Is silence nothing more than just words not ready to be spoken?
When mum probe me last month about the special guy in my life, I said nothing. I gave her a quizzical frown and a nonchalant shrug. When my date asked me last week if I was keen to go out with him on a serious basis, I laughed it off and starred busily into my honey lemon drink. When the astronmist asked me if I love him after all this time, I didn't say anything. I have learn to avoid committing an answer to questions I wasn't ready for. I have practiced how to stare busily into my honey lemon drinks. I have worked on my shrugs and my sheepish smiles. I have mastered the art to answer questions posed to me with silence. If you want me to stop talking, just ask me an awkward question or ask me anything that I am not ready to answer.
All this time, I fight the urge to say those 3 words. There is no one way to say it or not to say it. I had to give myself reasons not to love you. I had to tell myself that you are so insignificant in my life that the statistical odds of me feeling even a tinge of wanting to tell you that I love you was a permutation that was immunerable. that the chances of it was minute. for the first time, i found myself giving reasons why i should not be attracted, why i shouldn't be drawn to you. yet, the subtle truth was undeniable. despite the rationales, no matter the reasons, the whole was greater than the sum of its parts.
because they say, "the opposite of love is not hate. its indifference". so i tell myself i don't care enough. I do not have the apathy to love. I denied myself the emotions of being human. Truth be told, I never found the courage to fall in love. I was afraid that I will lose you. I fear to tell you this, to let you discover that deep down inside, you mean so much to me that if you leave, my ideals of perfection will disperse. My heart will crack. how do you explain to someone you love that you can't say you love them because if you did, you're not sure what it means and what you'd be giving? That you aren't even sure what your own words are worth?
There were those moments when you would stare into my eyes. trying to peep into my soul. for those were the moments that drove good men mad. good, rational men. for these moments confounded rationality, distorting and contorting the bounds of reason until only carnal instincts remained. my mind could not escape the inherent ironies and dichotomy of your existence. you were foreign, yet familiar. distant, yet dear.
still, the in-opportunity of our timing further reflected the cruelest irony in this twist of fate. for everything in that moment blurred the lines between the rational and the irrational, the palpable and the impalpable, the physical and the meta, the black and white, the right and wrong. the more i tried to process it, the more maddening it became.
yet, despite all of the scrutinizing, the processing, the confusion, i could not help but admit how right it all felt. so i have relegated myself to just that. feeling. and i have decided to commit myself to doing whatever just feels right.
and so, my dear, you must forgive me for my inability to articulate my feelings for you. to string my feelings into words, for words alone cannot do justice to how i feel for you. Silence is my way of saying, somethings, some feelings, some people are more than words can describe.
All this time, I fight the urge to say those 3 words. There is no one way to say it or not to say it. I had to give myself reasons not to love you. I had to tell myself that you are so insignificant in my life that the statistical odds of me feeling even a tinge of wanting to tell you that I love you was a permutation that was immunerable. that the chances of it was minute. for the first time, i found myself giving reasons why i should not be attracted, why i shouldn't be drawn to you. yet, the subtle truth was undeniable. despite the rationales, no matter the reasons, the whole was greater than the sum of its parts.
because they say, "the opposite of love is not hate. its indifference". so i tell myself i don't care enough. I do not have the apathy to love. I denied myself the emotions of being human. Truth be told, I never found the courage to fall in love. I was afraid that I will lose you. I fear to tell you this, to let you discover that deep down inside, you mean so much to me that if you leave, my ideals of perfection will disperse. My heart will crack. how do you explain to someone you love that you can't say you love them because if you did, you're not sure what it means and what you'd be giving? That you aren't even sure what your own words are worth?
There were those moments when you would stare into my eyes. trying to peep into my soul. for those were the moments that drove good men mad. good, rational men. for these moments confounded rationality, distorting and contorting the bounds of reason until only carnal instincts remained. my mind could not escape the inherent ironies and dichotomy of your existence. you were foreign, yet familiar. distant, yet dear.
still, the in-opportunity of our timing further reflected the cruelest irony in this twist of fate. for everything in that moment blurred the lines between the rational and the irrational, the palpable and the impalpable, the physical and the meta, the black and white, the right and wrong. the more i tried to process it, the more maddening it became.
yet, despite all of the scrutinizing, the processing, the confusion, i could not help but admit how right it all felt. so i have relegated myself to just that. feeling. and i have decided to commit myself to doing whatever just feels right.
and so, my dear, you must forgive me for my inability to articulate my feelings for you. to string my feelings into words, for words alone cannot do justice to how i feel for you. Silence is my way of saying, somethings, some feelings, some people are more than words can describe.
