bitter ale has run dry. There are no more vestiges to hold on anymore. It is cathartic to come together as adults and make decent conversations after more than 750 days in silence. It is a relief to be able to see the wolf in the sheep disguise.

If I could change one thing back then, it would be complications he put us through. The very foundations of our relationship, trust, has been hammered through and through by him. He literally pulled out the bricks that constructed our relationship and when that's gone, what more had he or could he have expected?

I very much doubt that he will be able to capture the catastrophic effect he has rained upon me. He never will because I think he lacks the emotional intellect to understand that feelings are fragile and a human heart must be treated with care. He is not a fighter when it comes to love. He is a seeker. A seeker of an exit door and a seeker of excuses.

Everything happened for a reason. His departure made me the person I am today, more stoic, more independent and more liberated. He freed me from those deceptive rose coloured tinted glasses and now my visions are clearer. Others have been right, I am better without him.

It now make sense that those closest to me were able to tell that I was falling for Mr. Wrong when I could not. Its now laid out so clearly in front of me why he is a bad idea. Perhaps then, I was too young, too willing to believe that all I ever needed in a relationship was someone who made me laugh. Things have changed. I am now wiser by leaps and bounds now that life has played its little joke on me and my cynicism has just about eroded the last of my girlish hopes and dreams, imbuing me with a wary eye and an unfailing gut feeling.

Blame it on those damn rose-tinted glasses again, but when I was in the throes of a passionate relationship, it is easy to overlook the details, wave off his shortcomings, finding explanations and excuses. This fail relationship taught me something the hard way. Self respect, patience, never to disregard my gut feeling, courage and self confidence. This lesson came unexpected but it is always the hands on experience that makes an impression.

I don't know how

The only times that I really felt there was something between us is when you hold me close in your arms and caress my hair. I don't know how you keep breaking my heart and I cannot understand why I keep letting you do so. I thought I had all sweet memories of us packed up in the recesses of my mind. I have talked myself straight to believe that we are nothing more than just what we are now and will be.

It has been 6 months of laughing with you since we last sat in Winter Warmers sipping that nasty Lavender Milk Tea while watching girls walked by and taking in the hypes of conversations surrounding us. since then, you have held me close when it hurts, catch my tears when my heart aches, and make it all better when it feels so bad. You have made it so easy to live with you, so much harder to know that our time together is short, ticking like a clock.

My library of memories of you keep stocking up. Every chance I have to snuggle close to you, I breathe in the scent of you, the air that has your name written on it and when you put your lips on mine, I tremble. I just know, it will hurt even more, losing someone as dear as you. It will take more than 2 blinks to blink of those tears and it will take more than just distance for me to forget us.

Snippets of thoughts

"Unconciously, perhaps, we treasure the power we have over people by their regard for our opinion of them, and we hate those upon whom we have no such influence. I suppose it is the bitterest wound to human pride."

I must not deny the Astronomist of his brilliance. He is shrewd and mean. A deadly combination especially when he does not like you. It took me this long to realise now, it would hurt my pride more than my feelings if one day, my thoughts and opinions no longer hold value in his eyes.

The less someone gives a shit about you, the more apt you are to try to please them. It will drive me nuts on an internal level if the Astronomist stop responding to my affections. Not that I have shower him with enormous amount of predilection but just enough to be liked. Humans are funny in that sense. We keep testing the waters to see if we can evoke some kind of reaction, and if we get it we are validated.

Often enough, validation is the sole goal, and once we've achieved it we quickly lose interest. This is what is called 'taking someone for granted.'

And the Astronomist knows it when he is being taken for granted. I lack the acumen to lap up on his love like a sad puppy and yet I want to take the moral highground, be nice and rain my affections on him.

It's pretty screwed up if you think about it. Rationally, we know that we should draw close to people who care about us as much, or more than we care about them. In practice, it's usually much different. We value those that don't give us our due.

That's why I failed to buy the Astronomist a Valentine gift and if I return his gift to me, I know it will crush his heart to a million pieces. I can't possibly be that greedy to keep his gift when my heart is already not in it for real.

