What's left from 2009

September has come to an end. It's time to wake up and smell the roses or rather, the wintery winds. We are nearing in to the last 3 months of the year - 2009 is left with just another quarter of a lifespan before we wave goodbye to it with bangs of fireworks and cheer. It still remains vivid how I had usher in 2009 with a group of friends - freshly chilled back from the UK with the winter air still in my bones, excited to start afresh with a new job and giddy with happiness.

I will be guilty of gaucherie of the crassest kind if I exclaim that "2009 was THE most amazing year! A blast, that I don't mind living it on a rewind. 2009 I heart you!" I must confess, all that is left from the year are the crumbs of a mouldy relationship and a stale job that is starting to breed discontent. I made an astounding discovery of myself this year. I realised I suffer from a touch of logorrhea. My compulsive talkativeness is evident over the 9 months wherein I have whine incessantly of my monotonous life, grumble infinitely, moan regularly and throw a hissy fit once in awhile.

back to the 3 quarters of my year lament - Over the 9 months, I have inured myself to complaint - rarely complacent or satisfied. Of course if you compared the state of my conditions to those from a famish striken country, I am considered to be spoilt, upper crust and a tad overwight. However, my yardstick of equality is the Queen here. Doubleyewww Teee Efff, yes, The Queen. Obviously I haven't woken up from my slumber. Wake me up when December ends.

I have realised the followings in myself : -
1.) losing focus: - I have lost the magical compass in many areas of life.
2.) Rebelling - I am entering another phase of adult angst whereby I tried too hard to be on top of every game I play.
3.) Lackadasical - if others take life at a pinch of salt, I take a tiny grain of it.

4.) Short Attention Span - I think this should go hand-in-hand with losing focus. Since my attention span on things and/or people are pretty short-lived, I somehow reason this is why I lose focus so easily.
5.) Ignorant - I have learnt how to shut out and shut down. I have horne my sweeping skills.

6.) Patience - Despite my motto of ignorance is bliss, I still have a deep sense of patience in me with the rubbish the world throw at me. Maybe this can also be interpreted as a disregard of many things in life, not being too bother about the minuate details and being less interested.

With time running against me, I promise myself to take the last 3 months of this year to reflect on myself. My needs, my heart, my well-being and to reroute, defragment, and rethink how the past has affected me and what areas in my life needs to be changed. I am going to do a spring cleaning of thyself. A change that must come from deep within. To try harder to strive, to be faithful throughout and to be a resilient fighter. Truth be told, these 9 months is a beautiful mess of things unspoken, grievance unheard and love unresolved. It's beautiful because when I look back, I see rainbow strands of events woven into the year. Darker colours for bad days, lighter colours for cheerful days. It's a mess because some lose ends has not be tied. has not be burnt out. has not be tidied and even out. I am afraid. I am petrified to cut those lose ends, what more to burn them...this plague of fear has consume me bit by bit each day that now, when I stare into the mirror, I don't see myself anymore, just someone who has lost herself to the first 3 torrential quarters of 2009.

Whine and Dine - Act 1

Here's a sneak preview to " Gluttony of Raya's past". Starring Lucy Choo, Nie, Obi Wallaby, Adam C and Fat Teej. Warning: The following contents can leave you feeling famish. It is not recommended for those with a weak will for good food.

Lucy Choo's attempt to dig her nose is caught on camera while Adam C begins his glutton spree

Italian selection for the night..

Seafood Spaghetti, Lobster Spaghetti, More More spaghetti..spaghetti-spaghetti

Nie spies with her little eye...Where art thou spaghetti...?

Hehehe! Obi Wallaby thinking on how to steal  Nie's Meatballs

Glorious Meatballs Spaghetti overloaded with tomato sauce..

Adam C's choice of dinner - kill a cute baby lamb and you get tasty lamb shanks..

Nie's attempt at a beauty shot.

Cheeseee!! Fat Teej's attempt at a dental snapshot

 Good Food and beautiful girls come together

 Italian is not complete without Tiramisu

not complete without Applecrumble delight

and not satisfying without the best of the load - Caramel Panna Cotta

THE END

I onced felt

I proselytized woozy love feelings. The guy who gives me the most butterflies in my stomach which in turn affects my pulse is the one I will fall head over heels with - falling so hard and fast - enough to give me a concusion. However, over the course of the relationship, I will develop a fear of losing this guy. I learnt my lesson the painful way - Butterflies is another word for fear. This fear can manifest and it is germane to crushing your self esteem. I put a moratorium to such tumultous wozzy relationships. However—after a ho-hum date of two with men who are accoladed for being a staunch practitioner of the karma sutra dependable and unambigous with no killer sense of humour, I break my moratorium strategy. So even if I broke up with him, even if he was a total jerk —there is still a soft spot in your heart. I have a marshmellow for a heart. You remember the good times, and — hey — it's not THAT fun being single. Often, we end up taking back people who have hurt us in the past or who just didn't work out. Not sure how often this works out, but doesn't it seem like we would be able to say "no"?

Believing this time, he or she is "The One": I'm so guilty of this one — I get a number, I meet a boy, he gives me that butterflies in the depths of my gastronomic intestines and I feel like there is some kind of magical cloud hanging over me. I'm still available, so obviously I have been way off with these predictions. I mistakenly believe I've met "The One" about two times a year. You'd think that I'd learn not to get so ahead of myself at "Hello."

The Bane of getting back to the guy who gives me belly-dwelling winged insects.

