An English Awakening

I honestly believe that at some time in our lives, the humdrum of reality will make us languorous. I am finding myself ensconce in a world where responsibilities and tedium is a daily suffocation and yet I can find no exit from it. Scribbling on the walls of Sprinkles of Magical Sweetness is my sole evanescent from the drift of adulthood.


This is where my thoughts are genuine, real and alive - as far as words, phrases, lexicons, sentences allow me to express. A place where I do not have to display maturity, stoicism nor pull up my socks and buckle up my shoes. Unlike the world I inhabit it, this is where people do not recognise me by my face...I am associated with the chemerical, the fairytales, the lovestories, the anecdotes, and the words that people read.

It took me over a year to detached myself from England. I held on so desperately to the little bits and pieces of memories, photographs, souvenirs, texts, messages, e-mails and whatever article that has an inprint of Great Britain over it. Everytime I bump into something or someone that reminds me so much of England, my heart will whimper, "I know you". I will shuffle my feet nervously, be on the verge of choking up and beret myself for not being able to let go. Talking about England always brings a glow to my face. That nostalgic glow.

Though it is good to be back, I only wish it wasn't so soon.

I still remember vividly that one night in England with ML in my living room packing and unpacking our boxes, half of our belongings strewn all over and unable to decide what to discard, what to keep and what to give away. I tucked away some of the best things England had given me in the reccesses of my mind and flew home at the beginning of autumn, when the leaves were falling and if you kick up those leaves, the magic is gone.

I flew back to England for the last time, smack right into winter for Sarah & Mark's wedding, graduation, and to be called to the English Bar.  I have finally arrived at the end of the road of a long and winding holistic education. Plan Bee was kind enough to house me in the winter and kept me warm and well fed with his yummylicious family recipes when I was there. He was also sweet enough to take me out for a romantic candlelight dinner at our favourite Spanish Restaurant the night before I left and helped me packed my luggage. He spread out on my suitcase like a Starfish so I can close it and warned me not to open it again until I have arrived back home. All that was 15 months ago but snippets of it still play in my mind.


It was heartbreaking when Plan Bee and I stood out in the cold and hugged each other tight. "I will see you back home", he said. I held back tears and slide into my cab which took me to the Central Station and transported me out of Newcastle, forever. That was when I thought to myself, This is it. This is real. No more texts of "I will see you in Eldon Square in 5 minutes", no more "Let's go to Morrison", no more "I am waiting for the 39/40 bus lah", no more stupid snow, no more "Counter No. 5", no more...end of english stories.

I checked my phone for the last time at Paddington station before hoping onto the Heathrow Express with a heavy heart...O2 has served me well for the years I was there. My phone beeped and beeped with all the goodbyes text, wishes of farewell and safe journey, all the request to come back soon -  If I could be more dramatic, I would have broken down, wailed, sat by the railway track and pledge my soul to England.  

And so here I am now. In the vestibule of the past and the present. I have encapsuled a huge chunk of England and  I am burying it in my lavender field. I have done a pretty good job cleaning up all sense of familiarity and longing for that country. A place that has open up sights, experiences, memories and given me a horde of friends from all over the world. It has connected me and awaken my senses, my thoughts and taught me independence. To quote, I matured in England.

Now, I am moving again. I lied at the beginning of this story. I did find the exit from the daily humdrum but I am just wondering - is this exit for me to take? A story I will leave for some other day.

Tea and scones are waiting for me.

Quay Side in Newcastle

I miss sitting by the river bank and watching the world go by.

What Ifs

In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with … and the one that got away.


Who is the one that got away? I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose.


I believe in the fact that ending with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.


How often have you gone through it without realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.


Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And it’ll make sense, it really will.


So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you’re single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter.


All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.


You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?” That’s what the one that got away is. The biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.

If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already with the one you’re with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her every so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been,” but it happens.


Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing. But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different. What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple … find him, find her. Because the very existence of a “the one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got this one?


Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be “the one that got away” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.”


You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”


>>>> Do your best always. Think twice or probably a lot of time before deciding in doing things. It's not healthy having regrets and "WHAT IF's" in our lives. Be happy and always give your best shot in things that you really want to do... have a HAPPY LIFE and HEALTHY HEART always. meaning HEAL - THY - HEART!!