I just do not know how to walk away eventhough my heart already has.

Believe 11:2

I once wrote;

If anything, leaving an old relationship, and severing ties with my past life have taught me to believe in humanity even more. How so you may ask? Simple. We are all kindred souls, each and every one of our lives echo each other’s experiences – beauty, love, faith, wretchedness, spite, and loneliness. I have, in so many short months learned that each and every one of us lives with memories – connections to the past and cages from the future. Everyone around you lives with something deep in their lives that they are trying to get over. In short, everyone is trying to cope. There are no princes or princesses because there are no perfect people. Everyone has lost and everyone remembers. Those hurdles, be they bumps, hills, or mountains, are owned by and real to the person who faces them. It’s hard being a believer all the time and it takes far more courage even still to be a believer knowing that there is nothing left to believe in.

Keep believing.

Cupid Vs Tiger

Yellow Peoples, Chinese New Year is just around the corner. According to Wikipedia, Chinese New Year is the longest and most important festivity in the Lunar Calendar. According to Nie, Chinese New Year is the only time of the year, everyone gathers to give and collect money respectively. Don't you agree? What other time of the year are you allowed to visit people's home or people will open their gates so wide to welcome you so they can give you money without asking anything from you in return? On top of that, they even feed and water you, for FREE TOO!! So good or not, this festive season that the yellow peoples celebrate? *grins*

This year, February 14th 2010 marks two occasion : Valentine's day and Chinese New Year. Cupid Vs Tiger.

"Whether you see Valentine’s Day as a chance to shower a loved one in gifts or a good excuse to order an extra-dry gin martini, you’re probably going to think about love at some point that day."

"Whether you see Chinese New year as a festive season to rake in the "ang pows" or a good excuse to binge eat on all the cookies and delicious food, you're probably going to think about money and food at some point."

While some of us are blessed to be going back to celebrate the New year and at the least, have the reunion dinner with our loved ones, some of us have to make do with the comfort of friends abroad. It is at times like this, that we all yearn for the warmth of our family and the familiarity of our homes.

I have done my share in boosting the Malaysian economy; Squandered all my money to clothe myself so I will look pretty and nice this New Year and have been a fillial daughter giving my parents a small portion of my hard earned money as everyone around me seemed to be doing so. This is the first year I am digging money from my own pocket and also the first time after a little while, really looking forward to usher in the New Year. My Fengshui master prophecy this is a good year for the Ox, like me. He said this is the year a rich and handsome man will ask for my hand in marriage. He did not exactly said it in those words but you get the idea, I should be popping babies by next year. Peoples, Just laugh with me. We shall just wait and see the stripes the tiger will reveal for me this year.

As for Valentine's Day, I know the Astronomist is planning a surprise because the Dentist could not keep his mouth shut and spilt half the beans. I am not amused. Because the surprises that the Astronomist springs often sweep me of my feet and I am not sure if I can reciprocate in kind. My heart is a confused organ. Maybe I should consider an organ transplant? I sure hope he does not send me another air ticket to wherever he is going to be this CNY. Why't can he seem to get that I am just like any other girl?! All I want is the 1 carat, solitare, princess cut, VS1, colour E diamond.

Just kidding.

Truth be told, I do not know what I want any longer. On one hand, the smell of his freshly done laundry still lingers in memory and on the other, I dread having "the talk" with him.

Reality Vs Ideality perhaps?

Note: I am looking forward to the Golden Sands Retreat.

Flyday giggles

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

In a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'

In a Nonsmoking Area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push.'

At an Optometrist's Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

On a Fence: 

'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

In a Restaurant window:

'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

At a Propane Filling Station:

'Thank heaven for little grills.'

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

'Invite us to your next blowout.'

HAVE AN AWESOME WEEKEND BOYS AND GIRLS!! YOURS TRULY WILL BE IN THE CAPITAL SHOPPING TILL SHE DROPS. *GRINS*

My mother sent me this

A very successful Singaporean lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too close to the car and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a policeman was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche; it was completely ruined and would never be the same no matter how hard the body shop might try to make it new again.