1. Getting lied to repeatedly: Isn't it terrible when someone stays in a relationship while they are being lied to? It seems like everyone on the outside knows what's going on, but that person in the relationship believes everything to the point of blindness. In a perfect world, we'd learn from one lie, but often we think that lies are isolated incidents when in fact we could be getting lied to repeatedly. We also often think, that forgiveness clears the fog, reset the past and wipe it all clean. This is what happens when we view a relationship through rose tinted glasses.
2. Staying with someone wrong for you (a.k.a. "I can change him/her"): Why do we stay with people when they are jerks, and why do we keep thinking we can change people? It's much better to be alone than to be dating a jerk. Why can't we apply that common sense? because when we are in love we don't use common sense. we keep waiting for that lightning bolt.
3. Mistaking physical intimacy for emotional intimacy: When we are in the heat of the moment, emotional closeness gets all intertwined with physical closeness. Sometimes we feel that if we get close physically, it will eventually lead to a close emotional connection. I can say I have never gotten into anything special that was sparked by a physical connection and, believe me, I've tried. The deeper relationships grow out of a gradual emotional connection. Nevertheless, sometimes we think if we have sex, then something might come of it. We are just shortchanging ourselves. putting our self worth at question.

Emotional pain is much more complicated than physical pain or a mistake at work that you learn from and never repeat. I guess Pat Benatar was right when she sang "Love Is a Battlefield," but it's a shame that we must go through pain and make multiple mistakes to get to where we want to be in the dating world. Humans naturally want to trust and love. We want to believe that the good in everyone will prevail, and it's devastating to come to grips with the fact that you may have misjudged someone. This is why we are prone to repeat emotional mistakes.We are left to choose between withdrawing from dating, or going through the mistakes until you find The One, because it's almost impossible to know for sure that something will not be an emotional mistake until after it's too late.

Sometimes, I think, it is not about the butterflies. Not about the humour. the romance nor the hoarse sexy voice. I am beginning to see more clearly now that the rain is gone, all I want is to feel....secure.

Suzie and Phillip

Last Raya weekend, I managed to squeeze time to catch my aunt and uncle who had came all the way to Genting from Singapore for a romantic gateaway. Besides my parents and the walrus family, they are the two people whom I have grown very fond of for their worldly wisdom and nurturing love. Though I hardly see them, I would still like to think we did great as relatives who live abroad from each other in trying to keep in touch, catching up and appreciating this blood relation.

It is great to be around them. They make you feel loved, cared for and accepted just as you are, warts and all. No matter how far we live from each other, how little we see each other and the sporadic occasions we speak on the phone, they are still family. I am still their niece whom they have watched grown up, went to university, had her heart broken and now, wishing my parents will find my a husband and marry me off. So yes, the marriage topic is popular nowadays. I feel so close to expiry everytime some relative pop that question. I know my eggs are limited (because Plan Bee told me and brag about his unlimited supply of sperms) and that my wrinkles are showing but marriage...it is there but not quite there. *Wails in despair*

I spent a few hours with them debating on life, sharing my ups and downs, and generally getting their 2 cents worth of what should I do next in life. It feels nice to see people that knew you when you were small and cute and didn't know any better; then to meet them again years down the road and talk adult talk. I have always enjoyed their company. They were there to talk me through when I found it difficult to return to England after the heartbreak. The right words were spoken - accolades, hugs, tears, listening ear, simply being the wise adults for their niece. Meeting them that weekend reminded me of how much I have matured over the years. How different I have become since I was kid, how proud my parents would have been of me for not bringing up a messed up kid who has no future, no dreams, no ability to stand on her own and without a thinking mind. We mused and laugh with them for a couple of hours over starbucks, took me to the casino, share their stories of grandchildren and jackpots winning, and ride with me on the monorail. Sadly, time flies and goodbye was so hard to say. The only consolation was knowing I was riding back to KL to a bunch of nutters who will take that sadness of my face and replace it with stitches in my stomach.

Thank you Aunty Suzie and Uncle Phillip for being such cool relatives. It was grand to see you both again, younger than ever and lovelier than I can remember. and yes I got it, a rich husband is not good (but if treat you nice, then good lo), find a not so rich one and also not so poor one. Most importantly, I am independent on my own. See, I told you they are wise...

Clandestine thoughts

Will you still be there for me, I softly murmur
Will you still be behind me when I look back, I quietly whimper
Will you still smile for me, I sadly question
Will you still hold my hand when I need it, I surreptitiously wonder
Will you still remember me, I timidly ponder
Will you still care for me, I vulnerably imagine

Will you still laugh with me, I innocently asked

Will you still catch my tears, I weep in grief
Will I go the distance with you? I shudder at the answer...echoing through the silence..no

Nie speaks

Talk to me

You speak with me

Don’t sink before you rise baby

Don’t fade away
You hesitate

You seem to wait

For all the time we had

Feels like a world away

Who’s to say, we’ll be ok

We will make it through the night

Don’t wanna wake up in this state

I just want us both to smile
Cause we’re the same

And I know that we’ll never change

Look I bought your favourite ice cream

I don’t wanna see it melt away
If you walk out now

I don’t know if we’re gonna be the same

Baby just talk with me

Cause I want you to stay here with me
The memories

The things we did

I locked inside my heart

Where I know I won’t forget
And now, who’s to say, we’ll be ok

We will make it through the night

Don’t wanna wake up in this state

I just want us both to smile
Cause we’re the same

And I know that we’ll never change

look I bought your favorite ice cream

I don’t want to see it melts away
If you walk out now

I don’t know if we could be the same

Baby just talk with me

Cause I want you to stay here with me
I want you to stay here with me