Seawind

we both sat sipping out of our fruit juices and letting the salty seawind blow into our faces, our hearts beat in sync with the lapping of the waves against the beach, and our silence fill with the melodious background music. It was a night where there was no twinkling stars in the midnight sky, where nothing else seems to matter but just the thought of how we were going to say goodbye.

I gobbled up my banana love boat nosily, rolling the metallic icy cold spoon on my tongue and letting the creamy rum and raisin slide down my throat while hearing him rattle about life in general. Only later did he asked why I never offered him a taste of my ice cream galore. How impolite of me not to have done so.

Good friends come in bulks. Friends come in truckloads. Best friend comes in a specially wrap package. He came with awesomeness, or at least so he likes to think. He knows how to spoil a girl, how to make us laugh, how to simply be someone I can sit with and let the silence whirl around us. In 2 weeks, we learnt so much about each other. we taught each other to laugh a little louder. we took away each other's worries and fill the empty space with epic awesomeness.

why did it take me so long just to find that he was more than special? I am baffled and still is at how he swept me off my feet with the intricate details of his life we never shared. An afficionado my heart slowly haboured towards...a deep drowning that i would slowly experience.

Could he have been my yang to my yin? could i be worried about the love he has for another? i wasn't worried. i was just insanely jealous that that love belong to someone else and not me. what about someone to call my own for once? it is really immature. i should be proud of his capacity to love someone so deeply. to put someone else first before him and to be so committed to her. that for one person he had so much to offer to her like..more than he could as my best friend. and i was envious of that. that there was limitations drawn. that i could not be emotionally dependent on him even if i wanted to. that i always have to the strong one.

my throat constrict and my heart ache when he left. i would have stood there at the airport and cried my heart out but he still would've left. but i'm lucky. while some will never find get that special package delievered to them, i had. with a splash of awesomeness. how lucky we were to have had a moment, the two of us, sharing a happiness, the kind he would never have with me again, but which he could, for me.

I knew too that my grief was changing shapes. Tears still came and nights were often interminable. my pain was still real, sometimes very physical. but there was are years ahead of us and looking at them, imagining them, makes the pain not so painful. it would never go away, but it would get better and keep on getting better until it was something i have in just one part of me. instead of all through me, a part i could put away when needed and access again just as easily. but not the greater part of me, which was still intact.

Sweet memories as much as they make us smile...some are meant to be buried and forgotten.

only then are we giving our heart the space to create new ones