This is the 2nd time in a month's that the Londoner hear me crying on the phone since I came back. It's embarassing and yet comforting at the same time. my closest friend hearing me wail like a baby - over an issue he has warned me about. my closet friend, woken up at an unearthly hour, comforting me. not pointing out how silly i was, not telling me that i was wrong but rather, being there to say the words that will mend my broken heart.

"I am tired of having to put up with the silence. with the constant disappearance. the absence. everytime i am out of sight, I am out of his mind", I lamented over the phone to the Londoner.

"Havent I done all that I can? Given him time, talked to him, have opened up myself to trying to hear his side, and yet he remains, the on and off person in my life". I hear a long sigh over the phone. a sigh of disappointment? a sigh of relief? a sigh of frustration?

"Darlingggggg, you need to know that some people are unsafe. you've read about it. heard all about it. experienced it and now still facing it. you just need to give up your expectations that this fellow is going to be any more pro-active than a dormant volcano he is now. he is just too distance to realise what he is missing out", advise the Londoner. "Just be still and know that He is working it out for you. Have you spoken to the boys yet?" He probed.

"Yea. Andy's asking me to go back to Newcastle. He feels really beaten up that he has advised me to give this relationship a shot. to try hanging with this guy and all...probably he felt it is his fault I am hurt?"... "Aw. Just tell Andy not to be so harsh on himself. You see..there are a heaven loads of people who care for you more than anything...don't throw yourself over for someone who cannot appreciate you for the woman you are..and who wouldnt give a damn on how much he will be hurting you or is..", said the Londoner. sigh. big sigh.

one of our primary needs is for relationship with others, and we will often give in to compromises in values and other areas in order to have that basic needs met. For that reason, many times, I find myself cancelling and overlooking my principles to have that relationship my heart desires but which do not good to my emotional being. needing to know i matter to you and needing to know that the it hurts everytime you detached yourself from me is something i have yet to learn to tell you.

There was once, i thought i've outgrown the need for you. I thought the gushy mushy feeling I once haboured for you was throw out into the ocean ready for a new catch. I never saw it coming back. You just came and took my september away. just like that, in a wink of 3 meets, you took my heart along. charm me with your big fat smile and then left taking along my heart with you. i should've started running a longggg time ago. I should have known better than to let you play with my emotions. i bleed and i am torn. will you just go away and never come back again? will you just disappear into thin air? will you just let me live a life i deserve, for once?