An English Awakening

I honestly believe that at some time in our lives, the humdrum of reality will make us languorous. I am finding myself ensconce in a world where responsibilities and tedium is a daily suffocation and yet I can find no exit from it. Scribbling on the walls of Sprinkles of Magical Sweetness is my sole evanescent from the drift of adulthood.


This is where my thoughts are genuine, real and alive - as far as words, phrases, lexicons, sentences allow me to express. A place where I do not have to display maturity, stoicism nor pull up my socks and buckle up my shoes. Unlike the world I inhabit it, this is where people do not recognise me by my face...I am associated with the chemerical, the fairytales, the lovestories, the anecdotes, and the words that people read.

It took me over a year to detached myself from England. I held on so desperately to the little bits and pieces of memories, photographs, souvenirs, texts, messages, e-mails and whatever article that has an inprint of Great Britain over it. Everytime I bump into something or someone that reminds me so much of England, my heart will whimper, "I know you". I will shuffle my feet nervously, be on the verge of choking up and beret myself for not being able to let go. Talking about England always brings a glow to my face. That nostalgic glow.

Though it is good to be back, I only wish it wasn't so soon.

I still remember vividly that one night in England with ML in my living room packing and unpacking our boxes, half of our belongings strewn all over and unable to decide what to discard, what to keep and what to give away. I tucked away some of the best things England had given me in the reccesses of my mind and flew home at the beginning of autumn, when the leaves were falling and if you kick up those leaves, the magic is gone.

I flew back to England for the last time, smack right into winter for Sarah & Mark's wedding, graduation, and to be called to the English Bar.  I have finally arrived at the end of the road of a long and winding holistic education. Plan Bee was kind enough to house me in the winter and kept me warm and well fed with his yummylicious family recipes when I was there. He was also sweet enough to take me out for a romantic candlelight dinner at our favourite Spanish Restaurant the night before I left and helped me packed my luggage. He spread out on my suitcase like a Starfish so I can close it and warned me not to open it again until I have arrived back home. All that was 15 months ago but snippets of it still play in my mind.


It was heartbreaking when Plan Bee and I stood out in the cold and hugged each other tight. "I will see you back home", he said. I held back tears and slide into my cab which took me to the Central Station and transported me out of Newcastle, forever. That was when I thought to myself, This is it. This is real. No more texts of "I will see you in Eldon Square in 5 minutes", no more "Let's go to Morrison", no more "I am waiting for the 39/40 bus lah", no more stupid snow, no more "Counter No. 5", no more...end of english stories.

I checked my phone for the last time at Paddington station before hoping onto the Heathrow Express with a heavy heart...O2 has served me well for the years I was there. My phone beeped and beeped with all the goodbyes text, wishes of farewell and safe journey, all the request to come back soon -  If I could be more dramatic, I would have broken down, wailed, sat by the railway track and pledge my soul to England.  

And so here I am now. In the vestibule of the past and the present. I have encapsuled a huge chunk of England and  I am burying it in my lavender field. I have done a pretty good job cleaning up all sense of familiarity and longing for that country. A place that has open up sights, experiences, memories and given me a horde of friends from all over the world. It has connected me and awaken my senses, my thoughts and taught me independence. To quote, I matured in England.

Now, I am moving again. I lied at the beginning of this story. I did find the exit from the daily humdrum but I am just wondering - is this exit for me to take? A story I will leave for some other day.

Tea and scones are waiting for me.

If ever we say goodbye

I have enough statistical results to show that distance often kill relationships even the most romantic and loving ones. It is just too hard to keep something alive when you are miles away - out of sight, out of touch and out of mind.

It's like a garden. If you don't tend to it after a long time, the flowers will just wither and die and weeds will grow and kill your plants.

