I need to find the time badly to draft that email. to write to him and to tell him how i feel. the cumbersome task of having to put my thoughts into words. Just because I blog doesn't mean I am gifted at drafting my feelings out in words. especially to someone whom i want to take my email seriously. someone whom I want to finish reading my emotions put to words. unlike my average blog readers who scrolled through the contents of my post, i don't want him to scroll through, i hope for each word to reach to his heart and sink into it...etching a memory he will never forget.
I rang my astronomist to confide my fears in. I rambled and talked like I always do. throwing in a sob once in awhile typical in all the long distance phone conversations I have made to him. He never like the way I rang him everytime I cried because he said, "it makes him feel he hasn't done a good job protecting me". i always look to him for explanations as to why i am given carte blanche by the people i care about. sometimes he offer some, sometimes he doesn't. i can hear him banging shuts cupboard doors looking for teabags. i can hear him heave a sigh once now and then. frustration seeps through the phone. often we leave things unstated and unsaid. these are the times when ambiguity works to our advantage.
i waited for him to speak. then i hear him sigh again as i continue to be choreographed unconsciously by this butterfly dance we do around each other. this pas de deux we dance every time i rang as we glissade by each other in these moments of fragility, taking the utmost care to not step on each others' toes. i guess there is a certain beauty in this fragility.
then he spoke - relationships or would be relationships was never supposed to be like this. it was never meant to be like this. i would never agreed to this.
i had always believed that a relationship should be unrestrictive. it should be open and free, made self-evident by the essence of the parties involved. not be bound by obligation, but rather by choice. it should enliven us as an affirmation of who we are and who we are to become.
instead, yours is a relationship built out of comfort and convenience. convenience insofar as you do not step on each others toes. in order to maintain this "convenience" you forged a closed relationship. there were no channels of communications; lest one should offend the other. it was a relationship predicated on false presumptions and inaccurate assumptions. restricted by your perpetual walks on tippy-toes and moments of fragility. but these are the circumstances you find yourself stuck with. trapped. a bull in a chandelier shop.
how do you care for something which you do not know?
I retort - there are moments when things seem perfect. the shared laughter. a shared meals. we had our moments.
The astronomist sigh again - and i knew what was on his mind.
he longs to give me the strength to leave. to give me the wings to fly. to soar to heights i've never knew. but he realizes that the wings i need can only come within.
I rang my astronomist to confide my fears in. I rambled and talked like I always do. throwing in a sob once in awhile typical in all the long distance phone conversations I have made to him. He never like the way I rang him everytime I cried because he said, "it makes him feel he hasn't done a good job protecting me". i always look to him for explanations as to why i am given carte blanche by the people i care about. sometimes he offer some, sometimes he doesn't. i can hear him banging shuts cupboard doors looking for teabags. i can hear him heave a sigh once now and then. frustration seeps through the phone. often we leave things unstated and unsaid. these are the times when ambiguity works to our advantage.
i waited for him to speak. then i hear him sigh again as i continue to be choreographed unconsciously by this butterfly dance we do around each other. this pas de deux we dance every time i rang as we glissade by each other in these moments of fragility, taking the utmost care to not step on each others' toes. i guess there is a certain beauty in this fragility.
then he spoke - relationships or would be relationships was never supposed to be like this. it was never meant to be like this. i would never agreed to this.
i had always believed that a relationship should be unrestrictive. it should be open and free, made self-evident by the essence of the parties involved. not be bound by obligation, but rather by choice. it should enliven us as an affirmation of who we are and who we are to become.
instead, yours is a relationship built out of comfort and convenience. convenience insofar as you do not step on each others toes. in order to maintain this "convenience" you forged a closed relationship. there were no channels of communications; lest one should offend the other. it was a relationship predicated on false presumptions and inaccurate assumptions. restricted by your perpetual walks on tippy-toes and moments of fragility. but these are the circumstances you find yourself stuck with. trapped. a bull in a chandelier shop.
how do you care for something which you do not know?
I retort - there are moments when things seem perfect. the shared laughter. a shared meals. we had our moments.
The astronomist sigh again - and i knew what was on his mind.
he longs to give me the strength to leave. to give me the wings to fly. to soar to heights i've never knew. but he realizes that the wings i need can only come within.
For one thing I know, I am glad he is always stands besides me in all things that i do, no matter how silly or how much he disagrees with. he always have been supportive in my decisions and even when i made the wrongs one and turn back to him, he always is there. I must've hurt him countless times and drove him mad but he has never once abandon me. He has never hanged up on me. never not texted me back even at the weirdest hour. never not reply. never gone off to bed whenever i was halfway rambling on msn despite just coming home from his graveyard shifts.
I do really owe him the time and sacrifice he has made for me. Maybe the email wasn't meant to be written, he said. maybe all you need is a little faith. just because things aren't visible or audible doesnt mean it isn't there. just like God.
I like his honesty. The way he never dodges my difficult questions. The way he taints the truth with love. The way his love for me drowns his ego. simply just his character - compassionate but not sympathetic. his compassion for my sorrows. no sympathy because it was the choices i made that landed me in the situation i was, he once said.
I feel so lost right now. All i want is for him to give me a big hug and tell me that everything will be alright. cold and numb. its so difficult to do the right thing and yet not to be hurt. Probably all i really wanna do is go back to england; let him iron all the worry lines on my face with his strong palms; snuggle me in his chest keeping me safe; and most of all, whisper to me that all will be fine. Back with him would mean returning to less problems. less worries. less crazy people. just the astronomist to star gaze with. Maybe it is him i needed all this time...Maybe it is time like this that I want to be selfish...
