Four weeks ago on the night before I went to Mull, I had a dream about him. It was a recurring dream that I had been having for about three months. It was not a pleasant dream in any regard and it always left me with a worthless feeling. The dream was that he worked at Starbucks and it went like this: I’m sitting at a table when I hear his voice behind the counter. I turn around and see him although he doesn’t see me. Terrified, I get on my hands and knees and crawl out of the store, carefully making sure that he doesn’t see me. When I get outside, I cry uncontrollably until I wake up. The dream is vivid and frighteningly realistic. It takes place at the same Starbucks store that I go to almost every day. It’s the same Starbucks where I go to be a tool and order pretentious espresso drinks and “chai tea” lemonades. It’s the same Starbucks where I go to hang out with all the other jackholes with laptops and write, study, blog, look cool, listen to easy-listening adult contemporary music and partake in other forms of postmodern coffeehouse douchebaggery.
It’s the same Starbucks where I go to escape real life because Starbucks is the only place in the real world that does not remind me of him. So when I first had this dream three months ago I felt angry and upset that he had infiltrated my only haven. Furthermore, I felt defeated because the Universe wasn’t going to let me forget him in real life or in the dreamscape.
However, the dream I had before my trip to Mull was different. It began the same way with me sitting at a table and hearing his voice. But when I turned around I saw him and Andrew (a guy I see frequently at Starbucks) arguing over the tip jar. The only thing from their argument that I remember being said was Andrew retorting, “…because it’s a real five-pound note.” When I woke up I felt a mixture of emotions. I was frustrated for having dreamed about him again. I was confused for having dreamed about a guy who I had only a mild crush on (Andrew). I also felt a newfound respect for authentic five-pounds note. But most shockingly was that, for the first time, I woke up from a dream about him without feeling depressed.
I’m not a dream interpreter so I don’t know if dreams mean anything more than what they are. If they do, then what they mean is something that I’ll never understand, and I’m fine with not knowing what transcendent meaning lies underneath whatever I think about when I’m sleeping. But, this dream affected my life probably a lot more than it should have. It was an episode of transient happiness. As a despondent individual who struggles with finding real happiness, transient happiness, despite how inane or mundane it is, gets me through a day.
People around me seem genuinely concerned that I have dreams like this. I’m generally perceived as someone who cannot “get over” someone from the past and people would like to see me “move on” and find someone else to bother. I can certainly understand the spirit of their sentiment because I know that these people have nothing but my best interests in mind. I genuinely want real happiness, but I know that I don’t deserve it. Finding love is like playing the lottery. The lottery is designed to allow regular schmucks like me and you a chance to win a shitload of money. However, no one plays the lottery because they need the money, but people play because no one will deny that a little extra money will make them happy. Everyone would like to win a million dollars, but most people don’t go out of their daily routine to pursue a million dollars.
Some people play the lottery for the big jackpot, while some people play just to win whatever amount of money they can get. Furthermore, no one deserves to win the lottery. It’s fun to play, and if you win then that’s just an added bonus. If I play the lottery, I play for the jackpot. If I win a million dollars, I’ll take it but I know I don’t really deserve it. If I find love and if love finds me, I’ll take it but I know I didn’t do anything to deserve it. If you agree with me on this, you’ll probably say something supportive. If you disagree with me, then you’ll probably say something like, “That’s just YOUR opinion and you’re trying to pass YOUR opinion as fact!” I don’t care if you’re one or the other. A great man once said, “Don’t believe anyone who praises you, and don’t believe anyone who criticizes you. If you allow other people’s opinions to affect how you view yourself, you’ll never do anything.”
Since that dream I’ve hang out with Andrew more often than not and I’ve realized that he's the only guy I’ve ever met who has the potential to be better than him. For years I’ve been wishing on every star in the Southland sky for this moment to happen. Maybe dreams can come true?
I’m kind of bummed I've to go back soon though.