When I started hanging out with SM, he was an exercise freak. On most weekend evenings, he will go for his jog at this place and since yours truly here don't do running and sweating, he drops me at this nearby fruit juice stall to get high on natural sugar and hydrate myself silly. This hobby then slowly died off and it has been quite awhile since I visited said fruit juice stall. Yesterday, after a long time, he decided we should go there and get our shots of fruity goodness.

It's often at our little sit and sip sessions (sss) that I find my heart strings being strummed. It must be the sugar. They make my heart palpitate a little more, my pupils dilate, my knees wobble and my cheeks florid. I think that is why as a kid, my parents have allow only very small dosages of sugar into my bloodstream, otherwise I would be having fits all the time.

SM casually mentioned if I move away from the beautiful island or to a distance further than a radius of 40km from him, he thinks I will not be laughing as much anymore because cracking a joke over the phone will not have the same effect as telling it straight to my face.

I think what he meant was it will not be plausible to be mean to me and watch my face cringe with annoyance.

Alot has changed since we first started hanging out, except the being mean and horrible to Nie part did not go through an evolution. In between our talks and laughter, SM and I have learnt to fit into each other's comfort zone, so much so that sometimes he forgets I am a girl with very tender feelings and emotions. Although his mirthful words can be quite blunt and hurtful at times, I have learnt to temporize that issue. It is friends like SM that I appreciate most because he is not afraid to share his sincerest opinions with me. Tactful openness and honesty are traits I look for in people whom I let in my heart.

I cannot tell if our propinquity is a factor that has bonded us. I also have no idea will I still laugh as much as I do now when he is not around anymore. But I do know, if we do say our goodbyes, the scintilla of joy that he has brought to my life will dispers. As much as some people lights up our life, the certainty of that bright glow lasting is like a candle in the wind.

Long distance relationships do not work. What more friendships?! There is no commitment or promises to hold on to and it is just too much hardwork. SM also finds it silly to chat on the phone because he said he is not a shareholder in Maxis. So if I ever move across the ocean, he will just delete my number and forget me.

Being the busy person he is, the only time he ever has for me is after midnight, when he is lying in bed and cannot sleep! During the day and before midnight, he is busy running errands ; Busy clicking on his BB; Busy  replying his emails ; Busy yanking on the phone ; Busy living up to his lifestyle ; Busy gulp gulping ; Busy gobble gobbling ; Busy grumble grumbling.

I just fit in after 12, after all that busyness has settle down. In conclusion, I am the least of his priorities and worries. Because I am independent? Because I just am the filling to his void? Because I just so happen to be there? Because he finds solace in being mean to me? Because I allow him to run his busy life while I fall behind and everytime he turns around, he can be assured, I will always be there?

The veracity of reality is such that when someone leaves, they leave behind a gap in our heart that we want to fill. Be it physically and/or emotionally. Even if SM encounter difficulties to replace such a wondrous fabulous friend like me, he will go against the odds and find one homo sapien with a vagina and breast. So will I. Because we do not like emptiness.

We like to be filled up. We are like cars too. We cannot function on an empty tank. We cannot move forward without fuel. However, should it be really difficult to find our preferred "type of petrol", we can settle for any "type" as long as it fills us up and keeps us running.

Even if in the deep recesses of our hearts, we miss the people who are miles away from us, the distance often becomes a toll and over time, the emails stop coming, our ringing phone no longer bears your number, the conversations come to a halt, a replacement comes in one form or another and the gap in our hearts eventually closes up, albeit with visible cracks. This is what I sometimes call, the coping mechanism.

So, even if I leave, even if one day SM is no longer there to make me laugh, even if he no longer calls, even if the bridge is burn, and even if my heart aches so badly because I miss having him by my side, I must move on and cope with the lost. Just like how I have lost others through the oceans and the miles - SM will be another statistical number.

This is one of the reasons I am really grateful I keep this blog. Its gratifying to be able to trash my feelings out here when I can find no one to share it with.