A walk down memory lane

Last year, Post Bar school, pre-results and a day before my birthday, I sat in Leazes Park, on a bench in the middle of the park starring out into the lake in the middle, surrounded by emerald green grass which seemed to blanket the whole park. So, this is it, is it? It wasn't as though my life purely focused on finding a man. It wasn't. I just expected to find love, an ever after. a companionship, someone to pull around me like a person shaped duvet at night, someone to share alike with. love in its purest sense.

we met on my birthday. on a thursday morning trying to pour our minds out on math extension 1. like a story out of the pages of a teenage novel, we took flight on our virgin communication. never had we met each other nor spoken once to each other for 6months though in the same college and the same course. we were both too busy flirting out hearts out ignorant of what tangent and sin or 1.732 was. i was intringued by his sense of humour. we talked, we laughed, we giggled, and little did we know, cupid was there, somewhere, watching, waiting to shoot his arrow.

The thing is cupid, the god of love often is life messer-upper, making cute little mistakes that allow people to love in love with the wrong person.flipped the pages a little more and you come to see us sparking our romance. my hand in his pocket. us blushing like teenagers. his hand covering mine on the outside of his pocket. admittingly i was afraid, i never felt that way before, i never rushed into love, nor did i open myself to such vulnerability but that day, i let him take me on a magic carpet ride. never in a million years did i foresee us not speaking to each other again, ever. whatever drew us together, i just cannot explain. a need for companionship, a need for kinship, the attraction, it all felt real and put together it was too palpable and too comfortable to resist. and so it began. midnight chats, longing stares into each other eyes, silly antiques, and lotsa study sessions. when seperated by an ocean and living in different time zone, we opined our life on long distance phone calls, texts and emails. over the years, we accumulated an ocean of tears, a jar of heartbreaks, and a few albums of bitter sweet memories - the 18th floor hideaway, the lift rides and the kissing of phone booths. we pour our insight to each other. convinced we were soul mates, delivered from romance and riding on the cupid effect. we made pacts and covenants only for them to bind us so close in a haze of made believes.

often i have to hold myself against the edge of reality when i realised, i was falling too deep, too deep. we metamorphosis into each other's personality. like osmosis, too much of something in each of us seeped through our pores to the other. it was scary yet exciting. i began to live vicariously through him and he started to pull at the harp strings of my heart. I was too distracted by the melodious music playing that i failed to hear beyond the reality call. what i thought about love wasn't meant to be like this. you don't think a love filled with so much passion will turn out like this. and i don't know how to get out. i don't know how to walk out on a life. i just don't know how. i never worked out how to leave someone who was destroying my soul. or rather i never had the heart to pack my bags. so i ran the race but never got to finish it nor the medal.

i was constantly jumping from one heartbreak to another, mending each as hard as the past. the road to hell, perhaps? slowly it began to suck the life out of me. even the unmitigated highs and happiness of our relationship didn't make up for it. it wasn't my happiness. so it was all ended with a simple telephone call. we started to label each other, each moment, each inccidents, each year, each quarrel. love was never meant to be labelled. it was meant to be a feeling, an euphoria.

we broke the end of the bargain and lost sight of what we truly were inside out. acidic and painful. tomorrow is thursday. exactly five years down the road since that morning at the library. there will no longer be birthday surprises of a cake here or roses there. no longer the anticipation of waiting for birthday cards to arrive by the mail. it wasn't the loss of first love, the loss of grand amour, this was the loss of idea of love. this was accepting that tomorrow is a brand new beginning of historical ancient dinosaur 5 years. it marks my end of the bargain. to love myself above anyone and to grow up to be a better and wiser person. to accept there is never an ever after...i leaned back on the bench and whisper - ever thine, ever mine, ever ours - let the wind blow them away.

Momentos of Graduation 2008

I am unwritten, can't read my mind,

I'm undefined

I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines

We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your innovations

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Our Last Summer

Munchkin, as promised, our last summer - 21/6/2008

The summer air was soft and warm
The feeling right, the Newcastle night
Did its best to please us

And strolling down the Northumberland

We had a drink in each cafe

And you You talked of politics, philosophy and

I Smiled like Mona Lisa

We had our chance

It was a fine and true romance

I can still recall our last summer
I still see it all
Walks along the Tyne, laughing in the rain
Our last summer
Memories that remain
We made our way along the Tyne

And we sat down in the grass

By the Newcastle tower

I was so happy we had met

It was the age of no regret

Oh yes

Those crazy years,

that was the time

Of the flower-power

But underneath we had a fear of flying

Of getting old, a fear of slowly dying

We took the chance Like we were dancing our last dance

I can still recall our last summer

I still see it all
In the tourist jam,

round the River Bend

Our last summer
Walking hand in hand
Newcastle restaurants

Our last summer Morning croissants

Living for the day, worries far away

Our last summer

We could laugh and play

And now you're working as a scientist

The man that I miss, a violinist

And your name is Munchkin
How dull it seems
Yet you're the hero of my dream