I tossed sleepily in bed as my phone buzzed off at 3am last night. Lazily, I opened on eye to checked the caller ID. Unknown. How typical at this time. On most nights, I would've just hit the cancel button but tonight, unlike most nights, I pressed the green answered button.
As I answered it, a familiar voice flooded to my ear. All too familiar. A surreal feeling of coming home. It's me, he said. I knew who was on the other side without needing him to tell me. He was that voice I seek comfort and solace in for a whole year. The voice that sooth me to bed so very often. Hey, I replied sleepily. He apologise profusely for calling so late. I knew better. My phone would not buzz at this ungodly hour. it wasn't normal. it wasn't him. it not a social call. his voice sounded distant. perturbed by something behind the hello. as though he wasn't there. clouded, a storm of pain and agony enveloping it. my heart sank. instinctively i knew something had happened. I needed to comfort him. To be alert at 3am for my confidante, my prayer mate, my astronomist. I didn't ask what happened. I didn't ask what, who, when, why. I just talked about work. about life back home and I kept on talking, pausing in between seconds -to catch my own breath and to hear his shallow breathing on the other side.
I did what he wanted me to do. to fill his silence at the other end. I talked too much. It was like some one open my flood gates of speech. I learnt from a long time ago that the astronomist needed in time of his crisis is for me to dampen the echo is his life. to fill in the gaps that made his life shook and rattled so loudly. So he listened to my life. my ramblings.
After an hour of non-stop talking, he finally said - I miss you so much that it hurts. I hesistated. I was lost for once. I thought we had long understanding that if we weren't too careful over where our friendship stands, we could totally ruin it. We often rationalised with each other and ourselves that we had so much else - a history, a year long of shared dreams and fears, a togetherness that runs deeper than a misguided romance. You know that you will always be my number one guy, I replied. the one with a place in my heart no matter how far we go. but I knew it wasn't enough for him. it could have been better. if only....
Just a month ago, when the astronomist took me star gazing, he asked, why us? I didn't have a solid answer for him. I just starred at the stars until the lights blurred my eyes. until it hurts. I didn't dare blink just in case the tears that were welling around my eyes rolled down. I wished I did know how to do this without breaking his heart but I didn't. I wished I had answers that will keep his heart contend. I didn't have the answers then, I didn't have it now. I just haven't achieved enlightenment.
I knew I missed him. our 3am chats. our giggles, our jokes. our seriousness. our little eating sessions. our endless tea drinking. just everything. just to have someone there to listen. to know that he is always there. but I cannot stand at the grave of our failed romance and weep. He just simply isn't there. Cannot be there anymore. It just isn't his position to take. his shoes to wear. My eyes flicked towards the clock - it read 5.23am. As though he caught me doing so, he whispered, Goodnight, angel.
I just regretted I never got the chance to say goodnight and to tell him that he is the angel in my life.