Oh when happiness comes MARCHing in

As I March into a fresh beginning of the 3rd month of the Year 2010, I could not be more thankful for Planet Workplace who splurge a bom to pamper me with a great weekend relaxing on the beach, baking under the sun, inhaling the salty air of the sea, and above all else, sleeping for upteenth hours on comfy bed and snuggling under silky sheets. I believe I truly deserve the luxurious golden treatment after all the stress, sweat and tears I have spilled in the battle to ensure Planet Workplace constantly stays at the top of the pyramid of the Work Galaxy.

My parents have been darlings enough to spoil me too. They finally decided that I deserve to have my phone upgraded since I can now afford to pay my own phone bill. So since the trust fund is paying, why hold back right? I swapped my trusty Samsung that has faithfully served me for 4 years ever since I graduated from Uni for today's latest Apple's technology.

From this

to this

 I don't think I will need to bore you with how awesome the iphone can be. So I will humbly leave you boys and girls scurrying to the nearest Apple Store to get one of this awesome gadget for yourself too.

Yes, I know how easily contented I get with little things in life. While my peers' tycoon parents are splurging on the latest Channel or the coolest sports car in town on them, my iphone is like gold dust on a mountain of treasure. In my endless pursuit of happiness, I think it is always good to be servile. Besides, I rather like to look at the glass as half full rather than half empty. At least, I got myself a new phone. *GRINS*

2 years later

For a long time, I had in my head the words I wanted to say most if I saw him again. I have rehearsed those speeches in my nightmares so many times that I thought I could reel it off at the top of my mind if I ever bump into him. When it did happened, when he finally sum up enough courage to ask me out for coffee and chat, the ghost of our relationship has already found its resting peace and the disappointment that has been left unspoken of for 2 years is so prodigious that I honestly think, would never go away.

 

Nevertheless, it felt like a huge boulder stone has been lifted off my chest to be able to trash out my emotions proper after such a long time. The long silence served its purpose as  a.) space for us both to breathe, b.)healing turf for my pain and c.) an aperture for me to grow with grace and in maturity.

His apologies and contriteness were expected. His admittance of guilt of infidelity and of being a cheating jerk were anticipated. However, I did not augur that his idealogy of me as a person was bended and distorted to an extent. He expected me to club him to death. I would rather he stay alive and live to reflect and regret on his selfishness.

After being part of his life for half a decade, he knew so little of me, understood just a fraction of my character and never saw that I profess the emotional intelligence to cope with his lies and transgressions, until that day.

I am not perfect as a person. I admit that I have my imperfections. I had my fair share of ugly side and tantrums throwing in the relationship. I whined and I complaint. I had my dissatifactions and I did drive him up the wall crazy with the expectations I set up for us.

I was stubborn and silly. No matter what the odds were against us, I persisted to help pull us through the storm, even if it meant mending heartbreaks after heartbreaks. I refused to listen when others around me told me - that I could do better without him.  

His book of excuses has expanded indefinitely. He confessed that he still possess a filthy lot of excuses till today. Old habits die hard.

Although the wound has healed, the scars never stop reminding me that once, someone that I loved so dear betrayed me. By his own admittance, he ran away when the going gets tough. He abandoned ship and took the easy way out. I just wished his character build up was better. If I am able to turn back time to when he was a child, I would teach him never to cheat. on his exams. and on his girlfriend.

The things I said to him 2 years later were the same as the words I had 2 years ago. Maybe then I lacked the maturity to articulate it the way I could now but the message has never changed.

The DNA that very much make up who I am still has not changed. Its surprising that he said I make more sense to him now - now that he is willing to listen and more compassionate of a person. I failed to tell him, if only he was not screaming that much back then, he would have heard what my heart wanted to say and it would have saved me from having to pick up pieces of my broken heart.

My well of bitter ale has run dry. There are no more vestiges to hold on anymore. It is cathartic to come together as adults and make decent conversations after more than 750 days in silence. It is a relief to be able to see the wolf in the sheep disguise.

