Last year, Post Bar school, pre-results and a day before my birthday, I sat in Leazes Park, on a bench in the middle of the park starring out into the lake in the middle, surrounded by emerald green grass which seemed to blanket the whole park. So, this is it, is it? It wasn't as though my life purely focused on finding a man. It wasn't. I just expected to find love, an ever after. a companionship, someone to pull around me like a person shaped duvet at night, someone to share alike with. love in its purest sense.
we met on my birthday. on a thursday morning trying to pour our minds out on math extension 1. like a story out of the pages of a teenage novel, we took flight on our virgin communication. never had we met each other nor spoken once to each other for 6months though in the same college and the same course. we were both too busy flirting out hearts out ignorant of what tangent and sin or 1.732 was. i was intringued by his sense of humour. we talked, we laughed, we giggled, and little did we know, cupid was there, somewhere, watching, waiting to shoot his arrow.
The thing is cupid, the god of love often is life messer-upper, making cute little mistakes that allow people to love in love with the wrong person.flipped the pages a little more and you come to see us sparking our romance. my hand in his pocket. us blushing like teenagers. his hand covering mine on the outside of his pocket. admittingly i was afraid, i never felt that way before, i never rushed into love, nor did i open myself to such vulnerability but that day, i let him take me on a magic carpet ride. never in a million years did i foresee us not speaking to each other again, ever. whatever drew us together, i just cannot explain. a need for companionship, a need for kinship, the attraction, it all felt real and put together it was too palpable and too comfortable to resist. and so it began. midnight chats, longing stares into each other eyes, silly antiques, and lotsa study sessions. when seperated by an ocean and living in different time zone, we opined our life on long distance phone calls, texts and emails. over the years, we accumulated an ocean of tears, a jar of heartbreaks, and a few albums of bitter sweet memories - the 18th floor hideaway, the lift rides and the kissing of phone booths. we pour our insight to each other. convinced we were soul mates, delivered from romance and riding on the cupid effect. we made pacts and covenants only for them to bind us so close in a haze of made believes.
often i have to hold myself against the edge of reality when i realised, i was falling too deep, too deep. we metamorphosis into each other's personality. like osmosis, too much of something in each of us seeped through our pores to the other. it was scary yet exciting. i began to live vicariously through him and he started to pull at the harp strings of my heart. I was too distracted by the melodious music playing that i failed to hear beyond the reality call. what i thought about love wasn't meant to be like this. you don't think a love filled with so much passion will turn out like this. and i don't know how to get out. i don't know how to walk out on a life. i just don't know how. i never worked out how to leave someone who was destroying my soul. or rather i never had the heart to pack my bags. so i ran the race but never got to finish it nor the medal.
i was constantly jumping from one heartbreak to another, mending each as hard as the past. the road to hell, perhaps? slowly it began to suck the life out of me. even the unmitigated highs and happiness of our relationship didn't make up for it. it wasn't my happiness. so it was all ended with a simple telephone call. we started to label each other, each moment, each inccidents, each year, each quarrel. love was never meant to be labelled. it was meant to be a feeling, an euphoria.
we broke the end of the bargain and lost sight of what we truly were inside out. acidic and painful. tomorrow is thursday. exactly five years down the road since that morning at the library. there will no longer be birthday surprises of a cake here or roses there. no longer the anticipation of waiting for birthday cards to arrive by the mail. it wasn't the loss of first love, the loss of grand amour, this was the loss of idea of love. this was accepting that tomorrow is a brand new beginning of historical ancient dinosaur 5 years. it marks my end of the bargain. to love myself above anyone and to grow up to be a better and wiser person. to accept there is never an ever after...i leaned back on the bench and whisper - ever thine, ever mine, ever ours - let the wind blow them away.
we met on my birthday. on a thursday morning trying to pour our minds out on math extension 1. like a story out of the pages of a teenage novel, we took flight on our virgin communication. never had we met each other nor spoken once to each other for 6months though in the same college and the same course. we were both too busy flirting out hearts out ignorant of what tangent and sin or 1.732 was. i was intringued by his sense of humour. we talked, we laughed, we giggled, and little did we know, cupid was there, somewhere, watching, waiting to shoot his arrow.
The thing is cupid, the god of love often is life messer-upper, making cute little mistakes that allow people to love in love with the wrong person.flipped the pages a little more and you come to see us sparking our romance. my hand in his pocket. us blushing like teenagers. his hand covering mine on the outside of his pocket. admittingly i was afraid, i never felt that way before, i never rushed into love, nor did i open myself to such vulnerability but that day, i let him take me on a magic carpet ride. never in a million years did i foresee us not speaking to each other again, ever. whatever drew us together, i just cannot explain. a need for companionship, a need for kinship, the attraction, it all felt real and put together it was too palpable and too comfortable to resist. and so it began. midnight chats, longing stares into each other eyes, silly antiques, and lotsa study sessions. when seperated by an ocean and living in different time zone, we opined our life on long distance phone calls, texts and emails. over the years, we accumulated an ocean of tears, a jar of heartbreaks, and a few albums of bitter sweet memories - the 18th floor hideaway, the lift rides and the kissing of phone booths. we pour our insight to each other. convinced we were soul mates, delivered from romance and riding on the cupid effect. we made pacts and covenants only for them to bind us so close in a haze of made believes.
often i have to hold myself against the edge of reality when i realised, i was falling too deep, too deep. we metamorphosis into each other's personality. like osmosis, too much of something in each of us seeped through our pores to the other. it was scary yet exciting. i began to live vicariously through him and he started to pull at the harp strings of my heart. I was too distracted by the melodious music playing that i failed to hear beyond the reality call. what i thought about love wasn't meant to be like this. you don't think a love filled with so much passion will turn out like this. and i don't know how to get out. i don't know how to walk out on a life. i just don't know how. i never worked out how to leave someone who was destroying my soul. or rather i never had the heart to pack my bags. so i ran the race but never got to finish it nor the medal.
i was constantly jumping from one heartbreak to another, mending each as hard as the past. the road to hell, perhaps? slowly it began to suck the life out of me. even the unmitigated highs and happiness of our relationship didn't make up for it. it wasn't my happiness. so it was all ended with a simple telephone call. we started to label each other, each moment, each inccidents, each year, each quarrel. love was never meant to be labelled. it was meant to be a feeling, an euphoria.
we broke the end of the bargain and lost sight of what we truly were inside out. acidic and painful. tomorrow is thursday. exactly five years down the road since that morning at the library. there will no longer be birthday surprises of a cake here or roses there. no longer the anticipation of waiting for birthday cards to arrive by the mail. it wasn't the loss of first love, the loss of grand amour, this was the loss of idea of love. this was accepting that tomorrow is a brand new beginning of historical ancient dinosaur 5 years. it marks my end of the bargain. to love myself above anyone and to grow up to be a better and wiser person. to accept there is never an ever after...i leaned back on the bench and whisper - ever thine, ever mine, ever ours - let the wind blow them away.
