It took another late night phone call to break my rhythmic pattern of sleep, to reset my nocturnal clock, to wake up to a crotchety morning and obvious tell tale signs of a person who had a rough night. It is getting trickier to maneuver through this thought of love is patience and everything sugar and spice. It is harder to perceive that distance is not such a HUGE issue. By the day, my disillusion is clearing up. The sun rises and sets at the same time. Or is it just a chimera that two working adults who live on the same Asia continent run on similar time zone? Is this love of his being unrequited?
Love is a choice. A decision one makes to see pass the flaws, to embrace the good, the bad and the ugly and above all else to be with someone for who he/she is despite the odds. I expected it to be this simple. I chose to give my heart to this person. To shower him with the grandest amour my feelings could contain. I can overlook the flaws. nobody is perfect, I am not perfect, I should not expect anyone to be impeccable. I can forgive his minor transgressions, bask in his goodness and accept the ignoble of which is sporadic from him.
Ideal situations are exiguous in our relationships. We met on soils foreign to us both only to part ways to return to our motherland to chase our own rainbow dreams. Two individuals with different destinations, disparaging dreams and different places we call home. We did not run parallel in this rat race. We may have bumped into one another along the way but when a divergence emerged in our path, we chose our own. Above all these odds, we found a kindred spirit in each other. An invisible bond that tie us. A bond which can be felicitously describe as a crazy little thing called love. This love that we have, to hold and to cherish, to trust and to accept without questions is more than just a feeling. It is more than a recognition of a status. It is more than having someone to call our own. It is knowing that this person will be there by my side, through thick and thin, through sickness and through health, through distance and through late night calls.
You see, knowing the antecedents of what love actually is doesn't boast much. It is the act itself that speaks volume. The actual self sacrificing act of putting your heart out there and opening it up to another is a whole different ski slope. It's not for the faint hearted. It is far more complicated than anticipated. You need dutch courage to launch out and go Whoo-Hoo with your arms outstretched with no parachute or safety net.
Well so yes, I fell in love with this man who loves stargazings and dominates my list of what I seek in a man. He is the best mistake I make. The perfection I seek. The one who makes me a better person as a whole. The one I enjoy a raillery with. The one whom I will stay up for in the middle of the night to console. That late night phone call however seemed to magnify the chagrin I had been feeling for awhile. There may be too much we have been sweeping underneath the carpet. A reminder perhaps, that somethings can never be denied its existence.
There is no right way to do this. Easier way to let it go. Less painful way to walk away. No dictation on how to do it, no compass guide, no words to string, and no saving grace from another broken heart.
Love doesn't necessarily make you a happier person. It is suppose to make you a better person though. Am I a better person? They say when you have found love, you are homeward bound and there will be endless summers. There will be someone to keep you safe from harm and arms for you to rest on. Someone to be around to catch your tears, watch you smile, and hear you laugh. I do not want to lose this feeling. I just want to try to be all that you have been for me. I do not expect perfection, just a negotiation and a little less complications.
