To the New Year Baby!

its another one day before the year ends. all throughout this year, so much has happen and without me thinking much, its now going to be over in a wink of an eye. The year itself feels like a blur. like i stepped outside my body and watch all those things and events going around me and yet unable to do at thing or two to stop the bad and the ugly from happening. Although I am blessed with a supportive group of people, I always have this tingling feeling that I am all alone inside. It really hurts to be playing tough, to have no proper shoulders to cry on and not to have that one person I can really rely on, for better or for worse. At the end of everything, I just want to go back to someone who will perpetually be there to rub my tired backs, massage my feet, envelope me in one big bear hug and tell me that everything will turn out alright because no matter what happens, I always have him. I am this point of my life that I really yearn to be taken care of.

But i know better. Everyone that has been there for me or could have been there has drifted, run their course of the race with me or are getting occupied with their own life crisis. As much as I am looking forward to next year as another new beginning and close the chapters from this year's book, I am also afraid. Will it be another 365 grueling days of battling it out on my own? What does it really feel like to have someone there to be with you when the going gets tough? Will I ever know how it feels like?

Its a fresh start for all of us next year. We hope that we will be able to get it right the next time round - try new opportunities, venture out into unchartered waters, try new adventures, make new friends and meet more people, have more fun and laugh like we have never laughed in years. I should be more impromptu next year. Fall in love without having to over-anaylse things or situation. Fall in love without thinking twice. Fall in love without worrying I might get hurt. Fall in love and Stay in love. Its still difficult even as the years go by. I still remember those smiles. those crazy eyes. those little details. those words. those frantic mumblings. those whispers. Maybe what they say is true, you never forget the first person you give your heart to.

But I guess screwing up is what makes love all abit mysterious. It's what makes the heart yearn for one more shot. It's what makes my life so colourful...it's the toughest decisions in life that we made no matter how painful it may be that makes each year count.

Next year, I vow to truly not be afraid to say it or show it..when I love someone. Since I am not fairly good at being alone, I vow to pray harder that next year, I will really go out and not be afraid to fall in love, not to be afraid if someone tells me he loves me and promise not to run a million miles when some good decent guy confess that he goes to bed with my picture at his bedside. I vow not to be so commitment phobic and I truly truly swear to try to give my heart away.

Here's a toast to a great 2010!

What's your resolution for 2010?

Calvin and Hopes

growing up really sucks. there is of course no denying with growing up comes financial independence (which can be a good or bad thing, depending on how much daddy and mummy was paying you in contrary to how much you are earning now standing on your own two feet) but i guess one of the major problems of getting older is that you pick up "responsibility". it's the inevitable "effect" of growing up, like it or lump it, growing up simply means that you must care about more things in the world. have more things on your mind and more worries guarantee less time to yourself and the inevitable loss of childhood innocence. how great those days were... those carefree, whimsical days when all you worried about was what mom packed in your lunchbox that day and how you were gonna avoid getting pelted with rocks by Billy the Bully during recess. ah...the memories.

i was lucky to be able to catch up with a good friend from uni today. technically, he isn't from my uni. we just happened to be in the same country at the same time. i guess you could called us "accidental" friends. long story short, our friendship blossomed when we chanced upon each other when i was sightseeing in London and he offered to take me around. he did confessed later that he wasn't much good of a tour guide of London and only offered to do so because I looked so lost and he took pitied that I was alone. I did felt a tad crept out at that time but he turn out to be a pretty awesome friend who made London feel like my second home. he was always one of those people I knew I could count on and having him around while living abroad was one of the few blessings I thank God for. a true friend: he's always there when i need him. i pray to God that i could be half the friend he is to me.

so my stint in England came and went and naturally, after I returned, the long chats on the phone that we used to enjoyed with our free minutes came to a halt. we kept in touch but since we lived in different time zones, it was never more than the occasional mail or text message. occasionally, we might "bumped" into each other online and chat but it was never the same like the good old days.

let's call my accidental friend, Calvin. Calvin recently landed himself an awesome job in London as an investment Banker being a graduate from LSE himself. yeah, he's gonna watch his bank account balloon up now. what's even better about Calvin is that he is SINGLE and is actively hunting for that bachelerotte who will complete his cosy apartment in Camden.

we went out and chatted about life, love, relationship, Christmas and our pursuit of happiness. All in all, Calvin has grown up so much in this year alone and years of elite education at LSE has seen him grown from boy to man. He is still the same charming and remarkable man, grounded and sincere man that I shared so many heart to heart moments with. he has developed new views on life and adopted different stances on various things but overall we both agreed that growing up wasn't all that nice afterall.

