It has come to my attention that part of an adult's(HA!) endless roster of responsibilities is the need to take care of one's body. Hence, I have decided that I need to take better care of my body in leading a healthier lifestyle by committing to (less sex, drugs, and rock and roll...less drugs and rock and roll... less rock and roll)... eat a vitamin...once in a while.
Unfortunately I have an overwhelming disdain for dietary supplements. Like many other Chinese children in my situation, we were taught at an early age that we were physically inferior to the average American. Hence, to make up for our perceived deficiency, all Chinese boys and girls were forced to endure a cocktail of dietary drugs at an early age. For girls like myself, it was all sorts of papaya and home-brew remedies to make the airplane runways they called chests to blossom out ever so slightly so that they may be regarded as sloping hills. For the boys, it was dense calcium pellets, ginseng, antler-powder, and funny little bottles of Chinese wha-cha-ma-call-its so we may finally surpass the cartoon height-Nazis that guard roller-coaster lines.
While others got the fruit-flavored chewable tablets in colorful fun-filled shapes such as Dino, Pebbles and Bam-Bam, I got the dreaded powdered calcium/vitamins dissolved in a bowl of milk every morning. I hated that shit. The abominable powder never dissolved completely in the milk and after you drank the milk there'd always be an inch of undissolved white slop on the bottom of the bowl. Of course I was never allowed to simply rinse that crap out. Instead, I was poured another serving of milk in the bowl for me to finish the slop. And if the powder refused to dissolve even still (this happened often), there’d be another serving still; or three, or five, or seven. Hence, I attribute my current disdain of milk and milk products to that vile goo.
Therefore, I refused to endure any powered supplements. If I must choose my intake of vitamin(ed) poison, it will have to come in pill form. I consulted J, my friend who works in the Vitamin Shoppe and was told that the “best concentrated daily supplement there is,” came in a brown glass bottle with the name “Total Mins” adhered to the label. Furthermore, this vitamin goodness came for only 20 pounds a bottle!(the birds in the morning chirp: “cheap! cheap! cheap!) I happily purchased a bottle and went home. But, sitting in my kitchen with water glass in hand, I discovered upon opening the bottle that while trying to purchase vitamins, I had inadvertently bought grenades. Giant. Vitamin. Grenades
These things are HUGE! They are like the Godzilla, trample-my-digestive-tract-monster-of-pills. To top things off, the bottle says I need to choke down two of these bastards every morning! D: My throat just wasn't built for this! I simply had no experience shoving large objects down my pipe!
As I choke down these titans every morning and feel them slide reluctantly down my esophagus, I wondered if at the same moment somewhere some new fish in prison is experiencing the same gagging, choking, sensation in this throat too.
