Truce

I am not a scientist. I do not know the optimum temperature for fertilisation nor am any wiser on the effect of subzero weather conditions on the production of milk from the mammary glands. However I share your quiet understanding that I want to hear pitter patters of tiny feet and mutual confidence that the nursery should be filled with teddies, booties and happiness.

So I am staying loyal to you through this frigidity. I believe love is a friendship that has caught fire. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses. Yours drive me crazy but I am too noble to be angry at you for so long.

Somewhere beneath my sense of fun, my bravado and my independent exterior, I have a marshmellow for a heart. Soft and squeashy. But life is not a movie. and nothing is as easy as "making eye contact—tentatively at first, then a pact—before ripping off each other's clothes and declaring undying love…"

It's the way you make me smile and wanting more of you. Wanting may be the worst feeling of all, next to hope. But hope is the worst. Hope is the moment before peeing on the negative stick. Hope is the moment before they tell you they can’t find a heartbeat. Hope is a setup, a bait and switch, an illusion.

Perhaps these are the most frightening parts of our relationship, when I turn to you, I see the best of me in you and realised I am not complete without you. Just like Lauryn is not complete without Zara and Jayden without Alexander. 

Now, shall we kiss and make up?

When I do not Sleep enough

I think its never too late to learn to appreciate the little things in life that makes it sweet. When life gives us a second chance to appreciate those around us, to make amends and start anew, we should get down on our knees and thank God for allowing us to fall off the pedestal and yet love us the same.

People who have lost and have spent enough time hanging on the line of hope would see second chances as foreign. Something they wished they knew or had, something that they could only watch others take and something that they could only wonder what it feels like to have.

As we gear towards the end of March, I have already hit my first bump for the year 2010. Though very much I want it to be the first and last glitch of the year, I know it wouldn't be. However, when the world seem toughest, I am glad I could still be counting my blessings and the wondrous people in my life. Words of comfort flowed, people came and sit through the dark with me till dawn came and someone was always there to push the frowning lines up to a smile.

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However, today's entry is not to waffle again about the fantastic-ness of my life. I have just had 6 hours of sleep, i.e. I have been deprieved of the requisite 10 hours of  brain rest needed for me to think intelligent thoughts and speak like the Dalai Lama. I also have just been driving 4 hours on the road. I am effing cranky, tired and have lost all sense of wisedom.

I happened to chance upon Plan Bee's latest blog entry - finally an entry after a million years in hiding - only to discover for the years we have been together, he has never been sincere and true. For all the times I genuinely believe he thought I was funny and the way he used to be lol-ing at my silly-ness - just my own fantasty. My own made-believe that after searching far and wide, someone out there thinks I am funny. He has just actually perfected the art of fake laughter. So the haha-hehe were all just lies. Good acting. Should give him an Oscar for it. All that air of happiness was just a chimera. I am crushed. Crushed is an understatement - I am shattered. I can never see him in the same light again. My impression of him is now tainted. The sheet of virgin snow has now smeared with droplets of red blood on it. Good or not my description?

But because I am a nice person. Sweet. Loving. Forgiving. I am giving him a second chance. Although he does not seem to deserve it.

At the moment, I have filed my Cold War Petition against him. I am declaring hail storm and a temperature of -10 degrees upon him. In summation, our relationship shall be frozen till he repents. Kneel on Durian skin and beg for my forgiveness perhaps? Let me sleep on it. Meditate on that idea.

*Crackling Evil laughters*

If I am a Panda

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...

Does this log make my butt look fat?

Mum? Can you come and get me down now?

You go. I'll just stay here and rest my head a little bit.

I'll give you 2 seconds to get off me or I'm calling Mom.

Dear Martha Stewart:

I have this brown stain on my nice, white, fluffy butt...

Go Away...Hmph! I am having a bad fur day.

I cannot believe that I'm stuck in this tree again.

What is the matter with me?

Baby, there's no other superstar. Papa-paparazzi.

Now, Run along and go have AN AWESOME WEEKEND BOYS AND GIRLS!!

De-stress 101

Lend me your shoulders

It seems as of late, I have let myself believe that despite the complexity of things and the uncertainty that clouds us, there is a reason for everything that God allows to happen. An explanation and a significance in every event, from the most unseemingly and unexpected to the most joyous and unexplicable.

We feel wiser when we come out of a catastrophy and are able to see how everything connects to lead us to where we are today.

We feel stronger when we emerge, although brusied and scarred - at least, we did not become a casualty to that event.

We very much want to believe that the things that happen to us have great meaning. It's the way we feel life should be. Yes, some days we feel our life's a soap opera. But we want-we need-to have the sense that there's a purpose and value to it all. And we're right.

