ONE TOUGH COOKIE CRACKING..........
At the corner location of starbucks we sat burgeoning our minds on summer, sipping on our latte(s) and chocolate(s) and trying to lift each other's spirit on the moment. I can still remember - feel it - rather I would say moments like those where everyone's is disheartened by something but just too afraid, too ego-istic , too bashful, too hold back - to spill it out. Clearly we try to write - "im tough" - on our faces. Once in awhile someone will click away at their mobile, crack a dumb blonde, poke fun at the fat lady at the counter or simply pull out a random topic from the air trying really - in fact too hard - to distract everyone from the storms, only to realise, it is all just momentarily - without denial, the heaviness and dampness in the heart stays.
Everyone has problems of the heart - we either own the pain or try to bury it. I feel my pain. It stays there like the tenant who will never move out. It seeks solace in your hurt and moves out when its time. You can try all ways to vacate it but it will stay until it is one satisfied occupier in your heart. the ones you love are always in your heart but you are never in their heart. they occupy so much of the space there and one thing for sure, you know its going to take awhile to get your heart back together again. but i believe when it go, it will be subtle.
Despite being surrounded by a noisy crowd in that little corner that day, I felt alone. Despite the warm sunlight out there lighting up the earth, it was darkness in my heart. Not just mine. But ours. There is this little spot in our eternal bright sunshine. A little spot that we cannot wipe out or block out no matter what we do.
Pain is a feeling that hurts so badly till everynight itself is a battle in your dreams. letting go is an art that not everyone can master. We think we can do it but scars are often left behind to remind us that pain has once been lived there. We spend so much time making sure we laugh so the world could laugh with us because when you cry, you cry alone and indeed the loneliness can be overwhelming. Yet when you laugh, there is no guarantee that the world is indeed laughing with you or actually laughing AT you.
i grew up with people planting mottos in my head, and principles that should supposedly bring me through life. over the years my heart adjusted to pain moving in and out everytime. i have a vague impression of what TRUE happiness feels like - everytime i think i am close to it or in it - someone or something has to come burst my bubble or drag me away from it. rationality flies out the window and numbness just surrounds my placid thumping muscle trapped in my body.
im tough is just momentarily pretention put on to fool the world. we eventually will go weary. I like softness, I like my bed to be filled with rose petals, I like my fall to be on clouds, I like soft bumps in my life - bumps that will not bruise me nor bring pain and leave scars. However, reality is a tough hurricane, it comes on hard and fast. So when it hits, you have to be tough - otherwise....*shudder*
I bit hard into my double chocolate cookie only to watch it cracked just a little. Frustrated, I slammed my cookie hard onto the table and miracalously it shattered into a million brown pieces - argghhh. Laughters at my silliness came aloud and for a moment there - we felt a ray of sunlight in our hearts
