the one thing im thankful about tonight is that im breathing cos the last time i check, air is free. weeeee!! so here im sweating in between the cracks of my bottoms and breathing in free air tainted with what my roomie is frying in the kitchen..making me want to cry into my 2 minute noddles. giving my shopping list a pensive run through, i've decided to be parsimonious on the things i throw into my trolley everytime i waltz down supermarkets alleys. being more astute in shopping would provide me with more freedom to regale and throw myself silly in watching the figures in my bank account stay stable and sane, so thought myself.
given the heart stopping prices of petrol and the very fact that the pounds has drop significantly in value, means I would have to pray very hard that 1.) car would run on salt water 2.) someone would give me petrol for free be it shell or bp or anyone, im not fussy 3.) someone will help me push my car so i wouldnt have to break my spine. life has become too melancholy to remain optimistic. if i was a saint, i probably would be more thankful about other things tonight.
the astronomist reminded me not to be so parochial and if counting my putsule filled face a blessing will make my life propitious...then i should. the astronomist has been vexed and disapproving of my previous blog entry, having spoken to me to make good about it and not evolved to someone he didn't know, i am most cynical about his stand on the issue.
so i admit, i have been a wee bit judgmental about "the biotechnologist" lately. okie, probably a lot censorious about the things he said and the things he did than i should. he did renege on the relationship but by nature, he is not a monstrous person. is he? *shudder* if i find it incredulous myself to believe that the very person i fell in love with is not fiendish, who else can stand up for him and tell me he is not? while saying this, im not advocating what you did nor am i forgetting the emotional abuse you put me through, rather, i stop trying to pursue happiness. i am trying, exasperating, if you must say, to cultivate a Christ-centered, Christ-controlled life, and to have more happiness than i know what to do with. simply put it, one of you is enough to be a christian humbug make a person who wears her heart on her sleeve to stare at love in revulsion and never want/dare to pursue it.
the choices that we blithely made has cast aspersions on our sacrosanct relationship. i had hope both when together could talk because it doesn't really matter who is smarter, more perfect than the other, OR has got distorted face or still is a 5 year old childish kid...the point to it is understanding why BOTH got together as ONE, and remembering the core values we once saw in each other. distance didnt seemed to be the only undeniable problem, there was also communication. it was hard enough trying to volley back and forth the time difference but you had to make it harder to be dishonest and expected trust to come rolling home again.
and no matter how much i tried to string my sentences in the best possible manner, it ring wrongly in your ears. no matter how much support i try to throw into your life, it always seem to bring down your mirth in life. no matter how kind my words were, you conviniently scorn at it. no matter how i try to aloof myself from your past, it invariably seem to catch up on us. no matter how i stop looking, your shadows still lurked in the dark trailing to hunt me down for trial. you were always avant-garde for me in being so conniving about the things you do.
tell me - how can i expect to feel safe in love again? i will expect to always walk down the road, looking behind me, worried about who's betraying me. i will never expect to quite trust another person's motives again - even if they're the nicest person in the world. how can i expect to make love to another, cuddle up in his arms, knowing that he might wake up one day and slapped me with the words, "its a mistake?" and of course, i will never be able to confide in someone without the reaction i got from you? how can i expect to look at another child not think of him whose name shall remain sacred? a woman's life is always ruined when something like that happens to them. *double shudder*
i would like to think that you would make an attempt to expiate your actions.unfortunately no, you didnt. sigh, you cannot say i didnt try, do you hear me up there? Helllooooo...yarrowww? our last conversation was tainted with so much mendacity i cannot trace the truth in any of your sentences nor could i remember any tinge in your voice of the boy i fall in love with. it was a loud, abusive and obnoxious conversation sprinkled with pretence. it was heart wrenching. did you even realised that? did aussie land take out the core humanity i once knew in you and replaced it with a skeptical arrogant jerk?
i left australia with one litre of tears knowing silently that will be the last i see of him. womanly instincts, lovers instincts, childish instincts, god chick instincts..i had it right. then again, Yahweh is kind to you..very kind indeed for IF He had allowed me to see you again, I probably would have commited the worse sin and sliced off what manhood is left of you. hehe, just kidding, not!
the astronomist lamented that i never do the right thing. its not easy when a.) it will cost me b.) the wrong thing is more expedient c.) no one will know but i will know. Martin Luther King Jr said, 'Cowardice asks, is it safe? Consensus asks, is it popular? Character asks, is it right?
If I am indeed guided by Him along the right paths, i should be doing the right thing...so what is right now? writing this entry to acknowledge that i should not play the blame game like you did. to please Him. to please myself. to please the astronomist.to be more like Peter. able to come before those he has hurt and eat humble pie. everyone is a blessing and so were you. i wouldn't say you are not just because you may have thrash me around like the hockey puck at the mercy of your sardonic beahviour and choose to walk out on two lifes...for in every dark cloud there is a silver linning and I just go to learn to look for it.
if you can carry the armour of intergrity and honesty just for a weebit longer......then you my boy, have become a man. learn how to respect the word faith before you ask others to have it. its untouchable, its unseeable, its indescribable.
Reading and Understanding God's Word and Applying In life. RUGWAIL - did you when you left us? God is Good. Don't make Him bad just because you needed someone of a higher power to validate your actions. Don't use Him as a shield and don't use His words as the sword to wound another.
If truly you were afraid of Him, you should remember clearly, that day when you went down on your knees and propose, when you said, i wouldnt be sinning if im already marrying you. i may not be the epitome of everything nice, sugar and spice but i rather not be a santimonious christian.
even though you knew it wasn't right to betray or to cheat, you still did. *sigh*. the only thing that walks back from the grave with the mourners and refuses to be buried, is the character of a man. you knew who i am when we dated, i was far from that paranoid all controlling person you had labelled me as. rather, ironically, i did become that ingenous precarious human which i don't want to be, ever, period. why the memories that i buried deep with my feelings for you...is stain with once a liar, always a liar? *double triple sigh*. A character that will be associated with you forever and ever and ever, Amen. *triple shudder*
the very fact your actions has haunted me so much that it rob me of the right to walk up the stage and receive my graduation scroll - how can i not play the blame game like you? i learnt to look at you and remind myself that I will not sell myself out to be selfish. to remind that i will not sell my loved ones to betrayal and to remember the people who has guided me to be the very person i am today. you were one of them. hence, how do i blame you for making me the junyin i am at the present? there is a reason you didn't make it till now - you let go when i was hanging on the cliff. you stood with cold heartedness and watch me fell. all in your pursuit of happiness.When happiness is your obsession, you can never get enough. at least for me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain
