I will be guilty of gaucherie of the crassest kind if I exclaim that "2009 was THE most amazing year! A blast, that I don't mind living it on a rewind. 2009 I heart you!" I must confess, all that is left from the year are the crumbs of a mouldy relationship and a stale job that is starting to breed discontent. I made an astounding discovery of myself this year. I realised I suffer from a touch of logorrhea. My compulsive talkativeness is evident over the 9 months wherein I have whine incessantly of my monotonous life, grumble infinitely, moan regularly and throw a hissy fit once in awhile.
back to the 3 quarters of my year lament - Over the 9 months, I have inured myself to complaint - rarely complacent or satisfied. Of course if you compared the state of my conditions to those from a famish striken country, I am considered to be spoilt, upper crust and a tad overwight. However, my yardstick of equality is the Queen here. Doubleyewww Teee Efff, yes, The Queen. Obviously I haven't woken up from my slumber. Wake me up when December ends.
I have realised the followings in myself : -
1.) losing focus: - I have lost the magical compass in many areas of life.
2.) Rebelling - I am entering another phase of adult angst whereby I tried too hard to be on top of every game I play.
3.) Lackadasical - if others take life at a pinch of salt, I take a tiny grain of it.
4.) Short Attention Span - I think this should go hand-in-hand with losing focus. Since my attention span on things and/or people are pretty short-lived, I somehow reason this is why I lose focus so easily.
5.) Ignorant - I have learnt how to shut out and shut down. I have horne my sweeping skills.
6.) Patience - Despite my motto of ignorance is bliss, I still have a deep sense of patience in me with the rubbish the world throw at me. Maybe this can also be interpreted as a disregard of many things in life, not being too bother about the minuate details and being less interested.
With time running against me, I promise myself to take the last 3 months of this year to reflect on myself. My needs, my heart, my well-being and to reroute, defragment, and rethink how the past has affected me and what areas in my life needs to be changed. I am going to do a spring cleaning of thyself. A change that must come from deep within. To try harder to strive, to be faithful throughout and to be a resilient fighter. Truth be told, these 9 months is a beautiful mess of things unspoken, grievance unheard and love unresolved. It's beautiful because when I look back, I see rainbow strands of events woven into the year. Darker colours for bad days, lighter colours for cheerful days. It's a mess because some lose ends has not be tied. has not be burnt out. has not be tidied and even out. I am afraid. I am petrified to cut those lose ends, what more to burn them...this plague of fear has consume me bit by bit each day that now, when I stare into the mirror, I don't see myself anymore, just someone who has lost herself to the first 3 torrential quarters of 2009.