His lights flashing, but before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before ,was now completely ruined and would never be same no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally calmed down from his rant,the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he said. 'You're so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important thing in life'

'How can you say such a thing?' asked the lawyer.

The officer replied, 'Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing?


It got ripped off when the truck hit you!'

'OH, MY GOD!' screamed the lawyer.

'MY ROLEX!!!'


Note: I wonder what my mother was trying to insinuate. I don't have a porsche and I don't have a rolex. Is she hinting she will get me the car and the watch? *Grins*. My mother sure loves me.

Sharing of the month

Sometimes in this world, bad things happen. Things that disappoint us and makes us say to ourselves, "Why God, why?" Sometimes, we might even get worried or afraid because what comes next is so uncertain and unknown, but quoting one of Charles Stanley's Life Principles, "Disappointments are inevitable but discouragement is a choice." I remember that I don't have to give into those feelings of fear and hopelessness. Here are two points to remember:

 

1. God is for us. (And if God is for us, who can stand against Almighty God?)
2. God often uses trials to position us for Greater blessings. (This thought process helps me to maintain a right attitude in the midst of trials.)

Also, Jeremiah 29:11 is a verse that gives me comfort in times of uncertainty. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Lessons in Fabruary!

February has slowly picked up from the slow start that January had to offer for 2010. Made my first blunder of the year when I told my boss that our meeting in the capital city of KL with the clients was on a monday instead of tuesday. So I flew us both down south only to learn that next time, I should check my calendars properly otherwise I will earn myself an "accidental" shopping trip and spend all my lifetime savings on clothes I cannot afford. I put up the night with PW who has a holy neighbour with a penchant for singing and shrieking like a banshee in the wee hours of the morning. After 2 sleepless nights, one blunder, overswiped credit cards, crazy bumper to bumper jams and lotsa lotsa dust I just could not be happier to return to my paradise island to recover from the trauma and stress.

I am learning this from February : Learn from the bad as well as the good. Fall down, make a mess, break something occasionally. And always remember that the story is never over.  

Last night, SM was having one of his moody days and asked me out to make him laugh. I failed. Terribly. I realised how he is the one between us both who possess the fineesse to think of the most hillarious things to say and make us both laugh over it. When he turned the table around, all I had was my bony shoulders and a warm embrace. I lack his capricious ingenuity. I think that is how different and similar we can be at the same time. He is whimsical while I am stoic...maybe this is what you call a balance. Even on his melancholic days, he is still able to amuse himself silly.

I am learning this from SM : Learn how to entertain yourself. Close the door, crank up the stereo, and dork out. Invent new dance moves. Play the air guitar. Practice your touchdown moves. Too many people are self conscious even when they're alone. Don't be one of those people. While you're at it, learn how to laugh at yourself.

SM took me up to check the pool area at his gym which has an infinity pool. When I laid on the gazebo and stared up the unfanthomable midnight blue sky sprinkled with glitery diamonds, I thought of my favourite people all over the world who are also staring up the same bright sky. Somewhere out there, someone's thinking of me, I hope. Made my day and even my week's worries all dissipated. Stargazings  do wonders to your soul. SM shared his philosophical lecture on how Gengkis Khan, despite being such a great man and conquering vast amount of land in China, would also have his weak and vulnerable moments. Yes, that self-praising prick was comparing himself to the great Gengkis Khan. Although Gengkis Khan conquered and was ruler of many nations, he too was not happy all the time. He could have all the power and women in the world but he too could also be an emo kid. Just like SM, he may have a gazillion friends and bank in a 5 figure salary every month, deep down inside, he is also an emo kid.

I learnt this over my pool-side star gazings moment : Happiness is not fame, money or power. The key to life is finding your sweet spot.

What lessons do you think Nie can learn from you or situations? What's one life lesson that you would wish to share with Me? What's the best philosophical advice you ever received from someone? Care to spill it for the inquiring mind? *smiles*

 

This shall be a 'Fabrualous' month.