growing up does have certain repercussions. you don't have those refreshing, innocent reflections on life anymore and you lose the creativity you once possessed in your childhood imagination. probably cause your mind is too often preoccupied with burdensome responsibilities and recurring worries. as a result, "grown-ups" become more cynical and weary after years of a hard life beating them down like red-headed step-children. i find myself becoming more cynical and sarcastic every time i take a sip of bitterness from the cup of life. i glare at little kids with so much envy and jealousy that they wet their pants and their parents label me as pedophilic. but how i wish i could be back in their shoes, exuberating so much imagination and raw creativity.

So we are both in our mid-20s now and while Calvin has achieved an amazing feat landing himself a job as an investment banker, I still didn't know what to do with my life. It's not that I do not have a focus in life, I am doing what I have been slogging in law school for but there is more to life than just being a lawyer, isn't there? I always wanted to be everything from a rockstar to a ballerina to a rich man's wife to being a personal designer shopper. Deep down, like most woman, I yearn to have a family of my own. To hear pitter patters of tiny feet and to have someone who comes home to me. Calvin tried to comfort me by applauding my achievements and my larger than life principles. He felt I am having it better than him and that I had cut myself a pretty good deal in this short span of a year. Although the comfort of having one another at just a phone call away can no longer be a privilege we enjoy, we still manage, he said.

Throughout life, we always tend to look back and think, shoudda, woudda, coulda. I shoudda have study medicine. I woudda have been a doctor and I coulda marry a doctor too. Well, maybe it helps not to be so hard on ourselves sometimes. Though the cosy apartment at Camden does sound luxurious and niceties, its still going home to an empty place. Nothing beats the comfort of being where home is. Truth be told, as envious as I am Calvin, I am not ready to leave my cul de sac.  I still enjoy going home to mummy and whine about the Bully at work. I have yet to really grow up. But that is another story. let tomorrow worry for itself for today is already laden with it. we can only hope that the sun will come out tomorrow.

Christmas past

It's the dreaded Monday after the Christmas holidays where some of us not so privilege souls have to drag their lazy selves to slog at work and compensate for the deficit in our bank account due to the season of giving. I nearly fell off my chair when I checked my bank balance this morning. It felt like someone had robbed my bank. or either someone hacked into my account and siphon my lifetime savings in just a span of a week. It seems then I will have to usher in New Year pauperized.

During the holidays, I over binged on the Turkey. guzzle enough liquids for my livers and/or kidneys to hate me. Hibernated like a Polar. Indulged in a buffet of heavenly desserts. suffered bruises courtesy of rowdy snogging Crowds. and gratified in the glory of Christmas Shindig. This year wasn't much about the presents. nor did I get my Tiffany's & Co. or rather the loveliest gifts were not placed under the Christmas tree. They arrived by air and was stuff in my postbox. The postmen in my country seriously need a lesson or two from Santa in delievering Christmas presents with style. They come in their noisy motorbike, honk incessantly at your front gate while you fumble to the gates only to be greeted by a rude grouchy stare and a loud demand for you to sign off their delivery manifest sheet quickly. It must be a crime to be popular and to be receiving gifts for Christmas here.

Thankfully over the years, I had the joy and blessings to be in the company of great peeps to celebrate this holiday season with. In 2005, I had my first English Christmas, the whole she-bang from Cranberry sauce to Christmas Turkey to Salmon to 8 inches of snow to boxing day. The whole fiesta. In 2007, I was most fortunate to have a Down Under Yuletide. In 2008, I flew back from England just to be able to do the countdown in a nick of time back home. This year, I feel that I needed a more chillaxing one. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't that I didn't expect another round of smashing Celebration but rather, I felt expectations are what ultimately killed the celebrations. when you start expecting Christmas to be all glitzy and gold, you place an unfair burden on yourselves and others to make it happen. and as greed is a human flaw, you eventually expect so much that eventually even the best Christmas would feel like a failed celebration in your eyes.

So when it comes to the Best Christmas, the Gold standards of Christmas, I don't believe I really have one. It could do without the Christmas tree or the 8 inches of snow. It could do without the Turkey and the free flow of champagne. it could also do without the presents underneath the tree. it could have a million without(s), but if it has that one thing, that one-liner that makes that christmas uniquely Christmas for that year, I am quick to cheer on it and ride a sleigh with you.