Sometimes its the smallest reason that can change your lives forever.

To quote Marilyn Monroe,

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

 

 

Today, I really hope what Marilyn said is true. I pray that what ever decisions Dinosaur makes, it will be to give him a better heart and to lead a healthier life so he can grow old with grace, walk me down the isle and run with the grandchildren. I want to walk to the edge and believe that my superhero - that one person who will give me his world should mine crumble and fall - has to go through this bypass surgery so that he can be living better to enjoy his golden years.

 

Sometimes things happens to me and my favourite people in the world. These things may seem horrible, painful and unfair and right now, it does. However, if I take a step back and reflect, I know that without overcoming those obstacles, I would not discover my potential, strength and will power of heart. I would not possess the courage to confess that despite the times Dinosaur drove me crazy, nagged me insanely and was being outright unreasonable, I always have and will love him deeply for the sacrifices, the unconditional love and just for being my daddy dearest.

 

Why does all my favourite people have to a.) fall sick; or b.) die; or c.) fall off the face of the Earth? If everyone is the same to me and there are no favourite people, it will not have hurt so much. Today, I have decided to delete my favourite people list, so when God takes one of the people in my life away, my heart will be less battered because it will just be another person missing and not a favourite one.

 

This is me - holding back tears and trying very hard to be a tough cookie.

An English Awakening

I honestly believe that at some time in our lives, the humdrum of reality will make us languorous. I am finding myself ensconce in a world where responsibilities and tedium is a daily suffocation and yet I can find no exit from it. Scribbling on the walls of Sprinkles of Magical Sweetness is my sole evanescent from the drift of adulthood.


This is where my thoughts are genuine, real and alive - as far as words, phrases, lexicons, sentences allow me to express. A place where I do not have to display maturity, stoicism nor pull up my socks and buckle up my shoes. Unlike the world I inhabit it, this is where people do not recognise me by my face...I am associated with the chemerical, the fairytales, the lovestories, the anecdotes, and the words that people read.

It took me over a year to detached myself from England. I held on so desperately to the little bits and pieces of memories, photographs, souvenirs, texts, messages, e-mails and whatever article that has an inprint of Great Britain over it. Everytime I bump into something or someone that reminds me so much of England, my heart will whimper, "I know you". I will shuffle my feet nervously, be on the verge of choking up and beret myself for not being able to let go. Talking about England always brings a glow to my face. That nostalgic glow.

Though it is good to be back, I only wish it wasn't so soon.

I still remember vividly that one night in England with ML in my living room packing and unpacking our boxes, half of our belongings strewn all over and unable to decide what to discard, what to keep and what to give away. I tucked away some of the best things England had given me in the reccesses of my mind and flew home at the beginning of autumn, when the leaves were falling and if you kick up those leaves, the magic is gone.

I flew back to England for the last time, smack right into winter for Sarah & Mark's wedding, graduation, and to be called to the English Bar.  I have finally arrived at the end of the road of a long and winding holistic education. Plan Bee was kind enough to house me in the winter and kept me warm and well fed with his yummylicious family recipes when I was there. He was also sweet enough to take me out for a romantic candlelight dinner at our favourite Spanish Restaurant the night before I left and helped me packed my luggage. He spread out on my suitcase like a Starfish so I can close it and warned me not to open it again until I have arrived back home. All that was 15 months ago but snippets of it still play in my mind.


It was heartbreaking when Plan Bee and I stood out in the cold and hugged each other tight. "I will see you back home", he said. I held back tears and slide into my cab which took me to the Central Station and transported me out of Newcastle, forever. That was when I thought to myself, This is it. This is real. No more texts of "I will see you in Eldon Square in 5 minutes", no more "Let's go to Morrison", no more "I am waiting for the 39/40 bus lah", no more stupid snow, no more "Counter No. 5", no more...end of english stories.

I checked my phone for the last time at Paddington station before hoping onto the Heathrow Express with a heavy heart...O2 has served me well for the years I was there. My phone beeped and beeped with all the goodbyes text, wishes of farewell and safe journey, all the request to come back soon -  If I could be more dramatic, I would have broken down, wailed, sat by the railway track and pledge my soul to England.  

And so here I am now. In the vestibule of the past and the present. I have encapsuled a huge chunk of England and  I am burying it in my lavender field. I have done a pretty good job cleaning up all sense of familiarity and longing for that country. A place that has open up sights, experiences, memories and given me a horde of friends from all over the world. It has connected me and awaken my senses, my thoughts and taught me independence. To quote, I matured in England.

Now, I am moving again. I lied at the beginning of this story. I did find the exit from the daily humdrum but I am just wondering - is this exit for me to take? A story I will leave for some other day.

Tea and scones are waiting for me.