If I could change one thing back then, it would be complications he put us through. The very foundations of our relationship, trust, has been hammered through and through by him. He literally pulled out the bricks that constructed our relationship and when that's gone, what more had he or could he have expected?

I very much doubt that he will be able to capture the catastrophic effect he has rained upon me. He never will because I think he lacks the emotional intellect to understand that feelings are fragile and a human heart must be treated with care. He is not a fighter when it comes to love. He is a seeker. A seeker of an exit door and a seeker of excuses.

Everything happened for a reason. His departure made me the person I am today, more stoic, more independent and more liberated. He freed me from those deceptive rose coloured tinted glasses and now my visions are clearer. Others have been right, I am better without him.

It now make sense that those closest to me were able to tell that I was falling for Mr. Wrong when I could not. Its now laid out so clearly in front of me why he is a bad idea. Perhaps then, I was too young, too willing to believe that all I ever needed in a relationship was someone who made me laugh. Things have changed. I am now wiser by leaps and bounds now that life has played its little joke on me and my cynicism has just about eroded the last of my girlish hopes and dreams, imbuing me with a wary eye and an unfailing gut feeling.

Blame it on those damn rose-tinted glasses again, but when I was in the throes of a passionate relationship, it is easy to overlook the details, wave off his shortcomings, finding explanations and excuses. This fail relationship taught me something the hard way. Self respect, patience, never to disregard my gut feeling, courage and self confidence. This lesson came unexpected but it is always the hands on experience that makes an impression.

I don't know how

The only times that I really felt there was something between us is when you hold me close in your arms and caress my hair. I don't know how you keep breaking my heart and I cannot understand why I keep letting you do so. I thought I had all sweet memories of us packed up in the recesses of my mind. I have talked myself straight to believe that we are nothing more than just what we are now and will be.

It has been 6 months of laughing with you since we last sat in Winter Warmers sipping that nasty Lavender Milk Tea while watching girls walked by and taking in the hypes of conversations surrounding us. since then, you have held me close when it hurts, catch my tears when my heart aches, and make it all better when it feels so bad. You have made it so easy to live with you, so much harder to know that our time together is short, ticking like a clock.

My library of memories of you keep stocking up. Every chance I have to snuggle close to you, I breathe in the scent of you, the air that has your name written on it and when you put your lips on mine, I tremble. I just know, it will hurt even more, losing someone as dear as you. It will take more than 2 blinks to blink of those tears and it will take more than just distance for me to forget us.

Snippets of thoughts

"Unconciously, perhaps, we treasure the power we have over people by their regard for our opinion of them, and we hate those upon whom we have no such influence. I suppose it is the bitterest wound to human pride."

I must not deny the Astronomist of his brilliance. He is shrewd and mean. A deadly combination especially when he does not like you. It took me this long to realise now, it would hurt my pride more than my feelings if one day, my thoughts and opinions no longer hold value in his eyes.

The less someone gives a shit about you, the more apt you are to try to please them. It will drive me nuts on an internal level if the Astronomist stop responding to my affections. Not that I have shower him with enormous amount of predilection but just enough to be liked. Humans are funny in that sense. We keep testing the waters to see if we can evoke some kind of reaction, and if we get it we are validated.

Often enough, validation is the sole goal, and once we've achieved it we quickly lose interest. This is what is called 'taking someone for granted.'

And the Astronomist knows it when he is being taken for granted. I lack the acumen to lap up on his love like a sad puppy and yet I want to take the moral highground, be nice and rain my affections on him.

It's pretty screwed up if you think about it. Rationally, we know that we should draw close to people who care about us as much, or more than we care about them. In practice, it's usually much different. We value those that don't give us our due.

That's why I failed to buy the Astronomist a Valentine gift and if I return his gift to me, I know it will crush his heart to a million pieces. I can't possibly be that greedy to keep his gift when my heart is already not in it for real.

I just do not know how to walk away eventhough my heart already has.