I hope all of you had your own wonderful Christmas time. Coming up next - New Year's celebration. Though I did say to celebrate it with a big bang, let's just hope y'all do not come back from the New Year's holiday hanging on drips or with a broken nose. A hang over is excusable. Till then, run along now and drown in your Monday blues...

All I want for Christmas is

Thank you for 2009

My weekend trilogy was amazing. I clocked in so many hours of sleeping, eating and drinking time that I am probably overworking all my organs. I managed to squeeze in a little serenity time at Borders but only to grab a cook book for Christmas present. The countdown to Christmas is always exciting, its looking forward to meeting friends and family, its knowing that there will be surprises waiting for you underneath the tree and its the memories of past christmas that keeps us on our toes, wondering what is in store this year for us all.

At some point in this year, we may get nostalgic and realise that 2009 will be gone in just barely 2 weeks time. Like drinking, its in that moment when the last drop tickles down your throat, that's when you see that moment of clarity at the bottom of your the bottle.

Someone made me realised that life is short and too often, I find myself not having say enough from my heart to the people around me. in life, everything comes in pair. the good comes with the bad. the beautiful with the ugly. the dark and the light. the beginning and the end. with good times, comes inevitably, the bad. at least in my life, I find this to be invariably true. for one, death is a departure. one of the tenets in life should be to have fun and enjoy it as much as possible before you have to leave.

I had a rather good 2009 so far, with a few days left for it to play a prank on me, screaming, tricks or treat!Before this year ends, I want to give my bits and pieces of awe-inspiring thank you rambles to those who have made my life count. you have to put it all into perspective. words may do no justice in capturing my profound emotions for all your people  and if you were just next to me, I would have manifest all these emotions into a big hug. However, as all my favourite people are scattered around the globe, words will just have to suffice.

In this journey of life, I am blessed to have had friends to discover things with. To grow with, to laugh with. To bitch with and to rattle with. For all of you who have came from far and wide, brace the traffic and put your livers at risk and witness my celebration of my 24th this year, a big thank you. For those who have tread with me patiently in my walk with God, guided me and enlightened me on His words, I owe you more than words can say. I can only tell you that you have given me the sight and the faith throughout the storm. For those who has whisks me away for holidays and getaways, thank you for sharing my stressful moments, my bad haired days, and left me with wanting more of you people. You kept me moving and looking forward when life throws me in the deepest end. I will not understand why you choose to be friends with me. I will not know why you all stuck by me and I will never have enough to go around for each and everyone of you sweethearts but I thank you all for such awesome 2009...be it bitter or sweet.

I ran through a fullisade of emotions and I like to believe that my rationality kept my sanity for the year, but what struck me the most is that you kept running this race with me. I can't say much for the next, what with female hormones, menstrual cycles and all the symptoms that precedes them. as we get older, our love comes with MANY conditions. we have our list of wants and our avatars of idealism. some of us, God-willing, may happen to meet someone who meets all these expectations. Nonetheless, with my flaws and imperfections, I am thankful that some of you could see pass them or even have the audacity to pretend that I am perfect as a friend in ways that I cannot conjuer.

I love you guys too for such an amazing friendship.

Here are snippets of my life in 2009

There were of course many others who has been part of my 2009 but they were and still are too far for me to capture any momentos with them for viewing here. They were the most extradinaire of all as they bridge the miles that seperate us with their phone calls, their emails, they drops -ins of hellos on msn and skype, their scribblings on my facebook wall and snail mails. John, Shean, Patrick, Wai Shin, Rachel, Victor, Roxanna, Maria, Joyce, Fungying & Paul Koshy, Ricci, Shawn, Andy, Hisako, and all my other friends whom I have unintentionally left out, it isn't because you arent signifcant in my life but rather, my memory tends to fail me at this age - thank you for 2009!

What Ifs

In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with … and the one that got away.


Who is the one that got away? I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose.


I believe in the fact that ending with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.


How often have you gone through it without realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.


Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And it’ll make sense, it really will.


So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you’re single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter.


All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.


You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?” That’s what the one that got away is. The biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.

If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already with the one you’re with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her every so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been,” but it happens.


Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing. But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different. What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple … find him, find her. Because the very existence of a “the one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got this one?


Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be “the one that got away” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.”


You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”


>>>> Do your best always. Think twice or probably a lot of time before deciding in doing things. It's not healthy having regrets and "WHAT IF's" in our lives. Be happy and always give your best shot in things that you really want to do... have a HAPPY LIFE and HEALTHY HEART always. meaning HEAL - THY - HEART!!